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Feel like crap
H and I got married two months ago, but this is mainly about me. He has been depressed for months. He says that the better things get in his life the worse he feels, and he doesn't know why. He says he thinks about dying a lot. I pushed him to get medical help, and he finally had an appointment last week. He's going to see a psychiatrist to talk about medication, and he's going to keep going to counseling. I think he'll be ok, but obviously he's still pretty depressed.
The problem is that I am depressed too. He has severe ED, which we have tried everything to fix, but we can't have sex like normal people and I know that is a lot of what's behind his depression. Either way, we have barely touched each other since the wedding night. I didn't even want to then, but I did it for him. We have both tried a few times, but I just can't get into it and neither can he. It doesn't go beyond kissing, and even that feels kind of forced. If he goes back on depression medication any libido he has will vanish.
I have been awake and crying since 3:30 this morning. I didn't get to sleep until 1:00 am. I woke up several times during those two and a half hours.
I am in school full time and work 30 hours a week. I have no days off. Between work and school I am doing 60 hours a week, not counting homework (which there is a lot of) and commute time to and from work. It's really hard on me. About a month ago I had a huge anxiety attack at school and just started sobbing about a final that I felt totally unprepared for. My teacher and classmates were there for me and I actually did fine on the test, but it was kind of horrible. I am finished with school in December. so at least there's an end in sight.
I decided a few days ago to go back on my bipolar medication. I have not taken it at all for at least six months, and it was sporadic for a while before that. When I went on my meds the first time I went from 210 lbs to 155 through no effort of my own. Initially it was because it made me extremely nauseated and I lost my appetite completely, but after a few months I was basically back to normal and ate the same kinds of of crap I always eat. But I didn't like the other side effects so I stopped taking it. I went on another drug for a couple of months, but I gained ten pounds on it and it was so sedating that I could barely work. After that I went back to the lithium for a couple weeks, and then stopped taking anything.
I have since gained another 15 pounds. My knees hurt when I walk home from school. I have a lot more aches and pains. I get out of breath walking up hills. None of my clothes fit. People treat me like I'm invisible again. I tried dieting. It took an extreme effort and six weeks to lose five pounds, and I gained it back plus some very quickly. It's pretty apparent to me that I need to be on my meds to stay at a normal weight. My H denies that it makes any difference to him, but it's hard not to feel that way with the way our sex life is going.
Since I started my meds again I have felt completely effing miserable. It will get better, but I know from the past it takes a while. I have been living on saltines and soup and I don't even want that. I am dehydrated because water, soda, anything makes me feel worse and have a headache that will not go away. I have 12 hours of school tomorrow (today?) and will not be getting any more sleep. Sometimes I really resent that I have to take pills that make me sick, give me acne, require blood tests every 3 months, and dry out my skin and hair for the rest of my life just so I can be like everyone else. I'm so tired of it.
I gave up my daughter to her father because of my mental illness at the insistence of my doctor, because I wasn't taking adequate care of her. I could barely care for myself. I do see her sometimes, but it really hurts. He's always dicking me around with visitation, and she hardly ever calls me or answers her phone (that I pay for) or email. In a way things have really improved since I gave her up, but sometimes I just feel awful and like a failure.
Re: Feel like crap
I think it is really good that your DH is taking steps to better his situation. There is hope that if he sticks with it, his depression will get better. There is also hope for ED. Once his depression is under control, he can seek help for his ED. Things can get better.
I hope that you will continue to seek help. I know sometimes you have to try multiple meds and/or doctors. It can get better for you too.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
When I say we've tried everything I mean that. He's been to specialists, tried every mediation and device available at significant financial end emotional cost. We do not consider surgery to be an option for several reasons. He has permanent vascular and nerve damage from diabetes, and despite controlling it well for several years there has been zero improvement. It's physically impossible for him to get an erection and probably always will be. We are both beyond having false hopes anymore. I am mostly fine with it, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks, and it's ten times worse for him.
That said, I do know things will get better. I have been dealing with this since early childhood and sometimes I just get sick of it. It's harder because we just don't have the mental or emotional resources to be supportive of one another right now.
As you can see, you now have a very permanent problem.:(
Has he gotten a full medical checkup? If not, he needs one: Erectile problems can be dangerous: he could have a circulatory problem, a cardiac issue, a thyroid issue, a low testosterone level or possible diabetes.
The penis is a dipstick to health, just as a woman's period is her red flag. For his sake and yours he needs a full medical workup immediately.
Don't delay on this. Some docs automatically classify an ED client as one with a cardiac problem until that issue is ruled out.
YOU need a checkup, too: you went from how much to HOW MUCH with no effort??? That is not normal and I wouldn't say it's because meds didn't agree with you --- you might have a hyperactive thyroid problem or some other issue.
Also not normal to have all of these aches and pains in your knees. Something's going on; see a doc and find out what it is. Make sure you tell him everything you have told us.
I'd also get reevaluated for your bipolar issue; perhaps there is another med you can use.
See a doc IMMEDIATELY. I also suggest urgent care immediately. GL.
It would not. Kuus is right -- and as i said, this is also a medical issue. He is also simply too young for ED. He is not at a very advanced age.
Give serious thought to getting a checkup for your problems and he has to see a doctor for his. His health could be at stake. You don't mess around with possible cardiac, cirulatory, thyroid or a possible diabetes problem.
I'll do my best to address everything said.
He does have diabetes. He gets regular medical care for it, and he manages it very well. But some of the damage is permanent, and we know that is why he has ED.
Likewise, they don't give you lithium without close monitoring because the theraputic dose is very very close to the toxic dose and that is different for every individual. I don't know exactly why I lost weight on it, nor do I know exactly why I regained quite a bit in a short time when I stopped taking it. All I know is that a) I started losing weight immediately after I started taking it b) I regained weight quickly when I stopped taking it c) my doctors were aware and not concerned since I stabilized at a healthy weight, and d) my thyroid is fine. I have had my thyroid checked no less than 20 times and has always been fine.
I can also tell you that I never had knee pain until I regained 25 lbs. It's not unusual when you gain a lot of weight quickly for your joints to have trouble handling the weight.
As for some of the other things said, I have known about H's ED since the very first time we attempted intercourse. We have known for almost a year that there is nothing more we can try. I knew that when we got engaged and when we got married. Like I said, most days it doesn't bother me, but I think it would be a tad unrealistic for it to never bother me. Especially since he is very depressed over it. It's a hard thing to deal with sometimes, but sometimes couples have to go through difficult things. That doesn't make the relationship doomed. I love him and accept him as he is, even though I am sad sometimes for pretty obvious reasons. I haven't ever wanted to end the relationship over it.
If that idea doesn't appeal to you, there are other things you can do: get toys and incorporate them into your sex life with him, roleplay and there's always oral sex for you.
You can also masturbate and put on a show for him.
If you believe the ED will never change, but want to stay in the relationship, then you need to get to a place where you feel good/ok with that. Counseling would be a good option.
If it were me, I would not simply "accept" the ED as permanent until I had heard from no less than three specialists that there is nothing more that can be done. I dont think you should rule out surgery either. This is a quality of life issue, nothing should be ruled out.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
This all sounds really tough. I wish you the best of luck. I find it hard to believe that you didn't find more resolution to these issued before you got married, seeing as how these issues pre-dated the wedding date.
I hope you both find a happy, healthy place!
No one said you HAVE to end the marriage, but if your relationship is so platonic that, in your own words, you don't do more than kiss and even that feels forced, then I don't see this lasting. Have the two of you seen a specialist not for fixing the ED, but a specialist in counseling couples who are unable to have sex?
No one said you HAVE to end the marriage, but if your relationship is so platonic that, in your own words, you don't do more than kiss and even that feels forced, then I don't see this lasting. Have the two of you seen a specialist not for fixing the ED, but a specialist in counseling couples who are unable to have sex?
This also.
There are also penile implants and perhaps drug trials for erectile dysfuncion drugs that are still in the "testing phase."
Has he tried the standard ED meds? have they worked?
ETA: here is another suggestion -- if the both of you are religious or spiritual, speak to your clergyperson. they help a lot.
He has looked into clinical trials. He can't do them because they want you to not be taking any other medication, which of course he has to because of his diabetes. They have his info in case something comes up that he can do, but he hasn't heard from them.
Here are the reasons why we do not consider surgery (penile implants) to be an option. His ability to heal and fight infection is extremely compromised. When he does get an infection it is incredibly aggressive, even if being treated with antibiotics. If the incision got infected the BEST case scenario would be that it took months to heal. The worst case, he could lose his penis completely or her could die. Other reasons include cost: it's about 20K and his insurance won't cover it. Not only that but it has to be re-done every ten years. If he has it done and it doesn't work then he will never have a chance at getting an erection again because they have to remove all of the erectile tissue to do it. Lastly, after the surgery the erection doesn't add much if any length, like a natural erection does. To put it bluntly, there's not enough there to work with.
We have tried every oral drug in the highest safe doses, same thing with injectables, and we have tried a vacuum pump. Zero results with any of them. In all honesty I wanted to stop trying because every time we tried something and it failed it was devastating for both of us. We both felt it was time to move on for both of our sakes.
We used to have a very good sex life even with limitations. He can actually ejaculate without an erection most of the time, though when he was on antidepressants before he could not. I was happy and satisfied with how things were. I have zero desire to be with anyone else, and would not consider an open relationship. The reason we're not doing anything now, I am pretty sure, is because we are both depressed, pretty badly, and I'm just effing tired.
I think it might be a good idea to see a counselor for this, but I'm not even sure where/how to find one. And I worry that if I suggested it he would think I'm not happy with him. I'm not happy, but it has nothing to do with him.
Maybe if you phrased it like, this is an unusual situation that couples frequently need help dealing with, maybe he wouldn't feel so bad. But in any case, he's going to feel a lot worse if your marriage disintegrates due to not having the emotional help the two of you need, you know?
Do you know anyone who sees a therapist and is happy with that therapist? You might want to ask that person for the therapist's contact info, and then call her and ask for the numbers of respected colleagues who specialize in issues like the two of you have.
Did your husband become diabetic because of weight and diet issues? I noticed you mentioned your weight once or twice and said that you eat "crap" a lot of the time. Do you think you are overweight? Are you at least 5'10? Im saying this because being over weight can be very depressing for some people, causing them to eat more and feel worse. Although I have not been diagnosed with any mental issues yet, I know that I suffer from bad anxiety. Walking on the tread mill or around the park with my music blasting really puts me in the "me time" zone and helps me to clear my head or whatever problems im currently facing. Maybe you and your husband could set some time away from your busy schedules and walk or run together. That will give you time to talk about whatever issues or feelings you are having while staying in a calm enviornment. If you are having knee problems it could very well be that you gained to much weight to quickly and your body is telling you it can't handle it. Either way I would see your doctor about that, knee problems are no joke!
I just saw this. We're both atheist.
I am not seeing a therapist right now, but I am in the process of setting that up. I have a psychiatrist appointment next week.
He was overweight when he was diagnosed with diabetes. If he is now it's not by very much. He used to weigh over 300 and he is now about 190.
As for me, I am currently overweight but it has nothing to do with my depression. I was fine with weighing 210 (I never had knee or joint issues, probably because the weight came on much more slowly, and I was younger then), and I was initially kind of upset when I started losing weight, but I was fine with weighing 155 too. It's not just that I gained back 25 pounds, it's that it happened really fast and I have no doubt that I'd have continued to gain without going back on my meds. If I'm having pain now because of carrying the extra 25 lbs. then it would have just gotten much worse if I gained another 30 or 40 pounds. I didn't want to find out.
When you gain weight really fast your body does not have the chance to build stronger muscles, bones and ligaments because that takes a lot more time. When I was only gaining 5 lbs a year my body had plenty of time to adjust.
We live in the city, at the top of a hill, and we don't drive. Bus rides are just expensive enough that I don't think it's worth it if it's less than 3 miles, so we both do a lot of walking, much of it together. H goes to the gym 4 times a week, and both my job and school are very physically demanding. Because I need to walk to get around, and I do physically demanding work, I can't afford to mess up my body.
I've been doing my job for 8 years, and have not had a car for 10, so I don't think that getting exercise really has much of an impact on my personal mental state, but it may help him some. Clearly not enough.
Wow! You are in a very difficult situation. I am so sorry for you
I am concerned that you are not currently under the care of a psychiatrist, but on Lithium. I sincerely hope you are not going on and off these serious heavy hitting meds on your own. I am also concerned that your weight appears to be your number one concern with going on and off these meds, not your emotional state. Lithium is a dangerous med, it is not for weight loss. I am sure you are aware of this if you have been dealing with these issues since you were young, but a little reminder never hurt, it truly comes out of concern
You mentioned your eating habits are not usually the best, work on that. If you don't buy it, you can't eat it! This can help your H as well!
As far as your husbands ED, I agree with many of the other posters, therapy...asap. You need to work through your feelings about it and so does he. Individually and together.
I am glad to hear you H is now taking care of himself with exercise and having lost weight. The kind of permanent vascular damage you are describing is a huge deal. If he is already not a candidate for elective surgeries due to likely complications, things are not good. The damage is throughout the body and you both need to know what you are in for and what can be done to prevent further damage. I hope he is being followed carefully by his physician. I don't know if you two have been to diabetic education classes, but they can be very helpful and they can probably suggest a therapist who deals with these issues all the time, including the ED.
You are almost done with school, focus on that wonderful accomplishment for the moment and know if you can deal with all you've been dealing with and school, you can do anything! I wish you so much good luck!
I was going to say this in regards to some of the other posts. Depression hits hard, especially when it hits you both at the same time. I was depressed with some sleep disorders I didn't know about. Wow. I was a disaster. And they fed in to each other. And without a proper positive support system, I resigned to spending 75% of my time in bed (the other 25% being work). So, I can really relate to that. When you are truly depressed, nothing feels right, it's exhausting, and it creates a vicious cycle.
I hope that you two can work through your depression. I commend you for not leaving because of the ED. While it is an important part of intimacy and your relationship, it should not be the most important. It sounds like for the most part, you have a good handle on that. So kudos.
Good luck. And remember you've got a good, positive support system here even if we can't physically give you a big hug when you need it.
I'm not using Lithium primarily for weight loss, though I can kind of see how you might think that based one what I posted. It's more to prevent any further weight gain because my body just cannot handle it. I am also sick of being depressed, and am scared of a manic episode. I've been hospitalized three times for bipolar, once after a suicide attempt, and I've always been both manic and off my meds when it happened.
I also thought it was sort of unfair for me to insist H see a doctor if I was unwilling to even take care of my own mental problems. I realize it was somewhat risky to re-start without seeing a doctor first, but I did schedule my appointment the same day, and I did what I thought was the best thing for me. I did take it before for several years and know the correct dose (it never changed in that time and I don't expect it has now either).
It's probably going to sound like an excuse, but eating healthier is not as simple as just not buying it. I had to pick between cooking and sleeping because I don't have the time to do both. Many days I leave at 8am and get home at 10:30 at night. The few days I get home at 8 I have to spend doing homework. Not only that but I live half a block from a Starbucks, a convenience store, and several take out places. The healthy food rots in my fridge and I just go get something I don't have to prepare and don't have any dishes to wash from.When I'm not gone all the time I do better, but I still like ice cream and pizza and that's not going to change. I have no desire to cut out all processed and junk food from my diet.
H is closely monitored by his doctors for his diabetes because he has had other complications. That's how I know about his compromised healing. We've already been through it. He lost most of his eyesight before I met him too. Well, he actually lost all of it, but they were able to restore it a little bit with multiple surgeries. He takes really good care of himself, lost over a hundred pounds, and this stuff still happens. It's kind of frustrating.
I don't know, I mean, leaving him over the ED was really never on the table for me. I don't get sad over the lack of intercourse, I get sad once in in a while over the unfairness of never getting to share that with someone I love so much. I am also sad for how depressed he gets over it. I don't want him to be depressed, or feel like I'd be better off without him. If I left it wouldn't fix anything. I would still love him, and I'd be worse off not having him in my life at all.
I think you need a little tough love.
Lithium is NOT a weight management drug. Period. That is exactly what you're using it for. And because you have "no desire" to make healthier choices? Ridiculous. You lost weight on Lithium because it suppresses your appetite nad causes nausea. There is no mystery or magic there. If you are going to self medicate you could do yourself a favor and at least educate youself about what you're taking and what it's doing to your body.
Same goes for your husband and his conditions. You're upset because he finally decided to start taking care of himself and "this stuff still happens"? In order to have all the complications he's had this did not happen overnight. I'm sure he was warned and didn't have any desire to change his lifestyle either until it was too late.
You need to see a physician asap who can treat your depression so you can take steps forward in your life. And stop with the victim mentality. I understand depression is horrible, that's why you need to get help. now.
And maybe you missed the part where I said I was putting myself at huge risk of another suicide attempt and hospitalization, and that I've been depressed for months. Do you know why I've been depressed for months? Because I have been agonizing over the best thing to do at this point. And I am fed. Up. With being in pain from gaining weight.
So here were my choices: I could try a new drug which may or may not work and would do god knows what to my body. I could take something I have taken before other than Lithium, all of which I gained weight on, thus putting ever more strain on my body. Or I could take Lithium, which worked and kept me at a healthier weight.
I certainly did not relish the idea of taking Lithium again because I hate, hate, hate the side effects. But when I had to consider the fact that on anything else my weight gain would most likely escalate, plus they all had their own set of crappy side effects, well, the choice seemed pretty clear to me.
You told me I need to get medical help now. I have an appointment on Tuesday and it was the soonest one I could get. I'm not sure what you want me to do here. Go to the ER? Stop taking something that helps me, and quickly?
I can promise you that the appetite suppression effect gradually went away and was gone in a few months. The nausea lasted only a week or two. I fully expected that when I started eating normally again I would regain the weight, but I didn't. Not until I stopped the Lithium, and there was zero change in my diet or exercise habits.
You also completely took what I said about my current eating habits out of context as well. My eating habits have improved substantially in the past few years. It's not realistic for me to just change everything overnight, nor is it realistic for me to never ever eat any junk food again. Furthermore the situation I am currently dealing with (never being home) is temporary, and as I said things will get better again when I'm done with school. Again, I really don't know what you think I should do, or why you think it's "ridiculous" that I don't want to spend the few hours I am home cooking and cleaning up when depression has already sapped what little energy I have.
As for my H and his diabetes, I didn't know him when he was diagnosed. I didn't know him when he was overweight. I have no clue why he didn't try to lose weight sooner. All I know is that even his doctors don't get why he is still having so many complications. According to them he shouldn't be. He has been exercising regularly and maintaining a healthy weight for 3 years, and his A1C count has been very good for most of that time. It's not that he expects everything to magically be better but he has had NO improvement, and yeah that is pretty frustrating after the amount of hard work he has put into getting healthier.
I don't know where you are getting a "victim mentality" from. I am working my ASS off to get through school and still be able to support myself. I am pulling all A's and B's even though the classes are very challenging to me. I am doing this while my husband and myself are dealing with depression, and I am taking even more time from my schedule to get help for it. Every single day I put a smile on and I leave the house, and I just keep going no matter what. Yeah, I wish I had never stopped the Lithium in the first place. I wouldn't have gained weight and I wouldn't be dealing with depression. It's my fault and I should know better by now. But I can't change the past, and neither can H. We can only move forward.
He lost a great deal of weight! That has to be a tremendous boost for his self esteem and his self confidence. That is something not everyone can do.:)
Seems like there are so many things going on it is too overwhelming. Try just focusing on the major issues, one your health and school. The bright spot is school will be over in a couple of months and you can then channel that energy into one of the other problems.
I don't see where you said you were under a doctor's care, are you? Have you spoken to one about weight loss? You've got to stop beating yourself up over having to take a medication. You need it.
Right now you need to take care of yourself. Your DH is getting help. It doesn't seem like even if he was able to get it up that you would be interested in sex with him. Is this the case?
Also, if you have a court order enforce it if you want contact with your child. If you don't have one, get yourself together and put that on the list of things to do.
Yeah, I agree, and I wish he could see it that way. He's still not happy with his body though. He wants surgery for the loose skin (which I am obviously DEAD set against, if he could even find a dr. willing to do it). I think he will never be happy with his body until he can accept himself the way he is. He says he doesn't know how to do that.
I'm not currently under a doctor's care, but I have an appointment Tuesday. I set it up as soon as I decided to re-start my medication.
You're right that his ED has no bearing on me wanting sex right now. I try to want it, but I don't really. It's not him, it's me. He doesn't seem to want it right now either. In that respect is sort of a non-issue. It's only a symptom of bigger issues.
I don't have a set visitation schedule right now. We intentionally left it vague when she went to live with my ex because at the time I was very ill and only visited with her at my parent's house so they could help with her care. Obviously things are very different now, and I do need to get it all in writing and put through the court. We decided on set times for her to come here, but then he'll back out on it if it doesn't suit his own plans. I'll need to talk to an attorney about getting it done.
There is a blended family board on the bump and you might want to check over there for what to ask for regarding visitation. Documenting is one thing that will help your case.
It isn't selfish to want to get yourself in a good place before you help someone else. Taking excess skin off will be a temporary high for your DH and he will find something else which he doesn't like about himself. He is a work in progress and frankly you need your energy to get through your own journey. Be supportive, but unless he is doing the things he needs to get better on his own then you are dealing with a lost cause .
There are other ways beside sex to be close/intimate with a person. Maybe a different outlet would bring you closer (if that is your ultimate goal). What did you do when dating that made being around each other fun or attractive?
Good luck with the appointment.