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Open Letter to Working Moms
So, the original post is bad, but the comments are even worse:
http://inashoe.com/2009/09/open-letter-working-moms/
I see you nearly every time I?m out with my children. Sometimes you are very young, sometimes you look older. You might look happy one day and tired or stressed the next. You are different every time I meet you, but you say the same thing to me nearly every time: ?You?re so lucky. I wish I could stay home with my children but I just can?t afford it.?
Usually I smile and agree that I am blessed, but quite honestly I?d like to challenge you. You say you can?t afford to stay home. Maybe you can if you?re willing to make some changes.
- Will you trade in your 2 year old car for a 13 year old mini van? The side door might not work very well. Yes, it will break down occasionally on your way to the kids? dental checkups, but that?s ok. Your dentist will understand. Do plan to change a flat every now and then, since you might be driving on older tires.
- Will you buy your clothes at thrift stores from now on? I know your clothes aren?t terribly expensive now, but even inexpensive clothes add up when you buy them new. No, you won?t always be able to wear exactly what you want, but you might find that it?s not such a big deal if you?re spending most of your time at home. Your kids won?t make fun of your fashion sense. Well, not unless they?re teens. Then I can?t vouch for them.
- You might have to reconsider cable TV. Anyway, the last thing you need is to watch the average 5 hours/day of TV. Too much of it is about working moms driving late model cars and wearing all those clothes you won?t be buying.
- Something as simple as grabbing pizza on Friday night might become a financial decision, carefully weighed out.
- Your children should expect some changes too. Ballet lessons, karate lessons, and sports might go on the chopping block. They might be among the sad minority that does not possess a laptop or cell phone. They might never visit Disneyland. Summer camp might even be crossed off the calendar. Don?t let the guilt get to you. Just like adults, children are not entitled to all the best in life. Children need to understand that these things are extras. They are wants, not needs. The sooner your children know this, the happier they will be.
- Would you be willing to sell your house? If you?re serious about wanting to stay home with your children, this might be what it takes. Are you willing to live in a smaller, older home, in a lower priced neighborhood?
To sum it up, are you willing to give up a middle class lifestyle? I know you?re not rich now, but you could get by on less if you really had to. Is staying home with your children worth that much to you?
I realize that not every situation is the same. You might be a single mom, struggling just to keep the electric on. Some churches would help you, but you might not be in that sort of church.
You might be willing to make all the lifestyle changes that would enable you to stay home but your husband insists that you work.
Maybe your husband is disabled, and truly can?t support the family.
Maybe you have other truly extenuating circumstances.
Or maybe you didn?t really mean that you?d love to do it. Maybe you just meant it might be kinda nice, if you didn?t have to give up any of your current creature comforts.
But maybe, just maybe you really never thought of it this way and now you realize that you can afford to stay home. Will you do it?
____________________This is the best comment________________________
Kim,
I thank you for this challenge. I have not worked since I was married, but I am tempted to get a job often.
We live in a horrid house (with snakes and rodents in the walls), but we pay only $200/month, which is ridiculously low (even for MO). The only way we could afford to move would be for me to work, but I cannot/must not give into the discontentment that would drive me to that decision.
Our van is nice, a 2003 model, and it is our only car, but we are about to loose it (we are 60+ days past due, you only get 90 days).
My husband could not get a job that paid over minimum wage, even though he has a college degree?
And we have hospital bills galore, because we don?t have insurance.
That said, I often think ?If I got a job we could get caught up on bills and get out of debt.? I have great compassion and sympathy for working moms, because I think I know some of the financial stress that drives them there.
But, ultimately, I CHOOSE to live in poverty to stay with the kids. Some here might attack me, saying that I am choosing poverty for my kids. I accept that charge. My husband and I believe that my staying home with the kids (and home schooling them) is far more important that living above the poverty level. It is a tearful and hard choice. I still struggle with it daily, but we will keep going on.
Thank you for your encouragement.
Bethany W in mid-MO
___________________________________________________
Yay for forcing your kids to live in poverty and squallor so that you don't have to work outside the home! You are obvisouly a far superior mother. (FYI - the woman that posted the original post has her kids sleeping on shelving basically stacked on top of each other because they have no space, and is pregnant again!
Re: Open Letter to Working Moms
Fact: I have never wanted to be a SAHM. So yay I don't have to feel guilty for not wanting to live in poverty.
Bring on the stuff!
ok, first of all, i never ever ever say, "oh, i wish i could stay home!" i'm not saying it doesn't happen, but way to paint the entire working mom world with a GIGANTIC BRUSH.
now, this person HAS RATS IN THE WALLS and is about to lose their only car but I am the irresponsible one by working?
do you subscribe to www.WTMF.com or something?
I've never said that to anyone. Not even on days when I hate my job.
Add me to the list of a$$holio moms with zero desire whatsoever to stay home with my (objectively awesome) kid. Even if I won the lottery I would not "stay home." Or, I would - but he'd still go to daycare and I'd volunteer and do other things. This type of thing makes me lol with the grand ASSumptions made.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Yep - wanting a house without snakes in the walls and wanting to eat food more than once a week is super materialistic - Kids don't need food or a safe environment!
I was about to get my righteous indignation on (and I'm not even a parent!), but then I followed the link and saw that we're dealing with the prairie-dress-wearing, quiverful-type and retracted my claws. These people are so far outside the normal, mainstream conversation about family balance that there's no point including them in the conversation.
This kind of tripe is good for some slack-jawed diversion, but not much else.
I'm sure there are certainly SOME woman who perhaps could very well afford to stay home if they made sacrifices. But why should they if they don't want to?
I would actually agree with *most* of the points if she was just writing an article about how to be more frugal or something. But the fact she wrote an open letter to working moms just made her look like an a$$.
ditto laurenpetro wtmf.
and let us discuss rats in the got.dayum.fucckings.wall shall we? does this precious, doting sahm realize that her landlord may very well be in violation of state and local housing laws? but, no, because only paying two hundred bucks is far more important than decent, safe housing. she does realizes the health danger here right?
OH, and this is how the OP TWELVE children sleep:
Those are shelving units from costco.
ETA: notice how the wall does not hit the ceiling? That is because this is not even a bedroom.
SOrry, I am feeling ragey today. I cannot believe people willingly put their children in these conditions.
This reminds me of Emily from the Under $1000 blog who had one kid sleeping under the other's crib. I really, really miss her blog.
"This ribbon has been reported." - lovesnina
If I could access my sig I would put this in it.
I am sure Bethany's children will grow up thinking "Man, it was totally worth getting my feet gnawed on by rats every night while I slept just so my mom could be with me ALL.THE.TIME!!!!"
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DI saw on another board that she just had a 5th son!
I have no problem admitting that one of the reasons I will never be a SAHM (at least not full-time) is because I really don't want to diminish the standard of living I've grown accustomed to, at least not extensively.
I like saving money for trips & emergencies. I like getting pedicures & being able to afford a housekeeper. I like travelling. Those things keep me sane in the working world, and I think they will keep me sane with a kid. If i were to SAHM, some things would have to be cut - and I'm just not sure I want to. i will probably go to part-time, but I'm grateful I have that option financially and with my employment.
Holy crap. I hope she has enough tubes of meat for all of them.
"This ribbon has been reported." - lovesnina
she may be but the attitude isn't. i had to sit throught pre-cana in nothern va (high cost of living arlington, va) and was told that everyone could make it work so that one parent stayed home. it was also stated that children should not be put in "stranger care". i looked up the couple's income (he worked on the hill and it is public record) and they were surviving with 4 kids on $65K/year. good for them. too bad they lived out past manassas and he probably didn't see his kids during the week.....
look, i work because i like it. i sometimes dream of working a 3 or 4 day week with extended days but i would always want to work. i don't judge decisions one way or another, but the attitude that someone must stay at home really gets me angry.
All mothers work!! Some just get paid in kisses instead of dollars.
Yeah, try writing "kisses!" in the amount field on your check to the electric company.
Stab me in the head.
Her blog reminds me of a fake blog I want to make where you make stupid crap out of basically nothing and pass it off as "food" or "toys" or "clothing."
You'd be welcome to it
Shiit like this makes my blood boil. How dare these nutjobs judge a woman for her choices! We're all doing the best we can with what we have. Although some of us need to get off the couch and find a house without rats in the walls.
But-but-but those kids will be closer!!! They'll be bonded because as the top one farts, it falls due to gravity to each sibling beneath them so they can inhale the odor togetherrrrrrrrrrr! You don't know their lyfes!
Framing it as an open letter to working moms is just being a douche.
It happens pretty often for people to find out DH is a SAHD and say "You're so lucky your husband stays home!" or "I wish we could afford for one of us to stay home". I honestly do feel pretty lucky that we're happy with our situation, but I do sometimes wonder WTF this person is full of since it generally comes from an earner who I would estimate makes ballpark what I do. I also used to see all the time on the WM boards that one of the reasons people opted for a two-income household was they preferred the lifestyle it gave them, and that's fine (but it doesn't mean that all of us that are one-income are depriving our children, either, which is one line of condescension I've seen from WMs..."Well, we just want our children to get to experience blah blah blah").
Generally speaking any line of rational from either side that plays a martyr or "best for the children" card is full of crap IME.
me too. i totally thought it was mocking the original post. please god help us all if it's not in jest. c'mon! that has to be a joke. i mean, obviously OP is flipping crazy, but that response seemed completely TIC.
Rats and snakes in your walls?!? Your car is about to be repossessed?? W.T.F.
the op is just another self-righteous weapon being launched in the mommy wars and it doesnt bother me really. but that response does.
I'll say that my SIL stays home. She and my brother dont have a lot of money. Her mindset definitely was similar to that in the OP (but less extreme) - she wanted to stay home, so they slashed their grocery bill, she shops at thrift stores, they cut cable completely and so on. Its what she wanted so good for her, they're all happy, whatever.
Except for the one time she said to me "you want to have a career, but my priority will be my family" (um okay) and the time my brother assured me I wouldnt want to go back to work post-baby, we manage to have our different views on parenting and working without any of these types of exchanges.