Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: husband/marriage/sex issues.
Who says you're alone? You're not. Being by yourself =/= alone. It's also not the worst thing in the world. If you're this codependent to an abusive rageasaurus, then you need to see a therapist ASAFP.
Who cares what your family says? This ain't their life.
Who cares where he goes? He's a big boy.
Then what are you doing? What are you doing to actively change that?
I read once that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Or something like that. Either way, it stuck with me. Clearly you've been having issues for awhile, right?
That actually makes it a worse rape. It's not some random stranger in an alley. It's your husband... a man that's supposed to protect you and that you're supposed to be able to trust.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Most rapes are committed by someone the victim knows; i.e., date rape. Are you saying those rapes don't "count"?
I WAS SLEEPING. And it really hit me, I'm even a c*nt in my sleep. I'm sleeping wrong. I make him angry when I'm unconscious.
I am absolutely co-dependent on him, as he is on me.
Have you thought about getting counseling? You could just tell people your going to the dentist or to get a pap or something.
I find it sad that you really seem to believe what your saying. A professional really will help.
Exactly!
There's a good, sensible person under there. Get a counselor to help dig the poor lady out.
That is just the thing - you are not sleeping wrong. You are not a horrible human being. Or a CL|nt. You are in an abusive relationship - you sound like someone who has had their self-esteem ground to shreds over the period of a relationship.
It is the fact that he has made you feel so low about yourself that is making you doubt if you can exist on your own. BUT YOU CAN. You are capable, and you are worth it. You deserve a life free from fear of the person that is supposed to love you the most - and that life will be infinitely better than what you have now. As someone who has survived domestic violence myself, trust me. You can do it.
He. Raped. You. The end.
You are not in the wrong. You are not in the wrong. You are not in the wrong. Please leave. Now.
ETA: You have children?!??! You want your children raised by a rapist? GET OUT. Pleeeeeeease.
Yes,I'm smiling...I'm a marathoner!
Bloggy McBloggerson
CO Nestie Award Winner-Prettiest Brain-Back to Back!
2011 Bests
5K-22:49 10K-47:38 Half Mary-1:51:50
2012 Race Report
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2/11-Sweetheart Classic 4-mile-29:49
3/24-Coulee Chase 5K-21:40
5/6-Colorado Marathon-4:08:30
5/28-Bolder Boulder 10K
So if we've established that date rape is not a "lesser" rape, then why would spousal rape be?
See what I'm getting at here?
You need to break this codependency, at least for your kid(s). Otherwise they'll be reliving this pattern in 20 years. Don't normalize an unhealthy relationship for them.
It doesn't work that way. Rape is rape. There is no better or worse rape. He had sex with you without your consent. What he did was illegal. You could press charges against him for this.
He also violated the trust that should be inherent in a marriage.
I don't think this is a relationship worth saving and I recommend you speak to an attorney about getting a divorce. I didn't read the other responses, but if you aren't already, you should seriously consider seeing a therapist.
Yeah, no. I know you already apologized and clarified, but I think the comment in and of itself shows what a warped reality you are currently living. There is no "lesser" form of rape. Its a violation no matter when, where, or who does it. Forcing someone to have sex against their will and without their consent is heinous-- that's it.
It is not acceptable to raise children with this type of environment. I would get you & your children to the nearest battered women's shelter. You may not have bruises, but honey, you are a victim. They have resources to help you get on your feet.
I PROMISE its 1000 x better than living with someone who doesn't respect you as a human being.
It's not. Maybe what I'm getting at is that he didn't rape me? Maybe I've drank too much wine before and not said anything ever before. So my silence is like an assent?
I'm not condoning your cheating but it seems like a symptom of MUCH larger problem. If your wife won't have sex with you you masturbate. If she won't have sex With you for a year you go to counseling, or get a divorce. You don't wait for her to pass out then have sex with her. He had options and he chose the illegal one that violates you, treats you like an object, and asserts his power and control over you. The note is emotionally abusive when considered in the context of the whole situation, I'm not surprised you feel too weak to leave, he's been doing a number on you for years. As others said you dont deserve that.
Get into counseling individually so you can get strong enough to leave. Be very careful in the meantime. And I'll add that spousal tape has its own set of traumas you'll have to deal with. Initially I imagine it doesn't feel "as bad" as stranger rape, but it is way more common and will destroy your self esteem and sense of autonomy long term. It's just as damaging it just hurts you in different ways.
Dude, you were unconscious. He had sex with you WHILE YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS. If some random guy off the street did this to you, would you feel it was rape? Of course. The fact that the man was your husband makes no difference whatsoever.
GET ANGRY. It is OK to be mad. He has abused you and raped you. You deserve so much better than that.
I can see you're blaming yourself a lot. Think about it this way. Imagine a person that you really love and care for. It could be a family member, your child, your friend... whoever. Would you want this relationship for this person? Would you blame her for what her husband did to her? If you had a daughter and she came to you with this story, what would you say to her?
Cut yourself a break. The rape was absolutely not your fault. No matter whether you would or wouldn't have sex with him, no matter if he knew or didn't know about an affair you alluded to.... those have nothing to do with this. A grown a@@ man right in his mind would know how to deal with those situations like a grown a@@ man. What your husband did is a crime. There is something very wrong with him and the situation you are in.
What family are you concerned about? If your family is so dysfunctional as to not understand why you would want to leave him and need their support, then you need not care at all what they think.
You are a mother and you have children that you need to raise in a safe, loving environment. YOU are also a person who has every right to reside on this earth in a safe, loving environment. The environment you are in is not it.
I don't know you but I'm scared for you. This kind of relationship rarely corrects itself. It just gets worse. Much worse.
Com'n, you're way too smart for this stuff - I can smell it.
If my dog poops on the carpet and I kick her, I'm still the type of person who kicks a dog. The poop on the carpet doesn't negate that. Bonus point if I get mad at her for running away while I'm kicking her.
I agree with all that Bowies said here. I am a divorced single mother. I was not raped by my ex ... I was cheated on and lied to. But I can tell you life as a single mom is a million times better than being married to a liar. I bet being a single mom would be a zillion times better than being married to a rapist.
Seriously, get a lawyer.
Abusers are often highly manipulative. How could they not be? The name of the game is remembering the good times. If none of your relationship was good or fun or loving and nothing he ever did was sweet, you wouldn't be with him in the first place. And yet, none of that evens out "the bad," especially when "the bad" is RAPE.
Work with me here. This is a concept that is very, very hard to keep in the forefront of your mind, especially when he's actually manipulating you. With him out of the house and the last thing he left you being this letter, you might begin to think about the good things he does, the income he brings, the way he is with your children. DON'T. This is what he WANTS you to think about so you don't leave him. YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM.
40/112
Yeah, this is starting to sound like MUD to me.
OP you can't be THAT incredibly stupid? You are pissing me off with this BS. You were RAPED. It doesn't matter if you consented a thousand and one times, if on time 1002 you were incapacitated or said no-- then he continued to have any type of sexual contact with you from that point forward-- its RAPE.
No matter how you spin this he will NOT look like the good guy and you are looking more and more stupid. Get your head out of your arse and get some professional help NOW. Stop going around and around about this.
FYI, legally you CANNOT consent to sex if you are unconcious. Or drunk. I'm just saying, in a court of law, saying, "Well, she didn't say no" (subtext: because she was passed out) is WORLDS away from "she said yes." You did not say yes. You did not initiate. You did not respond to his advances. You did not want to have sex. You went as far as to fend him off when you realized what was happening. In no way did you consent to sex.
40/112
Calling a victim of DV stupid is pretty much the exact wrong thing to do. I stayed with an abusive *** for over 2 years, and I rationalized much like she is. Trust me, I am not stupid. Stupidity has nothing to do with the psychological hell that is DV.