Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
This is crazy right?
This will be a long post.
My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half-ish years and have one daughter and a baby boy on his way. He is a surprise baby and I feel horrible about getting pregnant because I know the state of our marriage. We both work full-time and my mom watches our daughter (FOR FREE...ahem) and will do the same with baby 2. He takes advantage of this and often goes home and plays video games after work before going to pick her up? and just assumes that she will be able to do this forever.
I pay the bills, do most of the house work, feed and put our daughter to bed every night and he still has the nerve to ask me to rub his shoulders or feet and literally gets angry if I say no. We rarely have sex (I?m 24 weeks pregnant and have NO sex drive) and if we do? I can?t wait for it to be over. Again, if I refuse he gets angry and won?t speak to me.
We have A LOT of debt. We met at college (a private school) and both have student loans, one car loan, and I have credit card debt from a horrible semester in grad school. He is a teacher and I don?t a make a whole lot either but we get buy? usually. The summers are always difficult because my paycheck definitely does not cover our expenses by itself and he makes no money. He finally decided that he was going to work this summer (Duh?) and has a part time job and a few tutoring things on the side which probably won?t make up what we need. A few people have offered him some side jobs (roofing etc) and so the other night he said? ?SO I think that with the extra money that I make with the little jobs I?m going to buy a paddle board (about $1000)? I, of course, looked at him like he was insane and he immediately got pissed. He said ? I don?t get it, I get all these jobs and you just expect me to not spend any money on what I want? I have tried to explain to him time and time again that we BARELY get by on what we make normally, let alone without his regular income and I was just done. So I just kept washing dishes. (Did I mention that I had worked all day, made dinner, fed our daughter, and was now CLEANING UP?) SO he started stamping around, slamming things, yelling at me about giving him the silent treatment. I said ?I don?t know what else to say? its not extra money? there is no extra money.. EVER!? And he countered with the same old ?its ?my? money.? And so I (being completely fed up) said ?FINE. You spend ?your? money on whatever you want and I?ll trying to figure out how to keep a roof over our heads and keep our daughter fed? He of course stormed off and slammed some more stuff around for another 30 minutes. We haven?t really resolved this fight and it has been an awkward couple of days.
I don?t feel loved or cared for. I am constantly exhausted and worried about money..babies?etc and hes worried about fing paddle boards? It seems like every fight I?m just closer to picking up our child and walking out the door.
Help.
Re: This is crazy right?
I am calling BS!
Teacher salaries are based on 12 months NOT just the "school year"......
But in case this IS real;
First, you need to sit down and let hubby know you feel like you have more than you can handle and need more help around the house.
Second, when was the last time DH bought something like that for himself? You don't mention anywhere that he is constantly buying stuff...just that he wants to buy this one thing....
Obviously it might not be a good time and he did NOT handle it properly BUT I understand his frustration if he never has any "mad money" ....anyone would feel like this if they constantly worked with no fun reward.
**Also, are you not on BC? How did you "accidentally" get preggers?
Seems like you need to sit down and actually discuss with him the situation. He is probably stressed because things are already tight and now there is another mouth on the way AND he can't even do anything fun.
Have you even addressed any of your issues with him?
Slow down there. I live in NC and they get paid 10 months out of the year. You can opt for 12 month pay through our bank but he won't do it.
He buys crap all of the time. CD's, dvds, clothes... going out to eat. I don't really care if he doesn't have money to play with because neither do I. I do ask him to help and he either does one thing and acts like he deserves a medal or says he will do it later.. and doesn't.
Even if he only gets 10 actual paychecks his salary is still based on 12 months- you don't suddenly get paid less than someone doing the 12 payments!
The idea behind the 10 payments is you get more per check and can budget ahead for the summer.....sounds like perhaps you are not accounting the extra money that needs to be put aside for summer.
Funny how you didn't put any of the new "problems" in your original post.....
I am still calling MUD
Seriously. What is your problem? He salary is what it is and he DOESN'T GET A PAYCHECK over the summer. I can budget until I'm blue in the face but that doesn't mean he is going to follow it. If you don't have anything constructive to say please don't respond.
Dont listen to wifey, now that the regulars are gone she wants to be the resident ballbuster.
I can only recommend a frank discussion about what your expectations are and what the consequences will be if they aren't met. To me, a husband should be a man - strong, reliable, responsible, etc... he sounds like a little boy. If he hasn't already, he may need to hear that. You two are supposed to be partners and if he can't be a partner to you... well that's up to you.
Well I also suggested in my original post that you sit down and talk with him about feeling overwhelmed and sharing more duties!
As for DH's paycheck- how about figuring out how much 2 months paychecks would total and then splitting that amount evenly between his 10 actual payments and putting that extra into a separate account that you only touch in the summer...that way you still "have" those checks in the summer?
Also, find out from your heating oil/electic/gas/water companies about setting up 12-month payment plans to spread bills out more evenly.
I.e we have a year long plan for our heating oil so we *know and budget* for (x) amount each month and don't get screwed by having a $500 oil bill every two months in the winter.
Again though, this all comes back to treating the 10 months paychecks like the full 12 month salary it is.......
So wifey seems to be stuck on the # of paychecks thing, so lets move on from a topic that does seem to matter. Sounds to me like your H is stuck in some alternate universe where he doesn't have any responsbility. I do however agree with him that EVERYONE needs a little spending money for themselves from time to time. By that I mean, if you can afford it. If not, buy yourself an icecream cone and call yourself happy! He has RESPONSIBILITIES just like yourself. I understand the whole teacher/salary thing. My mom also works for a school district and used to get paid on the 10 month sequence. She also took part time jobs during the summer to help supplement the income while she was out of school for a couple of months. Sorry, but that is the real world.
You need to have a very serious conversation with him about all your feelings and make sure he is heard just as much as you are heard. Therapy would be a good place for the two of you. On the other end of the spectrum....figure out if you still want this marriage. Your signals are coming through on this post as you have taken yourself out of your marriage. If I'm incorrect, it isn't coming off that way.
I hope you both figure out what you want and need in your relationship. You have two beautiful children that need the two of you to figure this out, one way or the other. BOL
I agree with this... you both have an obligation to try and work on this for the sake of your children. I dont think you should just throw in the towel because he's being a jackass. While I do agree that people should have their own spending money for little luxuries, it you don't have it, that sucks - but that's life. Based on what you've written he seems like he might not get the reality of your financial situation. If an open and honest discussion (without the hissy fits) can't get the ball rolling on fixing this then maybe therapy would do you guys some good.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you seek counseling.
FWIW sometimes adults don't get fun money because there isn't any extra money there to spend on whatever you want. H and I didn't have any fn money for the first six months of our marriage because I was unemployed and we were scraping by on his salary. Now that we do have fun money it's $50/month. It was $25/month until this past January when H got a raise.
Also, if your H doesn't grow up soon and stop acting like an a$$hole, really think about what you want out of life and what you need to do to get it. Everyone derserves some happiness in life.
You and he have a sh!tload of problems.
Where to start:
YOU are footing every single household bill --- and he is NOT contributing???
He has a job. You have a job. Therefore his money and your money == OUR MONEY.
I would NOT stand for this if I were you -- any guy who more or less lives off his wife and does nothing to contribute to the household expenses is no man at all.
Second off, he is very immature -- a teacher??? this putz acts like a kid himself!
And you and he have a boatload of debt yet he is doing nothing to cut expenses.
You do not buy what you cannot afford.
And he can go teach summer school during the summer, bartend, work in retail --- there's many many things he can do.
I don't think counselfing would help. This guy has no character --- and a counselor cannot fix that.
No character?
If you live off your wife, you have no character.
I also don't like his attitude toward sex -- you're not a blow up doll or some mechanical contraction that he can just jump on and do it to.
I also don't like the "Well it's my money."
What do YOU want to do???
YOU do what is right for you and the kiddoes -- and if that means filing, do it.
If you decide to file, it is imperative you see an attorney first. It has to do with the debt, what you both own and the fact that 2 kids are involved. At the very least it's a debt issue and a child visitation/support issue.
It doesn't sound like there is anything here to save.
you could sit him down and let him know point blank that this marriage is over unless he starts acting like a man, a husband and a responsible adult.... and see if he listens. Not likely.
Do what is right for you and the kids. Keep us posted. Good luck.
I would advise marriage counselling so that the two of you can work out the issues. Communication is key and it doesnt seem like the two of you have that. Perhaps the counsellor can help you with that. Also, the two of you should be discussing the budget together. He needs to be involved in seeing where the money goes and how it's spent. And he really needs to learn that it's not 'his' money or 'your' money. It's 'our' money.
How is a counselor going to get him to grow up and how is a counselor going to infuse character into this creep?
Not going to happen.
I vote she cuts her losses and goes and gtfo of there asap.
I agree that I would leave this marriage. Since you're not at that point yet I would definitely sit him down and explain why you feel stressed over the money. Lay out the finances for him and ask him to help you figure out a solution. Don't accuse, but make him see and understand the issue. Same with the kids and household chores. Explain to him what you're doing on a daily basis and that you feel overwhelmed, ask if he can help find a solution. Ask him what things he would feel comfortable or willing to pitch in with.
I agree with tarpon that he sounds very lazy, immature and selfish. I think the best way to make him change is to lay out the issues and ask him to problem solve rather than pointing fingers and blaming. It does sound to some degree like you swoop in and handle everything, probably because he has proved he won't, but you're going to have to ask for help and give him a chance to come through. If you act like his mom he will resent you and if he continues to do nothing you will resent him.
And wifey is on crack. If you cant afford to spread his income over 12 months (my mom was a teacher and they opted for this) then don't do it. In those circumstances he should be working during the summer just to catch you up. Hell, he should be working a second job during the year if you're that in debt!
Maybe I am on crack...but you know what I think is really WHACK?
That this family cannot afford to support themselves on TWO full-time incomes with FREE child-care!
And since 3/4 of her post is about money-issues it would seem that is the main issue they need to work on!
Maybe I am on crack...but you know what I think is really WHACK?
That this family cannot afford to support themselves on TWO full-time incomes with FREE child-care!
And since 3/4 of her post is about money-issues it would seem that is the main issue they need to work on!
There is such a thing as "the 2 income trap" --- google it --- but I do not think that applies here.
I am interested in knowing how this jawbreaking amount of debt occurred, outside of the education-related part of it.
One start making him pay your Mom for childcare, then he will see where money goes. Better yet tell your Mom to drop his daughter off when she knows he gets home from work. Make him take over the bill and let him worry how to make ends meet.
The man is going to need a paddle board for the sh!t creek he is going to be up. Stop doing his housework. If he is one of those guys who needs to be told what to do then tell him. Too bad a grown man who teaches cannot see that he is an ass.I don't see where he has any redeeming qualities.
Maybe MoneyMatters can help you with a budget. A therapist for yourself since I don't think one can perform miracles with him, better to work on getting yourself stronger.
Wifey: you are not helpful, not mention kinda dumb.
OP: seriously, from what you have posted, I don't know why you stay with this man. What does he contribute to your life, to your family?
I don't even know if I'd give him an ultimatum. You are living like a single parent with a toddler, an overgrown teenager (your H) and a babe on the way. Show the overgrown teenager the door, get a lawyer (you will receive child support) and carry on.
Everything will be better without him. You will be happier. You will have more money. Your kids will see a good role model every day.
I used to go through this with my XH. He had to ask for permission and I was put in a position that I had to say "no." It was one of our biggest problems and probably lead to our divorce.
DH and I have our "own" bills. We split them based on our incomes. I'm in charge of my bills (boys clothes, food, propane, household things, portion of mortgage); DH pays for his (oil, larger portion of mortgage, electricity, cable). This way we can "budget" our bills accordingly. I want to save more money so I shop sales and coupons. DH wants to have HBO; I think its wasteful but its his portion and he can allot how he chooses. It makes us each responsible for our own decisions.
Great example: DH wants me to get a SUV. I don't want to spend money on it. He pushed and pushed until I asked if he was going to help with the payment (car payment is mine). Nope and therefore no SUV. And no arguing about it.
Another example: BIL stayed with us for 10 weeks two years ago. Then he tried to have his family stay with us for several of these weeks. Amongst MANY issues with this, they were eating all the food that I was paying for. I told DH its great that he can play host when I am funding everything. If they were going to stay with us for an extended period, then someone was going to pay me (DH, BIL, SIL, someone). Hm... they all went home.
My suggestion: List out your monthly bills, then based on your incomes (just your DH's teacher salary), pick the bills -- ideally add in money towards an emergency fund. If your DH can find ways to save money or make more money, then its his to do as he choses.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
Maybe he is irresponsible, because he never got to see actually see what she was dealing with regarding bills. He probably is just a jerk, but he should be made to be responsible. This guy isn't paying any bills critical or otherwise. He has gotten a free pass on too many things.
She can't just say "you pay these," because if he doesn't, it could hurt her credit score or get her electricity turned off or make her homeless. He needs to be taught responsibility BEFORE he is trusted with critical financial matters.
I agree that this probably won't work for OP as her husband isn't responsible enough to trust to pay the bills.
DH and I put our money together and the bills come out of that, if we did it the way that you suggested there would be way more arguments.
If Dh wants an SUV, and he can afford the SUV then he should go for it. But for you to pay all the 'car payments' and tell him he can't buy a new vehicle as he won't be paying for the vehicle is weird!
The car in question was my car. He can buy whatever he wants. *I* do not want to spend the additional money on an SUV.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
Sometimes I'm not really sure. I'm 24.
Wow. Thank you for the replies everyone. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions.
I'm not ready to throw everything away just yet. I really want to be able to work through it for our children... and for myself. We are a young couple (24 &25) and made the decision to get married without thinking a whole lot about it.
I agree that therapy might be a good place to start but its very likely that I would get a lot out of it and he would not.
I need to clear up that I'm not using only my money to pay the bills. Our paychecks go into the same account. I just meant that I'm the person who is taking the responsibility of that particular chore... like most of them. I do understand that he should be able to have spending money... but there is a big difference between spending money and throwing money into a piece of crap he will use twice a year.
Our debt is student loans and a car loan. Like I said, we both attended a private school (terrible idea) and I still haven't been able to find a job that has anything to do with my degree.
Again, thanks for the replies. I haven't really been able to talk to him yet... I have a great fear of confrontation... but will update you guys soon.
I get that you're not looking to leave him right now and that you want to work on it. Good for you, give it a good shot, but if it doesn't work out I hope that you'll look for an exit when you're ready.
My eyebrows are raised that you are a two full time income family with free childcare but can't make ends meet easily at the end of the month. If you post your budget on the money matters board the girls there can be really helpful and creative with financial matters, and that may help. As for your car loan, is it a possibility to sell it, pay off the loan and buy something cheap to carry you through until you are in a better position?
As to him wanting to buy the paddle board, I can kind of understand that. I don't totally agree with it, but I can see him feeling like he is doing all of this extra "work" and not getting to do anything rewarding with the money he is earning. He sees working in the summer as optional or "extra" and wants to do something fun with that. Maybe talk to him, and agree that if he brings in X amount over the summer to the household income he can use whatever additional amount he earns as personal fun money? I would hope that his additional earnings would either go to your household account or toward a treat for the family, but it sounds like he needs to spend something on himself. He's 25, and is feeling like he can't do things or spend his money like other 25 year olds do, so I can see where this is coming from.
The biggest problem you two seem to have is communication and how you speak to each other / don't speak to each other. Nobody responds well to a silent treatment, neither do they respond well to stomping around and yelling. We had to work on our communication, and it improved as we got older. When we were young, in our early 20's, and fought - DH (then boyfriend) would leave the house and drive off. Drove me absolutely farking nuts. I'd give him the silent treatment, which drove him up the wall as well. We've gotten much better at communicating (age helped) and now we tend to just talk about things calmly and just... talk. If we're really upset we have a code word (LOL!) - Fortune Cookie - which means that I love you, we're fine, I just need some space, and then we talk about it later when we've both settled down. That way when we're fighting we both feel secure but are afforded the time to calm down enough to talk about things rationally, after we've both huffed and puffed on our own for a bit.
You don't need to get into a big confrontation with him, just sit down and talk to him. He's your husband for cripes sake, you should be able to talk to him. If he's not helping around the house, tell him that you feel that you are having to take care of too much around the house and need him to be more involved. He may not see it like you do. My husband takes out the rubbish without me having to point it out, but he'll walk right over a dirty sock in the hallway a dozen times and not bother to pick it up. He's cool with leaving dirty dishes on the counter overnight, I'm not, etc. What helped us was to get into a routine each night. I come home from work and usually cook dinner while he's got the kids off doing something. We eat dinner together, chill out with the kids and then put them to bed - I do the bedtime routine with them (bath, jammies, teeth, story) while he makes their milk and then brings it up, the kids go to sleep and then we spend 20 minutes tidying the living room and kitchen together (or each a room) - this is when the rubbish is taken out, the dishes done, the vacuming done, the laundry put in, the bills paid...) and then we do whatever. It took awhile for us to get into this routine, but it works very well for us. Beforehand I felt like I was doing everything, but now that the expectation is there that look, we put in 20 min of housework together once the kids go down, the household runs much more smoothly, we don't fight about chores and everything gets done without one of us feeling like we're stuck doing everything on our own.
Sorry for the novel. I think you've got some serious issues on your hands, but I think that with a bit of work they may be able to be turned around. And if not, well, you gave it a fair try. Good luck.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Wow. Aren't you annoying!