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I think my husband wants out
My husband and I have been married just over 3 years.
A few weeks ago he admitted to me that he is in love with another woman. This woman is a close friend and I suspected he had a crush on her, but didn't think it was love. His feeling are not reciprocated by my friend, she has no interest in him at all, and the two of them are never alone. My husband swears he has not physically cheated, and I believe him. He also swears he still loves me, but not in the same way as before. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said that it wouldn't be fair to him since I am a student who he has been financially supporting with the understanding that eventually our earning potential would be greater.
I have been trying to be supportive of him, waiting for this crush to blow over, but I feel so alone, I need love and support too. I haven't told any of my family about this because I just feel stupid, how could I let this happen.
Lately my husband has been mean to me. Snapping at me, refusing to cooperate. When I try to talk to him he just gives me a non-committal answer and drops the subject. I feel like I am just serving as a maid and assistant. I want to be married to him, and I love him despite all this, but I can't imagine the rest of our lives continuing this way.
Thank you for listening, I really just needed to get it out. Any advice would be appreciated.
Re: I think my husband wants out
If this is what you mean - your DH is an a$$hole.
And really- past that, why are you making this HIS decision? He doesn't love you the way he should, and now he's being mean?
He wants YOU to be the one to leave. He wants YOU to be the bad guy.
So not only is he an a$$, he's spineless too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Listen, he isn't husband material. This isn't the kind of man you build a home with, have babies with and plan a future with. He just isn't. Even if his crush does blow over, he will eventually develop another one. Why choose a miserable life for yourself when you can choose a much, much better one ?
Bid him adieu and focus on finding happiness by being single.
Trust me, hopefully one day you will be very grateful for this relationship ending.
Wow. I completely disagree. Whether or not your H is a *** is more than can be conveyed in a paragraph!
As far as him crushing on someone else? So what? It's TOTALLY NORMAL! The problem only comes in when he's not being upfront, honest, and kind about it.
Can all you PPs really claim you've NEVER had a crush on someone other than your spouse?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Perhaps you should re-read the OP. This is more than just a crush. He's told his wife that he is IN LOVE with another woman and that he doesn't love his wife in the same way anymore. Further, when asked if he wants a divorce, he didn't say, "no, I really want to work on our relationship." Basically he said no because he's expecting a return on his investment for supporting her while she is in school.
ETA: OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. Unless your H is willing to go to counseling together and truly wants to work on your marriage (which from your post it doesn't really sound like he does), I'd be moving on.
Hell yeah I can say I never crushed on someone else.
Is this response real? Her H flat out told her that he is in LOVE with another woman. It seems based on OPs story the only reason it hasn't gotten physical is because the other woman isn't having any of it. This is 100% NOT normal and frankly I can tell you that since I've been married I have NEVER had a crush on anyone other then my spouse.
OP you need to cut your losses and hit the road. He is a a** and doesn;t deserve you.
*blink*
Did anssett have a stroke?
No strokes. The OP's H may be a jerk and they may need to split up. One post isn't enough to say. I don't particularly care.
My point is that it's ridiculous to say that when you say "I Do" you stop having sexual thoughts or emotional feelings about the rest of the world. You may choose to never tell your spouse or tell your spouse but never act on them, but...to pretend it NEVER happens? In a healthy relationship having a crush isn't cause for insecurity, drama, and certainly not divorce.
My husband and I have been married just over 3 years.
A few weeks ago he admitted to me that he is in love with another woman.
This in itself is very very bad news.
Sorry for your troubles.
This woman is a close friend and I suspected he had a crush on her, but didn't think it was love. His feeling are not reciprocated by my friend, she has no interest in him at all, and the two of them are never alone. My husband swears he has not physically cheated, and I believe him. He also swears he still loves me, but not in the same way as before.
Bad news also.
I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said that it wouldn't be fair to him since I am a student who he has been financially supporting with the understanding that eventually our earning potential would be greater.
Whoop dee doo to him.:(
I have been trying to be supportive of him, waiting for this crush to blow over, but I feel so alone, I need love and support too. I haven't told any of my family about this because I just feel stupid, how could I let this happen.
Lately my husband has been mean to me. Snapping at me, refusing to cooperate. When I try to talk to him he just gives me a non-committal answer and drops the subject. I feel like I am just serving as a maid and assistant. I want to be married to him, and I love him despite all this, but I can't imagine the rest of our lives continuing this way.
I get the ugly feeling that this snappishness has everything to do with this emotional affair/affair he has been having. Something is weird here and he's got no right to treat you this way.
I don't think there is very much of a chance here for you. he's already got feeling for somebody else and even if that other person became truly unavailable to him, you are still in a hell of a pickle.
I think you need to show him the door and do it today. Sorry for your troubles.
This ain't no crush and this isn't going to blow over and why should you settle for crumbs? Doesn't love you the same way??? Gee, whoop dee doo to him.
Show him the door and file. Find a guy who is worth your while.
And no way in 'ell do I believe he never cheated. Nor do I believe the bit "She doesn't feel the same way."
Yes- I've had "crushes" on people in the past 20 years. A crush, though, is a FAR cry from being in love with another person and actually telling your spouse this. AND telling your spouse you no longer are really in love with them.
Do you really not see the difference? Yes, I realize the OP used the word "crush", but that was one word in a longer story of her DH telling her he's in love with someone else. That is more than a "crush".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
All of this is completely off of the topic of this post, which is about a woman whose husband says he no longer loves her that way, and is in fact in love with her friend instead.
Seriously, what is wrong with you?!
Your husband sounds pathetic. Seriously.
He is crushing on another woman. She doesn't want anything to do with him. And because his little fantasy didn't work out, he is taking his disappointment out on you by being nasty and mean.
His behavior is dreadful. He is wrong on every single level. He is like a child who didn't get the toy he wanted for Christmas and is pouting all the way through January.
You deserve a husband who is 100% committed to his marriage.
Your education was an investment in your future...the future you were planning to share with your husband. Since your husband has decided not to be part of your mutual future, you shouldn't worry too much about his feelings.
Here is what you do:
1.) Do not leave your house/apartment. In some states, whoever leaves is considered to have abandoned the marriage. Don't let that be you - no matter HOW obnoxious he gets.
2.) Start making some appointments with family law lawyers. You need advice about how things will shake out if you leave. You need to know how much a judge may "value" your future degree. A lawyer can walk you through that. You have only been married for three years, so his investment wasn't *that* big. If you have student loan debt, you may just take that on yourself and that may offset his "investment". Talk to a lawyer! Don't take your bitter, nasty husband's judgement for anything. Get honest, objective advice from someone who is on your side.
3.) Take a deep breath and remember your dreams and hopes for a marriage. Look at how far away from that your current situation is.
OP some marriages are like this, they are business relationships. It's usually a mutal agreement that happens for whatever reason.
BUT, your H is "in love" with another woman and wants you to be a cash cow. After only 3 years of marriage your H only wants to remain married to you because he feels that you owe him. Honestly, with only 3 years, him being in love with someone else and he feels you are an investment that needs to pay out, you owe him jack crap. Get yourself whatever you HAVE to and get the heck out.
You deserve more in life than to be a mans cash cow.
You are an idiot. Really?!?
Well, lemme ask you this, ansett:
If your H came home and said "I am in love with somebody else and I love you but not the same way that I did", what would you do?
yea, I read that comment too and thought wtf??? Sorry, but having a crush outside of your marriage IS NOT NORMAL!!!!
Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
Let's be real: the only reason this guy hasn't physically cheated is because this woman wants nothing to do with him. If she did, he'd be all over that. And you know that in your heart OP. This isn't just thinking someone else is cute. He says he is not in love with you the same way anymore.
And when you asked if he wanted a divorce, he didn't say "No, I want to work on our relationship". He wants to stay married so he can buy himself some toys when you start making more money. What a jerk! Seriously!
Plus, your husband probably is delusional enough to think that the only reason your friend doesn't want to be with him is because he is still married.
It is pretty obvious your husband doesn't want to be married to you anymore but wants you to be the one to end it that way he could be the poor husband whose wife left him.
Can you read AND comprehend? OP said H admitted to being "IN LOVE" with another woman. There is no "crush"
Either a misreading or a reply that says more about what is going on in her marriage.
Basically, not attacking you anssett, but you may want to consider your response, even though you're not on trial here...
There also is a very big difference between seeing someone attractive and saying 'that person is attractive' vs having a full blown emotional affair vs acting on that emotion and onto something physical.
Sure, none of us are dead here - I'm sure some of us have seen someone (like on tv for example) and thought to ourselves, that person is attractive. Having any other kind of emotion about it though, I think crosses the line and into dangerous territory.
OP's H has more than crossed the line - he not only admitted to having feelings for another woman, but he straight up told her that he does not feel the same love for her now as he did when he walked down the aisle. I'm not even sure counseling could fix something like this. And personally, if it were me in the same situation, I don't know if I could ever trust my H again or even want to remain married to him knowing that he has feelings for someone else like this.
Wow. The ladies of The Nest seem very concerned for my marriage (and sanity). Ok. Let?s try this again.
What would I do if my H came home and said "I am in love with somebody else and I love you but not the same way that I did"? I?d be really hurt, but I?d mostly be surprised. In my world I have open dialog with my husband. We?re under no delusion that our feelings for each other will stay the same forever, or that we?ll never have emotional/sexual/romantic feelings for other people, at other points, in our lives. What we?re really confident of is our ability to speak openly and honestly with each other throughout whatever comes.
I hear the fear and pain in the OP?s words. I do think her husband is being an a**, but not because he has developed feelings for someone else. I think he?s being a jerk for not communicating kindly and lovingly with his wife. I think they?d benefit heavily from therapy to learn how to communicate with each other and enable a useful dialog. Does he really love this other girl and not his wife anymore? I don?t know but I?m not convinced he?s capable of figuring out on his own and the OP doesn't seem to have the tools to assist the dialog.
Feelings are fascinating and complicated. I don?t think there is inherently anything wrong with having feelings for someone other than your partner, a crush, or even falling in love. The problems arise when there?s dishonesty, shutting out of your partner, being unkind, etc. Those are problems regardless of the underlying cause. My H and I will be human for the rest of our lives. Since I want a successful marriage, I prefer to be prepared for it, rather than pretend it?s not out there.
You'd be surprised.
But c'mon: it would be in a GOOD way.
RIGHT????