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Strange conversation
I usually just lurk around on various boards, because I don't usually have anything worthwhile to post, and I love all of the advice you guys give. But I could use some interpretation on this random comment from my H.
We were discussing the recent break up of a couple we know who has a young child.
H: "Well one day, X is going to be old enough to determine who was right and who was wrong."
Me: ?Why does that really matter? I mean, the relationship didn?t work; they both had a hand in it. What is the point in assigning blame??
H: ?If it?s no one?s fault, then what?s the point??
Me: ?The point of what??
H: ? Building a life.?
Me: 
The conversation pretty much ended there. I mean, H can be incredibly immature, and we?ve certainly been working through our own problems, but this just doesn?t make any sense to me.
Re: Strange conversation
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have to say I'm a little relieved! I have been told that I'm not good at "reading between the lines", so part of me thought for sure there was something I was missing.
Pretty much this.
Your H has a lot of growing up to do.
Are you serious???
H tends say that things are very black and white.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that the only reason to build a life together is so that you can blame the other for its demise.
Well, or that your kids will grow up to particularly give a crap.
Most friends I have that come from families with split parents, especially when the split happened when they were pre-teenager, just don't care or think about why their parents aren't together. I'm fairly positive most of them didn't dwell or think hard about who was "at fault". I mean, what bearing does that have on your relationship with your parents?
Are you serious???
Or that when it falls apart, clearly one person is at fault.
So I wonder who will be the winner and who will be the loser in your marriage?
How depressing!
The kids generally don't care - and a good parent wouldn't share negative things about their other parent. OP's H sounds like he'd be awful at coparenting.
Ditto.
Huh?
I think I was even more confused than I needed to be. I was thinking that by 'building a life," he meant having a child. Oh, my.
DEAD!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Yes, I guess he made it very clear who is at fault for our issues, didn't he?
So now I think we should talk about your issues! Tell us what's going on with you!
The only point of life is to keep score. That's lovely.
lol
Yes please tell us what is going on in your relationship. What kinds of things are you working on?
This is the first time you've had a conversation like this? You should ask to see his scorecard so you can get out while you're ahead.
Well, really that's a topic for a different post, but in a nutshell H grew up with an abusive father and a submissive mother. I grew up with the exact opposite, a very supportive father and an outspoken mother. Since H tends to react to things more like his father (minus the physical abuse) and I tend to react more like my mother, we have issues. I tried for a few years to behave more like his mother because I thought that we would be happier that way. H was for a little while, but it was never enough. So I started counseling about a year and a half ago and started rediscovering the real me.
Hah! It's true though. Those words don't make sense.
How were things when you were dating? Did you act like his mother then? Or like you?
I acted like myself for most of the time we were dating. We moved in together about a year before we got engagedand things were good for the most part, but that's really when the changes started happening. It started with small things like the way I dressed, and just kind of snowballed from there... Fast forward a few years, and I'm getting yelled at for not wanting to get out of bed at 4am to make his lunch and give him a kiss before he goes to work.
It's been going on far too long. And I've invested too much time and energy into trying to make him happy. I've come to the realization that I can't control his emotions, only mine. I'm focusing more on making myself happy instead of wondering when he's going to do it for me.
We've been married for almost 8 years.
I'm in kind of a strange place now, where I would like it if we could work things out, but if we couldn't I think I would be ok with that. One way or the other, I deserve to be happy