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Am I Cheating? I am Devastated......
About two weeks ago, my fiance, Jim, had an unexpected day off from work. He went through my Ipod and found my Facebook link on it. He went through my messages on it and found some communication between me and my ex who is also my daughter's father. It was a completely innocent exchange, but since I said TTYL and he said something about him being in town (I live in NY with our daughter and he lives in Arizona) in October, my fiance is reading all kinds of things into this communication than was actually there.
My ex is an ex for a reason, but we do share a daughter. I don't want to be with him in any way shape or form. I love my fiance with all my heart, he is the best thing that has happened to me ever. He is smart, stable, he works hard, he is giving, loving, responsible, generous, kind, he would do anything for me and my daughter. I love him with all my heart. But I have known my daughter's father for over 18 years, and while I don't want to be with him in a romantic sense, we do share a connection. He has been a crappy father, has spent time in prison, has not paid child support, but we do have a past and I don't think it is wrong to have an innocent conversation with him on Facebook about our kid. He (the ex) knows all about my upcoming marriage, about my fiance, about how great he is and how much I love him and he is happy for me.
My fiance thinks that I want to get back with my ex, that "since we share such a deep connection" that I don't need to be with him, but need to be back with my ex. I have tried to explain that no such connection exists, but Jim keeps bringing it up. We spent two days with him being really mean and me begging him to forgive me and to not leave me. I thought things were OK, but then yesterday, he said something about how things would be great and we would be planning a wedding, except for me cheating on him. And it took a few hours for me to talk him down about that. He goes from telling me how much he loves and adores me to him telling me that we don't need to be together and that he will buy me a bus ticket to go to Arizona to be with my ex so I can be a family with him.
I guess my question is this, Is it cheating to talk to an ex that you share a child with, if the majority of the communication is about the child? Am I wrong to still be talking him? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Re: Am I Cheating? I am Devastated......
No you are not cheating in any way! Why would you even start to believe this? Plus, maybe your ex wants to see his child? People do that all the time.
If your fiance doesnt trust you now, good luck down the road, he sounds really controlling. I've had contact with my ex over fb, and we dont even have a child. My husband always tells me he trusts me when it happens once in a blue moon, and that is that. Your fiance sounds really jealous and I would be aware this probably will get worse..is he the kind that wont let you talk to other men in general as well? If not, dont be surprised if that starts happening. It happened that way to me, I kicked that particular guy to the curb.
I agree with this 100%. It seems your FI can't step outside himself and his issues for the good of your child. No matter what type of father her dad is, your ex is still her Daddy. Having a child is a game changer in ways we do not always know, I think for you having your child should change him from FI to ex. And fast.
Oh my god! Your fiance has warped your mind over this to thinking that YOU have done something wrong. You haven't. The only person in the wrong here is your fiance. He snooped, he read your messages, he turned it into something in his head and now he's making you feel like the bad guy. That's a lot of manipulation right there.
Quite honestly, I think it takes a really special person to get involved w/ someone who has a child AND the ex is still in the picture. Dealing w/ the fact that the other parent is still around is sometimes the biggest problem and, again, it takes a special person to be able to handle that entire package.
So - you and your FI need to work on this and work thorugh it. IF that's even possible. Based on his very immature response, I don't know if it is. I really wonder if he'd even be open to going to counseling.
But as a mother - you need to put your DD first and that means backing off on the wedding plans and determine if this is an issue you all can work through.
Your Ex will most likely never, ever be out of the picture, and this is something your FI needs to understand and get a grip on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No you are not cheating and I do not like the turn this is taking with him:
We spent two days with him being really mean and me begging him to forgive me and to not leave me. I thought things were OK, but then yesterday, he said something about how things would be great and we would be planning a wedding, except for me cheating on him. And it took a few hours for me to talk him down about that. He goes from telling me how much he loves and adores me to him telling me that we don't need to be together and that he will buy me a bus ticket to go to Arizona to be with my ex so I can be a family with him.
I would question wanting to marry him after this very innocent conversation that he interpreted as a great big affair between yo and your ex.
At best, you need to put the wedding plans on hold -- why doesn't he trust you??? And like it or not, your ex will be in your life because you have a minor child with him. I will bet you that he thinks that is affair-worthy, too.
Your "wonderful" fiance is acting like a psycho. His behavior is A) a red flag for abuse,
If you have any respect for yourself, you will DEMAND that he knock this crap off and attend premarital/couples counseling. The fact that he has you simpering and begging for forgiveness when you've done nothing wrong is truly disturbing. Would you want your daughter to accept being treated this way?
Best of luck to you.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
You are a really bad judge of character. Your fiance is not a good man. A good man would not accuse you of cheating for simply talking to the father of your child, a good man wouldn't tell you to buy a bus ticket to AZ. That isn't what good men do. That is what bad men do. It seems he was able to pull the wool over your eyes for a certain amount of time, but now his true self is coming out. An accusoatory, paranoid, cruel, selfish, manipulative self.
Please save yourself and your daughter from a lifetime of misery and get out of this relationship.
Ok I read some of your previous posts and it seems that you have low self esteem. That is why your judgement is clouded and you aren't seeing what everyone else is. A woman with a healthy veiw of herself and a good sense of self worth wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone. I think he chose you for a reason. Not because he thinks you are lovely and special but because he picked up on what you thought of yourself and knew you could be easily manipulated. You need to ditch this guy and find a professional to talk to about why you choose bad men for yourself.I just wanted to ditto what everyone else is saying. This is not normal healthy behavior of a "great guy".
He went through your things looking for something to hold over you. The best he could find was a completely innocent conversation that took place a while back? I'd say he went looking for leverage because he is cheating himself, or at least planning on it. So right now he's beating you down so you feel so awful and apologetic that if his indescretions ever come to light he can turn around and say "well i did it because of what you did."
Not a good guy. Take a big step back.
May I just add a different point of view..... Do you think that your fiance was upset because the communication with your ex was over FB? I've read that pp's SO don't care about communication with an ex over FB, but I would care and DH would be very upset whether I had a child with him or not.
Also, what exactly were you and your ex talking about in the message that your fiance saw? Was it just strictly about the child and nothing else?
TTC since September 2012
Say what now? What does it matter whether it was a text or a FB message or a phone call or smoke signals? Please explain this to me. And the part about your H being upset if you talked to an ex you had a kid with? That's wonderful. And really not irrational at all.
OP, you've done nothing wrong. As I see it, you have 2 options.
1) dump the jerk because he snoops, doesn't trust you, and is just plain crazy. (Seriously, how are you supposed to cut your DD's dad out of your life? Does he not give a crap about hurting your daughter?) Oh yeah, and he's probably cheating. Douchers like to accuse others of their own misdeeds. I'd be asking HIM some hard questions.
2) insist on counselling, because of all of the above- preparing to do 1) if he doesn't change his behaviour and attitude/ realize how messed up he is/ stop being a douche. Don't let this be swept under the rug! What made him snoop in the first place? Why did he think it was okay?
Postponing the wedding is a given. Good luck.
Thanks all for the replies. I don't know what I am going to do, but I feel better knowing that I am not crazy for thinking he is making a big deal about this. He asked how I would feel if he was talking to his exes, and I told him that if he had a child with one of them, I would expect that there would be some communication. But he doesn't have any kids at all so there is no reason for it. I don't talk to any of my other exes.
The communication was about our daughter, and we also talked about his relationship and my relationship, about life in general. Nothing intimate or anything like that, more like "How are you?" and "I am doing great" etc etc. Nothing that I would have had a problem with him reading or whatever. I don't like that he snooped and I don't like his attitude about any of this. I have a lot of soul searching to do. My daughter is 16 so I will let her take the lead on whatever communication goes on with her father. I deactivated my Facebook page to avoid further arguments about this.
See, I still have a problem with this. You shouldn't have to get rid of Facebook. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He is the one with the problem. I think it is great you can have a civil relationship with your ex, because that is best for your daughter. Even though she may be almost an adult, you will still come into contact with each other. Don't let this jealous and controlling new guy wreck that. Think of your daughter. How would you feel if she had a boyfriend who flipped out on her bc, say, an ex sent her a message asking what the homework was in English, and nothing more? You'd tell her that he was crazy and treating her badly I'd hope. So don't model that behavior for her.
Ok. - really? You deactivated your FB page over this and you're going to now let your DD "take the lead"?
I think your FI is probably a lot more controlling than you want us to know, and maybe even more that YOU want to admit.
And he is not ready to be in a relationship, much less married, to a person who has a chlid w/ another man and will always have contact w/ that man on some level.
Your FI is NOT a great man. Please realize that. A kind, generous person doesn't act like this. A controlling person does.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can't THIS this enough. You need serious therapy to find out why you're okay with being treated so horribly and why you don't think you deserve better.
This is a very unhealthy relationship. Marriage won't change that. It will get worse.
I'm sorry, but your Fiance needs to grow the f*ck up.
Whether he likes it or not, that's how it is going to be. And if he cannot hack that, HE should be the one to leave!
Agreed: you shouldn't have to deactivate anything because your FI objects to it. Why should you be living under a sword of Damocles like that?
I am really so surprised that everyone thinks it was a bad decision for OP to deactivate her FB account. DH isn't on FB and doesn't care for me to be on there but he has never told me to get off. After time, I got off on my own because I sensed he didn't like it and I can tell how happy that made him when I got off, and DH is not controlling. I know plenty of couples that a mate has told them to get off FB. What's the big deal? FB is a bunch of garbage anyway. You can raise children together and communicate without FB.
As far as the fiance, It must be something that the OP is leaving out because what adult would not know that you have to communicate with your child's father? I'm sorry no one agrees, but I'm not buying it. That's why OP deactivated her account because it's more to it I believe.
OP even said in the FB message that they were talking about each other's relationships. For what? Sorry, DH would be pissed at me. Our relationship has nothing to do with raising their child. Sorry.
TTC since September 2012
you know, it only takes one person saying everything is okay to allow a person in an abusive relationship to justify staying.
Hope you're feeling really confident in your encouragement.
Your post actually makes me mad. Catching up and discussing current personal events with the father of you kids is fine, and I personally think it should be commended. The OP's FI will be the daughter's stepfather (unless the OP wises up and leaves), so the father showing interest in him is pretty normal, and in my opinion a good thing.