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hello baby! goodbye marriage?
my husband and i welcomed our daughter 6 weeks ago. that was when i realized that i had no idea what love was. since the second she was born she has become my entire world, which is the way it should be. but, ever since she was born it has been like a ticking time bomb. now, to understand why, you have to understand my husband...
he is a 23 year old marine and we have been married for 7 months. we dated for years and met in high school. sure, hes a bit immature, ive been hoping that he will hurry up and grow out of it, but, im still waiting. so, for the past 6 weeks we have just been about to kill each other. all he does is sit around and he doesnt help me with the baby and he doesnt help me with the cleaning and all he does is complain saying that im not affectionate enough... newborns happen to be extremely demanding, not to mention the combined 6 hours a day that i spend breast pumping and all the other hours are filled with other baby related things. so, yea, i barely have time to brush my teeth let alone fool around with him.
he keeps saying that i need to make time for him and that i need to make him feel loved and all this stuff. and all i can think is, "are you serious that big of a child that you are throwing a hissy fit because im not having sex with you? can you really not understand that you are no longer my number one priority and that your sexual needs are so far down on my list its not even funny?" every day, he get angry because of it. most of the time i dont even know it until i ask him something and he just crosses his arms and gives me that angry pouty face (you know that one you get from a 6 year old...) so, then, of course because hes angry for no reason i get angry because of how rediculous he is. and we end uo not speaking all day... im not going to lie, im not the same person i was before we had the baby. im all buisness now. i really dont care that hes upset, i know that sounds cruel, but i just feel like he should be able to deal with that... 
im sure that ill get back to my old self once i can really get the hang of this mommy thing, but, im pretty sure thats gong to take a while. ive tried, i really have. ive tried to strech myself more and make time to make him feel warm and fuzzy, but i just cant yet. and in the mean time i really do expect him to self soothe.
call me cold, call me heartless, but im doing the best i can. and i just want him to just tough it out until it gets easier. i want him to wake up at night, i want him to take her so i can get a shower. i want him to STOP THROWING HISSY FITS! i dont need another child to take care of, i need a husband. is this normal? i thought he would kinda grow up a bit once she was born. i dont feel like he has the bond with her like i do, and that freaks me out.
and then he tells me, "i dont know if i can go another two weeks..." implying that if i didnt make time for sex every day that he would leave... ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU SELFISH PIG?
OR, am i just really not good at this multitasking thing. am i just too mean to fake a happy face all the time? does everyone else do that? should i actually be happy all the time? i know that something is wrong, i just dont know how to fix it.
Re: hello baby! goodbye marriage?
He is immature.
And no, he is not going to end his immaturity any time soon.
This could be due to age or he could wind up being a perpetual middle schooler; I know of quite a few guys much much older than your H who never grew up. Very sad.
What also is not a positive portent: there was an unplanned pregnancy that got into the mix and the 2 of you wound up getting married as a result of the pregnancy.
The unplanned pregnancy will -- and is --- put a further strain on what's a shaky marriage to begin with.
Yes, he should be equal parenting. Yes, he needs to get it that a kiddo changes everything. And yes, he needs to get it that the mother of a child is fairly swamped all day long with taking care of the tike and therefore is hardly in the mood to be a sex kitten when His Highness comes home at night.
And I do not like his viewpoint about sex. No you are not in the mood; you are tired as hell and wow, he is more or less demanding sex?
I don't think counseling will help: he is a baby himself and no counselor will get him to magically grow up.
And I don't think any amount of talking to this guy frankly and candidly will get him to understand that he needs to be an equal partner in the entire marriage.
Maybe he'd do you a great big favor if he DID leave since you don't make time for sex everyday. Ha --- he'd save you the time and trouble of showing his ass the door.
Perhaps it would be best if you cut your losses and had this marriage annulled.
Considering what a can of worms you've gotten yourself into, I do not think it is in your best interest or your child's for you to continue staying with him as his wife.
Go home -- go to your parents' house, or some other relative, or a good friend's home or a woman shelter --- anywhere but stay with him.
I would not even tell him I am filing -- try a woman's shelter to get a recommendation for a low cost attorney who won't cost you much money. I think an annulment versus a divorce is your best route.
Sorry for your troubles.
When you are free of this pig, make sure you call a moratorium to dating and make sure the moratorium is a good length of time --- I suggest 2 years. What's important right now is being a mother to your child and getting free of this mess that you're in right now. GL.
So he was an immature boyfriend, an immature FI, and now you say he's an immature husband? Why, I'm shocked!
Sorry your H is a jerk, but it sounds like he's behaving the way he always has -- the way you admit he's always been, the way you knew he was when you married him. You're learning the hard way that wedding rings don't come infused with magic fairy dust that instantly turn selfish, jackass FIs into loving, mature husbands.
Somebody upthread said his behavior isn't normal; yes it it. He's behaving like a typical 23-year-old who married the only GF he's ever known and then had a baby thrown into the mix way before he was ready for it and now he's resentful as hell.
You need to decide if this is how your child deserves to live.
ETA - Duh. I'm doing the math right now. This was a shotgun wedding. Sounds like you two got married because you had to.
Some of the advice you are getting to let him leave or to leave him I'd say is a bit hasty. Unless there are other things you've divulged on the board that I have not seen (I'm a newbie!)..anyways from what you posted here, we don't know the whole story. I would not necessarily discount marriage counseling. If he is willing to go to work out the issues, then that's fine. Every marriage has rough times, but also good times too. It takes work to get through the rough (within reason of course) patches.
Having a baby and lack of sleep is enough to cause problems in any marriage. Also maybe you may have somewhat depression as is very common after giving birth.My husband and I don't have kids, but you need to let him know/discuss calmly that if he helps out more than he may be getting more action in the bedroom. You both need to compromise.
But yes, giving you ultimatums is ridiculous..You said you don't care if he is upset..if you don't care about the marriage or working on it either, then take time to figure that out among the both of you..or maybe you can hire a babysitter (if there is one you trust or a family member) and try to rekindle feelings.
There is no shame in ending things, like you said people change. if you do split up you'll know you tried to make it work..people say the first year is the toughest, plus the baby on top of that..it's worth trying unless you both already made up your minds..but ya giving you that ultimatum for sex everyday or he's leaving is way out of line!! Good luck!
Wow. Yes, he is totally douche material. It is NOT normal, and not healthy for your husband to be acting that way. And I agree that you may want to look into PPD if you're feeling very overwhelmed, especially if you do not have his support with the baby.
Men just don't grow up overnight. I married my high school BF, and like another poster said, he was an immature boyfriend, immature fiance, and an immature husband. I expected him to change, and needless to say we aren't married anymore, and I made very sure that we didn't have any children. Looking back on my marriage, there was a lot of immaturity coming from me as well. Are there things that you're doing that are breaking down your marriage too? Snarky comments to him about not participating? It's so hard to be level headed with crazy post-baby hormones and sleep deprrevation, but you get what you give..
Have you tried looking at things his way? The intimacy demands are ridiculous, I cannot believe a 23 year old man would say those things to his wife (can I slap him for you?), but that aside he's probably feeling outcast. You say how madly in love you are with your baby, do you remind him that you love him too?
I know first hand how demanding breastfed babies are, and how rewarding it is to give baby the best food possible. But sadly, that inhibits the dad's bonding. My FI didn't really strongly bond with our baby until he lost his job and was home all day when the baby was 6 months. And I consider him a great partner and great father. There simply wasn't much time after work for interaction for the two of them when baby wasn't sleeping or eating, plus dad's don't get the rushes of the bonding hormones that moms do when breastfeeding.
Really check out couples therapy, get a professional to help you two out. If he's not on board right away, at least get therapy for yourself. It seems like the communication is still in the high-school stages, when that's not going to be productive or healthy for a new family. I agree that you need to look out for your baby, but 6 weeks isn't quite the time frame to totally rule out the marriage working.
GL, hoping he can get his act together.
So to you, for 'better or for worse' means putting up with someone who isn't being a good father or husband? Sorry but not in my book (or most of us for that matter) - divorce is an option and should be when someone in the marriage is not happy and the other person doesn't care to make things better or work things out to make sure the other is happy.
Marriages will go through good times and bad times. People can learn to grow together. It may not always be easy, but when you do say those vows, sorry, better for worse, YES it does mean putting up with someone's crap sometimes. Sorry, I am a little old fashioned and marriage is supposed to be a sacred thing and does not come easy. In my opinion if you are so willing for divorce just because things aren't going right at the moment, then you never should have gotten married in the first place! Marriage is work and isn't always peaches and cream!!!
I would suggest marriage counseling..
I do not have kids, but what I gather from my friends experiences is that sometimes the Hubby's have a hard time dealing with no longer being your one and only..now that you have a bundle of joy he may be jealous??
Not saying his actions are appropiate..but one of the reasons that counseling could help you both transition into these new roles.
This one has just over three months of marriage under her belt, ladies -- we're dealing with an old pro who certainly knows the ropes.
Bridget, read the OP again and do the math. This was a shotgun marriage to an immature high school BF. They probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
she may have gotten married for all the wrong reasons, but she IS married. Marriages are not high school relationships where you just send a text and break things off. Especially when a child is involved. I'm not saying OP has to live a life of misery because she got knocked up and married the guy, but she's not doing herself or her child any favors by cutting out after less than a year of marriage because the two of them are being immature. Stick it out, work it out, go to counseling, GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT before you cash in your chips. Also, just from reading her OP, I can list all of the very common insecurities that are manifesting in both of their bad behaviors. All of which could be addressed and overcome with the help of a professional, provided that they desire to be better people and understand one another better.
This societal mentality that marriage is only for when it's easy/convenient/blissful is wrong. Life is hard. Relationships have ups and downs. People are sometimes a-holes. But the actually getting through the rough times are what help us develop as mature men and women. Taking your ball and going home when you don't get your way just shows how poorly equipped one is to handle this world.
This marriage may not last. Too young, too soon, and for all the wrong reasons might be too much for them to overcome. And divorce may be better for them if neither of them can live up to the promises they made to each other. But they don't know that yet. They haven't even tried. They're massively ill-equipped to handle the responsibilities of marriage and parenting, but these are the choices they made, and we as a society to encourage them to at least TRY to learn the skills they need to make their choices work for them now.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Yes, life is hard. No one is denying that. Yes, marriage should be taken seriously, no one is denying that.
But FFS. Being married shouldn't make your life harder.
Two kids who had a shotgun wedding after an accidental pregnancy.............it's hard to even take this "marriage" seriously. He's making it plainly obvious that he has no desire to be a father or a husband, so how long exactly should she knock herself out being his maid and concubine before she decides that since she's already acting as a single parent, she can do it easier without taking care of him too?
Nevermind. The opinions from a 3-month married "pro" and someone who would recommend a still recent post-partum woman get to having sex to keep her husband happy aren't that relevant.
Yes OP, if your husband can pry himself away from the video games to go to counseling, by all means give it a shot - it can't hurt. But counseling is no more magic than a wedding band is - it's not going to instantly transform an immature, disrespectul, unhappy a-hole into a loving and helpful husband and father. If he doesn't want to change, he's not going to. And divorce is way better than a life of misery, no matter what the holier-than-thous say.
Says the woman who wonders if she and her now-H should have just gone their separate ways and never gotten married in the first place because all they do is make each other miserable. Was it all about the pretty princess day for you? Do you think you get some sort of medal for staying in a miserable situation?
Yes, we are seriously having problems right now. It really does notmean that I will file for divorce. That will be my last resort. We said our vows and meant them. Sucks that after 3 months it already feels so difficult. It totally does make me wonder.. Ya I waited til I was 30 to have a pretty princess day. Get real
Yes, because no woman in the history of anything ever has gotten married just because "ZOMG, I'M 30! If I don't get married rightthissecond, it's absolutely impossible for me to ever get married which is the most important thing any woman could do short of pooping a baby out of her vag!!!!!". Right.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
So the only way to divorce is being hit or cheated on? Are you Fing kidding me? I guess the OP should stay with this man child, put up with his child behavior and raise a daughter to think this is okay. Then her daughter will have a higher chance of marrying someone just like Dad and the cycle repeats. But it's okay because he doesn't hit or cheat he just makes his wife miserable and feel like she isn't living up to his needs. Because this is a healthy way to live. Right.
See after 3 months of marriage it shouldn't be this way. But you go right ahead and waste more time trying to make it work. Add a kid or two to the mix, a house some cars and then when you are 5, 10 years down the road and so meshed, then get a divorce. But you can say you tried, of course it still didn't work. SMH
I refuse to believe your problems sprang up out of nowhere the day after you got married and have only increased in severity in the three months since.
I am not saying she should stay wth this man jsut because. Just saying she should try. Try everything possible to make it work. I do not see the bad in that! Seriously people used to get married that young all the time, they made it work. Divorce should always be the last final result, not the 1st thing to think. I don't see the problem in that. And no, you don't know my back story and obviously whats going on, there's always more to a story than is shown.
I think its great on here how there is one person asking for help and the other people get on eachother for saying anything. People are just giving thier opinions on what SHE asked about. She's going to listen to who she wants to listen to
Seriously? In different times people did different things, to compare what worked then to what works now is silly at best.
And what does "they made it work" mean, exactly? Were marriages truly happier when divorce was more taboo? Or did more people stay in miserable marriages because it was their only option?
And yes, that's the beauty of the Internet. People can post whatever problems they want to post about. People can respond in whatever way they choose to. And the person with the problem can either take the responses or leave them. If OP doesn't want to leave her husband, no one here can or would force her to. But unbiased opinions - which is all that anyone here can offer - are mostly that her husband is an immature boy who is barely out of his teens and is not ready or happy to be a father and a husband. Counseling isn't going to make him want it. He may or may not wake up next week and decide that he wants it. If she isn't happy with how he's acting, she's got choices. She doesn't have to stay and do all of the work plus get hounded for sex if she doesn't want to.
So why did you delete your post about your H lying to you and wanting a divorce after only three months?
Well golly then I expect all of the posters to never go to marriage counseling in the future or talk about how they feel and just file for divorce instead. Good luck with that. Anywho, we only have one side of this story. Babies are a huge adjustment and can fray the nerves of everyone involved. Everyone has deal breakers (ie cheating, physical abuse, etc) and everyone has the right to hold those up. It's each couple's choice to try to work things out or get a divorce at the first sign of trouble.. Nobody is suggesting that the OP should stay in a hellish marriage. But only the OP can make that judgment as she has all the information. Telling to leave without even trying (and regretting it later if they didn't try to work it out) just defies the laws of common sense.
OP, if not addressed your husband's behavior are definitely warning signs..any form of forcing himself on you, or repeated ultimatums, threatening, etc or refusing counseling then considering leaving would make suggest leaving/separating for awhile. If YOU (not other posters) decide you want to leave, there is no shame in thinking you should not have gotten married young and weren't prepared as a couple for having a baby so soon after marriage. Good luck!
How much of this with him is youth and horniness and how much of this is just plain wrong and alarming?
Preaching to the choir, twokidsmom. Easy to say, indeed.
Her problem right now is a guy who can't get it that he cannot have sex on demand.
OP - are you SURE that this is all solely 100% about sex? Or are you perceiving it this way?
You said in your first paragraph that until your LO was born you didn't know what love was and LO is your whole world - could that be part of the problem? I don't think that's healthy - and a relationship can really suffer for that. Yes, you've just had a baby. One baby. One. Not quintuplets with no help - you need to adjust and still be you, you still need to be a wife, a daughter, a friend - if you are now JUST LO's MOTHER and nothing else then I can see why your husband is feeling neglected. Maybe it's not just sex. Maybe it's not sex at all. Maybe it's a hug, a smile - a chat about something other than LO. Maybe it's an evening out for the two of you. Maybe you need to do something or say something to make him feel special too - that he's not just the financial arrangement of support for your new-found "love of your life".
I'm sure I'll get flamed for this - but I think that you need to approach this as a family building and bonding experience. He doesn't help you with the baby - why? Is he lazy? Disinterested? A complete jackass? Or is he uncomfortable with the baby - and if so, why? Have you criticized how he holds the baby, soothes the baby, feeds the baby? Or do you compliment him on it, encourage him and spend time WITH him and the baby together playing, cuddling, etc., the way that you would probably like him to do with you? Do you text him pictures of you and the baby during the day, saying that you miss him and can't wait until he's home for a cuddle? Or is he coming home to a stressed out wife that hands a screaming infant to him and then yells at him for not taking the baby on his own initiative so she can shower, eat and do normal human things?
I just think that there is always room for some self-reflection when you're looking at why others behave they way they do toward you, especially if there has been a recent change.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I agree with this.
I honestly couldn't get past the fact that this guy is neglecting his own baby daughter. Really, I could understand trying to save one's marriage under different circumstances but having to go to counseling to get a father get up his azz for his own child is pretty appalling. That's inexcusable behaviour, anyone would throw in the towel and I couldn't blame them, especially an exhausted, sleep deprived, unaided new mom.
OP I'm sorry for your troubles. You said yourself he's immature. Wishing you and your baby good luck.
im pretty new to the nest and usually like to read money matters, buying a home...etc but was looking to see what else was on some other trends and im kinda shocked at the way people are attacking on here. im also shocked at the quick jump to divorce.
mens second strongest desire is his sex drive...second to survival. thats a pretty big need to be ignored or discounted. i dont think that means a man should get it everytime he wants it but it should be a high priority in a marriage.
second it can take a lot longer for a man to bond with a child. especially one of thw opposite sex. remember we carry the baby in our body for nine months so we have a head start that comes almost instantly. dont punish him because its not instant. and in that regard...making him second and denying his needs will more than likely make it harder for him to build that relationship. he should be helping and doing his share of the parenting but make sure that you help foster that and not take complete control. it is sometimes hard to allow the father to do somethings because he doesnt always do it "correct".
i am not an expert and do not know your situation but i hope you fight for you marriage and learn to give a little. sex should not be used as a tool to control or get your way and i would encourage you to love him and give to him in anyway you can unconditionally and see what happens. give him 100% and see if he starts giving more of himself. if it were not for him you would not have your child and i have seen many marriages fail because the spouse became second to the child. marriage was designed to honor the spouse over all regardless if you choose to have children.
with that being said id sit down a talk to each other about what is important and how you can compromise to have a better life. regardless of why or how old you were you choose to become a team. you can never regret trying but you may regret throwing in the towel.
I came across this article last night and thought of you
http://unveiledwife.com/motherhood-and-marriage/
I couldn't agree more. No wonder the divorce rate is so horrible in this country. Marriage is a life long commitment. It is not something to throw away because your husband wants to be intimate with you and doesn't want to clean. Remember the reasons you love him. After all, at least he wants intimacy from you and isn't going out and getting it from someone else. Marriage counseling is a very good option and I think it would help you a lot.