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splitting the cost of expensive BC
This is something that's been on my mind for a little while, so I thought I'd get your opinions.
I used to have a Paragard and loved it. But after 4 years, it just suddenly dislodged and I had to have it removed (I think it was 2 years ago? I don't know, my memory is hazy.) I haven't really been on any BC religiously since then, because I can't find anything I like that doesn't cause various issues.
When my Paragard came out, I didn't want to get another one because at the time I was 32 and wanted kids. But I've been thinking a lot lately about the possibility of changing my mind about wanting children in the future. I think I'm about 80/20 now, leaning towards no, so I've been thinking about possibly getting another Paragard.
Problem is, my insurance won't cover it, and $1200 for the device and office visit is way out of my reach. (And due to my history, I'd want to have my current OB/GYN insert it, so no going cheaper at PP for me.)
Would it be out of line to ask BF to split the cost of something so expensive with me? He, too, isn't sure that he wants more kids, so I'm sure he'd think it was great if I got the Paragard, I'm just not sure how he'd react at me asking him to help pay for it. Obviously I'm going to talk to him about it soon, I just thought I'd get opinions here first.
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Re: splitting the cost of expensive BC
I, personally, would never ask a boyfriend to help cover the cost of something like that. There are plenty of other BC options if you want to prevent pregnancy. BC pills make me a crazy person and some times that means spending more $ to be covered using other methods, but it's a cost I am willing to pay until it's time to ttc.
I just asked BF what he would think if I asked him and he said he'd rather explore other forms for prevention and wouldn't want to split the cost.
Also, to clarify, my insurance won't pay for ANY forms of BC other than the pill.
I've researched all of the different forms of BC (and used quite a few in my life), and for several different reasons, the Paragard really is my best option. I also feel that it's the most effective, and for two people that aren't sure that they want kids at all, the more effective (i.e. less of a chance for me tofuckup), the better.
As someone that is happy to split the cost of condoms (yes, they're much cheaper, but over a long period of time it does add up), I say that this is not out of line to discuss.
But if money is an issue, I would be prepared to research and/or try some cheaper methods of BC. Have you previously tried other methods and they didn't work or you reacted badly? Or is it that the Paragard just happened to work really well?
Personally, I think BC cost should be a shared expense in a serious relationship, as both parties are benefiting from it. But that's just my opinion.
ETA: Just saw that you answered my Q about other forms of BC. Also, my first few comments are assuming you're in a serious relationship. I wouldn't ask a bf whom I have just been seeing only semi seriously.
We have. We've done the I Love You's and he has a key to my house, and we're together about 4 nights a week. I've met his youngest daughter and will be meeting the oldest one soon.
I guess I'm curious. Is it the extreme cost that you'd be uncomfortable with, or just asking him to split BC in general? Because I think that men should be just as responsible to prevent pregnancy as the woman, especially when he's the one that doesn't want kids the most.
ETA: He also makes more than twice the salary I do, if that bears anything on your response.
I personally wouldn't ask, but that's just me. I'm not saying he shouldn't have some responsibility in bc, but that's a ton of money to split for someone you've not been dating that long, kwim?
What about the ring? Not a ton of thinking involved and you only really have to deal with it twice a month.
For me, it's the cost and that fact that you're only dating. I agree that men should be equals in the bc department. I finally found a pill that works ok for me but bf still covers the cost of condoms. if you were engaged or married it'd be totally different to discuss that.
My extreme hesitancy to use anything hormonal stems from my past issues with both Depo and several different pills. The Depo actually made me suicidal years ago, and the 4 different types of pill I've taken have all whacked out my hormones so badly that I became very depressed. I'm honestly just scared to death to do anything with hormones.
I used to have severe panic attacks while on hormonal bc pills and ended up not using anything for awhile (I should say only used condoms and then XH had a vasectomy). I've tried the ring without any issue at all. My doctor said that because of the method of releasing the hormones it's actually much easier on your body. Just throwing out options!
The ring made me act like a crackhead and I was so depressed I almost left my husband and child (in hindsight, leaving the H wouldn't have been a bad choice after all). If you don't do well with hormones, it's probably not for you.
I wouldn't ask him to split the cost unless we were engaged and combining finances. At this point, you're just dating, and if you break up, then you have something in your body that he paid half of, and your next BF (or husband or whatever) will benefit from it. To me, that feels weird.
What if you flipped the situation and BF asked you to split the cost of a vasectomy, what would your initial response be?
I think my issue with it is that it is a more permanent BC and what if you breakup? Would you pay him back? Pro Rate it for the time he doesn't receive the, um, "benefit"? i think if it was a monthly thing that cost $40-60 it wouldn't bother me. The fact that is lasts YEARS, and you all aren't married or engaged or even living together gives me pause.
I think the idea of sharing the cost of BC is fair. But I would not think it is fair to make someone pay for a BC option that last 10 years for you.
Not to be negative but what happens if things don't work out in two years? A month to month option or a 6 month option I think is fair but to pay 1/2 of a ten year BC seems like to much. IMO
I agree... what happens if you breakup? Are you going to give him back $$? Seems really weird. I would feel really odd asking for my BF to pay for my BC. $1,200 is a lot but it's not that much considering how long it lasts. If you can't afford it you need to save up or use another method.
You have been together 3 months... seems like you are discussing really serious issues for such a short relationship.
I wouldn't have a problem with paying him back in the future, as having time to get together funds is easier than having it all "right now" (because the doctor won't allow payment plans on this, I've checked. It has to be paid for upfront in advance in order to have it done.) If I have to save for a year to even GET it, that's a year that's less protected from pregnancy. I'd be way more inclined to save over time to pay him back than wait to get it while saving.
And discussing BC is "serious talk" for a young relationship? How so?
As far as the "do we or don't we want kids" thing, we haven't discussed it in reference to us *together*, but we've broached the subject tentatively from each of our own perspectives, because if one of us wants kids and the other doesn't, then it would be a dealbreaker on continuing the relationship. We're 33/34, it's a pretty important issue to discuss, don't you think?
All of this. It's great that you're feeling so good about the relationship, but the reality is that you've only been together a few months.
It seems really wrong to me to ask him to pay a large amount of money for BC that will last you 10 years when there's no real long term commitment yet. If you were living together/ engaged/ married it would be different.
Discussing a split payment for a TEN YEAR birth control seems serious. talking about birth control in general, not so much. I also think there is a difference in just discussing if you are on BC/etc. and talking about splitting the costs.
If a guy I had been dating came to me after three months of dating asking me to split the costs of a vasectomy that lasted ten years, I would be weirded out. It brings up "where will WE be in 10 years" and "Do I want kids, or will I in the next 10 years?" and "What if we DO break up, would he pay me back? How awkward a conversation would THAT be? I'm leaving, you owe me $600 for your vasectomy."
I also personally wouldn't want some guy I have dated 3 months kind of owning something that is inside of me. But that's just me personally. It may make me feel like I owe him, i dunno. It just is a weird position for me personally. Now, marriage/engagement something that shows lifelong(even though it may not actually be) commitment, I would feel more comfortable splitting the cost. Just, not with someone I am only dating.
Discussing short term BC is mature, discussing long term BC is 'serious talk' for a young relationship.
Has he complained about using condoms? Because that's the only way I can see asking him to split the cost, as in "I'd like to stop using them to, but this is the only BC option that works for me, and I can't handle the cost alone". Otherwise I say stick with condoms.
Yes, we've both discussed how much we hate condoms.
I guess I'm looking at it as, guys have no clue how long birth control lasts. Unless I tell him, he's never going to have any idea that it lasts for 10 years.
Oh, and I seriously doubt that if he did pay for half, and we did break up, he would ask for repayment. He loaned his ex-GF of a couple of months money to pay her rent so she wouldn't get evicted, and never asked for it back even after they broke up.
Wait, so are you planning on asking him to pay $600 for birth control and not telling him how long it lasts/what all it does? I don't think you can ask someone to pay for something and lie to them (by omission) about it.
The second highlight-I personally would not feel okay with a BF paying that much money for something and breaking up and NOT repaying him.
I think if you are up front and honest about it and he is all for it-you are both adults and can do what you want. Just because *I* wouldn't do it doesn't mean it is wrong for you. I just think you need to make sure you explore all the angles and possible consequences first.
No, I'm not "planning" on anything, I was commenting on the fact that everyone's all "But it's TEN YEARS!" and that he wouldn't have any clue about whether it lasts for 10 days, 10 years, or 10 decades.
And I didn't say I wouldn't pay him back, I said that from what I know of him, he probably wouldn't ask for/expect to be paid back. It's not in his nature.
I hope he is smart enough to realize if you are paying 1200 for it it lasts more than 10 days. I don't think it matters what HE knows. I was giving you things to think about. If I was going to do this, I would consider the fact that it lasts TEN YEARS and what all that entails. I would consider the fact that there is a possibility we could break up and would I pay him back? The whole 600? Would I pro rate it for the "use" he got out of it, or is that tacky? These are just things I would consider, so I threw them out there. You asked opinions, you got them. You can do what you want with them.
Wait...does anyone else hear that? I think Kanye West is singing in the background.
stop fighting about this like a beebee.
it is really f*cking weird to ask your boyfriend of three months to pay for a method of birth control that lasts ten years.
Sweetie, if I were going to be a golddigger, I'd surely do it with someone who didn't spend half his salary on his kids, and I'd ask for a hell of a lot more than $600.
Like others said discussing short term birth control is not what I meant. I meant asking a man that you have known for 3 months for $600 to protect you from pregnancy for 10 years is not a normal request.
I don't know why you think he wouldn't research what it is and discover how long it lasts.
Maybe a different doctor can work out a payment plan with you?
If the tables were turned and a 34 year old man that I have been dating for 3 months asked me for $600 to help him pay for a vasectomy it would be really odd and weird. Honestly it would be a huge turn off that he couldn't afford his own medical expenses and expected me to provide this expensive alternative to condoms that might outlast our relationship by years.