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Dh spending frivolously
I'm going to try and keep this short. Dh went to a concert, the ticket had cost $170, fine whatever. I look on our account statement and it turns out he spent 250 the night of the concert. I mean, holy ***!
I asked him how he could spend that kind of money when he knows that we can't afford that. We are trying to save and have a ton of expenses coming up. He immediately got defensive and told me that he makes the money so he will spend it if he wants to. He has since apologized for this comment, but will not apologize for spending the money.
I have been fuming about this for two days. Last night he asks me how much longer I'm going to be mad for. I asked him if he really thinks that what he did was ok. He retorts, yes and you being pissed off about it doesn't matter
After that I started crying. He walked back in and said, Oh by the way I still have some of the money left and I'm keeping it. I asked him why he was being so hateful. He said I spend money that my dad gives me for my bday and Xmas. I told him that it isn't our money though. I would never spend that much of the money that he earns without discussing it with him first because I respect him. I don't feel like I get the same respect in return. Am I being crazy or is he in the wrong here?
Re: Dh spending frivolously
Whoa. I do not think you are being crazy here. First, I do not think that the way he treated you is ok at all (but that is slighly separate from the financial situation).
Prior to getting married did the two of you openly discuss finances and how thnigs would work out? Do you work? Also, staying at home caring for a child is still a full-time job in my book and deserves the same respect. It sounds like he may be the sole provider in this situation, so it is really important that you have a serious discussion about this. Even if he makes the money, it is not "his," it is both of yours.
When both of you are calm and collected, you should sit down, discuss and agree on mutual financial goals. Talk about savings, spending, the future and the present. Financial disagreements are among the top reasons for divorce, so try to nip this in the bud before it becomes an even bigger issue.
IMO, a little bit of both. I can see being surprised at the total cost, but did you really think he would go to a concert and not buy beer, food, maybe a concert tee? That's just part of the experience for many people.
The way he talks to you and disregards your feelings is a major problem, but then so is the way you seem to stew in your anger and try to control the purse strings with an iron fist. He does have the right to spend money, but not at a time that puts your family's finances at risk. Did the budget really not have room for the extra $80, or are you overreacting?
Counselling would be a good idea. The way in which you both are fighting is unhealthy.
ETA: Wait, was it $80 extra or are you saying he spent $250 extra? If it was $250, I'd be pretty choked myself. I'd also want to know wtf he spent that kind of money on.
Regardless of who "makes" the money, every dime that comes into the house that's not a gift is shared. Especially when you have a child together. What your DH did was immature and selfish. He doesn't get to act like that now that he's not single/childless.
When a man holds the "I worked for this" card to a wife (I assume you stay at home) it shows a lack of respect for her contribution to the family. He should be askhamed of himself, and I'm sorry for you that he's not.
On a devil's advocate note - if you get considerably more in gifts/money than he does during your bday/Christmas, it would be very kind of you to share the wealth. Not saying that definitely happens in your family, but the comment yoru DH made makes me think your house may be similar to mine - My family is more well off than my DH's. Luckily, my family is as generous with him as they are with me, but if yours is not it's something to consider.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I agree with PP.
$80 is parking, a snack, drink and t-shirt. When you agreed to him going, you agreed to the incidental costs.
however, I do not agree with how he talked to you or how you are both resolving this (tears?).
If it is $250 on top of the ticket - check where all the money is going. do you think he has a drug problem, gambling or ...? That is a lot of money, I would look for a pattern.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
it was 250 extra not 80.
That is a lot of money.
Drugs? Alcohol? Chicks? Gambling? What is he spending it on???
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
First off and straight away, it is OUR MONEY that he is spending. The money you earn and the money he earns is now OUR MONEY.
He needs to get that through his head. Try a marriage counselor to clear up this issue and a financial advisor.
Second off, you don't spend what you cannot afford. $250 spend the night of a concert? OUtrageous.
If he wants to go to a concert in the future, let him save up his "mad money" --- that's an allotment of cash per week that you get and that he gets, drawn from the OUR MONEY account. He can do what he wishes with that money.
Your H is very immature and spiteful and wow, what a lack of respect:
I have been fuming about this for two days. Last night he asks me how much longer I'm going to be mad for. I asked him if he really thinks that what he did was ok. He retorts, yes and you being pissed off about it doesn't matter
After that I started crying. He walked back in and said, Oh by the way I still have some of the money left and I'm keeping it. I asked him why he was being so hateful. He said I spend money that my dad gives me for my bday and Xmas. I told him that it isn't our money though. I would never spend that much of the money that he earns without discussing it with him first because I respect him. I don't feel like I get the same respect in return. Am I being crazy or is he in the wrong here
I'd read him the riot act on all of this. He's got no right to talk to you like this.
And wow, he still thinks it's okay that he did what he did.
Marriage counseling, stat. And if he refuses to go, you've got much bigger problems than the ones you described here.
Um, yeah, I'd be pissed then. Spending $80 would be excusable, but there's no justifying spending $250 on concert stuff. Where did he say he spent the money, and what does he have to show for it?
Zero respect for her. THat's more wrong than spending money on something that was not agreed upon by both of them jointly.
The OP needs to corral that and nip it in the bud now. And if he balks or refuses to do so, very bad news.
^Agree^
You're married now, you probably own a home together. Unexpected costs can creep up and if you don't have money saved, it could get you both in trouble. I may own my business, but I never assume the money I make is mine only. Every purchase I make is discussed with my wife. Even if it's software for my business. I'm strongly opinionated about it. As for gift money, NO you do not need to share that money with him. It's a gift to you and you alone. Use it to pamper yourself.
$250 dollars the day of the concert on top of that concert ticket! That's a lot of dough. Breaking that down if he bought drugs, let's say he bough good weed. An eighth would cost $60 bucks, perhaps he wanted a little more than that, $120 for a 1/4 of the stuff, not easy to pocket down with the smell. Still have $130 to account for, $30 dollars for a T-Shirt, $20 parking, the rest on drinks? That's a lot of drinks! Somehow I think he may have spent the money on an escort for him? I'd dig deep on this one.
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Unless he ate at the venue --- most of these arenas now have upscale restaurants and other eateries that cost a damn effen fortune!
Even when the old Giants Stadium was open, beer was 6 bux a pop -- and the last time I was in there was 2003. The new stadium will rob you blind and take yer eyeteeth along with it in exchange for some beer, an entree and whatever it is you eat... and wow, if yhou bring a guest or the family.... They think everybody is uber rich and can afford this mess.:(
i know that he didn't do drugs because he gets drug tested at work. He won't even take a painkiller unless its prescribed to him. As for the escort, I don't think that happened either. He was with his sister and her husband. He spent it on food, and alcohol. They had to stay in New Orleans the night of the concert, but my inlaws paid for the hotel room. Bil makes significantly more money than DH does. I think DH probably just started throwing around money trying to show off. He didn't do anything illegal with it. He just spent a lot more than he should have.
There IS a lot wrong here.
So basically he makes all the money and has ALL control to spend and do as he pleases?
Huge problem.
You have missed the whole point.
The fact that he talks to his wife like she's a nobody eclipses the spending problem.
No, it's not even about the money at this point -- he talks to her any ole way he wishes...and she doesn't even do anything about it.
His bullshit needs to stop and if it doesn't, she needs to figure out where to go from here.
Separate from the way he reacted to you when you brought it up (which was rude but not the same issue) I am kind of like "meh" about this spending thing.
I mean, is this a habit of his? I understand 250 dollars is a lot of money if you don't have it, but if it is a rare occurance then I would not see the point in fighting about it for days. My husband and I, for example, don't go to a lot of concerts so if he went to one (especially one with family that I knew nothing sketchy happened at) he would probably spend a lot more than if we did that kind of thing all of the time and i would not really freak out about it. If he did that kind of thing all of the time, however, I would be more pissed. If this was not a regular occurance rather he got ahead of himself and was showing off, as you say, then I would have brought up how he overspent and how such spending needs to be limited and discussed as a couple and let it go. He should be adult enough to make better choices.
However, his reaction shows me he might not be capable of such things but that is a separate matter.
First - how he is acting is disrespectful and rude. BUT....
Can you elaborate on your finances? Why does he think money he earns is "his money" are you a stay at home mom? Do you have an income?
It may be that you need to re-think your budget - if you don't have an income then it needs to be impressed upon him that family money is family money - not his money. If you do have an income you should either agree that all money earned is family money or agree on a set amount for you both to contribute to family money. Either way, he should be given a set amount to spend on "fun" stuff and how he spends it is his business.
I would say also that any money you earn or or given (presents) should be family money too then. It does not seem fair to say the money he makes from work is "ours" and the money you make from gifts is "yours."