Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Losing faith in my marriage
Just trying to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, why didn't you stop the car when he asked you to?
Other issues and background info aside - why not just stop the car? You said you were on a dirt road with no other cars. He screamed at you to stop the car and you didn't. Did he ask you first? Did he tell you to stop the car, or was it a just random out of the blue screaming fit of rage?
Just trying to think about this differently - if my husband took all of my access to our money away (like a child), then took me to the bank and gave me only half of what I had asked for (?) and then continued to fight with me I'd be escalating and getting upset too. If we were fighting after all that and I asked him to stop the car so I could get out and he refused I would escalate further, feel trapped and controlled.
Do I agree with how he handled it? God no. That was reckless and dangerous and the situation had clearly escalated out of control.
But that then begs the question, why not just stop the car? He was very clearly communicating to you that he needed space and wanted to get away from you - but you controlled that too. I can see the path it took for him to blow up the way he did and how you contributed to it.
It looks from your responses that you are determined to stay with this guy (why, I have no idea, but whatever) - you cannot control his reactions, but you can control your own actions and responses which can work to de-escalate a situation rather than make it worse.
All you had to do was stop the car.
All you have to do is set up your banking differently. Have a joint account that your paycheques both go into automatically. Have a personal account for him that a percentage of his paycheque or a certain amount goes into automatically. That is his discretionary spending money. He has a card for it, can access it whenever he wants and it has no overdraft on the account. When it is at zero it is at zero. The joint account is for your expenses as a couple. Have your own discretionary account if you want as well. He'll learn to budget his discretionary account with natural consequences without an ill effect on your joint account, no? And he won't feel like a child being controlled by his mother.
You want to stop his drinking? Try more productive and supportive methods than controlling him with money. Counseling. Talking. Communicating. Finding out the root cause of his drinking - boredom? Fix that. Friends? Fix that. Work? Fix that. Fix it all WITH HIM, not for him.
Sorry for the novel.
But next time? Just stop the damn car.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Maybe you guys have just lost sight of the small things that really made you two adore each other? For the low sex drive, is it possible to talk to your doctor about a generic brand or possibly switch off some medications due to the side effects? For sure, go and talk to your doctor about what is going on with your personal life, surely there is something that can be done about that! Low to no sex drive is no fun for both parties!
As far as budgeting and money, is it possible for him to get a Visa Debit card that has a specific amoung on it? Like the $50 or $100 ones that you can buy from a grocery store, that way he has freedom to spend money, just not the ability to go overboard
If you think the problems may be deeper then money or sex, like losing focus with each other and growing apart, marriage counseling is always an option, or if yu attend a church couseling with a pastor would also help. Sometimes you need to have someone come in and make you step back and look at the whole picture, and get a different point of view.
What really is his reasoning for acting out and drinking? Is it becuase of the sex (which, lets be honest, EVERY guy, no matter how perfect they are, think with their male part ) or is he feeling trapped becuase of the money situation?
I think there is still plenty of hope for you two, you just unfortunately have hit on the two most popular subjects that come in-between a marriage: sex and money. Luckily, people have already figured out ways to fix these situations! Getting money advice, or marriage counseling, reading articles, asking family members/friends and figuring out which meds are your triggers for low-libido is a great start to solving these two problems, and they ARE solvable!
Don't give up on your marriage, if you fight for it, he will fight for it
Good luck!
You've got to be kidding me.
He's got an alcohol problem! Say goodbye and go if he refuses to get help for his drinking.
And why are you assuming this person's cleric is a pastor? Maybe they are Jewish, Wiccan, Buddhist or athiests!
What's there to fight for? She married a little middleschooler who cannot handle money --- she cannot change that --- and he's got a drinking problem. I see a lost cause and hopeless case on both fronts.
Spot on.
And this mirrors exactly what I said:
If he wants to drink, he will find the money for it, by hook or by crook. That is how an addiction works.
Which is why I strongly advised you to run a credit check on yourself and on him!
I read this whole thing and I think there is a lot going on here. But one thing is for sure: I can tell you are a fixer. You do everything to "fix" his flaws. You know he has an addiction problem so you monitor his access to alcohol, as if that will fix the problem. You know he spends like crazy, so you try to fix that by limiting his access to money. Now he is showing his true colors and you are trying to fix it. You KNEW this guy had these issues but you kept trying to force them to go away. That's not how life or marriage work. Commitment is important, and people should work things out with their spouse. But you are married to a man you cannot fix, and who will not work things out with you.you should have seen the red flags and run away, instead of trying to take those flags down.
Another sign you should not have married this guy: he clearly doesn't give a crap about your health issues. A real man would have understood your issues and worked with you on it. I was on a birth control years ago that made me have my period for three months straight. My poor husband was sex deprived but we found other ways and he never once got angry. Yours is becoming furious with you because you are not giving him what he wants. You are trying to fix his anger with you but the problem is that he is obvisly selfish and doesn't care about you.
Over all, to echo what all PPs said.... He is an addict who cannot be fixed by you. You need to get away from him. He will only get help when he is completely out of options. This is not the right guy for you at all, even if he wasn't an addict. You two have too many fundamental differences that you cannot fix.
He sounds like a little boy who threw a temper tantrum to get what he wants. I had the same problem you did. I controlled paying bills and DH racked up his Visa. The only difference between my H and yours is mine manned up and learned how to budget. He learned how to save his money to buy what he wants IN CASH. It took us a while to get there, but he is miles better than he was and we have a nice little chunk of change for rainy days. And our timelines are similar. We have been together 9 years and married 3.
Your DS needs a huge wake up call. He either needs to look physically at your budgets to see WHY you are allocating money where you are and to understand HOW you are losing money due to his spending habits.
My hubby, when he wants more money, will work a couple extra shifts a month so he can get more play money. It's fair because he works hard and deserves it.
A marriage is a partnership. You do not have a partnership when you are controlling your spouse, in any way. He is your husband, and the fact that you cannot (justifiably, or otherwise) trust him enough to have access to your credit cards and checking account is a GIANT red flag.
He has to ask you for cash, the way a 17 year old child has to ask his mommy for gas money. That's not ok.
I can't even imagine what it feels like for him, as a man, to have to ask his wife for spending money. I would feel completely emasculated. Add to that the fact that you won't have sex with him, his reactions (while over the top, dangerous, and unsettling) sort of make sense.
I'm not saying you don't have a reason for wanting to control money. I'm not saying you aren't, in your own way, trying to make things better by limiting his access to money. But he is your husband. The fact that you are controlling his spending money so drastically is very disconcerting. The fact that you even have a reason to is downright scary.
I think that rather than trying to control any aspect of your husband's behavior, and thereby sweeping the problems under the rug, the productive thing to do in the situation is to directly address, with the help of a counselor, the reason WHY you feel the need to mistrust him in the first place. Barring him access to the bank accounts and credit cards, and giving him spending money like a child, is a way of sweeping things under the rug.
Just address it. It's the only way to save your marriage.
First of all, you can't make him change. If he doesn't see that he has any problems and is happy spending and drinking the way he is... he isn't going to change no matter how hard you try to make it for him. If your marriage is important to him, you can put it out there... does he recognize that you guys are on different pages and what can you guys do to get in agreement about these issues.
And all you are doing is becoming more like a nagging mother than a wife. I understand how medication can take away your libido... but I can't image why you would want to have sex with someone who is acting more like a teenager than a husband.
Get yourself to therapy even if he won't go. And work on yourself... whether he decides to straighten up or not.