Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: A guy who needs some female advice and perspective
Another book that help my H and me when we were having trouble is Love and Respect. It does have have a more religious spin on it but the message makes sense. It helped me at least to see what my H needs in our relationship and there is a chapter about sex is important to a relationship.
I think it's admirable that you want to make your marriage work, but wow. There have been times in my marriage when I did not want sex very often, and we would have knock-down drag outs about it. MH is very vocal about his needs in that dept and I think you have been an absolute saint by the way you have gone about "being nice" to your wife.
I truly figured out his need for that after reading the 5 Love Languages like PPs have suggested and now make the effort out of love and understanding, whether or not I'm feeling it. If at any point during our fighting/rough times with this, had MH stated that the lack of sex was a deal breaker and he was thinking of moving on from our marriage...yeah, that would have been a real wake-up call for me. I'm glad it never got to that point.
Have you straight-up told her that your lack of sex life/her attitude towards you in general are making you have thoughts of leaving? Even if you didn't initially have thoughts of leaving, you have solicited TONS of advice for you to leave her. I would think a conversation like that would at least put it out there how serious you are and hopefully she knows what she has and will want to work to keep it. I am rooting for a happy ending...good luck!
I second this book rec.
Yes, and I don't think it means anything to her. Either because she doesn't think I'm serious (I'm not certain I am either) or because she just doesn't care. The threat of my leaving doesn't seem to have any effect on her. That should tell me something there, but I just want to believe (or hope) that she's just stubborn and that me actually leaving would be devastating.
The sex issue is a mess, but let's put that aside. Because it's just a symptom.
You are a loyal, giving husband, and she is clearly really unhappy with her life.
It sounds like she might have some depressive issues and she should probably see a therapist on her own, because it seems like a lot of her anger is not about you, but about herself, her life choices, and her mental state.
Did she yell at you about the potty training in front of your daughter? If you can't resolve to not fight in front of the kids (but frankly, they know you fight, even if it's not in front of them), make sure you resolve the argument in front of the kids. That's more important than doing your fighting in private. Even if the make up is just for show, they need to see it.
Oh, that is fantastic. This...this is wine. Yeah. Look what all these idiots are drinking. Look at these dicks! Obviously it's not really delicious, like hot chocolate or Coke, but for wine...brilliant.
I haven't read all the posts but from what I have read it sounds like your wife is depressed. She's lost interest in activities she used to enjoy, has no sex drive, is possibly over-sensitive to the ways others are treating her, etc... Do you think this is a possibility?
If not, I wonder if you've asked her what SHE would like. You say that you've tried running her a bath, or have tried giving her massages, or whatever. While I personally would love those things, we're not all the same. Have you flat-out asked her what you can do to show her affection in a way she can appreciate? Have you asked her how you can be "nicer" to her? WITHOUT expecting sex at the end? Since this issue has caused such "toxicity" between you two, I can see why she might think that you are only doing nice things to get in her pants, when the thought of sex only makes her think about the last blowout in which you guys fought for hours. Not exactly a sexy thought, know what I mean?
I agree with the suggestion to go to counselling. It sounds like both of you are missing something in this relationship. You might think you are offering her everything she needs but I have a feeling something is missing for her if she is acting so cold towards you.
If none of that helps, she might truly just be one of those people who have no sex drive, and there might not be a lot that can be done to fix that. You said that you asked her about sexual compatibility before the two of you were married and she assured you it wouldn't be a problem, but really, how would she know with no experience to draw upon?
Seriously, dude. You are starting to sound like a martyr.
I've read this thread and started out sympathetic but you've managed to turn me off just by the written word.
I'm guessing your wife just isn't into you anymore and she doesn't want to hurt your perfect feelings by being honest about her own. You sound like a 'good on paper' guy that just doesn't turn her on anymore.
So, make a decision. Live like this or don't.
It's really hard to want to give advice when everything you say just gets a "Not even going to try it" response. By assuming you know her response, you really eliminate a lot of your options. "She thinks only people on tv drink wine before bed." Well, since she apparently doesn't drink wine and you took me quite literally, give her something she does like to drink. Maybe it's a nice espresso, whatever. We're all trying to give you advice based on things some women find helpful.
Here's the bottom line: she's unhappy, you're unhappy, you love each other, it takes some effort. Don't ignore the stress theory; what's left when you take away the stress of the day is pretty much just you and the kids, and you know she loves you. I don't have kids, but I can tell you I would be an absolute mess with things like potty training, etc. Of course she was upset; you basically were telling her that her concern was invalid. No woman, ever, wants to be made to feel like something she's passionate about is unimportant.
You seem like a good guy, but I think you're keeping score. A marriage can't be "won". Did you use the hospital thing against her later? If so, you have to understand why she might feel like you've just been saving that up for a good fight. It's not exactly like it was peachy for her to be in the hospital for 8 weeks.
You seem like a really nice person, and we're not trying to attack your character, but you need to realize that neither of you is perfect. I think maybe you have good intentions that you don't communicate well. If you throw something like that in her face, not only does it make her mad, but it probably depresses her as well - something that was traumatic that should build strength in a marriage is being used as a weapon in a fight. She obviously has her own issues, like not communicating well with you, and she seems like she might be a little selfish sometimes. I just know you wouldn't ask for help if you didn't want to fix things.
Absolutely not. The only time it ever came up is when she was accusing me of not being nice enough to her.
I agree with the posters who think your wife may be depressed. I also think she is struggling with severe anxiety, but is unaware, and putting the blame for her feelings squarely on your shoulders. That could explain her discomfort with trying anything new or outside of her box. It could also explain why she wants to see her parents every single week. Presumably, she feels safe with them.
What it doesn't explain is her immaturity. There is a problem in your relationship, and she's putting the blame entirely on you, leaving her faultless. She is not being entirely honest with you, because she clearly does not want to have sex, period. If she is struggling with symptoms of depression and anxiety, this is understandable, and will require your patience and understanding while she gets herself some help via counseling and, if recommended, medication. But she needs to be a responsible member of this relationship, and get herself the help and tools she needs to be able to relax and enjoy life, and sex!
Keep encouraging her to go to counseling with you. Tell her that you think she may be depressed or anxious. Read about the symptoms. Point out any consistencies you see to her, and get her thinking and examining herself. She just may recognize that her feelings are stemming from an internal cause, and not entirely from her husbands behavior.
And please, don't let her make you feel guilty for wanting to have sex with your wife. She is, maybe without realizing it, putting you in a no-win situation by telling you what you can do to make her want sex, but then accusing you of doing those things because you want to have sex! Of course you do! There is nothing wrong with wanting sex, and there is nothing wrong with doing things around the house expressly because you think it will put her in the mood. She sees things this way, because she is viewing sex in an unhealthy way. When my husband takes over the dishes at night, and tells me to go get ready for bed while he cleans up, I do not think he is doing it simply because he wants a physical reward. He is doing it so that I am relaxed and feeing generous towards him, which translates into us feeling happy and close with each other, which translates into the physical and emotional closeness of sex! He is doing it for both of us. (And hey, say he is doing it just because he wants physical release. So what?! I get an orgasm, a clean kitchen to wake up to, and a happy husband.)