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Should I Cheat? Need Advice!!
Here's the situation. I need advice from people who I don't know and won't judge me! I can't tell anyone I know about this!
Been married 3 years, been together 9. Sex is non-existent (we're talking once every 6 to 8 months). We've become friends rather than "lovers" and the idea of sex is just kind of awkward and weird. I love him, he's my best friend. My husband and I finally discussed everything wrong in our relationship recently and we are going to try to save our marriage and somehow try to get the "spark" back.
Here's the problem...
Met a guy while on a business trip and we hit it off. He lives across the country from me. Nothing happened that night (but I wanted it to sooo bad)! We've been texting and video chatting every day since we met and have become good friends (and sexting friends!) He wants me to come see him and I want to go.
I want to make my marriage work. However, I feel like I can't put my whole heart into it unless I get this "out of the way" first.
One more thing...I've never had an orgasm. Ever. In my whole life (I'm 26!!) Pretty sure this other guy could finally "get the job done."
What the heck do I do? Would it be awful of me???? HELP!
Re: Should I Cheat? Need Advice!!
My advice is DO NOT CHEAT. If you really want to save your marriage, then you will not cheat. If you don't want to save your marriage, then end it before cheating. Honestly? If you are still married then cheating is wrong. I'm sorry but that's how I see it. There is no situation in which cheating is okay. It will not help you save your marriage. I'm not judging you, I'm just giving my honest opinion.
Also there are ways to have an orgasm. With your husband. Or yourself. Not some guy you met on a business trip.
I don't know what's up with this but generally there's a big problem if a couple stops having sex --- unless there is a medical or physical reason for it. You should have found out what was going on when the cessation of intercourse begain.
No, I do not think you should cheat --- end all contact with that guy and pronto. Just cut him off; change your number and emails and do wht you have to do to make sure he cannot contact you again.
If you are on FB or some other social network, block him and ban him if he shows up.
Sex was never a big deal in our relationship, unfortunately. It's been this way before we got married so maybe like 5 years. But it's gotten progressively worse and worse. We've just become such friends that there's no spark.
My husband sat me down last week and said he didn't think we should be married anymore because we don't have any passion. He said he's felt this way for at least six months and doesn't know if things can change.
Later, he thought about what he said and changed his mind and said he wants to at least try to work things about before we separate. Everyone thinks we're the perfect couple because we get along so well and have so much fun together.
But...it's been so long since I've felt a spark for anyone and I feel that with Business Trip Guy. Of course, it's all new and exciting so that may be the reason.
I just want one weekend of good sex! But I know it's wrong...
You should think of leaving before cheating.
Sex in a marriage or a lack of there of, should never make you lean to outside sources like this. Everything in life will ebb and flow. Sex is no exception. But if you still have an emotional connection no attraction of another man could tempt you to cheat. It's ok to be attracted to other people, but to feel the need to cheat, that is a sign that their is something wrong.
You have already committed emotional cheating here. Be Honest and decide, do you want to throw away everything and chase your freedom in this guy? Or do you want to make it work?
No matter what don't lie to your husband and cheat on him.
ETA: It sounds like you are both over this marriage. Why not separate and find out if you are happier without each other?
When a guy stops having sex with his wife or SO, it's bad news. My guess is he is probably getting his share elsewhere.
Why does my spidey sense tell me that your H is possibly having an affair?
Out of the blue, all of a sudden, he "cares" enough to approach you and tell you that your marriage has no passion and he doesn't know if you should be married to him anymore....this sounds fishy indeed --- and then he pulls a complete turn around and wants to work on the marriage.
I'd sit down with him and ask him what the hell's really happening here. If something else is in the mix, he owes it to you to tell you what it is.
Are you serious???? are you really asking if you should cheat?? This is disturbing. If you want out of your relationship, then Divorce your Husband first then go gallivanting across the country to your dream!
BTW, if I was your husband and I found out my WIFE was sexting another person, I would go nuts, not to mention its a form of cheating!
By sexting and forming an emotional connection with this guy, you are already cheating, which is not okay under any circumstances. Ever.
Sit down and have a talk with your husband. If you both can be happy staying married and having an open marriage where you can get as much sex as you want, go for it, but not until you've had the talk and know you both are okay with it. If he's not okay, then you need to decide whether you want to stay in the marriage and not be in any sort of relationship with this other guy or get a divorce. Until a decision has been made that is honest and fair to your husband, you cannot do anything with this man (or any other man).
As far as orgasming goes, if you've never had an orgasm, having sex with this guy will not give you one. Maybe eventually, but certainly not the first time. You need to learn what your body responds to and you need to do that by yourself. And keep in mind that most women cannot orgasm from intercourse alone (although there are of course other ways men can give orgasms).
Plain and simple, if you REALLY wanted to make your marriage work, like you claim to, this wouldn't even be an issue.
Re-evaluate what is important to you, what you want to be your future. And, think about how you would feel if he did this to you.
Sounds like you already have a decision you'd prefer to make and you're going through the motions to make it seem like you put in effort to save the relationship.
As far as orgasming goes, if you've never had an orgasm, having sex with this guy will not give you one. Maybe eventually, but certainly not the first time. You need to learn what your body responds to and you need to do that by yourself. And keep in mind that most women cannot orgasm from intercourse alone (although there are of course other ways men can give orgasms).
Better yet, how about you get them on your own? Ever heard of masturbation? That's the only way you will find out what turns you on and what makes you feel good.
What slays me: all of this time went by with nearly no sex....and they are only addressing the problem now. Willing to bet he doesn't give 2 figs and somehow the OP decided that encroaching the topic after so many months of an H who would not ante up (for only reasons he knows of) will do the trick.
Where's the communication here???? Very very sad.
1. Stop talking to the guy from the business trip completely. You have other issues to deal with first.
2. Decide if you want to fix your marriage. If you do, then focus on that. If you don't, get a divorce. Then you can do whatever you want with whoever you want.
3. Have an orgasm for pete's sake. "Get the job done" yourself. Because if you don't know what works for you, how do you expect someone else to magically figure it out?
Met a guy while on a business trip and we hit it off. He lives across the country from me. Nothing happened that night (but I wanted it to sooo bad)! We've been texting and video chatting every day since we met and have become good friends (and sexting friends!) He wants me to come see him and I want to go.
BUT....
She wants her marriage to work!
If you were serious about your marriage, the last thing on your mind would be a 'friend" of this type. End contact with this guy --- and wow, you don't know what you're up against. Suppose he sends those sexts to your H???
"Would it be awful of me?????" Yes.
You're already emotionally cheating on your husband, which is a really d!ck thing to do. Stop being such a sleeze and get a divorce. Then you can sleep with and sext anybody you damn well please without being an @$$hole.
I never thought I'd ever actually say this on TK/TN/TB, but seriously? I feel sorry for your husband.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I'm responding before reading the other responses to give my natural reaction to this so forgive me if it's a repeat.
You made a vow. Keep it.
You agreed with your husband that you would "work on things" yet cheating on hims is NOT working towards bettering your relationship. In fact it is quite the opposite.
IMO you have three options. For me only the first two would be options but I'll throw the third out in case you see things differently than I do.......
1. You leave your husband (for good), file for divorce, and then go ahead and do whatever you want with this man.
2. You make the decision to keep your vows of marriage and to keep your agreement to work on your marriage which means you IMMEDIATELY and COMPLETELY cut off all contact with this man out of respect to your husband. You cannot be "just friends". You end it. NOW.
3. .....you talk to your husband about this.....tell him everything......and discuss the idea of an open marriage.
IMO you can't have your cake and eat it to so it's time to put on your big girl panties and make a decision as to which you want more.....your marriage, or this other man that lives across the country who you have met in person ONCE.
If you want your marriage to work you just don't cheat, it's that simple.
Stop talking to this other guy and get to counselling.
Can you give yourself an O? Because if you can you can likely teach your H how to give it to you too. (once you fix the rest of your marriage that is)
I have to agree with everyone else on here. No one has a perfect marriage. Marriage takes work, dedication, and devotion, and I am not trying to sound harsh but it seems like neither of you are putting anything in anymore. I am a little more old fashioned, and do not think divorce should be a quick solution for marital problems, but it is MUCH better than cheating.
You cannot say that you want your marriage to work, and even be contemplating cheating. It makes no sense. It is clear you do not want your marriage to work, and if that is the case, and you are either going to cheat or leave, then pick the latter.
Sometimes I wonder why people always assume the grass is greener on the other side, and imagine that a relationship, or sex will be SO much better with someone else when, in reality, if you have not achieved an orgasm by yourself, then you might not be able to achieve it with a man other than your husband. This man is not the magical ticket that will solve your sexual problems. Take your pleasure into your own hands, literally.
If you are truly this unhappy, then be a woman and leave. I say this in the kindest way possible. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. If you are going to break your vows, a promise that you made to each other, than at least be as respectful as possible. You say he is your best friend, but it sounds to me like you do not have much of a regard for his feelings at all if you are already sexting and video chatting with another man.
I wish you luck and I hope that you take a lot of time before you make such a big decision. Is one weekend of sex, great or not, worth losing the respect of your friends, family, and husband?
Thank you for your advice. I think I knew all along it was wrong but just liked the sexual attention (since obviously I wasn't getting it elsewhere).
I really appreciate all of the people who didn't judge me. To the people who called me shameful....I really hope one day you never have to experience an unhappy marriage. Someday I hope to be as perfect as you obviously are.
But to everyone else...thank you. I think I know what I have to do now.
Dude, I never claimed to be perfect or to have a perfect marriage. But both my husband and I have been cheated on before in previous relationships, and frankly, it sucks. My husband and I talked a lot about this issue before we even got engaged, and we both agreed that if either of us ever started to seriously consider cheating, we'd have the common decency to just end the marriage instead.
And even if I decided to completely throw that agreement out the window, I wouldn't be polling strangers on the internet on whether or not I should remain faithful. So yeah, I'm judging you.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
These really are your only options. Continuing down your current path will absolutely leave someone in this situation badly hurt. You are at a crossroads here, and you must make a choice.
As far as orgasms, I strongly suggest:
1) get yourself to a sex toy shop post haste
2) buy a variety of types of vibrators/anything that looks interesting
3) buy a raunchy book/movie
4) buy a bottle of wine
5) plan a long, quiet evening of loving yourself
"sexting" is cheating.
Definitely.^
Sweetie, you are already cheating.
Someone who truly wants to make their marriage work actually works on their marriage rather than look outside for fulfillment.
Give your husband the dignity of ending the marriage with full disclosure of your infidelity and carry on with your life.
Dude, if you want good friends, try a group where you can meet WOMEN of common interests.
Drop this other man and do it now. As a pp pointed out, this is already cheating.
If you don't want any part of your H anymore, I suggest you woman up and tell him now; give him the chance to find somebody who wants him.
Let me enlighten you...
cheating changes you..as a person. It invades your subconscious, it sneaks up on you, it will never go away. You'll be driving along and flashback...and wish you could crawl through time and change it all. The moment you cheat you become "that person" ..the person you never thought you would be. No amount of sexual satisfaction equals the pain you inflict on yourself when you break your own moral code.. I also agree with PP, you will not find your orgasm in the arms of a stranger.
cheating changes the victim of your infidelity. It makes them doubt their self worth, hate themselves, and you. The details never leave them...and oh there will be details. The littlest thing from how long you kissed someone goodbbye to whether or not you actually loved them...these will all haunt your husband. And haunt is not really a strong enough word here. One could go crazy in that pit of hell. And no cheater ever goes unpunished...eventually you would be caught, so you have to ask yourself if you hate your husband enough to do that to him.
I only tell you this because what could seem like a purely physical thing is never just that...I hope you can find the path for you
EXCELLENT!!!!! If this doesn't make her see the light, nothing will!
marriage is about commitment. its not about the spark. the spark in every single marriage will come and go. you told him at the alter that no matter what happened youd be commited to him. you wont feel any more motivated to put effort into your marriage by sleeping with another man. truth be told sometimes when you act like things are ok your emotions follow. i know it sounds weird but try it. go on a date. dress up. have passionate sex afterward. write love letters to each other or if you dont think itd be sincere write letters to each other listing the reasons you got together in the first place. talk to eachother honestly about what you want in your marriage and be willing to take critisism before you start. be nice about it though. remember that youre there for eachother. its not just that he should fulfil your needs.
if you still think about cheating think about what your reaction would be if he weree to cheat. marriage is supposed to be based on trust. how can you base it on that if you do something like this. think about the long run and the bigger issue. not your immediate gratification. its worth it.
The PP who said End the relationship and have the decency to do so when you start thinking about cheating is spot on. Give your spouse the chance to find what he wants and needs with somebody else; it's only fair to the spouse.
I know it's been said before, but I'm definitely in agreement about one thing here: No one deserves to be cheated on, and the order of operations here needs to be try to work it out -> if not, divorce -> then look for someone else. I feel like if you're wondering to yourself if you should cheat, you're probably aren't confident that things will work out with your spouse.
Just a sidenote: If I found out my husband was sexting someone else, it would devastate me. I mean, partially just the breach of trust, but also the idea that he didn't care enough about me to let me go. If you love or even care about your spouse, you should stop sexting that other man. Ultimately, if you do split up, then you're free to find someone else, but would you want to remember for the rest of your relationship with business trip guy that you met while you were married to someone else? (I hope that didn't sound judgemental, it wasn't meant to be.)
I'm very sorry about your relationship with your husband. If it's what you want, I really hope it's salvageable for you! If it doesn't work, I hope you can both move on and be happy. Good luck!
Just another thought:
Do you really want to be with a man who will sleep with a MARRIED woman? It really speaks to his character. If he's willing to help you cheat on your husband, chances are that he won't be loyal to you. Not the type of person I would want to be "good friends" with.