Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I think my husband wants out
Her husband already violated her vows. He is no longer putting her first.
That may be your version of marriage, but it's not the institution most of us got involved in, it's not what's pledged, and it's not what most of us deserve. I doubt, also, if you look at most marriages that survive, that serious crushes or truly loving another person have ever come into play....You're supposed to be able to count on your spouse to put you first.
Why should the OP settle for crumbs???
Her H said the unimaginable and I say it's time to go. Even if this other person drops off the face of the map, this is already over between her H and the OP.
Finding another person attractive, or funny or this or that is ONE THING; nothing wrong with that --- falling in love with another person is quite another. That's a dealbreaker to me.
First of all... a crush from afar is much different than the OP is posting.
She is saying that he is saying he is IN LOVE with someone else. And I'd be willing to say that the ONLY reason he hasn't acted on it, is because she isn't interested. If the crush was reciprocated, I have a feeling he'd be physically cheating. And if he isn't now... he will...he is proving he has a wandering eye.
If there is any chance, you must get to counseling...
But... I have to say from the child of a cheater... he probably sees nothing wrong with him behavior, you probably feel like you owe him something or stuck that you can't go anywhere... and if he doesn't see the need to change himself... he WILL do this again and again and again. Do you deserve to be treated this way? How does hearing that he is in love with another woman although he married you...make you feel??? Do you want to set yourself up to feel this way again and again???? Good luck.
What outcome do you expect, if she stays married to him despite this? Let's say she "fights for her marriage," whatever that means, and sticks with a guy who'd rather be with someone else. Let's say that he stops treating her like garbage, even. What then?
Then she gets a lifetime of being with someone who is only with her because he's kind of stuck. He's not in love with her, or even if he is, she doesn't feel like he is, and she never will, because he already told her that he'd rather be with someone else. Always she'll wonder what he's thinking, and even in his kindest, most loving moments, she'll privately feel like she's an obligation to him rather than the love of his life, because the one he really wanted wasn't interested. This will be her life. This will be her love story.
Why would anyone want this? What's the point of staying married, the value of it, if this is all you get for it?
I don't think anyone should be miserable forever and she deserves to be loved fully. my point is that feelings change. You can't expect to not change and grow. I think before giving up she should try and go to counseling with him.. if he won't go she can try on her own. feelings can be confusing. If they were married quickly and rushed in I can understand at 3 years of being together he's confused about his feelings. He may not feel the new exciting love anymore and it scares him. We don't know how this man deals with feelings. I'm not defending his behavior or saying she should stay with someone who feels "stuck" I just think as we don't know the whole situation we can't be sure this guy doesn't love her anymore or What either of them want. I just wouldn't give up that easily. marriages aren't disposable. It's a big deal to end one and most i believe can be saved. The catch is both spouses have to want to save the marriage. . but that is for them to decide and I'm sure if it comes to it they will make the decision best for them. It's not my place to give them advice to divorce. They can do that on their own. what they need is support and maybe they can come out of this"for worse" situation stronger. I hope you can at least understand where I'm coming from.
No, I really don't understand where you're coming from.
This is the reality, that even with counseling, what I outlined is absolutely the best case scenario. The best case scenario here still sucks. Even if he decides that he does love her (despite his saying now that he doesn't), and they go to counseling, and they stay together, and he treats her lovingly and kindly, she's never going to feel like the love of his life. Never. Never ever again. He told her that he wants her friend instead, that he'd rather be with someone else, and that woman turned him down. No matter how he treats her, or what he says after this, there is no taking that back, ever. She's always going to feel like his second choice, the next best thing, even if he is now just "confused about his feelings" and really is in love with her (which is total bs; you aren't in love with one person if you feel like you're not and are instead in love with someone else).
So no, I don't get where you're coming from at all. What's the point of working hard and trying to save something that at its absolute best, is still not going to be any good? Why bother to strive and work hard for a life of feeling like you had to work to make someone even try and pretend to love you? Who does this benefit?
Him being "in love" with someone else isn't the issue here.
The issue is that he chose to handle his feelings in the most hurtful, demeaning way possible. What he said seems designed to make you feel guilty, insecure, and stuck with him. There must be some payoff for him in all of this - some way that treating you badly and humiliating you scratches some itch that he has. I'd be concerned about that itch.
Feelings come and go. Actions reveal character. His actions towards you reveal a pretty nasty character, and I'd worry about that more than about some theoretical other woman who he may or may not be involved with.
There are people who treat marriage as disposable.
People on this board generally aren't in that category. Most of the people asking are asking precisely because they don't jump rashly, and most of the people replying have marriages that they treasure and/or experience with things going badly.
I agree with what Kuus has said. She will feel like the choice he "had" to choose, the ball and chain...forever and ever. She can do better.
So your husband isn't in love with you anymore...and wants to stay married so he can reap the financial benefits of your post-degree career?
And YOU want to try to make this marriage work?
You need to leave. On your way to the lawyer's office, stop by the doctor's and get tested. And when you leave the lawyer's, find a therapist who can discuss your apparent lack of self esteem.
The title of your topic "I think my husband wants out" is interesting to me. It indicates what your thoughts are. You're hurt because he's in love with someone else, but it appears you're most afraid that he wants to leave you... instead of saying "My husband loves someone else, should I leave him" you're putting all the power in his hands. It seems you've already been emotionally abused to the point you'd actually accept that he loves someone else because you said "lately" he's being mean. Seems the emotional affair isn't a problem for you... just the fact he's being mean... so here's my advice.
What do YOU want? You've said it in your OP, you want to feel loved and supported. So, do you believe you can actually get this from your husband? The man who openly told you he's in love with someone else but when you asked about divorce told you, basically, that you can't divorce because you OWE him for him supporting you all these years through school.
Your husband sees you as a means to an end (eventually you being the breadwinner/earning the money to make his life simpler). By allowing him to get away with telling you he loves someone else and you doing nothing about it (personally I'd have either gone with the kids to stay somewhere or told him he needs to go somewhere) you're telling him it's okay. If you gave him an ultimatum (me or her) it's likely he'd just tell you he picks you and continue with his emotional, or later physical, affairs with other women.
You husband does not love you, not like he should, and he most certainly doesn't respect you. No man who loves a woman tell her he loves someone else. No man in love with you says you can't divorce because you owe him. There is nothing to be gained from him telling you he loves someone else. He either tells you and wants a divorce, or tells you because he's being cruel... obviously for your husband its the latter.
I suggest you either move out, or file for divorce and sole occupancy of the marital residence. You owe it to yourself and any children to not remain in a poisonous relationship. You don't want your kids thinking it's okay to be treated, or treat people, like that.
Cheating - emotional or physical is the death knell for me (and husband). I have never had a crush on someone else, I have seen people and thought they were attractive, but never in any sexual way. If I was able to have an attraction to someone other than my husband, that would be a sign to me that there's something wrong with our relationship that needs to be worked on. We are both 100% on the same page about that. It seems OP that your husband doesn't care about how you feel and only cares about himself. Please protect yourself, and any children, (emotionally and physically) from this man.
DTMFA! That's what we said on the ole board and it still applies to this one!
Well while this sucks BAD, I would honestly try to talk with him and get to the bottom of this exactly. He thinks he has feelings for this woman, he is trying to hurt his wife, obviously. But, he also could be trying to get her attention for something.
One think I talked with my now H about before we got married is to always be honest with me! Where as if he started to ever have feelings for anyone else for whatever reason then he needs to tell me about them so we can work thru them. A marriage is supposed to go thru ups downs. People are always so quick to give up and, call me old fashioned, but I think if you are going to get married and say your vows then you do whatever it takes to make that marriage work. You said you'd be there til the end! He is acting like a total prick but you know what, people are going to go thru things and we need to learn how to move past them.
If you and him cannot deal with them on your own then go talk with someone! Get an outside perspective on how you two can work on whatever problems you are having. I am not one to run at the first signs of problems. I said my vows, I married the man I love and I will fight for us. Sometimes us as women need to be the strong ones and fight for things they may seem to not want to fight for. I would say try to work thru this. Please I know you are hurt but don't be so quick to give up. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred thing and it is sad how it has become the complete opposite. Best of luck to you!!!