Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Loving an Addict (loooong)
A little back-story: My husband and I are high school sweethearts, we have been together for 11 years married for almost 5. One year in college he experimented with drugs, alcohol and pills. I was completely clueless to this because he kept it a good secret. He came to me about it and he cleaned up and we went to addiction counseling together. Things were good. Over the next couple years before being married, he started to get panic attacks and had bad anxiety to where he was put on medication. After we were married his medications kept growing and he started abusing multiple varieties of anxiety pills, and pain pills. Off and on it was a problem, him not being 100% himself at times, and the lies that came with the addiction to them. During one of his sober months, I was ignorant to the fact that he would stay sober and we got pregnant and had a baby girl July 2011. During my pregnancy he over medicated himself with pills and I heard every story in the book of him going to stop and he would, but then over medicate again. Because of the amounts he was taking then going cold turkey constantly, he had a seizure November 2011 and was confronted by his doctor with me in the room that he had been seeing two different doctors getting multiple prescriptions. He went into an out-patient rehab for 2 months and then a continuing program for another 4. Those 6 months were great for him, cost us a lot of money, the best 6 months of him actually being himself and sober but yet he was depressed. His doctor put him on an anti seizure med, different anxiety meds and pills for depression. Things were getting better and he was not abusing his prescriptions. I thought the seizure was finally the wake-up call he needed and that we could move forward. We had to fly out of state for a funeral in May and he flew back 2 days early because he couldn?t miss work. When I and the baby got home I caught him with prescriptions for pain meds, muscle relaxers, ADD and anxiety. He claimed of hurting his back. The relapses continued. He would go to an addiction recovery meeting here and there but continued to relapse at least every other month. He said he was majorly depressed and took a leave of absence from work. During this time he continued to over medicate. Only after 4 days back at work, in October, he had another seizure, this time while he was driving and totaled our car. Thankfully no one was hurt except bruising and cuts on himself from the impact hitting a wall. Reasoning behind this seizure was a certain pain med. Because of his aches and pains from the accident his doctor added different pain meds and put him back on the anti-seizure med. He abused the pain med to no end to where towards the end, I would have to just step over him passed out on the floor for 7 days straight. When his doctor finally said he would no longer prescribe it to him, he checked himself into a detox center and they released him after 3 days. We started seeing a marriage counselor and he went to AA meetings. I caught him multiple times with the same pills that caused his seizure, saying that they were left over ones that he kept. It has been a never ending battle with this addiction and only after 2 months of seeing the marriage counselor together he wouldn?t go. He has stopped going to meetings, not a counselor for himself, nothing. He has now turned to alcohol, cigarettes, tobacco and smoking these ?herbs? that he gets at a smoke shop for two months now. He will use up his entire anxiety meds in one week then wait until he can get another refill. All the meetings I have been too and professionals I talk to say there is nothing I can do, not to enable, so I don?t. I just want to know when do I end things when I know it?s the pills that?s making him this way not him? Where is my breaking point when at least one week out of every month I have to live like I?m a single mom, seeing him passed out, acting like a zombie and cleaning up the insane amounts of messes he makes because he is intoxicated? I am always mad, ignore him when he is on too many meds and I?m resentful when he is not abusing them for the time being. When he is not on meds he wants us to be happy and gets mad at me for not being nice to him and trying to control him. He acts like the problems we have are separate from his addiction. He says he wants us to work things out and that I need to work on myself. Lately our screaming matches are every morning in the car when I have to take him to work because we only have one car now. I feel like I cannot forgive anymore and don?t feel that he is even sorry for all that he has put our family through. He is my everything and the love of my life and have built this life of 11 years together. When he is not relapsing I want to be with him and he is the best father to our girl. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Re: Loving an Addict (loooong)
I can offer any help. What I can tell you is he needs this top smoking that crap from the smoke shop! That "herb" is bad news and could kill him. It's not regulated at all, contains more chemicals than a cigarette and its deadly stuff. He is better smoking weed than ever touching that fake crap at the store.
I'm sure Tarpon will have better advice but for now that fake herb stuff is the worst thing to smoke. It will kill and it will hurt his lungs and body more than any other drug out there. It's also not regulated because its supposed to be sold as incense not smoking material.
"Honey, I love you but not your habit. I and the child will be leaving, if and when you get clean and sober and can prove that you have been for a good long while, get in touch."
And GO.
This is no marriage for you and this is not a dad for your son or daughter.
AlAnon, STAT. Whether or not you stay with him, you need AlAnon.
ROFL is spot on about the herb; who knows what's in it? None of what is in it is "known" nor is what's known federally regulated.
What is keeping me is I know how good things can be. We started dating when we were 18. I had a few other relationships before him but he is my best friend. If I choose to leave him I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to remove myself and daughter from our home but I know he will not leave and his parents won't take him becuase they know that will not change him.
Then this is his Frankenstein monster to cope with.
Don't feel guilty about going --- staying with an addict will not only kill your self esteem and self worth, you'll also be bankrupted. He can put you into debt -- and don't ask what this will do to your child.
Addiction is a dealbreaker.
Every Nestie on this board will affirm that.
Leave and then file; and above all
Safeguard all of your assets. Money in accounts that he cannot touch; other assets inaccessible to him -- your jewelry, whatever else it is.
Get your financial ducks in a row and keep safe; just go -- go to your parent's home or anywhere else but stay there.
The problems ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not ever believe it is your fault.
You can take the addict away from a substance, but they will still be an addict, as you are seeing. Unless he is willing to treat the underlying reasons WHY he is an addict and quit all addictive substances(because an addict will always be an addict)forever, well...
All those professionals are right.
He doesn't want to work on your marriage, and he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem.
I'm sorry. He can be a good father when he visits. Which is basically what he does now.
He is not your best friend. His best friend is drugs and you are best friends with an illusion.
He needs to hit bottom. He will not hit bottom if you keep bailing him out and cleaning up his messes.
He will continue to use drugs. You can not stop him. There are no magic words or prayers or love or hopeful thoughts that will make his addiction go away. If there were, there would be no addicts, because each addict has parents, siblings, significant others and friends who are talking, praying, loving and hoping that they get sober.
Go to Al-Anon. Go tonight. Listen to the stories of everyone else. You will hear your own story over and over and over again.
He will get into another car accident. He might kill someone this time. That person might be the other driver or you or your child. How can you put your "love" for this addict above the welfare of you or your child? If he kills you, who will care for your child? The addict? From jail? If he kills your child, how will you live with yourself?
I know you feel that leaving him will hurt him and hurt your child. But how much more painful will it be if your child is injured while in the care of your addict? Or worse?
YOU must fight for your child. There is no one else who can. You MUST let him crash and burn and hit bottom and realize that he must get sober for himself and his child.
If he doesn't get sober, your child is better off with a loving, single mother than a wreck of a woman permanently shackled to an addict - living a life full of fear and loathing, worrying about his next slip, suspicious of every late night -- every ounce of energy given over to the care and maintenance of an addict. Give that love and attention and energy to your child.
A guy that dated a friend of mine had a drug addiction and an alcohol addiction. He also used LSD to the point where his docs think it shot his short term memory to hell.
His kidneys started to fail and he developed a myriad of health problems, cardiac and other. In the end, he blew up like a balloon and went into cardiac arrest. The cardiac arrest is what ultimately finished him off. He was about 50 when he died.
When he died, he was clean and sober for about 15 years.
Indeed your H needs a rock bottom moment. It doesn't sound like he's had one yet --- leave him and he might have one. Then again, he might not have one at all if you do leave his ass.
His drug problem is NOT your problem; it is his.
Do what's best for your child and you and leave this jerk. You can't fix him; he's the one who has to realize that he has an addiction and he needs to get clean and sober.
YOU need to go to therapy...alanon...something to teach you that you can not control him and you have to stop enabling him. You have to learn that in order to be in a happy relationship you BOTH have to be involved. Your H is only involved in his addiction. Your child deserves to grow up in a healthy enviroment, you are hurting your child by staying.
Best friends dont treat each other like this...your fairytale is not real.
What if your child is in the car with him next time he is high or has a seizure? What happens if he harms your child?
Your duty is to keep your child safe and you are not doing that,
I picked him up from work today and we had a good convo on me being at the end and that I need to leave if he isnt getting help and stopping for good. he says he called his counselor and cant get in for 2 weeks. I told him that wasnt acceptable. he talked about how he knows he cant do the alcohol and the herbs hes smoking isnt good. But as soon as we got home he smoked them, was not 100% normal and has been out in the garage all night saying that hes fine just buzzed and at this point he isnt even stressed that im leaving him and I think its not even hitting me yet that now its my only option.
I'm so sorry thar you're going through this right now. Good for you for recognizing that leaving is your only option; he's clearly not ready to change. Get yourself and your child out now. Good luck and I hope all works out in the end. I do know people who have been in recovery for decades and have every intention of staying sober for their families. Hopefully, he can be one of the stories with a good ending.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussLeave for your sanity's sake and the sake of your daughter.
And leave because addiction is a dealbreaker.
I agree with the PP.
I have a question for you.
How much are you going to love him when he hurts your child? That accident in the car could have happened anytime and your daughter might be in the backseat next time. Those "herbs" he is smoking cause people to do horrific things to people. So you need to really think who is the most important person in my life? I hope it's your child and not her addict father.
It is her addict father for sure
Your DH needs to hit rock bottom and WANT to get help. You leaving and taking your child with you is the best thing for everyone and the safest thing.
Unfortunatly I have been on the other side due to multiple surgeries, including brain surgery. I kind of got in over my head and it took stealing to get pills for me to realize I had a problem. I put myself through detox and joined NA, obtained a sponsor and am currently working the steps. I am 8 months sober and life has been great since I have decided to get sober. Just because I am an addict does not mean I can never take narcotic pain meds again or to incompetent to be in a happy Marriage. My husband has been extremely supportive. I've had to had another surgery since joining sobriety and I relequished all medication to my DH and he kept it locked in a lock box with the key on his person at all times. If I was in pain, I had to ask his permission for more medication, which he would give me, if it was time. I was not allowed any additional refills, and to keep myself accountable I had to tell each doctor/surgeron about my addiction.
I know living with an addict is difficult but it can be done. However, he has to want to change. If he is not ready to stop abusing pills/alcohol/smoking then leaving and doing what is best for you and your family is what you need to do. He will never change if he doesn't have a reason to change. I know how hard it is to change behavior and opioid abuse is more about your brain trying to convince you that you need the drug and to do whatever possible to get it.
This is something that is really hard to talk about but if it can potentially help you, I am willing to put myself out there. If you need someone to talk to you can always PM me. I wish you good luck and I really sincerely hope things work out for the best for you and your family.
Good, fock your first husband
no , its not good. I hated that he had to pass away and we were in the process of divorce so I became a widow instead. I would rather him have lived and me moved on. I always want to see the good in people. The last time I saw him I basically told him I wasn't mad anymore at him, I needed to move on for me, and hopefully you can get the help you need. 1 week later he was gone and I was even more devastated. I still think about him, but that part of my life seems so long ago like a distant memory (nightmare) I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. PP - Make sure you DH has great Life insurance right now ($250,000 would be awesome)
I am sorry.
You cannot make an addict stop.
If it were me, I would leave him.
Whether you decide to stay or not, please go to alanon. This is very important.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Excellent advice.
I am not married to an addict but my brother is one. I wanted to tell you that the idea of rock bottom is not something to hang your hopes on. In fact I don't buy it, b/c most addicts hit many lows and continue to make the same bad choices. My brother ended up in jail with an 18 month sentence for multiple DUI's and drug charges. After 3 months he was so repentant, they even gave him work release, his boss agreed to come get him every day and return him. 10 months later he was released and while it was a relief to have a sober brother, after 6 months he was back to drugs and struggling. He's lost his job and claims to be sobering up again, he missed too many parole meetings and may be going back to jail.
My point is, he meant everything he said sober, that he wanted a clean life, hated himself on drugs, etc. However he choose to make choices that meant the opposite of those things. Addicts choose themselves no matter how they feel sober. Your husband does love you and your child and he wants the things he says, but he will always choose himself over you both. He's selfish, he likes the way the drugs make him feel. He wants that more then you, period. To break this cycle you've been in you both have to want it, he does not. Those tears are not real, they are emotional blackmail. Do enough and she'll come back, but I don't have to change and won't.
Whose name is the car in? If it is yours or both go get it, seems like he totaled his car. Separate your accounts now! Get off credit cards tonight and open your own. He will escalate this to get you back, but it will not be worth it. Meet with a lawyer, you do not need to divorce but you need to get legal separation papers filled.
If he says he is going to change, great. HOWEVER, do not take him back, sleep with him or act romantically towards him. He needs to do this on his own and be sober for at least a year. When you feel he has been sober for a certain length of time you can do couples counseling and slowly work on things in order to repair your marriage (if you still want that). Seeing his kid is find but you need to be there and keep it about that only, if he is hostile or angry then at your parents house where you are safe. Addicts get dangerous when their lifestyle is threatened. If he gets dangerous protective order so that he can't see you or his child.
Stop crying and focus on protecting yourself or you are going to be broke and in worse shape. Finances, place to stay, job and legal matters researched and looked after. If you love him then you need to do this for everyone involved (including your child). Remember he is choosing himself and you are choosing your family. Do not believe a word he says addicts are liars and you've experienced years of manipulation, you can't trust yourself or him. While in therapy find some meetings, AL-ANON would be helpful.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Good for you. Be safe. Don't worry, next session will be better. I will be thinking of you.