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How do you know when you're ready for kids?
My H is "ready" and has been for a while. I'm on the fence, and feel like I have been forever. I also feel like I could stay on it indefinitely.
I *think* a lot of my concern stems from me being the primary source of income. It scares me to death to think about maternity leave/bedrest/all the other unknowns related to pregnancy and babies.
It also scares me to think I may be on the fence forever (yes, we talked about this before we got married. I said I didn't know for sure and that it scares me. He was ok with that response, but in hindsight I'm sure he was confident I'd change my mind).
Short of "surprise!" how did you decide? I'm a little jealous of those who always felt like they were meant to be mothers (I don't mean that to be offensive in the least, so I hope it doesn't come off like it is).
Re: How do you know when you're ready for kids?
I wish I could help you, but I wanted to let you know that you're not sitting on the fence alone.
Mostly what I've heard is you will never be entirely ready.
Total truth.
I've had a few pregnancy scares in my almost 3 year marriage (because my period likes to screw with me and be two weeks late for fun on occasion). The first time I was in tears. H and I were so scared and upset. The other two times it's been more of a we can do this, we'll make it work attitude.
I don't know if we'll ever be totally ready.
Also H and I went into marriage planning to wait 4-5 years before TTC. That'll make H 29 and me 28. We really want to have us time before kids.
I don't think I ever had an "okay, I'm ready" moment. I just did it. And when it happened, I never thought "oh jeez--I'm not ready!"
I can TOTALLY understand being on the fence. DO NOT do it to make him happy, though. I'm not saying that he's pushing you, but there may be the thought in the back of your mind that you should do this to make him happy. You have to make this decision based on what will make you happy.
Forget-Me-Nots: Alaska State Flower
It's nice to know I'm not alone.
It just seems for so many people (ok, on TN at least) it's like one day they're all "ok! We're going to start TTC this month!" What makes this month so much different from last month?!
Take a look at your nice things, get you favorite nice thngs and throw it against a wall. If you don't cry, you're ready for kids.
The only thing that I looked at as "ready" was not having to go out and party all the time. Could I give up the luxury of doing "me" things on a whim. Once I was past that, I figured all systems were go. I don't know that one can be 100% ready for kids. I know I wasn't, but you learn as you go. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't have kids in my 20's, 30's are perfect for me to have kids. But it is different for everyone.
This is SO SELFISH, but one thing that never fails to give me pause is how much I like/need/enjoy my sleep. I am really not a nice person to be around without it, and I don't function well!!
Fortunately, I don't have many breakable things that I'm very attached to, so maybe that's a good sign?!
When I was a teenager I was sure I'd have my first by 25. Yowza. I am SO THANKFUL now that I didn't stick to that timeline (we're in our early 30s).
I don't think you can ever be truly ready for something you can't fully comprehend until it happens. I think it's responsible to have your ducks in a row, and that was important to me.
SMACE makes a good point. A huge part of the adjustment of parenthood is mourning the loss of your former self. If you feel like you have things you've yet to get out of your system (travel, partying, career stuff), then you probably aren't ready.
Ready or not, it's a massive leap of faith. I ttc for many years and had G at 35 and I was scared shiitless. I still am sometimes. You mention being scared a few times and that's totally natural. I think it would be strange not to be.
We decided based on two main factors: 1) when we felt financially ready; 2) when we felt we had sufficiently enjoyed being childfree. We felt financially ready around age 26, but not emotionally ready until age 28. Then it took us a few months to conceive - we will have the baby a few months before we turn 30 (birthdays 11 days apart).
We always "knew" we wanted kids but I never had an "oh shiiitt I must start TTC tomorrow" type of moment. More just like - "now seems like a good time. We feel happy and satisfied and we think we are ready for the challenge of raising a child." Assuming you have a good marriage / emotional support and feel financially ready, I would just go with your gut (and that of your partner) and not overthink it.
I honestly think it gets harder to make the call the older you get and the more you value a nice childfree lifestyle (if you have one). When I got married at 25 I assumed we would start trying at 26-27 but didn't want to give up on travel and other luxuries yet.
Kids are a risk. You risk finances, you risk your relationship with your spouse, and you risk your health. In all honesty, I think it makes more sense NOT to have kids. Despite that, we wanted them. Even after we knew better, we had another one. For is, er wanted kids and were ready for them when, ultimately the idea of having them was more attractive than not having them.
Simplied answer, perhaps, but that is It.
this truly made me lol.
op, are you ready to wipe someone's butt multiple times a day for 3+ years?
I thought I always knew I was ready and our kid was almost five years in the making from the day I threw out the pills until the day I went in for my c-section. On the day of the c-section I freaked the hell out wondering what in the hell I was thinking.
DH was on the fence the whole time but went with it.
I agree you will never be totally ready.
Daycare is SO exhausting!
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i got knocked up at 18 and decided abortion wasn't for me.
proooobbbbably not what you're looking for here.
Yes, but YOU CHOSE TO DO IT AGAIN! So kind of, it is.
Butt wiping was never an issue with me. But the sleep deprivation....OMG. I hated that part of it. Hated.
Forget-Me-Nots: Alaska State Flower
I *think* that's a bigger concern for me. It's a very major one. Also, Jules post is not helping matters... lol
And Flexie - I won't let him pressure me. I'm too strong willed, to his dismay, I'm sure. He knows if I'm not sure it's NOT happening (with mostly anything, not just this).
you know you're ready when the idea of notkids scares you more/seems more daunting/feels less right than the idea of kids. seriously. "oh you have to be sure" and "at least $100k in savings" and "when your ovaries leap from your body when you see a newborn!" is all a bunch of hindsight-laden hooey.
for me, it was years of marriage before i got there, and then i got there quickly and without any traceable influence or impetus. like 6 months between "eh, maybe one day" to "NOW!" and i was STILL in shock and denial for most of my pregnancy, even though i had moments of extreme preparation and happiness.
also, the sleep deprivation and bodily fluid stuff are no cakewalk, but for me i was lucky that the former didn't last too long and the later wasn't as off putting as i'd feared.
I'll say this, wr/t the butt wiping: It is most definitely gross, but it isn't as bad when its your own kid. For example, I had allll kinds of anxiety when I was pg about puke. I still do. I hate it, get insanely anxious about it when I feel nauseous, or even think about one of my kids puking. But then, when my kid is *actually* puking, it's ok. Like, no anxiety at all. Because its my kid. ANYONE else puking = me on the crazy train. But not w/ my kid. If that makes sense.
And the sleep deprivation thing sucks. Not going to lie. But all kids sleep, eventually. And if you only have one, you can sleep when they do. Screw the housework, turn off the computer/tv, go to bed early, and truly sleep when they do. The insane sleep deprivation only lasts a month or so. Even sucky sleepers (like, kids who are still waking up at age 2, 3, 4) aren't up 3-4x/night then (usually). It's like once, maybe 2x. And, it is weird to say, but you do start to get used to it. Which may be good, or bad, depending on your outlook.
This is going to sound really weird, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to actually explain it properly, but here's my attempt.
My issue with the butt wiping is not actually the pee/poop. I deal with that at work more times a day than I'd care to count. It's the thought of wiping a wriggling, fragile creature that could roll over and crash to the floor and break and cry and not be fixable. I'm not super thrilled thinking about a kid rolling around smearing poop everywhere, but that's less of an issue for me. Also, dealing with tiny boy parts! Gah!
Oh, this is no problem at all. 1) babies are *insanely* flexible (think of how crunched up they are in the mom, and how they actually *like* to feel all scrunched up when they're itty bitties). Add to that that their bones aren't all that hard yet. They are nearly impossible to break, even if you're just using minimal common sense. 2) by the time they're strong enough to wiggle away, you're MUCH more comfortable with handling them, and can wrestle them down on the changing table, or you just pin them down on the floor.
I think about this allllll the time, too. I don't know if I can handle trying and trying and trying and not get pregnant. I'm pretty sure that would break me.
Im sorry that things haven't been easier for you. :-( I admire your strength though.
yes, adam's changing table / dresser quickly became just a dresser. I moved the pad thingy to the end of the twin bed in the nursery. There it stayed for ...I guess it's been over 4 yrs now...