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When is too late to be home? What is reasonable?
I'm a natural worrier, so sometimes I know I can be a bit over the top sometimes. But... things have gotten worse recently and I was wondering if I was full of BS and if I was, if someone could call me on it.
Hubby and I tend to be kind of homebodies. We stay at home and either watch tv or do work around the house quite frequently. Very rarely do we go out (and we never do the whole bar/club scene), and we always go together. By very rarely, I mean maybe once a month. But... a lot of friends and family will be getting married soon and that means lots of bachelor/bachelorette parties (we had a combined one). I've been invited to some bachelorette parties, but I don't want to go since it won't include the hubby and that would just bother me.
He, on the other hand, wants to go out to his friends'/family's parties and stay out all night. I ask him to set a limit of 2am and I'll pick him up, wherever he is, just so that I know he is safe and that he doesn't have to set a limit on his alcohol use if he doesn't want to. I know he's not the type for strippers or any sort of seedy situations, so I trust him on that and I don't ask what they'll be up to- all I ask is just where/when I should pick him up.
The problem is that he feels that setting a limit on it is unfair and that I am "monitoring" him and "analyzing everything he does," just because I want him to give me a date/time- even if it's as late as 2am! He wants to stay out all night and just waltz home in the morning and not have me ask questions. Is it just me, or does that put up a huge red flag? And it's not like it's a one time thing either- there are 6 weddings coming up in the next 8 months, so this issue will be pretty regular for the next few months. We were just the first of our bunch to get married, so we never had to deal with this.
The only time that this has been a problem before was when he and his friends have poker nights and I asked that he's home before midnight because it's a work night. He wouldn't call until 6am as I was getting up for work. He hasn't gone to poker for a while though. It feels like I'm trying to give him an inch (going out with no questions asked, except time when he comes home) and he's trying to take a mile (going out anytime, anywhere, all night, no questions asked). HELP!?!
Re: When is too late to be home? What is reasonable?
Honestly, I don't ask questions because I trust him enough to do what he wants to do as long as he's home by 2am. It's not something that he has asked of me. I trust him enough to not do something stupid like cheat on me or go to strippers, but I just want to know that he's home safe and sound at the end of the night. I worry about him whenever he's gone, and I'd feel terrible if he was hurt or robbed or something like that.
If you do trust him, I think you need to ease up a bit. Address your anxiety issues, because honestly 2 am isn't really that late. If it's impacting plans you have the next day, or he's sleeping it off and not pulling his share of the weekend chores, then you can discuss that with him. Six weddings in eight months means less than once a month. If he was out late every weekend without you, I can understand you getting a bit annoyed that he's not spending more time with you, but less than once a month? Not a huge deal in my book.
I do in fact trust him, but almost all of the parties are in Canada where I can't stay in touch with him through SMS because our phones plain don't work there. I'd even be willing to pay extra for roaming so he could text me, but they just plain don't work. If he was out all night and I never heard from him, I'd be worried sick.
Making plans ahead of time allows me to cross the border and meet up with him, just like pre-cell phone times lol. 2am is when many of the bars/clubs close, so I don't really see any reason why he should be stumbling around drunk beyond 2am in an area where he couldn't call for help if there was trouble. Not to mention the trip back is a couple of hours, so we wouldn't even be getting home until 4am anyway.
As for impacting plans, I have a business trip that I HAVE to be on for a day, and the flight is the morning after the bachelor party. He promised to drive me to the airport in the morning, so the fact that he doesn't care about that upsets me.
Plus, he says he can't afford to pay his health insurance premiums (that come out of my paycheck instead) which are $150/month but he's willing to spend $150 for a night at a hotel... just irritating. That's why I suggested driving him home at the end of the night.
I'm a worrier. If my husband was gone all night and I had no means to communicate with him, I'd be really uncomfortable and anxious. BUT - this is one of those times where you just have to nut up and deal. They're his friends and he wants to celebrate with them and he should be able to do that. Your anxiety should not impact his desires or his relationships with his friends. That would be really unfair.
I understand you trust him in that you don't think he will cheat or cross any lines in that sense. But do you trust him to be responsible? Do you trust him to keep himself safe? Do you trust his friends to do the same? Is this where your fears are coming from?
I would ask him what the plans are for the night. You said yourself bars close at 2am... what is the plan afterward? Are they staying at a hotel? Can he call you as soon as he gets to his room?
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He ain't free and single anymore.
THIS would have been fine if he was still single and free, but not now:
He wants to stay out all night and just waltz home in the morning and not have me ask questions. Is it just me, or does that put up a huge red flag? And it's not like it's a one time thing either- there are 6 weddings coming up in the next 8 months, so this issue will be pretty regular for the next few months. We were just the first of our bunch to get married, so we never had to deal with this.
I tend to suspect he is up to no good.
Either that, or he is hoplessly puerile and playing a "monkey see monkey do" game with his dumb friends.
Either one of the above is unacceptable.
He does not need to be out all night if there is a bachelor party. In fact, he doesn't need to go at all. Seen one, seen 'em all.
No one can tell you what is and isn't okay in your relationship. If it were me, I wouldn't have a problem with H going out with the guys, crashing at their house for the night, and coming home in the morning. If it happened every weekend I would have an issue with it, but he's talking about special occasions. In fact, H did stay out all night for his bachelor party, since he went OOT for it. He stayed at a friend's house and drove home the next day.
It sounds to me like your H takes issue with the idea that you can't go anywhere without each other, and I don't blame him.
His friends are getting married. These will hopefully be ONE time events in their lives. Back off and let him have fun and not have to worry about what time it is. Trust that he'll be responsible.
And on the "no questions asked" thing. In THIS situation I"m reading it more that he knows you're going to be asking him accusatory questions. "Where were you? Who were you with? How much did you have to drink? Why did you drink that much? Why didn't you go to the hotel earlier?", etc. If I knew I'd be walking into that, I wouldn't want it either.
If the questions, though, were "Hey honey- so, did you have fun? Tell me about your night!" because you actually want to simply to hear how his night went - maybe he wouldn't say "no questions asked".
Oh, and take a cab to the airport this ONE time or ask a friend or parent to drive you. For as much as you're getting pissy that he "just doesn't care", it kind of goes the other way too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Where is he, really????
my Dh can go where he wants, when he wants, for as long as he wants. In return I only want to know he is not drinking and driving. He can call me at any hour and I will go get him.
If I couldn't trust him, he wouldn't be my DH
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
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This. Also that 2am is now the arbitrary "end of the fun night" time. WTF? I normally simply don't have the energy to stay up that late anymore, but every once in a blue moon, I actually do find myself up that late. AND I'm 43, married, and have a child.
OMG!!!!!! THe horror!!!!! Someone better come arrest me....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10