Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: hello baby! goodbye marriage?
Well, given this guy's immaturity, selfishness and focus on sex, it's probably just a matter of time before he cheats because he isn't getting it at home. He sounds like the kind of "man" who would go get it elsewhere because boo hoo hoo, his wife isn't giving him sex because she's too busy taking care of his baby.
So I guess she won't have to worry about passing your 'divorce is ok' test pretty soon.
"Put up with his *** and give him what he wants, even if you are having an incredibly difficult time so he doesn't cheat on you!" is really terrific marriage advice.
All the counseling in the world isn't going to turn a whiny, immature 23 year old into a responsible husband.
Well it seems you have a lot going on there. Now...I know exactly where you are coming from EXCEPT for having a baby. Reason being is that my husband is a MARINE as well. He is 25, soon to be 26. I can tell you that most marines, though i have only been with one marine, are immature. All of my husband's friends are. Aside from having to fight for our country, they have it made. A guaranteed paycheck, the barracks if they aren't married and BAH if they are so they can have a house on base or off, and the ability to do whatever they want outside of work as long as it doesnt involve disgracing the Marine Corps. My husband is similar in that he wants to have sex almost all the time and he gets really butt hurt if i don't have sex with him. However, he has never threatened to leave because of it. The Divorce rate in America is higher than any other country in the world. The Divorce Rate in the Marine Corps is higher than any other branch of service. The reason being the couple gets married to young, they have children before they are married or within their first year of marriage, money, deployments, and cheating. That is why the Marine Corps is making it harder for couples to get married. You married him because you love him right? Not for the benefits or anything? If so, then i would set the divorce card aside. You have been married for a short time and being married can be hard on anyone. Its especially hard on military couples because of some of the things they have to deal with. I would suggest you see a chaplain. Or talk to a licensed therapist. If not for both of you, then for yourself. There is a book i want you to check out. Its called Love and Respect: The Love she most desires, The Respect he desperately needs. It is a book that my husband and i read through before we got married. It will point out some things you never even thought about. Some might ever shock you. For example: By you not caring at all about his feelings and what he thinks that he needs...you are showing him disrespect. Men don't take disrespect lightly, especially from their wives. By him not listening to your needs and helping...he is being unloving in your eyes. You two have just lost sight of what a marriage is all about. A commitment to love and cherish one another through thick and thin. It doesn't honestly matter if there is a baby in the picture. Something has to give.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Hate to say it, but thats normal behavior for a 23 year old. Sit down and talk with him. Explain to him you want to have a very important discussion. explain that maybe you wouldn't be too tired for him all the time if he helped you out once in a while. His pick, does he want to bond with the baby he helped create, or does he want to clean the house he helps dirty up. My first child is 5 months old. My finance and I went from at least 3 times a day to nothing for more than 8 weeks and I mean nothing. If he wanted something done, he took care of it, if you know what I mean. I thought something was wrong with me, but he is really supportive and helped me realize, hello, I just pushed out a 10 pound baby without any doctors help. It took 9 months for my body to get ready for his birth, why should I expect my body to be back to normal asap. If he's threatening to leave or cheat, tell him you know you can't stop him and he'll do what he thinks is right. Thats what you're doing right now, what you think is right. Your baby is only 6 weeks old, how else is she going to take care of herself, she depends on the people who brought her into this world, and if he won't help, you have to take control.
I feel for you and encourage you. I have no support either, other than my fiance. You sound like you're doing a great job on your own and I'm proud of you for not letting him get the better of you, take advantage of you or convince you to take care of his needs before your helpless newborns!u
I agree with PART of this. and only part. I agree that this guy is immature and that he needs to grow up. I agree it will take forever it seems to grow up. I agree he may NEVER grow up. BUT I do NOT agree that your first option is to leave him. I am sorry. I do NOT agree that this marriage was set up to failure. I do NOT agree that this is unfixable.
Let me tell you a little of my story. I am 22 years old. My husband is 27 almost 28. I married my husband 2 months ago, so maybe I am not an expert on marriage yet, but I trust my feelings and my husband's as well to keep at it. I had my son in October of 2011. He is almost 16 months old. I met my husband right out high school. I was 18, he was 24. We dated on and off for a while due to him leaving town and me being an immature freshman in college. He came back into town and got another local job and I was at his house all teh time so we figured why not? lets move in together. So i moved in with him. I just turned 20 that week. A month later i found out i was pregnant. I told him that I want to be with my baby's daddy forever but i wont stay if we are unhappy. (This is February btw) in April, we split up for 2 weeks. When I moved back, we realized that we really did want to be together forever and he proposed. We married a year an a half later and are really happy. So to the topic at hand. We had an unplanned pregnancy and we have problems. I was the one getting up with the baby, i was the one doing everything and i still am. I am too tired sometimes and i wish i wasnt half the time. I COMPLETELY understand where you (the original poster) are coming from. It is hard and it is even harder when you have a MAN breathing down your neck for sex and for this and that and it feels like you cant do it all. You are not overreacting at all. I still do everything around my house. and I feel like i cant do it all sometimes too. and i get frustrated. but you have to think, he didnt carry the baby for 9-10 months. YOU did. Your body knew there was a life growing before anyone else. He doesnt have that bond, he doesnt understand like you do. Its called Maternal Instincts. Every mother has them and every father doesnt as much as mothers. lol
The solution: seriously sit down and talk it out. Tell him what you want and have him tell you what he wants. Talk about the way yall really feel and if you reallly want to go further. Write it all down if you have to first and have him do the same. Seriously this is the best thing rather than leavign him. It just may be you aggitated right now, dont do something you would regret. Just talk it out. If yall arent meant to be together than you will figure it out by talking. Maybe you telling him what you want and need will show him what he needs to do to keep you. if he cant see or understand or still love you after, then leave him. but try to work it out first. Unplanned pregnancies dont mean doomed relationships. I promise.
A few issues with what you've said:
"that was when i realized that i had no idea what love was. since the second she was born she has become my entire world, which is the way it should be."
Umm...I think you mean this in a "I love her so much, it's insane!" kind of way, but your wording *is* very cold. And if you've ever said this to someone in front of your husband, I could understand why he's feeling a bit hurt. Your daughter should not be your entire world. That is a huge misconception. Your FAMILY should be your entire world. That includes your husband.
"he keeps saying that i need to make time for him and that i need to make him feel loved and all this stuff. and all i can think is, "are you serious that big of a child that you are throwing a hissy fit because im not having sex with you? can you really not understand that you are no longer my number one priority and that your sexual needs are so far down on my list its not even funny?""
You *do* need to make time for him. You *do* need to make him feel loved. I'm bothered by your reaction to his need/want to be affectionate with you. You poor thing, your husband wants to have sex with you and wants to be spending some time alone with you...how awful for you. I can understand that you feel stretched/busy, which is something that you should verbalize to him in a mature way, but he has every right to want to be spending some alone time with you.
"i really dont care that hes upset"
Really? Again...that's cold. So...you're saying that if it was the other way around, and your husband was completely ignoring you but spending all day with his new favorite person in the whole wide world...it wouldn't bother you at all? If this is the case, then you need to rethink your marriage.
If your husband was acting "immature" (as you put it) before the baby was born...what, you thought having the baby would miraculously change that? Was your baby supposed to be a problem-solver? Have you had a *mature* conversation with your husband (by mature I mean, leave out the accusations, the phrases "hissy fit", "selfish pig", and "angry pouty face") about what you expect from this marriage as far as the baby is concerned? I get the sense that you haven't. You go on and on about how immature your husband is, but your post is riddled with very childish remarks and snide comments about this man you're supposed to love, this man you share a child with.
If you're unable to have a mature, grown-up conversation with your husband, I vote couples counseling. But you need to look in the mirror and see yourself for what you are, and not just bash talk your husband to everyone like you're a saint yourself.
There are a lot of good points in this post.
OP, you need to remember that you have created a FAMILY, not just a baby, and that's what needs to be nourished and developed. Yes, you're tired, and yes, he could be helping out more, but if you don't tell him this - how will he know?
My children are 12 and 9, and there was quite an adjustment to be made when they were born. My ex-H and I stopped communicating after 8 years of marriage. I took for granted that he'd know what to do to help me, and he thought I didn't need help if I didn't ask.
I've ended a marriage. It's the hardest thing in the world. We tried to make it work, but it wasn't to be. We're great friends now, and our kids know that above all else, they have two parents who love them.
You need to be a wife and a mother. Both. Not one or the other. It will take time - you are both adjusting to the new roles you're in. Have a conversation without yelling - that's the place to start.
Good luck.
Ive never posted here... Just been lurking. But I just wanted to say to OP that I'm sorry you're going through this. I have been through something very, very similar. And it took extreme measures (calling off our engagement) for my boyfriend to change the way he was acting/treating me.
I agree with some of the PP, seek counselling (marital and individual!!). You'd be amazed by how much it really does help.
Good luck!
my babies