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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Little Update to Birthday Post
My 5 year old says to me last night, "Am I supposed to get Jenna (kid whose party she wasn't invited to) a present?" I said, "No, honey, you don't have to get her a present, why?"
"Jenna said even though I didn't get invited to her party, I still have to get her a present."
The child certainly learned that the day was all about her! I dunno, I think I'm going to stick to my plan where I teach my child how nice it is to include everyone.
Lest you all think I'm rolling in it (two teacher household-LOL), I had to make decsions to accomadate a larger party. To defray costs, I plan on making the food for my daughter's family party. I usually order it from Wegman's. Small sacrifice on my part for larger picture message.
Re: Little Update to Birthday Post
I couldn't even get involved in your first post - by the time I saw it it was practically growing dreadlocks, lol. In a nutshell, I see and understand both sides of it.
I think it also depends on what the "norm" is in your town. My sister's girls are almost 11 and 10, so I've seen several school age birthday parties of theirs take place, and many were girls only. Apparently that's common at their school.
I also think the way it was when we were kids can't be compared to the way it is now. Everything's a showboat now. My parties as a kid were small and modest, as were pretty much everyone else's. Now it's more of a competition...everything is more "out there". Everyone know everyone else's business.
I guess I'll see how I handle it when it's my time. And your approach to cut costs is hardly a small sacrifice - homemade is always better!
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Growing up my parents always had a bbq for my birthday since it was over the summer. I never had a party out. It just wasn't the thing to do back then. I am not scarred from it!
Yes I've had my son's parties out since he was 4 and yes we've had some big ones. But beyond preschool I don't think I've ever invited his whole class. And its never been a problem.
I would never dream of asking the teacher to pass out invites not to the whole class.
No point to my post I guess. I just don't see why one would need 500 kids at their birthday party.
Maybe I missed it because the original post did go off in directions that I didn't see coming, but...I don't remember anyone saying that you were wrong for teaching your child to include everyone. The majority of the disagreement came from your - if you can't afford it, don't have a party, comment. Thankfully, we can afford it and when the time comes I hope to include everyone in my son's classes at their parties. That said, if something were to happen to us financially, I will still celebrate my child's birthday, the way they want to, but may need to limit the guest list.
I agree that children that aren't invited to a party don't have to send a gift. However, I don't know that the parents necessarily taught her that. At least I hope not.
This kid got the message loud and clear that the party was all about her. She spared no feelings. Do I blame her. No way. She is 5. She doesn't understand. That was my point. At that age, it is a clusterf*ck in school when you don't invite all or one gender.
As a teacher, should I just tell the truth to the kids who are crying? Sorry, kid, the other kid a) doesn't really like you b) can't afford you or c) has parents who are clueless to how much birthday parties are talked about in school (and written in stories about, and shared about in share-time etc.) and doesn't care that your feelings are hurt.
I, as a teacher, should not have to mediate the conflicts/hurt feelings/and drama created by these birthday parties. I've seen both sides, and it's ugly. My point was, if it is the cost of $150 dollars that is keeping someone from inviting the last 10 kids, then you may be putting your budget a bit tight and need to re-think what type of party you can afford. If $150 makes or breaks you, maybe that is not the right party at this time in your life. Or, if your child is dying for that, invite a few kids to a day out at chosen event.
My key point was don't invite 1/2 the class or more and exclude a few and think that is ok. Until 3rd grade, it is really a drama at school.
This is from a child who never, ever had a party outside my own home.
While I see what you're trying to get at, I still disagree to an extent. I'm fairly certain that my son hasn't been invited to a few of his classroom parties. It doesn't seem to phase him in the least. I hardly know the parents of the children from Aidan's class, so maybe that plays into it. Money aside, I don't have the space or energy to entertain 25 children in my home.
I read the original post differently than perhaps you intended, and for that I apologize. Bottom line, though, the party for my son will have a budget, and we'll invite who we can. There's no ill will toward any of the children in his class, and if Aidan ever expected a gift from a child, invited or not, he'd have a very angry mother to deal with.
Oh, and I never had a big party out. It was neighborhood kids, pin the tail on the donkey, and cake. I'm a February baby and from a working class family, so we never invited my entire class. That would have been way more mayhem than my mother could deal with.
I'm totally with you. I'm august and we had a pool so it was always pizza and pool in my yard. Or I remember 5 and 6- 5 was in Mc Donalds when that was acceptable (1980) which I would never do now and 6 was in Farrells in Paramus Park (which hasn't existed since the early 80's). I'm sure they didn't break the bank either. There was also no FB to share it on and have other people know about it. Every party I can remember also was only all the girls.
I do see both sides. And I wouldn't want some little a-holes at E's party either. But at his age right now till he's at least through K, I'm not comfortable letting him decide that or excluding anyone.
We're not rolling in it either- we just knew we were having a party out vs in our house, inviting the whole class (20 kids), so we stuck to what the place gives as far as the party package (no buying platters of extra food for adults- just ordered a few extra pizzas), which is a lot! Most/Many of these party places give you the paper goods, pizza, juice, cake, goodie bags & the 1.5 hours of play for between $300-$400 total. And we set a little money aside for a few months prior for the bday fund.
I'll just figure it out to not exclude anyone as long as I can. Because while it's "his day" I'm still not all about everything being about him. Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you get to be an a-hole too. It's a birthday, not a knighting. If I really want to put it in perspective, he didn't do anything but show up on his birthday- *I* did all the work. So, it's also MY party.
You said exactly what I was thinking yesterday about this post. Thanks for putting it into words:)
As an aside, my brother and SIL actually had their twins b-day party at McDonalds out in PA. There is a huge one near where they live. It has a separate party room with its own bathroom and one of those huge climb-on things. All were invited, kids had a blast, and it was cheap.
I taught first grade for over ten years and I NEVER had to comfort a child because he/she wasn't invited to another child's party. And I know that kids had parties where not all the other children were invited.
Just to play Devil's Advocate, 10 years ago 1st graders didn't have cell phones just for the hell of it and stupid parents who let their little ones have FB pages either. Times and the rate, way, level of viciousness, and the speed info travels have changed.
I get both sides- I just think there HAS to be a happy medium. I straddle the middle every day with an only child trying to make sure he's happy, nurtured, cares about other people's feelings but not a spoiled a-hole because he gets all the attention since we only have him. I don't agree with the "everyone wins just for showing up" mentality and I don't want a 30 yr old mama's boy living with me. But, if I ever got a call that my kid was the bully or not nice/compassionate, that would be my biggest nightmare- and his.
I agree with TSD.
Sorry Tara your post is too damn long to c&p lol
they don't now either. not one child in G's class has a cell phone and honestly, if your 1st grader has a cell phone then i highly doubt there's a money issue with inviting all of your child's classmates to a party.
ETA: i agree with the rest of it. i just wanted to point out that one thing.
I started teaching over 10 years ago. I stopped teaching 4 years ago. First graders don't have cell phones now either, at least not where I live.
grace has a memory like a steel trap. she forgets nothing.
i think both this and the post before are very interesting.
There are 1st graders here with cell phones. I've seen them at the pool with them. And I don't know about you, but I know plenty of people without a pot to piss in that buy expensive gadgets for themselves and their kids. You'd think there wouldn't be a money issue from the outside but on the inside it's a different story. If we could count everyone's real wealth by their material possessions, you'd never know we were in a bad economy.
But, really I was just meaning that even 10 years ago, things were different in a lot of aspects. It's just really hard to compare times. When we were kids, most of our moms were home, knew more of the kids in a class and their parents, etc.
I don't know what the "right answer" is- I only know what it is for us.
i promise you, outside BC it is not the norm for a 1st grader to have a cell phone.
yes lauren, but do they leave an emotional mark? my kids remember everything too, but not in an emotional way.
I shake my head at these posts because I think I am a really nice person, as are my kids, and I just don't think inviting only some of my first grader's classmates is an unkind thing to do. but apparently a lot of other women would mark me as an exclusive ***. I don't get the leaps. I grew up with a mother who taught first grade for 25 plus years and i don't recall her mentioning this as a problem and i know my OWN partied didn't include everyone. For the record, I do invite all the preschooler's in my daughters class though.
Who are you to tell people what they should spend their money on? Perhaps they saved up all year so their kid could have the type of party their kid wants and yeah $150 is over their budget.
Kids are going to get their feelings hurt. It is a part of practically everyday life. "Mary doesn't want to play with me." "Steve won't share the toy with me." "Jake said he's not my friend." Inviting them to a birthday party is not going to stop them from ever getting their feelings hurt. It is another opportunity to teach your child how to deal with things when they don't go the way they want. Unless you have a HIGHLY sensitive child, kids are pretty resilient and get over things quickly.
I had all my parties at home, and I never invited my whole class either.
No I know. I think it's complete insanity. Trust me, I was shocked and dismayed. lol. Kids that barely reach the height of my crotch had iphones before I did.
Edit: Actually now that I think about it though- some people on here admitted to giving their little ones ipads, itouches and iphones (But they were OLD ones!!) so it can't just be Bergen.
That is the right answer, Tara. Everyone has to do what is right for them. For some people, it is inviting the whole class to avoid hurt feelings. For others, it is having the type of party they want to have for their kid. While it is nice to invite everyone, I don't think you are going to bring about world peace by doing it. I don't even think you are going to bring about playground peace, but I understand you are trying to teach your child a lesson about including everyone. I get that. I just don't think it is feasible for everyone and I don't think that people should be told what type of party they should have for the child if they can't afford to invite everyone in the class. That is not right either.
Yes, that's why I said I see both sides. I don't have a strong feeling on it for other people. For sure my heart will hurt when it's E excluded, but I'm also confident I'll figure it out without causing a ruckus, asking the other parent about it, etc. Because it's my job to figure out what to do with my kid about it- not the other kid. As I said I don't know what the "best" method is- none of them seem to come without some kind of problem on someone's end.
A-MEN!!!!
And no one is talking about the little brat of a girl who is telling kids that even though you arent invited to my party, you still need to give me a present......Um, Did anyone else read that???
THAT is what is wrong with this picture. She wasnt taught by her parents not to be mean and her not inviting the kids to her party wasnt the issue, its that she still feels entitled to receive gifts from them. If a teacher ever told me one of my kids did this at any age, I would seriously consider canceling their party because obviously I did something wrong as their parent.
I also dont see why you cant simply say "because not everyone gets invited to everything". I taught K for 4 years and we never dealt with anything like that and I know parties took place were not everyone was invited. It really concerns me that not being invited to a birthday party is such a major issue, that I really wonder what happens to these kids when the issues become much bigger
I didn't post on the first thread, but I'll chime in here. I do see both sides of this, but I don't think that inviting the entire class is always necessary.
We get away with just inviting some of Zach's class because his parties have always been at the end of August. I've had as many as 38 kids, because we have his parties at our lake clubhouse and I can pretty much invite as many kids as I can manage.
Eliza's birthday is in February. We've had all of her parties out of the house. Her first two years in preschool we invited all of the kids in the class because there were only 6 kids. Last year we invited all 18 kids plus friends and cousins, so we had 30 kids at the party. I felt a lot of pressure to invite the whole class because she had been invited to several parties before and all of her classmates had also been invited. I spent over $600 on that party, between renting a space to have it in, the Mad Science demonstrator, food and goody bags for 30. I decided then that I would never spend that much again.
She's in kindergarten this year and I invited the five girls in her class, one boy who is a neighbor and twenty other friends from the other kindergarten classes and her friends who live in other towns. I could not invite the entire class, nor did I think that it was necessary. I've been telling my kids for years that they won't be invited to every birthday party. They've never been heartbroken over this. I know that some kids are really sensitive about these things.
I do wish that OP's daughter had been invited to the party. At the very least I think that it is a nice gesture to include all of the same gender kids at parties. I told my daughter not to talk about her party at school because we didn't invite everyone in the class and it might hurt someone's feelings.
I'd rather my child celebrate with her true friends and cousins.
yes! I totally agree!!!!!
And that brat who telling everyone they have to bring her a gift even though they aren't invited, well if she were my kid, the party would be cancelled.