Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
A snake in the nest...
Let me give a little background info first: My husband and I have been married for four years, we have a child together, and like every couple we have had our ups and downs. We tend to communicate very openly and do not keep things from each other. I can be a very jealous person, my I have always trusted my husband.
Recently, hubby reconnected with an old flame on Facebook. They were together for 5 years, and were each other's "first." He is looking for connections to his past, like friends from high school and he happened to stumble across her page. They have been talking online for several days and started text messaging thereafter. Last week she called his cell around 1am to talk about some problem she is having. I thought that was really inappropriate, after all, if I were a single a woman I would not be calling a married man late at night.
After that, I told him I was not comfortable with this and he informed her not to call so late. He then put a password lock on his cell phone. A few days went by and she actually sent me a friend request on FB. I was flabbergasted, hubby said that it would be "great" if we could all be friends. He wants to set up a meeting date with her. I told him I would try to come around to the idea. I do trust my husband, I have never been given any reason not to, he has always been forthcoming about things.
Today, I found that he has been drawing portraits of this other woman, he had photographs of her that he was drawing from. When I approached him about it, he got upset that I had invaded his privacy. He said that she requested he draw the picture for her FB profile. We had an explosive argument about her presence in our lives. Now, I feel terrible. I feel as if I am driving him away, that I am not allowing him to have friends.
The biggest issue for me is that I do not know anything about her aside from the fact that he was ready to marry her when life separated them, and he went through a terrible depression following the split. He keeps journals, and has allowed me to read them in the past so I know his side of the story; that he was madly in love with her and he did not want to split up. I don't know her side of the story, if she harbors some emotion for him, if she is trying to rekindle the old flame, I don't know if she is trying to threaten our lives here.
And all of that is beginning to wear me down.
What do you think? Am I just being a jealous and neurotic woman? Would you be okay with your husbands behaving like this? What should I do? I don't want to tell him not to be friends with her, but I also don't want it to be a negative force driven between us. I feel like a crazy person.
Help.
(I just posted in the regular forum then saw this section, I can't delete that one.)
Recently, hubby reconnected with an old flame on Facebook. They were together for 5 years, and were each other's "first." He is looking for connections to his past, like friends from high school and he happened to stumble across her page. They have been talking online for several days and started text messaging thereafter. Last week she called his cell around 1am to talk about some problem she is having. I thought that was really inappropriate, after all, if I were a single a woman I would not be calling a married man late at night.
After that, I told him I was not comfortable with this and he informed her not to call so late. He then put a password lock on his cell phone. A few days went by and she actually sent me a friend request on FB. I was flabbergasted, hubby said that it would be "great" if we could all be friends. He wants to set up a meeting date with her. I told him I would try to come around to the idea. I do trust my husband, I have never been given any reason not to, he has always been forthcoming about things.
Today, I found that he has been drawing portraits of this other woman, he had photographs of her that he was drawing from. When I approached him about it, he got upset that I had invaded his privacy. He said that she requested he draw the picture for her FB profile. We had an explosive argument about her presence in our lives. Now, I feel terrible. I feel as if I am driving him away, that I am not allowing him to have friends.
The biggest issue for me is that I do not know anything about her aside from the fact that he was ready to marry her when life separated them, and he went through a terrible depression following the split. He keeps journals, and has allowed me to read them in the past so I know his side of the story; that he was madly in love with her and he did not want to split up. I don't know her side of the story, if she harbors some emotion for him, if she is trying to rekindle the old flame, I don't know if she is trying to threaten our lives here.
And all of that is beginning to wear me down.
What do you think? Am I just being a jealous and neurotic woman? Would you be okay with your husbands behaving like this? What should I do? I don't want to tell him not to be friends with her, but I also don't want it to be a negative force driven between us. I feel like a crazy person.
Help.
(I just posted in the regular forum then saw this section, I can't delete that one.)
Re: A snake in the nest...
Very inappropriate. She was dead wrong.
The second she called at that hour, why did he even get the phone???
And the second she stated the nature of her call he shold have said "Mary, sorry: I can't discuss this with you; it just isn't right. Good luck with your problem getting solved" and ended the conversation.
This friendship with her needs to go. It's passing strange and it is not a friendship. Period.
What he can say to her he can also say in the presence of his wife.
Left the room? That's bullshit. And secretive.
Short with you because he's becoming closer with her.
Time to show him the door. Even if you tell him to stop -- and he does -- you have no assurance that he is no longer in contact with her.
I'm not concerned about them starting an affair or anything - she lives 150 miles away from us. But emotional infidelity is very real, and THAT is what I fear. I won't let this destroy my marriage but it is starting to get in the way. Every time I bridge the topic, he gets snappy and storms out. Today for instance, he stormed out of the room because I said "I just can't handle the fact that you're chatting with someone whom you used to fu*k!" Inappropriate yes, but it was getting heated. We have never fought like this before.
Oh yes, I totally agree with you. The jealously on my end needs to be nixed asap, it mostly stems for a self-conscious side of me. I'm at a loss though because I have never dealt with something like this before. I had an ex who cheated on me with a mutual friend and I did not find out about it until months after it began. So I feel uneasy about hubby forming a friendship with an old flame.
What? Why does your jealousy need to be nixed? Jealousy is a way of letting you know that something is wrong, and in both your husband's case and in the case of your ex, something was indeed very wrong. Why is it a problem that you're having a natural human reaction to f*ckery on these men's part?
This is as asinine as telling a starving person that she needs to work on being less hungry.
I think that my self esteem issues need to be nixed. Maybe I am being too sensitive because of the past experiences with dishonesty. I don't want to let this be the decline of my marriage - I want to fight for it! I just don't know exactly what to do. We have not spoken since we had our fight this morning, and I don't like it.
Where she lives?
It isn't going to matter. She could be in Timbuktu but here is the point: what he is doing is wrong. He knows it's wrong and he's doing it anyway.
But we don't go popping off and carrying on an emotional affair with them, once the resurface to say hello.
It's Hi how are you and nothing inappropriate after that.
What he is doing is unacceptable. And you need to realize that.
And if it turns out he never got over her, I think it's best you cut your losses and go. You can't compete with that and who wants to be a second choice and second fiddle?
Of course he doesn't think it's wrong, because he doesn't care at all how this makes you feel.
If you want, you can give him one last chance. Show him this thread. Tell him that he's making you feel like she's his true love, and you're some substitute nothing that he married because he couldn't have her. Tell him that this is not how a good husband makes his wife feel, ever, not even for one minute. Show him what we all think of what he's doing.
My guess is that he'll keep on mooning over this other woman, because he doesn't give a damn how anything makes you feel. But I'd love to be wrong.
BTW, the "snake" is your husband. Just wanted you to know that HE'S the one choosing to ruin your marriage.
It takes two people to "fight" to "save" a marriage - I really don't understand what you mean by saying that you'll continue to fight for it, while he's showing you how little he actually cares.
Some self-esteem would be awesome for you, but like Kuus said, it'll make you less tolerant of bullshit like this, trust me. Not that that's a bad thing at all.
It's normal to be uneasy when your SO is spending time with someone they used to love or sleep with. It's not good to be so jealous it impairs your ability to function, be social, give him some space, etc.
My FI is still friends with many women from his past and i've met a few at different times. In those cases he makes sure I'm the focus of his interest, he makes sure I'm OK, he is respectful if I just need to leave the situation for some reason, etc. He puts me first.
In this case, however, your husband is putting you second and acting VERY suspiciously. I would insist on an OPEN heart-to-heart about how this feels to you, what you're going through, how scared you are for your marriage, etc. He needs to hear that this isn't just 'reconnecting with some old ex/friend casually'. This is suspicious, guilty-looking, sketchy behavior.
He likes to use my friendship with a man I dated against me every time I bring it up. Mind you, this man and I went on 3 dates, 7 years ago, and have been friends ever since. I think every time I tell him "I don't like that." he thinks it's code for "Do that even more!" Because all day, he's been ignoring me and posting comments and crap on her FB. Gah, I hate FB!
Really? You are going to blame yourself for ALL of your H's inappropriate behaviors? Jealous? F that, this isnt about jealousy it is about your SNAKE of a H having an inappropriate relationship right under your nose. Of course he is turning the guilt onto you...thats what snakes do.
I do not see this ending well for you., Your h is in love with his X and you have now become 2nd fiddle and the enemy.
Do not minimalize this and think there is something wroing with you!
In addition to a jerk, he's also a junior high school girl:
He likes to use my friendship with a man I dated against me every time I bring it up. Mind you, this man and I went on 3 dates, 7 years ago, and have been friends ever since. I think every time I tell him "I don't like that." he thinks it's code for "Do that even more!" Because all day, he's been ignoring me and posting comments and crap on her FB. Gah, I hate FB!
And he pulls this "neener neener" sh!t on you, too, just like a junior high school girl.
The sooner you are rid of your H the better off you'll be. FFS, what you described is a great deal different than what is transpiring now: he's a married man doing something a married man is not supposed to do.
Screen shot all of his little FB "status updates." Methinks you'll need it for the divorce attorney.
Tarpon is on point.
him having contact with someone he slept with knowing you're not ok with it is disrespecting you.
Who calls at 1 am unless it is a dire emergency? Nobody at all.
You'll have no reassurance that if he ends contact with her the contact will end. And even if it does, you already cannot trust him.
He's already violated an unspoken code: you only discuss intimate things with your spouse. And you are not to discuss somebody else's intimate problems with that person who is having the problem.
Jealousy is only a problem when it is irrational. Sometimes it is a very good indicator that something is amiss. You have a post full of ladies telling you you are not being irrational, and that something is rotten here.
Have you tried to think about this from a different perspective. If a dear friend of yours was going through this with her husband would you be blaming her jealousy? Would you be defending the husband? Or would you be looking up divorce lawyers for her?
It's often very hard to see the reality of situations like this when we're IN them. That's something counselors can help immensely with. Have you talked to your friends? What do they think? Anyone who loves you would be outraged at this behavior by your husband. We're outraged and we're strangers! If you can't hear it from us, talk to your mother, your best friend, your close women friends who will be brutally honest with you because they love you too much to lie to you.
Good luck. This totally sucks.
Bullshit if you think FB is the problem. He would eventually have found her even if there was no FB. There's lots of ways to track down old classmates, fallen away friends, etc -- the internet isn't always needed. It's a small world out there.
OP - it wasn't my intent for you to take the jealousy comment and run with it. It doesn't change the fact that your husband is WRONG. DEAD WRONG. No matter how you slice it. (I'm simply saying that it appears there were some issues before this and there will be a slew of issues after - assuming he stops being a f*cking d*ckhead - and you should consider counseling if you want to stay in this marriage).
Just didn't want you to think I (or anyone) thinks you are to blame.
He's arguing incessantly with you over this person. That's bad news. He knows this bothers you and he knows that this is wrong, yet he's still doing it.
No amount of arguing or begging or bargaining (or counseling) is going to banish this other person from your lives and it won't make him into a happily married man.
A guy who has inappropriate contact with another person is not a happily married man.
You're going to have to decide where it is you want to go from here.
Counseling for yourself would be a great idea. Maybe a therapist can knock some sense into you and show you just how wrong your H is.
This is adultery, even if it is *only* inappropriate contact. And as we all know, adultery is a dealbreaker.