Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Just needing to rant...
I love my husband, but my parents moved a few weeks ago to FL and I miss them. A lot. I cry a lot. I think between everything going on in my life I'm depressed, and not like oh I hate my life depressed, but I can barely force myself out of bed, or to eat, or do anything depressed. I'm usually a bubbly happy person and I can't seem to want to do anything. I resent my friends for never being available, and normally I understand they have lives. I don't want my husband to see anyone, even though I don't really want to see him either. I don't want to spend time with my dogs which is unusual because usually I don't want to be away from them. I really think I'm depressed and my parents moving set off some internal battle. I fought depression when I was younger and I worked through my issues and now I feel like this is so much worse. Because everything from my past is coming up, I start missing my mom, then my animals that have passed away, then my grandparents. I start thinking of how my life isn't what it should be. Then I start thinking I made the wrong choice marrying my husband because otherwise I'd be in FL with my mom and dad. I start thinking about how much money we didn't have and we wasted on a wedding that will probably fall apart because we have different views on things, ie. he thinks hanging out with a female friend who recently seperated from her husband without me is ok, and that spending multiple nights away at single guy friends houses is ok. I think I made a mistake in getting married, and moving out of my parents house, and in everything. Maybe I was meant to be with someone else. Someone who shared my views and wanted children, not that I can probably have any but still. Sorry about how long this is, I don't even need to post because I don't want/need feedback, but I just needed to rant a little, maybe I can feel better once I say all that outloud(ish). Thanks for reading, normally I could call my best friend but she's always unavailable.
Re: Just needing to rant...
First, how old are you? I only ask because you could be going some significant hormone changes, even in your early and mid-20's as your brain continues to mature. A lot of stress could be building up because of so many changes at once.
Also, did you ever live by yourself before you got married? You mentioned still wanting to live with your parents? To me, that screams that you are still really young. Regardless, living with a new person or outside your parents home can be a huge change for some people and it takes a while to adjust.
How long were you with your husband before you got married? Also, do you two communicate on a regular basis. Because you mentioned something about marrying someone with "similar views." How different are they? Are they really deal breakers? Perhaps this should have been discussed more before getting married, but anyway, you did....so now you need to talk through it.
Lastly, him hanging out wiht another woman alone or staying at other people's houses is not cool or what a married man should be doing. YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.
I agree.
See a social worker or a therapist and bounce what you are feeling off that person. Perhaps a PP is right: your hormones may be in flux; consider too that you are at a new stage in your life and it can be very overwhemling and at times very difficult to cope with. We are not superpeople.
This is not cool and this is not right and you have every right to be upset about this;
I start thinking about how much money we didn't have and we wasted on a wedding that will probably fall apart because we have different views on things, ie. he thinks hanging out with a female friend who recently seperated from her husband without me is ok, and that spending multiple nights away at single guy friends houses is ok.
No it is NOT okay -- it just plain SUCKS and wow, I can see a guy's night out but nope; this is NOT cool.
I'd read him the riot act about this. And I do not approve of him having such time on his hands for this femal friend.
Only married 3 months and he's treating you with discord and disregard?
You bet let him know that this mess ends and ends now.
I don't want to make you feel worse, but what about these male friends of his? Why in tarnation is he spending so much time with them? And what's with this "female friend"? Are you certain that this is a friend -- a bona fide one -- and not one of these inappropriate deals where a "Friend" is not really a friend?
What happened to spending time as newlyweds and together as a couple??? Very important, particulaly since you have just gotten married!
Go to a doc first and foremostly and have him do a full checkup. Have him rule out thyroid problems (thyroid problems can make you very moody and very cranky and can make you downright nasty, too) and hormone problems.
Extrinsic of ruling out health problems, your H is being a d!ck. He needs to spend more time with you, not with his buddies and most emphatically NOT with this female friend of his. No sireebub.
Please address this topic and make sure it is settled to YOUR satisfaction.
And if you address this problem and he still refuses to cut it out, a pp is right: time to reevaluate what is happening here with this marriage. YOU come first, not these other people. GL.
This.
I felt this way when I first went away to college--wondering if I made a mistake, not wanting to socialize, letting my emotions snowball into other issues, the whole thing.
I'm not knocking you if you didn't live alone before marriage, but you must know that to a point, it's natural to get the blues when you're making your transition.
However, you're not the only person dealing with this, as this is affecting your marriage too and if you don't communicate with your husband and talk to somebody, even if it's just someone else who's dealing with the same thing, you're going to ruin your marriage and add one more thing to the snowball. Talk to someone asap.
Go see your parents. Even though they're in FL and you're married, they're still your parents.
And put the kabosh on this whole hanging out with singe/separated people alone. It will only complicate things.
Feel better, hun.
From your wedding pictures you do look very young, but you need to cut this attachment to your parents. Stop looking at things from the point of view of the life you gave up (living with your parents, single life, etc.) and start looking at this as a new and exciting chapter in your lives. One thing that always helps me to get through stressful or depressing situations is to try something new and plan something (not too far away) to look forward to.
Can the two of you plan a weekend trip away to reconnect? A trip to Florida to visit your parents? Take a class together, or try a new sport together?
If I were in your situation I would sit down with my husband and really work on some communication. I don't know if what he is doing is inappropriate, but it is sounding as though he may be regretting getting married as well, and is expressing that in a different way than you. Talk to him - why is he seeking out these other relationships? Does he know how his relationship with this other woman makes you feel? Or how you feel when he spends all of his time with his single friends?
Pay attention to what he is saying too - I'm sure it doesn't feel great for him that his new wife wants to move back in with her parents.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I have been living on my own for 6 years, but never far from my parents, I have been with my hubby and living together for almost 4 years. So it's not living on my own or living together that is new. I am young, about to be 24 but I don't think too young. I am on bcp but a lower dose one because the regular dose messed my stomach up, I tend to have really bad side effects from any medication. Our shedules don't allow us a single full day together and between my wedding and my best friends wedding the only time we have together is going to be our cruise which is still over two months away. I think that is adding to my upset. I didn't visit my parents like every day or anything but I think it's the feeling of being to a point where I can't just stop by whenever. My dad has had cancer and a couple heart attacks and I don't like the feeling of something happening and I can't get there.
I have talked to my hubby he just was raised very different than me, his parents and him can go months without seeing or even talking, and he doesn't get why I am so attached to my parents, and he's said he wants to understand but he doesn't. It's just very hard to be away, and to have my friends be busy all the time.
That would mean emancipation but I do not think that's the trouble here -- you say you've been on your own but there is still this strong attachment you have to your parents. This is a real conflict: were you on your own or not? I don't think you were.
And you never lived alone. You were never, at any time, "on your own."
Living with a boyfriend is NOT being "on your own." You went straight from Mommy and Daddy's to living with a boyfriend. Not wise to do at any age, let alone ar 19 years of age.
And this had to be your very first boyfriend. Not suprising.
This is the whole thing it all hangs on --- a generation or 2 ago, it was quite common for couples to marry right out of college where neither one lived on their own first (dorm time doesn't count). Now it seems that everybody that age who gets married is much much too close to their parents, almost to an unhealthy extent.
What you needed to do: Get a single girl apartment and live in it on your own for a good several years, date a few guys, have fun being single and growing and learning... and then consider marriage.
And living with a guy when you're 19 years of age is never a good idea.
You never had a chance to grow and mature on your own -- it's almost like you want your H to take care of you, the same as your parents did.
And lots of this is immaturity, plain and simple. (this is something else clerics need to keep in mind when couples show up for pre marriage groups and precana and such: if the couple is too immature or one is, it should be strongly suggested that they rethink the marriage or put it on hold for a good long while until somebody grows up -- and some people never do, no matter what their age might be)
That you and he are on 2 separate schedules compounds things. You were having problems iwth this not long ago. You and he will have to work together on utilizing the time you have to gether to the max -- and find creative ways to "be with" each other when you're apart. There's notes and emails and texts.
Your biggest problem in your jerk of a husband. He can find the time to spend with this woman -- but when it comes to you, you get jack sh!t?
Honey: NIP THIS IN THE BUD NOW -- demand that all this damn playtime with other people END -- and demand that the friendship with this broad ends and ends NOW. This is not going to have a good end.
YOu need to sit down and read him the riot act on this: the extensive time with buddies ends and ends now and so does that little friendship with the woman. Period.
And if he refuses or gives you flak, RETHINK HIM IMMEDIATELY.
You are supposed to come first, not his pals and most certainly not this female friend. This stinks on ice in so many ways that it's not funny.
He treats you with disregard and no respect: not a good sign. And I am thinking too that all of this was happening before you were married and you figured it would end once you got married. Nope.
And if you find out that this little douche you married is emotionally having an affair (I say he is; all of the signs are there), or a physical one with her, take no bullshit: show him the door and get this "marriage" annulled in a civil court. I am thinking, too that perhaps your relationship wth him was over before you got married; it happens.
Chalk it up to being young --- this is what's gotten into the mix.
It sounds to me like your parents moving away and your husband acting like a turd is throwing you back into the depression you struggled with when you were younger. Nobody can blame you for that, but you need to take charge of the situation. You might be feeling isolated right now, but you're not at the mercy of the storm here. You can get yourself back on track.
If you had a therapist you liked the last time you felt depressed, start there. Give that person a call and set up an appointment. If that isn't an option, start with the phone book. If you don't have insurance and money is an issue you can contact your local human services center. They should be able to point you in the right direction either by giving you a local community services line to call or by directly making a referral.
This. I have always had a great relationship with my parents but you are clearly really struggling and need to work one some things in therapy. It will help, I promise. It is one of the single best things I ever did for myself.
Another thing you can look into: help for those who have a loved one with cancer -- go to the ACS website; see what is offered in your area in the way of a support group.
The bolded sticks out to me - how unfair to resent your husband because of this situation. You married him and you two are a family now. It does not mean your family disappears, it doesn't mean it's wrong to miss them. But it's clear to me that you would rather be with your Mom and Dad than with your husband. Furthermore, you're making your husband a scapegoat because your parents made a choice that was best for them. It's wrong.
I'm not condoning your husbands behavior, not for a second. But - is it at all conceivable that you've pushed him away? If you're always bummed out, always crying over your parents, and resenting him for their decision to move, maybe that's why he's going out with other people (the recently divorced female friend is a big resounding "OH HELL NO" in my book, but going out with his buddies is kind of understandable if this is what he's facing at home).
If I remember correctly, you're the one who posted about telling MIL she doesn't get grandkids, then a few days later posted about wanting kids and when to start? You're all over the place. And guess what? It's ok to not know exactly what you want. What's not ok is marrying someone when you both aren't on the same page, don't have the same values, when you'd rather be with Mom and Dad than your own husband.
When it comes to your Mom and Dad - be happy for them. They made a choice that was best for them. They figured, our kid(s) are grown up, married, starting their lives - you gave them the cue. It's time for them to live their lives the way they want. Good for them. Stop wallowing in your sorrow, stop being your own worst enemy. I get it - it's a huge adjustment. But you aren't doing yourself any favors here. I'm not trying to be harsh, consider this tough love. Get yourself into therapy and work through these issues, you have an obligation to yourself, your parents, and your husband.
Regarding your marriage, I'm not a fan of throwing in the towel without really trying to make it work first. You both made a commitment to one another. TALK! Get this stuff out in the open. Set some expectations for one another (he can't see this other chick, you can't keep holding your parent's move against him). Get a gameplan (you get yourselves into individual and couples therapy). Make a schedule (plan out visits to your parents at a frequency that works for you and your husband). Make the commitment (you married each other, forsaking all others, in good times and bad - work to get this marriage on track).
If, after some work, you guys are still out of whack, get a divorce knowing you did the best you could.
I have been here before- Only I was the one to move away once we were married. (due to his new job). I resented him for the fact of "taking me away from my family" and having me start over with my job, friends etc.
I realized soon after that it wasn't him I can be mad at. I felt horrible because during the time I blamed him I didn't give him the respect and love I should have. I talked with my mom about how I was feeling and she and my sister made a trip to see me shortly after- it was totally what I needed. I stayed in touch with my friends so I blamed him for nothing on that and I got another job and even went back to school this year with his help and motivation towards me.
OH and... I have been on my own since I went off to college and lived with roommates and by myself. I met my HB when I was 21 and married at 25 we lived together for 3 years before marrying. I just have a really close realationship with my family- family is number 1 and I needed to realize that my HB is my family and number 1 too.
I don't have a husband that goes off with other women- he supports me 120%. I suggest you go do something for yourself - (I told my HB I needed to do something for me (I went for a long walk around a lake then got a pedi) and I would like to talk).
When I came back I explained to him everything, I apoligized of how I treated him, etc. I told him that I have been feeling down and feels like I am in a funk and can't get out. I missed my parents, my sister, my brother, I quit my job and relocated so I even missed that. He was there for me, that next weekend he switched his schedule to drive up to see them for the weekend.
I don't remember how long you said you were married for before finding out about the other ladies but I don't suggest you apoligize for feeling any doubt about this. I would tell him stright forward how you feel (HB I feel ____ when you get together/call ect) If he doesn't understand I agree with you taking a trip down to see your parents- maybe even use that time to get their advice and help about what your next step is. I don't like suggesting a failed marriage but if you are truely unhappy with him and yourself in the marriage and can't trust him anymore then I say move onto something better for yourself. If you're not happy then you are just bringing everything else down too.