Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My friend told me last night that she wants to date my ex husband
And I have to admit, I don't love it. I also don't feel like I can say anything about it, since he's my ex, and this isn't really my business.
He and I are close, still. We're not pining away or anything weird. We're legitimately good friends. He's extra supportive of my relationship and he loves my boyfriend. In that same spirit, I want him to be happy and have a girlfriend and all that good stuff. I would just prefer maybe not with someone I've been friends with for a few years.
It sucks too, because I do like this girl, and she's been hung up on an old boyfriend for YEARS, and I've been trying to get her to stop wallowing and realize she's better than that and needs to move on. She met my ex a few weeks ago when a whole group of us were out, and I guess they've hung out a few times since. Last night she told me she could see herself in a relationship with him and asked how I felt about it. I told her it that I certainly wasn't going to stand in the way of anything.
Am I off-base for feeling a little yucky about it? I've pretty much always operated under the rule that exes of good friends are off-limits (unless we're talking a blip of a relationship, or something).
Also, I don't know if this matters. But ex told me that he likes this girl's company, but he's not interested in dating her. He is, however, interested in getting laid. So, that's another complication. He's thinking friends with benefits, she is thinking boyfriend. And I have a weird feeling that I'm going to get stuck in the middle, no matter how much I try to stay out of it.
Sigh. This is irritating.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Re: My friend told me last night that she wants to date my ex husband
no. independent of that fact that you all were married and stuff, you know that she's unstable a bit in relationships and that they have totally different ideas.
plus there's the whole worlds colliding thing.
you handled it maturely. going forward, i say tell them both that you will not be their go between and wash your hands of this relationship as much as you can.
I'd feel yucky.
Honestly, if anything, I think I'd be saying something to him. He knows you, I assume he'd know where you're coming from. I'd just tell him that you aren't going to stand in the way - BUT this girl is looking for a boyfriend and you're afraid that if they hook up, it's going to put you in an awkward position and that it may also affect your friendship w/ her (assuming that he and her don't actually become serious).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ewww, that would not be cool with me either. It's not like it's been 10 years or something... I don't know it feels like the body is barely cold.
Maybe I am a prude, but I can't be all 90201 about these things where everyone seems to date everyone in the group. It's just weird.
Perhaps I would be totally honest with her and tell her "listen, his interest is in finding a f*ck buddy, not a girlfriend."
My best friend is dating my ex. It's been terrible to watch. He's an ass to her, and she's miserable. From the beginning, I've told her that I love her, and I'm here for her no matter what, and I'll support her choices because I love her.
There's still a small disconnect with us- because I know that there has been some stupid petty crap said- by him, by her, by his family. The night I got married, they ended up in a huge fight because he texted her all during the day and night to tell her that she should be supporting him in his time of need (I guess me getting married was tough on him) and not celebrating my wedding.
I really, really, really wish I had just said "I think this is a bad idea and you can do so much better." It would have probably gotten messy, but maybe she could have dodged a buller.
Kuus put this better than I could. Dating your friends ex-husband never okay.
NEV-ah ! ! !
Yes.... that would be weird.
And seeing how your ex feels vs. how your friend feels, none of that is going to end well.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
Kuus is spot on. You don't date friends' exes.
Seriously this - what the heck?
There's only her old boyfriend and your ex-husband out there? She obviously needs to put herself in more situations to attract like minded men.
lol at "she's kind of weird and stupid, but at least she's respectful"
The weird thing is, there have been a few people in recent months who have expressed interest in her, and she poo-pooed them all.
I get it. My ex is great. He's smart and fun and good-looking and nice. But, FFS. THIS is the guy she's deciding she could be with?
It rubs me the wrong way.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Umm, it would never occur to me to date a friend's ex, much less ex-H.
You handled it really well, but man, that's weird.
Why does she even hang out with him enough to know she could see herself in a relationship with him?
I'm divorced and honestly I'd be extremely hurt if one of my friends wanted to date my ex.
I mean sure they are adults and can do whatever they want, but I wouldn't look at her the same way and I would be unable to continue the friendship in any meaningful way.
We're kind of going out.
I'd ask her why she wants my sloppy seconds.
You don't have sex with/date people that your best friend has had sex with/dated. That's weird.
So, she didn't know him until recently? You know, I would have taken this into consideration, but since he's expressed interest in her as FWB, but you know otherwise, I think you should talk to him as Sonrisa suggested. put it in his court to decide what he wants and spare you awkwardness.
She didn't get the hint from your sullen "I'm not going to stand in the way of anything"? She's an idiot.
I'd talk to the ex and tell him to set her sh!t straight, and quick. Bonus: If you tell him she's looking for a supah awesome RELATIONSHIP, y'all, he'll probably run screaming and then none of this will be an issue anymore.
Updated September 2012.
Yeah, I think I'm going to talk to him. Once. And hope this doesn't get much more complicated.
While I do give her credit for approaching me, she waited until they'd been out about four times, and then waited until she'd knocked back her third beer last night before talking to me about it. And then I got to hear about how awesome my siamese cat (who I miss like crazy) is.
She doesn't need my permission. I know that. But I'd have probably felt better about everything if she'd mentioned something earlier. I'm also a little annoyed with him. I'm his friend, not his matchmaker. I understand that he's less social than I am, but I think it would be healthier for everyone if he went out and found women on his own.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I'm thinking this is how it's going to end up, regardless of the outcome.
I'm trying to be a grown-up, and not to be petty and resentful. But I've spent a LOT of time with this girl over the past year or so, trying to help her through a rough time. I've introduced her to awesome people. I've taken her shopping. I've arranged for one of my very talented photographer friends to do a shoot with her, to boost her self-esteem and show her how pretty she really is. I've encouraged her to join different groups, and I've come out to support her in performances. Not to mention the countless hours I've spent talking with her and trying to help her realize her self-worth.
So, yeah. I'm glad she's feeling pretty and confident and sassy. I was happy to help with that. I think this is a kind of crappy way to say thanks and put it all to use.
I'm realizing I'm even less comfortable with this -- and with her -- than I thought when I started this post.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
yeah - you need to be honest first, then stay out of it and let them choose what to do.
This would piss me off so much.
I lost a good (guy) friend this way. The crap went down and I was literally forced to choose sides.
This just went straight to "single white female" in my head.
It's creepy Zelda. In a "I want to be just like you" kind of way.
*shudder*
oooh. this is a tricky situation. yeah, yuck!
I don't even know where i'd start? I guess I'd try to let her know that you know he's just looking for tail right now. But... htf do you do that???? idk. sorry!!!
Exactly. Plus, they both MADE it your business by talking to you about it.
I wouldn't love this either. I'm all for amicable breakups, but I'd be skeeved out at the idea of banging my best friend's ex husband, and wouldn't be happy if my best friend banged MY ex husband either.
Nor would I be interested in discussing it with either of them. It's a free world, and they can do what they want, but her feeling you out about whether or not it's 'ok' is kind of sucky.