Married Life
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Post-nuptial blues?
This blog has helped me so much! I was feeling completely crazy for how I felt after getting married.
I got married on july 7, to my fiance whom I dated for 1 1/2 years. We lived together for most of that time. We are waiting to go on our honeymoon until mid september.
Our wedding went pretty smoothly, there were a couple bumps, but overall it was perfect. However after the wedding all I could to was analyze everything that happened. I kept remembering all the negative from the day. How my hair took an hour longer than it was suppose to, and how my sister and i fought the whole way to the church, or how one of his groomsmen wasn't on the bus for pictures like he was suppose to be, and so on and so forth. I had a hard time remembering how perfect and meaningful the ceremony was, and how beautiful the reception was. I hated how I felt, yet every single day for the month after the wedding I woke up thinking about the negative aspects from the wedding.
The first two weeks after the wedding my husband and I were both off our game. First week he was acting strange and stand offish, second week I didn't want anything to do with him and I became really sad and started to question the wedding.
We recently sat down and I had a break down and told him everything I have been feeling about the wedding and relationship. He agreed that we needed to get over the wedding and go back to being the happy positive couple we were before it. He was completely understanding because he had felt the same way about our uneasy feelings after the wedding. Just talking about it and voicing everything I felt about it has really helped me get over those feelings. It's only been a week but I haven't thought negatively about the wedding since.
I wish someone would have told me about this before I got married. It is not how the movies make it out to be and having it be your wedding is so much different than attending a wedding. I am now to the point where I am just happy to move on with my husband and live a long happy life together.
I have had the same feelings. I don't want to leave my marraige but I thought the honeymoon bliss would last longer. I find we're a little more cranky with one another and I am frustrated with my new hubby and feel lonely.
We've talked about our feelings and I don't feel lonely anymore but I am still frustrated with him. I wonder if it's just too much pressure for the after marriage too. You're suppose to be happy and bubbly but that's not realistic or sustaniable. That is what the honeymoon is about.
It's nice to know that other women feel an emotional down soon after the wedding. It makes me feel normal and not so worried. I don't want to over analize my thoughts or feelings so knowing this is somewhat common helps. Thanks
This sounds so familiar to how I feel...I got married on May 19th 2012. We didn't go on our honeymoon but for a month after the wedding was total bliss. Then reality sets in. It is normal to feel annoyed by your partner because you spend a large amount of time with them.
My husband and I tell each other one nice thing before we go to bed at night just to show we appreciate the other person. Even when times are tough and I don't want to say anything nice I do it because it helps. Also we have a date night once a week and it can be as simple as netflix on the couch. As long as you are making quality time with your husband. More importantly have separate activities from your husband. If he is being too needy emphasize how important quality alone time is. Communication! Tell your husband how you are feeling even if it is difficult, it will help just to talk about it.
I am going through name change "hell" also. I have no problem taking his name but the process is so annoying. You can opt not to change your name and make it a lot easier on yourself.
Marriage is not all rainbows and sunshine, It sounds as though you are coming down for the wedding "high". Marriage is a major commitment and the thought of being with one person for the rest of your life, can make anyone feel a bit conflicted. If you found the right person you will put forth the hard work for the sake of your marriage. Once you come to terms with this I think everything will sort itself out.
I hope this helps. I am glad I'm not the only one (:
I definitely felt that way. We were married in Cancun on May 26th. Our wedding was literally a 3 week extravaganza, between family & friends traveling to Mexico and so much family in town for the home reception the weekend after we returned.
My husband and I were both in that kind of funk after the dust settled. Maybe 2 weeks after the reception, I was so depressed everything was over. A year of planning for both of us (I was lucky he was so heavily involved) and poof, it was over. I liken it to postpartum depression. All of a sudden you aren't the bride and groom anymore, people aren't constantly toasting you. It's all over.
Now people call us Newlyweds? We were together for 5 years, living together for 4, before we got married, and I knew him for 15 years, lol, there is nothing new about our relationship.
I went through at least a month of living petrified he was going to tell me he wanted a divorce because I was so horrible to him. Cranky and critical and God bless him, he bent over backwards to help me and make me happy, lol. He would ASK me for a honey-do list every day. I really did marry a keeper.
Honestly, not sure when it went subsided. We actually talked about it last night, how it was gone and how happy we were things were back to they way we like them (5 years together and we still leave love notes and text each other throughout the day). It does pass, just be patient and try to get back to your normal routine, and talk to him about it honestly. He is probably feeling the tension too.
I completely understand what you are going through! I was thinking I was all alone! I think a lot of mine has to do with not seeing as many of my friends anymore from college when I had dreamed about how excited I was to spend this time with them and now it's over. I felt stuck with my husband in our new life, like I would never have fun again. I start to realize that I had to put it in perspective. I think about how all my stories are somewhat focused around my husband and that I really do love him more than anything. It's just kind of hard to realize you have to settle down even though you have actually been settled down for a while. We had lived together for 3 years prior to marriage and been together 4 and a half. It has nothing to do with name change, that just really is the icing on the cake. Best of luck to you
I know exactly what you're talking about... though I wish I didn't. Hubby and I are coming up on our 1-year at the end of this month. We don't even have our wedding album yet and already I'm wondering why it doesn't feel right. No cold feet before the wedding, and the day itself was beautiful (terrible weather, but beautiful anyway). My name change is done, and we're still trying to schedule a honeymoon. As background, he's been my best friend for 15 years. We had been dating a year and a half when he proposed, got married shortly before celebrating 3 years together.
Now, I find myself getting uncomfortable when friends say that the fact that we're together gives them hope for their own romantic futures, and I had a hard time congratulating my friend on his recent engagement, because I just wasn't feeling super enthusiastic about marriage as an idea. A lot of people are saying it's the calm after the storm of wedding planning, but I didn't start feeling this way until a good 8 or 9 months after the wedding. Hubby and I have already had some intense conversations about it, but they seemed to help him a lot more than they helped me...
Anyway, conversation can't possibly make it worse in the long run. It probably won't get better over night, but if you can't talk to your spouse about those feelings, who can you talk to?
I definitely think you are just getting used to your new situation. Like some of the girls mentioned, when you are engaged you have a lot of wedding-things going on and you sometimes don?t get enough time to relax and let things sink-in until after the honeymoon.
Think of this as your adaptation period. Like when you get a new job, you might feel overwhelmed at first until you get the hang of it.
Hope this helps.
Good luck!
The blues are totally common post-wedding. I was married a week before you, and I've been experiencing them myself. I was engaged for two years, and even though it was a lt of work and sometimes crazy stressful, it was my life for a significant chunk of our relationship. A part of me doesn't quite know how to not be in pre-wedding mode. Don't feel bad for having less-than-perfect feelings.
The important thing is to address those feelings. Don't let them build up, or your likely to cause yourself and your new husband lots of unnecessary pain. You mentioned not being sure why you got married in the first place. So if you haven't already, sit down with your husband and talk about what marriage means to you, what you expect to gain from being together as a unit as opposed to apart, and what kind of roles you expect to play for one another as you grow together. If you haven't had this kind of conversation before, you may find out things about each other that surprise you (good or bad), so try to go into it without judgement and listen to each other. Think about the vows you made on your wedding day and what they mean to you now and to your future.
As far as your cold feet goes, try to figure out what kind of cold feet you had. It is normal, but if it was the kind of overwhelming, "I AM TOTALLY MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE BUT I'M IN TOO DEEP TO BACK OUT NOW" kind, you may need to slow down and think for a bit. I was lucky enough to not have cold feet. Hubby and I lived together for 3 years before getting married, including a big move across country. We already had our life together set up, and had already endured a lot of the hard stuff married couples first encounter. But if you haven't been together for long, and especially if you haven't lived together for long/at all, this can be totally scary.
Lastly, if you are feeling uncomfortable about changing your name, don't do it yet. You have all the time in the world. If you think you want to do it, try slowly incorporating it into your life by simply going by Mrs. Hislastname socially until it feels comfortable and then make the switch. Maybe it never feels right, and that's totally cool, or you hyphenate or whatever. I've more or less committed to hyphenating, but have only "made it official" insofar as to change my name on Facebook. There is no right or wrong answer to the name, just do what feels right to you in whatever time you need.
Check out these great articles from Meg Keene of A Practical Wedding for more good stuff from smart ladies if you are still feeling bummed.
http://www.etsy.com/blog/weddings/the-newlywed-years/
http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/09/changing-name-marriage/
Good luck and congratulations!
Hi All,
My husband and I had similar issues as the ones described here, I guess these feelings are more common than what most would expect! Luckely for my husband and I, we were able to bite through this sour period and this only made our relationship stronger!
My husband used to be self centered, not paying enough attention to the things I need, and so on (I guess some of you know what I mean). It was only a couple of weeks after the wedding that I started to feel like I was sufficating, stressed, panicking,... was this guy the man I wanted to spend my life with?
I decided to talk to my husband and maybe even to tell him I was thinking of already leaving him. Eventually this conversation was so open and so enlightening for the both of us that we both decided to change our ways, both decided to be the best partner we could be for each other, and what a success! 8 years already and counting :-)
Mariage is a thing you both need to work at!
What stunned and saddened me a bit were comments about how some young brides, think their eyes are now only getting opened! Why would this only happen now, didn't you have a good time before? Make a good memories list! Don't listen to negativism comming from people who don't care about you.
I've experienced jealousy from other people about our relationship first hand, some people can just not accept if you are happy. They'll try to make you believe anything to break your happiness! If I got a cent for every guy who told me he would do things better for me, better than my husband, I would be a rich woman!Talk to your husband, shout at your husband, but don't listen to people who might nog have best intentions with you!
Ow hey, my first post here! nice to be a part of this!