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PSA about Birthday parties where you don't invite all
As a teacher and I parent, I will share the reality of what happens when you don't invite all the kids to birthday parties or all one gender. This applies to grades K-3. After that, I think it becomes more normal to invite a few.
SO- If you think you can keep it quiet, you can't!!!
In class, there is a terrible disruption as it's whispered about who is invited and who is not. The younger kids don't whisper. Some cry. They find out after the fact and ask why? They ask the teacher, they ask their parents, the sometimes even ask the kid. There are hard feelings between kids and parents. Parents even have the balls to ask the teacher to keep it quiet. No kidding!
As a parent, my daughter found out she was not invited to a party. Only certain kids were invited. My daughter was hurt (as were the other kids not invited. They all figured it out pretty quickly). My daughter and another girl had the nerve to ask the little girl why she wasn't invited.
Now, here's the lovely position you have put your child in. The little girl had to admit to them that they didn't have enough money to invite everyone.
So, for the love of god, either invite everyone or just one gender or have a family party with just the child's best friend. If you really can't afford to invite 10 more kids than you chose to invite, you shouldn't be having that kind of party IMHO.
Just needed to get that off my chest. Flame away
Re: PSA about Birthday parties where you don't invite all
I really don't understand the reaction - I mean, I do, but I don't. When i was growing up, it was RARE that everyone was invited -- it was always only a select group. Everyone knew, nobody cried. I don't understand why it's different now. is it because the PARENTS place more expectations on the kids? I don't know. But something changed, at some point. I know, kids are kids, kids get upset -- but if we had cried to my parents about it (and if my friends had cried to THEIR parents about something similar), we'd have been told that that's the way it is and not everyone is invited to eveyrthing. Why does it have to be so much more complex now?
not flaming bc i totally see where you're coming from, but at the same time, you're also saying that poor kids can't celebrate their birthday with their friends, which also isn't right...
i also agree with everything amy has said...i can remember not being invited to parties here and there, yes it hurt, but its an important lesson that kids have to learn...i think its extremely unreasonable to expect that she is going to be invited to everything...like she is entitled to it...
I was a kid a long time ago, so I'm not sure it's just a "now" thing. You're right things were different then in terms of the reaction; however, it doesn't mean it was the appropriate way to respond. Believe me, I'm a mostly "you have to deal with it" type of person but I don't think it applies in this case. It's just the right thing to do.
My favorite was when parents would only invite a few and then have the audacity to send the invites into school. If you aren't inviting everyone, then do not pass them out in my classroom.
Glad I work behind a desk now and only have one child to worry about. Hurt feelings are the worst!
I gotta say, I agree too. It's so hard. And it's one of the reason's I'm thrilled I have a summer baby. My Backyard = Free. A few pizza's, a homemade cake some water balloons and I'm home free. W will never have a bounce house bday or anything like that until he's older and he's picking just a core group of boys to go do something. A) I don't have the $$$ and b) I'd never want to hurt a little one's feelings like that.
This.
I understand it's disruptive in school and I don't like that the teachers end up having to mediate. The reality is though my kid is not necessarily friends with the entire class. What about once he's in elementary school and he has different kids in his class each year, while close friends from the year before may be assigned to another class. What about the kid that picks on him who now my son has to endure for his own party. He should be allowed to invite who he wants to his birthday party. I know kids can be mean, and develop their social circles early on but they need to learn that you're not always going to be included in everything but you learn to stand up on your own and develop your own circle of friends. Yes, there will be tears and my child may be hurt, but it's life.
i think that she meant not to have it at an expensive place if you're putting your kid in the position of saying "you aren't invited because my parents can't afford it." they could have a house party, or tell their kids that only x amount are allowed.
a house party with an entire class? there's no way I'm putting 20+ kids that I don't know + their parents in my shack.
DeLish ~ My Food Blog
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I agree with the initial poster but I also agree completely with this and what Kelly said. I don't know what will do when the time comes. I have heard some horror stories from my friends who have school age children.
I went to Catholic school K - 8, so it was a pretty small class and we all came up from K together. I remember one year, I think it was 3rd or 4th grade, that a boy had a LIMO pick him and a select group of boys and girls up at school and whisk them away to some special bday party. I don't remember anyone crying over it, but there were a lot of us wondering why we didn't get to go, where are they going, etc. It was right in our faces! LOL
I agree with most of what your saying, but I think your "can't afford..." statement is a bit harsh. I think it is completely unfair to keep your child from celebrating their birthday with their friends because of the financial situation of the family. I don't mean, by any stretch, that the family should break the bank trying to throw elaborate parties, but if they can afford to invite 5 kids but not 20, do so! Let the birthday boy/girl enjoy their celebration, within their budget, with their closest friends!
Oh and the one gender thing aggravates me. He is very chummy with one of the girls in his class.
That, to me, is worse.
DeLish ~ My Food Blog
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but again...why should "my kid" be deprived of a smaller party at the place that he or she wants bc you're kid feels entitled to be invited...if i can afford 5 kids at chucky cheese, why can't i just take those 5 kids...
i can argue both sides of this situation...i really can...i have been that kid whose parents could only afford to take a few friends some place and i have been that kid that has been left out...both sides suck. but to say that someone can't do what they can afford to do bc your kid feels like they are entitled to be somewhere isn't fair. its the responsibility of the parent to set expectations...its also the responsibility of the parent of the kids who weren't invited to the party to make sure there is no backlash on this little girl...well you didn't invite me to your party so i'm not inviting you to mine (of course, if you can afford it).
Because now everyone has to win, everyone gets a prize and kids are being raised not to be able to cope with disappointments because there are none. And their parents also cant handle it if there child isnt liked by everyone because in some way its a reflection on them as parents. I think its also a horrible example for your kids to teach them to lie about the party or asking another adult to lie on your behalf.
In the 3rd Grade I didnt invite this boy in my class, Robert Taylor to my party. He was always not very nice to me, and he lived down the street from my best friend so I saw him all the time, and he was mean to me all the time. I remember like it was yesterday that his mom called my mom wanting to know why he wasnt invited. I clearly recall my mom saying, that he wasnt welcome in our house because he was mean to me all the time, and I shouldnt have my party ruined because a boy I dont like is there. Robert Taylor's mom had an excellent teachable moment. Hey Robbie, if you werent mean to the birthday girl all the time, and bullied her and pushed her into holly bushes, then maybe she would have invited you to her party.
When I taught, I told the parents that if they want to pass out invites in class they have to invite the whole class or else find a different way to extend the invitation. That was ONLY if they wanted to pass out invites in class.
As much as it hurts, not everyone is invited or included in everything. It's just a fact of life. Why should the birthday child not have the type of party they want because the parents can't afford to invite the entire class. That's not fair either. As for just inviting one gender, well what if my daughter is close friends with one of the boys? I have to invite girls that she is not friends/close with, but exclude one of her closest friends? That is not fair either.
Oh, and what about those with twins in different classes? Are they expected to invite everyone in both classes, potentially have FIFTY kids? Again, just not realistic or fair.
It stinks and it hurts, and when it happens to one of my children, I'll be devasted for her/him, but it's just another one of those hurdles that we'll have to get through.
DeLish ~ My Food Blog
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While I get this I don't think I agree. I have boy/girl twins so I according to this logic I would have to invite the entire class and there is no way I could do that. My house is 900 square feet and my backyard has no trees and is brutal in the summer.
And if I would have it somewhere it would cost me extra for all the extra kids. I don't think it's fair to my kids because they are twins that they shouldn't have a b-day party with the kids they are actually friends with.
I wasn't invited to every birthday party and I'm sure if I knew about it I got upset, but I also got over it pretty quickly.
I dont agree with that at all sorry. My children are not friends with all the kids in their class, some of them they dont even like. Why should they be invited? And sure my kids have not been invited to parties, they asked me and I said are you friends with Kevin, no they said, well them why should you be invited, people invite their friends? They got over it. At 6 they can understand that. I can get 3 years old or so but not this age.
And why should my child's party be dicated by some kid whose feelings may get hurt? I am sorry they can invite who they want on their b day. I get it. I have seen my kids be sad too but it is part of life.
FWIW no one in our circle of friends invites the whole class post preschool. I can afford it and I still dont want to pay for 21 kids to go anywhere.
and your kids will also have to deal with one of them being invited and the other one not. And thats OK!!! They arent always going to have the same friends and I bet people inviting will feel horrible about it because they are twins, but it will be a benefit for them to have their own friends and be able to be OK not being included in everything the other does.
OR what about the last thing i said that you quoted me on- tell your kid that only X amount of kids are allowed at the place. So your kid isn't even aware of the financial reason. She wasn't saying "poor people can't have birthday parties out" from how I read it- she was feeling bad for the girl for being put in the position of saying "We can't afford to invite you." as far as she's concerned, the reason is "I could only invite 5 people at this place, sorry." end of story.
I also think that it's a lot different as kids get older. A 7/8 year old knows who his friends are, knows WHY he/she is not being invited to a particular kids party. You've got a pretty good idea of who you like and who you don't by that age. And as a pp said, who pushes you into holly bushes (dude, can I relate!) I think this is more about younger kids and making sure that they don't feel excluded or hurt.
Like Kelly, I can see both sides. I just think that parents should use their brains when it comes to these things and put their child in the shoes of whoever isn't getting invited. Don't send invites to school - that's just rude IMO.