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Upcoming Deployment- How to deal?
Hey all,
My hubby is about to deploy to Kuwait for a year, He is in the Army National Guard and has been for the last 2 and a half years. The date weve been given is soon (date edited out by moderator). Of course there's all the prep and the yellow ribbon event and all that coming and his AT this year is even sooner so he'll go to Fort Bliss and the come home for a bit, then be gone for a year...We just got married in October and I have been trying not to dwell on something I can't control. But its eating me up inside, I'm just so worried about everything that is going to happen and operating without him for so long now that we are finally settled....I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to deal with this. I've been through my fathers Deployments when I was younger but I'm finding this to be waaaay different and I'm feeling a little lost....
***Dates edited out by moderator. Please click the link at the top of the page and read up on OPSEC.***
Re: Upcoming Deployment- How to deal?
Take all the dates pertaining to deployment out of your post.
Keep yourself busy.
Also, take your last name out of your signature.
Well Kuwait isn't exactly a danger zone. The most that will happen is he will eat sand.
Hi Ms. Andrews!
DH and I have a friend that deployed there. He said he played a lot of basketball.
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Like I said when I edited your post, please, please click on the link at the top of the page and read up on OPSEC.
Also, I know the distance will be hard, but he will be in very little danger in Kuwait. Most people don't look at that as a deployment. It's more a one year assignment. That's not to say it won't be hard. Time apart is always hard. Just be happy knowing he'll be playing a ton of basketball and golf.
The best thing you can do is keep your self busy. Take up a hobby, take classes, paint every room in your house, start a garden. Just keep busy. Filling your time keeps your mind on other things and helps pass the time. The best thing you can strive for is independence. Use this time to do something for yourself. You can also send him letters and packages every day or week. You can have Skype dates to keep in contact.
Ok stan.
1. I don't believe you watch Jersey Shore.
2. You know what paragraphs are.
3. Etc,.
4. My fun got ruined........
1. I do! Nihilism exhibited is like, I don't know, reassurance that popularity is not something I need.
2. Not on my phone (I got off my phone specifically for you!).
3.
4. Bah! There's always fun to be had.
Lol. You're right, there is always fun to be had. ESPECIALLY IN KUWAIT.
The food there is good though.
My husband is in Afghanistan now and I just didn't think about it prior to it happening. I seriously just pushed it out of my mind and didn't think about it. It was much easier to enjoy our time together before he left than if I had just dwelled on how crappy it was that he was going. Then the day came and I just accepted it. I don't know how else to describe it. I just ignored it. I didn't wake up every day and think "he leaves in 3 weeks" "he leaves in 2 weeks" "he leaves in a couple days." etc. We still prepared, but emotionally I didn't dwell on it.
Our first deployment was much more difficult for me, I think because I dwelled on him leaving too much.
I agree the best thing you can do while he is away is stay busy.
1. Make sure you feel comfortable with all of the stuff you'll have to do on your own. If you're going to be paying bills and aren't used to doing it, then make sure you know how to do it before he leaves. Mowing the lawn? Get him to show you. Make sure you know what has to be done with the cars (oil changes, state inspections) and that you know when these need to take place, where to go, etc. Mark it on a calendar or keep lists if it keeps you organized.
2. Introduce yourself to his unit's key spouse or spouse volunteer, and try to stay involved with his unit while he's gone (there are usually spouse coffees, lunches out, play dates for kiddos, bunco, etc). These people will understand what you're going through and be a good source of support.
3. Skype is awesome.
My husband spent over a year in the desert. I'll be honest, it sucked. A year is a lot different from a shorter deployment. (In our case we were apart 16 months.) Most times were okay, but I had some real pity-party moments. Getting kicked out of the Walmart liquor store when I tried to buy a bottle of wine because I had my infant daughter with me caused a minor breakdown in the car (I mean WTH, am I supposed to get a babysitter to go buy a bottle of wine?) FINALLY calling a few of the people who offered to help in any way they could while my husband was gone, only to have them tell me they were busy....well that sucked too.
Long story short though, you'll make it through. The person deploying has it easier than the one staying home. (I've done both.) They are having new adventures, seeing things, and you are stuck at home in the rut, taking care of things. I also thought dreading the deployment was worse than having him actually gone, because at least once he left I could start counting down the days.
Of course do the usual things like stay busy, see friends, etc. But let yourself cry when you need to also. It helps. I have to say, I didn't MISS my husband so much (I did get to talk to him a lot and we have a very strong marriage), but having so much burden of a full time job, house, yard, snow shoveling, baby, and not having a social life for a year really was....a lot. If I had to do it over again, I'd hire a babysitter just so I could have some time. I was either at work or with my baby and/or taking care of the house and yard, I never had any time to relax.
What the helll? I would be irate and screaming at people. DD's been to the liquor store a few times. And getting beer is just another grocery staple. I can't imagine...
One day, early on with my DH, I was worried about his safety while deployed. Then, as I was driving through rush hour traffic in Washington, DC, that I could almost as easily get run over by a bus. That realization has freed me from constant worry. Sure, I am concerned for his safety--especially when the news reports problems in the specific area where he's located. But I remind myself that my worrying is not going to protect him one iota and it's only going to stress me out.
It is important to me that my DH does not feel the need to worry about me, our son, our dog and things at home. I want him to know that I have things under control. I don't hide things from him, but I make sure that things run as smoothly as I can control. I pay the bills on time, I get the car into the shop, I keep LO and myself busy and active. That is my role in our military marriage.
Part of keeping things in/under control is to ask for help when I need it. I can't do it all by myself. I need help with my LO (who is 2.5 years old) because, as a SAHM, I need a break and, I'm sure, he needs a break from me! My LO was an infant last time DH was deployed, so, for me, it was not as challenging (plus, my family was nearby). This time around, things are different. I hope to get him into a preschool, either on post or in our local community. He needs the socialization and I need toddler-free time.
I urge you to think about what you can do to keep busy. Also, think about who can and will be there to support you. Does your DH's unit have an FRG? Do you know any other military wives who have been through a deployment? Talk to your mom, since it sounds like she's BTDT. Make a plan NOW, so it's there when you want or need it. And, it's okay to cry and miss him. But, after crying, get up, and do something. You'll feel better. I promise.
We were stationed in North Dakota - they don't carry beer/wine in gas stations and grocery stores like many other states. Grocery stores/Walmart, etc all have a little side room attached that sells the alcohol, and under 21 aren't allowed, evidently. Which is ridiculous, it's not like I was going to fill up her bottle with tequila, and these aren't even drinking establishments....just a room that sells bottles of alcohol.
I set down my purchase on the floor and walked out. For some reason I was embarrassed, like I was busted doing something awful. It was probably the way he yelled it across the room and everyone turned to stare. Ugh.
Every deployment is different, everyone deals with deployments differently, and even those that deal with them "well" have difficult moments. These are some things that had worked for me in the past. Also, a spouse's deployment is much different from a sibling's or parent's, in my opinion, but they do help to prepare you still. Perhaps your mom can be a pillar of strength for you, being she may have gone through similar experiences with your father's deployments.
A lot of times people say the anticipation is the worst part. I think there is **some** truth to that for a relatively safe deployment. Try not to dwell on the fact that he is leaving in XX weeks, days months or whatever and instead remind yourself that you have all this time to enjoy each other's company! Plan some exciting dates or outings.
Find what makes you happy and keeps you busy. Keep in mind it may be something that isn't "you!" Try a hobby that you've never done before and enjoy every minute of learning something new. It will be motivating for you to learn something new and as a side bonus it's good conversation for those moments when conversation starts to lull when you're talking to your H. Side story:This most recent deployment I took a pole dancing workout class--which is not really me. I was talked into it by a friend and loved seeing how my upper body strength improved. I was able to do 12 pull-ups after 10 weeks of the class and had never previously done any. DH loved reading about it in my letters and seeing how excited I was to be learning something new. He said for him it was proof that I was doing well and staying happy considering the sh!tty stuff that was happening.
Get a job, volunteer...do something to keep you busy. If you're spiritual, go to church or other faith organization. If you don't have one to which you already belong, take this time to find one you enjoy.
If you have a close friend whose hubby will be deployed with yours, plan monthly dates. I've never been much of a countdown person, but more of a count up person. I like to say hey look how much we've accomplished instead of look how much more we have to go. We went out every month on the anniversary of the day they left and celebrated. We tried to different or more unique things than just our typical girls nights. Sometimes we did just go out to a normal dinner though and we always dressed up more than usual to make it more special. It was a fun way to say hey it's 3 months down or whatever!
Don't be afraid to accept help or to ask for it. It doesn't make you weak. Also don't be afraid to break down every once in a while--just keep it under control (in the sense don't let it go on for days at a time). Find your pillar of strength and avoid people that want to tear you down or start drama.
This one may be strange to some and is kind of difficult to explain...remember it could always be worse; someone always has it worse than you. I know that sounds negative, but I don't mean it in a negative way. Remembering that people have it worse than we do often keeps us grounded and thankful for what DH and I do have. It helps to keep me focused on the positives and not the negatives in life.
Lastly, keep yourself safe. Don't go around telling everyone you know DH is deployed and don't really speak about it in public places. It's not that difficult for someone to overhear a conversation and figure out that DH is deployed and for them to then assume you are just some vulnerable chick living all alone.
Good luck and I hope it flies by!
Completely agree with these 2 things!!
Changed the above issues
Thank you ladies so much for taking the time to respond, I know there are worst places for him to be and I will try to keep my head up and remember that...thanks again!
Now, when H "deploys" to Singapore, I fully expect to get teased about that
Not a ment as a pissing contest. Just sayin.
Am I the only one who wants to puke at the "America can sleep safely" shiit? Look, I get it but it's a little too cheesy for me.
It's obvious someone doesn't appriciate our service members. That's okay, we're used to it by now.
Bahahaha. I wondered if anyone was going to call that out. I just ignored the post, lol. Clearly, I have no appreciation for service members. Think they'll let me out of my contract?
Please. You're right. She has no appriciation for service members at all. Some people need to get over them selves.
Like I said, I'm used to it, so it doesn't bother me. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. But I'm not sorry to have a little bit of pride in my country. I don't know why you had to insult me when I was trying to show some support to someone who seemed like they needed it. There was absolutely no call for it. Obviously some people never left the high school drama behind. That's okay, I know I'm better than all this, so I'm going to do the adult thing here and quit talking to immature people who pick fights for no apparent reason. Have a great day! And sleep well tonight knowing there is someone who is away from everything and everyone they know and love, on guard duty, being threatened every second they are alive just for wearing a uniform and signing their lives to something much bigger than anything you will ever do, sweetheart. God Bless!
Thank you