Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Fiance emotional cheating
I will try to make this as short as possible, My fiance has had a problem in the past talking to other women online. While it has never became physical I am obviously hurt.This morning I found old voice text chat from a women calling him baby and everyday talk.This is just a chat room he met her in, I confronted him and he started crying and apologized and admitted that he needs help. He said its fake to him and just a way to get attention since he uses some ripped guys picture and its not really him. We have an 18 month old daughter and are a little over 30 days away from our wedding. I just dont know what to do, I broke up with him already and i know he is very upset(we have been together almost 8 years) and has begged and pleaded for me to help him get help. He doesnt see this as emotional cheating because it is fake to him. I dont think i can ever trust him again tho. Please any advice would be appreciated!
BFP 2/14/2010 Kylie was born 10/10/10 happy and healthy
Re: Fiance emotional cheating
He doesnt see this as emotional cheating because it is fake to him. I dont think i can ever trust him again tho.
And this is why he will never change. He uses the excuse that it isnt really cheating because you keep buying it and excusing it. Why should he change? He has learned this pattern from you.
Most responses are goingto be the same, dump his lying cheating a$$ once and for all. He doesnt care about you until he gets caught, then he plays the manipulation game that seems to work so well on you.
Do not marry a cheating manipulating liar, you know this about him NOW. If you marry him knowing this, when it happens again after the wedding dont be shocked.
Teach your child to have respect by showing some self respect.
Cancel the wedding and hire a lawyer to walk you through the custody/child support issues. It'll be a lot cheaper this way than to divorce a few months from now.
You also need to contact your GYN and schedule an STD test. The odds of this just being "emotional" cheating are slim to none.
And he probably will not be for a very long time.
No happily engaged and to-be-married-soon man chats up other women in an inappropriate way -- and this is way inappropriate.
He's crying and apologizing because he got caught.
Do yourself a favor --- dump this piece of garbage. He's cheating --- period.
And for love of all holy, do not TTC with this guy. Dump him; he is cheating. Looks like this bum has the 8 year itch.
Pleaded to you to get him help? Help his ass out the door. That's what.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do not marry this guy. The following are NOT reasons enough to get married:
-The wedding is planned and really soon
-It would be embarrassing to call off the wedding
-You've been together many years
-You have a child together
-You love/loved him.
You really need to think what reasons remain to get married with those above off the table. If you choose to go ahead with the marriage, it is pretty much guaranteed that he will repeat this behavior.
my read shelf:
<a href="http://s23.photobucket.com/albums/b384/OneSweetShannon/?action=view
Yikes! Dump this bastardo!
He can be as sorry as he wants, but he will be sorry by himself. He keeps lying and cheating (I don't believe it one bit that he says it didn't get physical) until he gets caught. Then, he gets all sob-fest-waterworks when you threaten to leave. What an utter bastardo.
Get tested and get out. JFC
Betty ain't a Bookworm for nothin'. Pay particular attention to her first four words.
You said, " ...[he] has begged and pleaded for me to help him get help." Why does he need your help in order for him to get help? He's a grown-ass man who can easily search for a sexual addictions therapist online. This is something he not only should do himself, but NEEDS to himself. He is, in a roundabout way, putting you partly to blame for him not getting better, and that's entirely untrue. Don't you dare feel guilty or responsible for a moment, because you are not.
While I do believe that relationships and marriages can be saved when both parties are willing to put 110% effort into working on their issues, he does not sound at all ready to work on his. You say you don't think you can ever trust him again. He denies its really cheating because its fake. He is putting the responsibility on you to get him help. He is not ready to commit to you in a marriage and I can promise you that you will be MUCH better off at least postponing the marriage indefinitely, if not cancelling it altogether. I'm not sure that he'll ever be in a position to take any responsibility for this, and you could end up spending a lot of your life waiting for a moment that will never come.
He's broken and you can't fix him.
Why do you want a guy who cheated on you and has made it clear that you aren't number one and number only in his life?
I don't think he has a sexual addiction. He's just a plain ole garden variety cheating douchebag. Get rid of him.
Oh, I'm sure he's telling you the truth. I mean, it's not like he has a history of lying to you about other women, right?
Why does he need you to help him get help? He can march his happy ass to a therapist all by his grown self.
I think that this is one of those times when you can feel a thousand different things, and they're all valid in some way. You can still love him some, and hate him, and want to kill him and never want to be without him. However, you need to look at this situation coldly, without any kind of passion and then act on that, not the emotions. The facts are as follows: He cheated on you. He does not see anything wrong with having cheated on you. You therefore cannot trust him, since he does not feel he has breached your trust. In my world, never being able to trust a guy means he hits bricks.
Honey YOU have a self esteem issue. Anyone who stays with a cheating liar and justifies his actions with excuses has as many issues as he does.
We can not try to reason with a girl who has no self respect or is too imature to see the writing on the wall. I do not why you bothered posting, you will continue to excuse his behavior because you LLLOOOVVVEEEE him sooo much. so much you will continue to be used as a doormat.
You do not know this for certain that he hasn't had sex with one of his little pen pals.
Do you want to risk that chance? I do not think you do.
You sound like a nice person who is in a horribly wrong place at the most horribly wrong time. Do yourself a favor: put yourself and the kiddo first: that is what matters here.
And who gives a tin_shit about his self esteem. That is his problem and not yours. Bully to him.
You lived without him before you met him -- and you'll happily do the same after yu tell this creep to take a walk.
You know the drill:
If there are any shared assets, like money, take your half and move it to a bank account he knows nothing of; get your financial ducks in order and if you 2 own a home or any property together, lawyer up. You'll need to do so anyway to get child support and visitation squared away.
One thing is for certain....
marriage and babies only put microscopes on the problems and magnify them... neither solves any issues that exist before them. It only gets worse!
Get out now before it is a costly, messy divorce. Plus... I know that you don't want to be without him... but my mom felt that way after my dad cheated 4 times and she begged him to come back. She walked on eggshells their entire marriage and wasn't really happy... let's just say that it wasn't the easiest house to grow up in. And my first BF... was exactly like my dad....and I did just what my mom did.
He is showing you who he really is.... so believe him. And either marry him with all his faults and assume they won't get better...or dump him and then you don't have a problem any more.
I know how hard it must be to leave someone who you've been with for 8 years and who you have a child with. You don't have to leave him today. However, if you consider this behavior to be unacceptable, and he keeps doing it and feels that he cannot stop himself, now is NOT the time to make a lifetime commitment. Postpone the wedding. Work on things. Send him to therapy.
Or, accept that he will seek attention from strangers online using a fake identity for the duration of your marriage, and learn to be ok with it.Keep in mind that eventually this will lose its thrill and he'll have to find a way to up the ante, such as phone sex. Be prepared for things to get worse if you don't address them now.
If your daughter came home and told you her BF was chatting up women online and talking on the phone with them what would you tell HER? Would you want your precious, innocent daughter staying with a man like that? the answer is no. Why do you think you deserve any less? Get yourself some personal therapy to figure out why you don't think you can leave this guy. Your daughter deserves better than to live in a house where it is acceptable for a woman to be treated like poo.
P.S.-you cannot KNOW he hasn't been physical with them, you can only choose to believe the word of a known liar.
Dude, this is fundamentally who your FI is. He's a man who needs attention from other women, who needs to lie and deceive both you and some random chicks he's talking up online. He knows it bothers you but it's more important to him to seek outside validation than it is to respect your feelings.
You've been together 8 years, you still aren't married, and he still has questionable behaviors that are never resolved.
These are all glaring red flags that your personalities, needs, and natural inclinations are far too different from each other's for this to be a good match. Plus, the whole crying business is straight manipulation. I know it sucks but call of the wedding, permanently. This is not the man you want to marry.
Emotional cheating or no, fake or real, it's disrepectful and he shows no signs of stopping. In fact, even as he begs for help, he's trying to tell you it shouldn't matter.
Screw him.
Click me, click me!
And you don't have to live without him. You have a child together. Part of you two will always be linked. You'll also be coparents so he'll always be in your life. This doesn't mean he gets to be in a position where he repeatedly breeches your trust and hurts you.
Maybe he's a decent partner in parenting. Fine, he can continue to be that. But clearly he's no good at being a partner in a relationship so end that part.
Click me, click me!
Ah, I see. You're his first, he wants to sow his wild oats, but he's tied to you. So, walla, he comes up with this solution to his problem. He tells you (and himself most likely) that it's OK because he uses other dudes pictures.
Lets pretend for a second that he hasn't escalated this. He has a 99.9999% chance of doing so in the future because he's not happy in your relationship and has a proven track record of lying and looking to others to make him feel good about himself.
Go let him sow his wild oats. He's not ready for marriage, and he'll certainly never be a happy partner with you. It's not your fault.
Dude, this guy is FULL of red flags. If you ignore them and marry him, that's your choice, but you will regret it.
Why are you attracted to someone who has self esteem issues? Why do you want to marry someone who cheats on you? I'd start with those questions and seek out a therapist to help you work on the answers.
"I dont think i can ever trust him again tho"
... you're right, you can't. He has repeatedly showed you that you can't. He will always be part of your life because you have a child together, but please don't marry him. Think of how hard it is right now, to contemplate leaving him and truly ending this relationship. Now imagine you are 5 years into a marriage and his behavior either A) hasn't changed or
has escalated into physical cheating and you have another child and even more time invested ... it's only going to get harder and harder to leave, and more and more messy to un-entangle your lives. This man is showing you who he is and you need to believe him.
Emotional cheating is still cheating. Whether or not its caused by low self esteem he's doing something he knows is hurtful, by looking outside the relationship for validation, and doesn't care that it hurts you. His own need for attention is greater than your feelings on this issue.
To me it sounds like you are both pretty young and he is still wondering what is out there in the world. Over time the fact that he looks to other women for attention and feels something lacking in your own relationship is not going to get better. It will only lead to a bigger rift and feelings of resentment. You resenting him because he will never fully commit and him resenting you because he will be wondering if there is something better out there.
I agree with the others that his failure to acknowledge that this is wrong means it is something he is bound to do over and over. I also don't believe that he wouldn't physically cheat on you given the chance, just because he hasn't done it yet. This is a slippery slope.
This X1000000
Respect yourself first.
He doesnt see this as emotional cheating because it is fake to him. I dont think i can ever trust him again tho.
If you marry him, you'll realize that it's a cycle. First, he doesn't think it's emotional cheating because it's fake to him. Then, it won't be cheating because it's only emotional. Then, it won't be cheating because they only have phone sex. Then, the only fooled around. Then, it won't be cheating, because well, he doesn't get sex at home, so he has to get it somewhere. Do you follow me? He'll always have an excuse.