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Losing faith in my marriage
Hey everyone! I need some serious advice. I will try not to make this a book, but I am pretty upset right now. My husband and I have been married 2 years and together for 10. We have our good and bad days as most people do. We normally are able to regroup right away after a fight and get back to what really matters but this time I am not so sure. We have been doing a lot of fighting about money and sex. I am in charge of running the house and keeping it the way I like it and need it CLEAN and Organized. I also am in charge of the laundry, grocery shopping, sometimes cooking, and making sure the bills are paid on time. This is stuff I took on because my credit is very important to me and I have never paid a bill late. My husband just never thinks about stuff like that. I had to take all the cards away because he just would swipe and not even think about what he spends. He also is developing a drinking problem so this way I can control how much he drinks. Now I know I am going to hear a lot of negative things but please understand that I love this man and we are far from perfect. So while dealing with everything I am also on a bunch of meds right now for health reasons and it brings my sex drive way down. Like I never want it, but put out when I see my DH getting frustrated.
Well today DH got all over me because I keep forgetting to give him cash. I agree that it sucks because he has no cards. However he was demanding more money then we could afford not that he knows that cause he never bothers to understand our bills or money flow. I was already on edge from the fight we had last night about not having enough sex. I honestly am doing the best I can, but again my meds kill my sex drive and leave me feeling kind of sick. He doesn't really seem to care. Well after going to the bank and taking out half of what he asked for He lost it. He demanded his card back. I said he could have it if he was willing to be a part of our budgeting. He said nothing. So clearly doesn't want it that bad. He then screamed to stop the car, I was going 40. When I didn't he pulled the break and jumped out. I am not sure what I am really looking for here, maybe just to vent. But I feel like I have given so much to this marriage and he is un willing to meet half way on anything. He was not always this way. I am a girl who loves travel, loves growing as person, I love to help others and am very spontaneous. He use to be the same. Now he hates doing anything.
I feel like the man I married and loved for 10 yrs is gone. I just have this un caring, un moving man who can?t see that I need help around the house and with bills and dealing with my health. I have had so many talks spelling out what I need and he only focuses on the amount of sex he is going to get. I don?t feel like a team I feel like his slave or worse his mother. Not attractive also making me not want to be intimate with him. I want a man not a boy. Ugh advice?
Re: Losing faith in my marriage
Thank you for taking the time to read this. However I don't think you can say someone doesn't have much of a marriage based on this. I mean people fight, act foolish, and can be selfish. All people can. This is just one of those times. He is still the love of my life and for the most part we have a great marriage. This is just one of many hard times we will face as a couple. I was looking for advice not judgement.
But still input is what I asked for, so thank you.
Sounds like you are acting as his mother or warden. You should a little controlling and he sounds immature. Your both feeding on the other person's behavior. You clean b/c you want it done your way, that's a bit much. Is he incapable or a slob? Or is it just not up to your standards? I would be hard to like up to perfection.
That said, he needs to grow up and be an active participant in your relationship. Maybe you need to set up a separate (unlinked) checking account for his spending money. Let him do as he pleases with his money, when he is out it's gone and does not affect your bills.
As to the drinking and health I am not going to comment b/c there are not enough details. What you might consider too much drinking others would consider normal, so this may be a factor or it may be you trying to control his behavior. As to the sex, in the absence of a health problem you'd be having issues. No one would want to have sex in this disfunction setting.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Dos he stop being "the man you fell in love with 10 years ago" before or after you got married 2 years ago? If he started acting this way before you tied the knot, I don't know why you're shocked he didn't change who he was just because you got married.
Honestly, I don't really have much to say that wont inevitably covered by everybody else, but I AM going to point out that the fact that he threw a temper tantrum that led him to pulling the break and storm out of the car while you were driving alone is insane. He could have severely injured,or even killed, you, himself, or other people on the road. do you understand that? You and him aside, some innocent person (or people) could have been injured or killed because he was acting like a child.
And you really think the biggest problem here is your low sex drive and him being bad with money? Seriously?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
He and I didn't have problems until I went on the meds 6 months ago. I mean he did things that bugged me, but that is normal. Confused by the part that "He didn't change". He in fact changed. He didn't really act this way until after I started the meds. I agree him stopping my car like that was not ok. That's why I wrote on here. However this was on a back road where we were the only car on it. I don't think our sex or money problems is bigger then the car thing. I think its all bad. Why I am looking for some advice. This is not him. I honestly think a big part of the problem is his drinking. I have seen what long term drinking can do to a person. It can cause you to be depressed, make poor decisions, and react without thinking. Not to mention the long list of health concerns. I am in this 100% and don't believe in giving up on someone when they are in a bad place. That is why I am seeking advice on how to get him to see my concerns. Am I blameless in this? NO of course not. But I am trying to work through it.
As for the controlling comment. I am absolutely controlling at times. I raised myself pretty much and have things to still work on. However I don't think stopping my husband from spending all the money on booze is bad. He has a problem (well a start of one, I have seen the signs before.) I am trying to protect him and me. Drinking to much to me is needing it to get through his day. Drinking 12 beers a day and any other booze he can find in the house. Also he has an addictive personality so he has to be more careful then most people. He is also immature at times, no one is perfect 100% of the time. I just don't know how to make him see that if he doesn't like how things are then he needs to step up and help. You don?t like have an allowance, I don?t blame him. However if you can?t control your spending ( WE have tried every kind of budget for him, it just doesn't set in.) Hell just look at monthly statements and see what we have, but he doesn't want to know. I just want the man I married back. The man who when we came home from work would then help me around the house. The man who found happiness in life and not a bottle. The man who would never make me feel guilty for being sick. He is frustrated that he can?t make me better. He is frustrated that his wife is not the same. I understand all of that. But right now I can?t change the affect my illness has on our sex life, I am doing the best I can.
Are you kidding?
This is a joke right?!?
Let me get this straight, you took away his cards and his ability to withdraw money from the bank? He has to ask his WIFE for money? You like this because you can control his drinking by controlling his money but don't like it because he throws an adult sized fit when you say no or give him what you can afford.
I love Camel Lights and we had a great relationship for 10 years but in the end they would kill me. So we parted ways, you may love this guy but in the end he is going to bankrupt you. Best to part ways and find a man.
I guess I made the mistake of posting this as instead of advice I get judgement. I didn't post every detail because it would be so very long. He gave his cards up willing and never complains cause he knows that I would give them back if he chooses to be apart of setting the budget. He was mad cause in my crazy week I forgot to give him any cash.
I don't understand people today who so easily say "Get a new man" or take on rough patch and are so quick to judge. I do not need a new man, I tool vows and I meant every word of them. In sickness and in health for richer or for poor. I believe in fighting for my marriage. That being said he did toss a fit and that is not ok.
We are still very young and have many lessons to learn, Am I the only one who has ever hit a rough patch in a relationship? I try not to judge people. but rather offer a ear to listen and kind constructive advice. Sorry that so many couldn't understand that I was not looking for husband bashing, but rather an outside perspective. If this is how this board works then that's fine my mistake. But seriously I have read a ton of comments on other posts that again is just judgmental and not constructive. Are we not all here to help others by offering advice based on lessons we have learned?
Yes I did hit a rough patch. I ignored the warning signs that were very similar to your husband's (down to taking away his credit cards) until I found myself picking him up from the drunk tank not once but twice with DUIs. And then he disappeared for a few weeks, his dad had to hire a private investigator to find him and turns out he'd been having an affair for about nine months.
I was prepared to do whatever it took to keep our marriage together, but looking back, I realize that I was enabling that behavior by trying to be the one to always give in and put in 110%.
I understand you feel defensive. But you have to realize that some of us HAVE been offering advice based on lessons we've learned. Sorry it's not the advice you want to hear, but there really isn't any magic way to get the husband you want. He will either change his ways or he won't. Odds are he won't. You have to decide whether you want to live with that the rest of your life or not.
There are people who don't understand the difference between a normal rough patch, and a relationship dynamic so completely crazy and screwed up that the only way to right it would be to lobotomize the people in it. You are one of these people.
We are giving you an outside perspective, and offering advice based on lessons we've learned. And what we've learned is that relationships shouldn't make your life worse and more stressful, that the rough patches are about external circumstances adding stress to a good relationship, not the relationship itself being the problem.
This is my first time posting on here. I generally just read others' posts but feel the need to give advice on this because it sounds like what I went through with my soon to be ex husband. My ex was terrible with finances, he used his credit cards till they were almost maxed out. The worst part was I had absolutely no idea till we went to buy a house and I had a credit check done. We had what I thought was a very long, calm discussion about it and he voluntarily gave me his credit cards for safe keeping. I did not ask him to, it was his idea. We set up a budget together, he started using cash for everything. He would struggle with it but I thought everything was okay. . . Then something changed. He became edgy and short all the time but I couldn't figure out why. Then one day he announced that someone stole his identity and he had to have his cards cancelled and reissued. Flash forward a couple months and I discovered that he was actually using his credit cards again. I sat him down again and calmly discussed with him the money issues, but beyond that the trust issues that I had with him lying and hiding all of this. He apologized and said he didn't want to lose me because of this. A week later I got a phone call from him announcing that he wanted a divorce then broke off all contact for 3 weeks. I could go on forever with this but I won't because my problems are not your problems, however there is a common theme. There was a larger issue for us that was never addressed, because I didn't see it until it was too late. His chronic spending is just a part of a larger problem. It might be stress induced and is a coping mechanism, maybe he's spending the money on something other than alcohol that he doesn't want you to know about, it could even obsessive compulsive, or any number of things. There might be an underlying problem that is being masked by his spending and alcohol use that should probably be addressed before it escalates into something that neither of you can handle. The whole lack of sex thing was an issue with us too but after everything was said and done, I found out that that was just an argument that he would use to combat the legitimate concerns and issues that I had with him.
Bottom line, not saying you should just dump him and walk away. But there's more to the problem than you probably see right now. Therapy might help either together or just you. I went after my ex walked out and while I didn't necessarily need help coping, it did help me to look at the relationship analytically and see the problems for what they truly were. The therapist I saw picked up on my ex's issues immediately, including ones that I had no idea of before but confirmed to be true later on.
Hoping things work themselves out. Best of luck.
I got as far as this:
He also is developing a drinking problem so this way I can control how much he drinks.
"and that was all she wrote,"as they say.:(
Do not accept being married to somebody who has an alcohol problem.
He needs AA and you need AlAnon.
I don't know how much drinking he is doing but if it makes you uncomfortable or you just do not like it, then he has a drinking problem.
The drinking is bad enough -- and I will bet you that is where his money is going: to the barman.
Demand he get help for his drinking and tell him that if he does not, you are history. And then let him make the decision right there on the spot. If he picks the booze, you pick the door.
And do safeguard your assets. This guy will spend you into the poor house and the barman will get the lion's share of the money.
GL.
You can't turn him into a clean and sober good guy who has a good head on his shoulders about finances and you can't turn him into a guy who is empathetic to your chronic problem.
Leave him because he is a drunk.
That's my advice.
I know a guy who is well into his adulthood and he is just like your H when it comes to finances. This guy won't grow up, either --- he's got a spending problem and nothing can change that, except, I think, a whole lot of therapy and a whole lot of growing up overnight.
He does the same thing your H does: terrorize whoever it is that's in the path of his spending. Your H stopped the car and jumped out? This is bad news; he's way out of control -- and of course you know that when you marry, you and your spouse are mature equal partners. Tha'ts not what's happening here; you're policing his spending and this is like a mother and son kind of thing, inasmuch as you have to watch him like a hawk when it comes to anything money.
This is no way to live.
I am sure that he had a problem with money when you and he were in your dating days. And when you found out this guy couldn't hold onto a pot to pizz in, you should have said goodbye.
After your update this is where I am (from your OP I didn't get the impression that it was as bad as you describe). Now that I have a better picture of his behavior I think you really need to look at where this is headed. Nothing you do or say with ever change his behavior and trying to control your bank accounts is not going to fix anything. You want to make it work but it does not sound like he feels the same. Some things are just harder to see while your are experiencing them first hand.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
You could have the entire Navy SEALs platoon guarding your money and his at this point but if he wants to drink, you can bet he'll find the money to do it hook or by crook.
And that reminds me:
Run a credit check on yourself an on him, immediately.
Equifax and many others give free credit checks.
Also not good news: Chronic illnesses are tough for a spouse to hack. Many marriages are strained or break up due to a chronic illness that one of the partners has.
As I said, he can masturbate., He's leaving it up to intercourse with you only and he's blaming YOU for a problem you cannot control. Where did you get this jerk?
And as i said:
Safeguard your assets. Make sure he cannot touch your money or your credit cards or ATM cards or any other liquid assets you have on hand -- even your fine jewelry.
Addictions, even *just* the alcohol addictions, can be a nasty and sh!tty thing....and since an addiction is a dealbreaker, make yourself scarce and in a big hurry.
We are trying to help.
Let me tell you this, at the end of life you won't and aren't getting a Gold Medal for anything. None of us are. So live your life in a way that is best and good and healthy for you.
He pulled a stunt while angry at you over you trying to save him from his own bad actions and choices. You want to be involved in this type of life with him? Fine your choice. But I REALLY hope you never have kids with him. WTH are you going to do when Daddy drinks away all the money and you can't get diapers, wipes or formula for your child? You think you two had a fight today? Think about it. You are facing a future of this same fight NEVER ending or going away. Good Luck
Do not think we are being mean and judgemental, we really aren't.
OP, I can assure you, you are getting advice right now. Sorry we're not all saying "Oh, honey, every marriage is just like this! You know how men can be! Just keep doing what you're doing ... okay, maybe start losing some weight and put some more effort into your make-up, I mean, let's face it, if you're not 100% perfect, you have NO business having complaints about him! But, truly, as long as you keep on keepin' on, one day he's just going to wake up being completely responsible with money, with no desire to drink, and will never throw a potentially deadly temper tantrum again! HUGS!!!!!"
But this ain't that kind of message board.
If you want validation instead of actual advice, you might want to try sending your question here instead: http://thatbadadvice.tumblr.com/
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
This isn't a rough patch.
He's got a booze problem and a spending problem and a vast immaturity problem. He can't expect you to put out like a machine, even if you were healthy as the proverbial horse! You're a wife and person, not a machine, as I said.
Let's all say for the record that he becomes clean and sober --- great! Now, what about his anger problem, his spending problem and his lack of understanding of your chronic illness problem?
Not a rough patch.
He also pulled that sh!t while the car was in motion! What a stupid, asinine and dangerous thing to do --- he's out of control. Not a rough patch.
And doesn't this guy work? You allude to the fact you give him money. And is this the way you want to live your life, living under a Sword of Damocles -- you have to police your husband's spending problem??? Not healthy and not a healthy marriage dynamic.
We aren't being mean -- you are getting honest advice and heed the advice in particular of those who have a similar problem to yours --- there will be somebody checking in whose spouse (or relative or close family member...or maybe themself) had a drinking problem. There is sure to be a person checking in and adding advice, who has/had a husband with a spending problem --- as i said, I know of a guy who is just like your H with spending and also with maturity: he has zero, and he is a guy in his 50s!
His problem never went away -- it got worse over the years.
You need to go to AlAnon. Do it tonight and talk to somebody there --- also try AA; there are meetings everywhere; speak to a sponsor there and tell him or her what is happening, He or she will tell you what you are doing is enabling and you've also got a nice sized codependency going on with your H, as well.
Neither bodes well for you or your future.
Put yourself first.
Wishing you luck.
He needs counseling. He sounds like a depressed, angry drunk. Also, if he is detoxing from an addiction he is going to be going a bit crazy.
I won't even touch the rest of the stuff.
You cannot make a relationship work by yourself. Either he gets help and changes, or all you effort means nothing. From someone who has been there.
And changing itself is a long road.
OP, can you just name one thing your H contributes to this marriage? Because he sounds like a child, quite honestly.
You do all the cleaning, laundry, bill-paying... what does he do? Drink, apparently. And you can't trust him with money. All adults should be capable of handling their own money if they're remotely worth being married to.
I just cant figure out if you love being the mommy more than he loves being the child.
when you decided to play house at such a young age, did you want to be the mommy or the wife?
you both are way too immature to be married,
There are very valid reasons why you are losing faith in your marriage: your husband is an alcoholic, has anger issues, and is completely irresponsible with both money and your day to day housekeeping stuff. You have your own issues and you are getting the meds and help you need-that's great. But guess what? He doesn't care, and he isn't helping you. Instead, he's making your life harder.
And the stunt with the brake? Holy crap that is dangerous! Ok, so what if the road wasn't busy? What if you spun out and slammed in a telephone pole or something? That is not only immature, it is crazy.
And Kuus is absolutely right about there being a difference between a rough patch vs. a bad relationship dynamic. This is an ongoing problem, not a rough patch. He doesn't sound like he wants to change.
Doesn't he work?
And if he does not, and you are supporting this waste of skin -- and he is doing zero to even find a job --- this is now a zero character issue. A man who is a man does NOT willfully and deliberately live off his better half.
He isn't attending school full time; he has not got a health problem that does not permit him to work; he is not a stay at home dad or stay at home spouse. You know what he is. And so do I.
Thiis is no life for you. Ditch him because of the booze.
dup
Please, if you take something away from this post - get some individual counseling for yourself. You are not in a healthy relationship and you cannot control his drinking. You are not going through a rough patch, you chose poorly in married partner.
Like MLE said, you do not get a gold star at the end of your life because you endured this relationship. This is YOUR life. You are responsible for YOUR happiness and if you don't take charge/control over your own actions, you will just be a bystander in watching your life go by.
Yup, I have to agree with everyone. Stop burying your head in the sand. This isn't normal day to day marriage stuff. This is serious.
You are right, no one is perfect, but there is a big difference between not being perfect and having severe character flaws. Character flaws go down to someone's core being and don't go away. I mean things might change for a short time, but they usually go back to being who they truly are deep down inside. This is who he is. He is an alcoholic, irresponsible, lazy, selfish, punishing, dangerous and cares little for others, even the person he vowed to put above all others. THIS IS WHO HE IS.
My advice is counseling. At the very least counseling for yourself, alone. You can certainly try marriage counseling, but I doubt you will see any lasting effects, again because this is simply who he is.