Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
You got words of wisdom? Come on in. (Long, sorry)
How would you handle this? I?ll try to be brief to avoid confusion, but no promises.
My friend ?Jane? has started seeing this guy, ?John.? Over the course of 8 months, I have met him twice. Once briefly with very little conversation, and once at my engagement party about a month ago. The relationship was kept hidden from our circle of friends for a long time because?.he?s still frickin married. At my engagement party, towards the end of the night, he clearly had too much to drink and started telling me things (sexually) that I definitely didn?t need or want to know about Jane. And he tried to massage my back, right in front of her AND my fianc?. Obviously I pulled away. Fast forward to last night where the following text were sent to me, from him:
1) Hey baby, what?s up? It?s your favorite soon to be brother in law. (Not sure what he was thinking, Jane and I are not sisters.)
2) Yes, the one that is super hot with the huge c o c k.
3) Jane?s boyfriend.
4) Sorry. We r a lil tipsy.
I get these, and I text Jane (who obviously gave him my phone number because how else would he get it?!) to make sure this was him. She says it is, wants to know what he was saying. I told her I?d tell her later, I was busy with my mom at the moment. After that, John proceeds to send me yet one more text, that says
5)I?m sorry. Didn?t know u were with your mom. Maybe late tonight baby girl.
This exchange happens in about 3 minutes, real time.
I am totally f?ing skeeved out. Jane is not normally like this, but since she?s been seeing this guy, she has totally changed. Constantly drinking, acting immaturely, wearing clothes that HE thinks she should wear (short dresses/skirts, etc). Jane has been a really good and loyal friend to me, and I?m not sure what is going on here. I sent her a text just a bit ago and said, ?So?about last night?.? hoping she?d apologize or something but I?ve heard nothing back yet. My fianc? is obviously a little miffed.
Facts about John:
-He?s married, 4 kids. Claims to be separating from his wife, no action on that yet.
-He showers Jane with gifts, my guess is to buy time so she?ll wait around and he can have a side piece of asss.
-Jane?s sister doesn?t like him, and another one of our close friends doesn?t like him. They are both pretty good judges of character so I trust them.
-At my engagement party, he said, out loud in front of others, that the cake ?tasted like shhiit?.
I value Jane?s friendship, a lot, but if this is how things are going down, I want no part of this. I?m not mad, necessarily. The texts as an isolated incident aren?t?horrible, but that coupled with everything else is just?.ick. What do I do here? I am supposed to see Jane on Friday for a girl?s night.
Re: You got words of wisdom? Come on in. (Long, sorry)
TELL JANE EVERYTHING. And then block the sh!t out of this guy.
Updated September 2012.
I would tell her that he's skeevy - lay it all out - she's dating a married man with no intentions of leaving his wife (or he would have before getting involved with her) with FOUR KIDS who she is helping him hurt, and who is stepping out on her.
If he's so blatant as this with one of her best friends - what is he like with people she doesn't know?
And also, tell her to protect herself from any diseases he has, and that you're not going to be around when he is because he's a sleezeball.
I did not tell her yet. My guess is she knows, by this point, from looking at his phone. They were right next to each other when this went down. I'm willing to bet she knows.
Even without the additional facts about John, I'd be skeeved and pissed.
I'd talk to Jane when I saw her and tell her to keep the creep away from me. Also since we have been friends for so long, I'd have no problem telling her that she should not be with said creep.
I need to say this, all of this, you're 1,000% right. I'm hoping she will not be upset, but if she is, too damn bad. I'm uncomfortable and that's what matters. Period.
I think Jane knew what he texted, honestly. It was over the top and tittilating to them both. I'm picking up that he is a major exhibitionist and Jane is feeding into the frenzy of that.
If you have a real heart to heart with Jane, I'd fear at this point she's under his spell, if you will, and won't hear you.
Distance yourself a bit until she's out of this stage if you want to remain friends and don't engage with him at all.
If she knew, expect this to continue.
I'm guessing that means that you will not want to be around her anyway. So what is there to lose, really?
Me, her sister, and another friend have all told her that this is so, so wrong. She's only going to get hurt in the end. She's completely blind to the fact that he is clearly not leaving his wife for her.
I want to be there for her to pick up the pieces when the shizz hits the fan, it will, and because I care about her, but I can't be around her when he's around.
Oh! And she has a son also. So there are FIVE kids involved here. 5 kids getting hurt. (she's divorced).
Yeah you have to put it all out there. This is one time where you just have to risk the friendship, hope that you'll get through somehow and that eventually she'll come around.
And if she does nothing, at least YOU know that you said your piece and did what you could.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
1. Show your friend the text messages
2. Ignore future texts from her fuckface boyfriend.
3. Slap friend on the back of the head and ask her why she's involved with the aforementioned fuckface.
I just talked to another mutual friend about 5 minutes ago, and apparently they have done this to her, too. So my guess is Jane knows exactly what was said.
Like I said - the texts, as an isolated incident are no big deal. Gross, but not worth losing the friendship over. But everything else coupled with this latest thing is just too much for me.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Plus the cake was good! lol
I would laid it all out for Jane, include everything, make a list if you have to.
Be aware that inspite of how a$$shole-ish this guy is, she may stay with him. Tell him you will still be her friend no matter what, but that you don't want to have any contact with him.
I think John has talked Jane into a threesome and they're trying to recruit you.
Uhm eww.
Click me, click me!
Tons of good advice here guys, so thanks.
I knew deep down, before even posting here that I need to talk to her about this stuff.
I think I just wanted some validation that I wasn't overreacting to some stupid drunk texts. But, it's so much more than that and I definitely see it now.
Forget-Me-Nots: Alaska State Flower
Sadly I wouldn't doubt this. LOL
Well not only that, but she clearly either gave him my number, or let him look for it through her phone.
Either way...not cool.
Also, this girl is dickmatized. I get the feeling you'll have to drop her.
Click me, click me!
I would let her know that: that giving out your number not cool. And then let the friendship go. Not necessarily let it go for good, but for as long as dickforbrains is in the picture.
This guy sounds like the icky ex-bf I had before I dated DH. He thought that kind of *** was funny: contacting women he knew (or had just met) and saying stupid stuff. I can't believe I tolerated his behavior for as long as I did.
Forget-Me-Nots: Alaska State Flower
AND! Kinda like the old saying, if he's cheating on his wife with Jane, he's probably going to cheat on Jane too.
The whole situation is frustrating and I'm sad at the possible loss of a friendship, but I have NO room in my life for this crap.
Quit 'guessing' if she's seen this or not. Forward these to her. Block him completely. And don't go near him again. He's cheating on his wife with your friend and he'd like to cheat on your friend with you. Stop this dead in the water.