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MsPiggy37
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"Friend" getting a little too close...
So we are going on vacation with a group of friends in a couple of days for a week and I am bit worried because of something one of the single girls in the group did at my DH's b-day party last weekend. This "friend" has only really been an acquaintance of mine for a long time and my husband has actually known her longer because she was in his circle of friends before I showed up (before me and my husband met). Nothing has ever happened between them. So at the party, when I wasn't in the room, she took a pic with the "b-day boy" and posted it on FB. There is nothing wrong with that except for the fact that he was sitting and she had to bend down a bit to be at his level, and the pic looks like she is sitting on top of him! Which only the people that were there knew she wasn't. I actually had to ask my husband because I wasn't sure when I saw it. Waaaay too close for my liking.
On another pic, she was taking one of herself (Cleavage exposed) and my DH decided to "photobomb" by appearing behind her pic...he was just doing this as a joke as he would do with anybody, so I don't take this the wrong way. What I didn't like is that she posted that on FB for everyone to see. I got a little bit jealous and asked my husband to at least "hide" the pics from his timeline because I did not like the way it looked (while he wasn't right there next to her ladies, on camera, his face appears right next to them!). I also told him he needs to be cautious of her when we go on vacation and keep his space. But I know if she tries something disrespectful it's going to be my job to put her in her place. I don't want to show any indication that I am jealous of her, but I also don't want to allow anything like this to happen while we are away.
Please tell me your thoughts. Am I being crazy? Would this have bothered any of you? Also, how should I act on vacation besides making sure I never leave them alone (I trust my DH but I don't trust her) and what should I do if she crosses the line? Should I wait until I have a moment alone with her and let her know it bothered me? I don't want to cause any tension on vacation or give her any reasons for wanting to do it more. I have only hung out with the girl closely a few times, and don't know her well enough, however she has always been respectful. Hoping this was just a one time thing...
Re: "Friend" getting a little too close...
And if you trust your H, you don't need to be sure never to leave them alone on vacation. He'll shut her down IF she tries something. It's his friend and it's his job to tell her if he feels uncomfortable. You told him what you're uncomfortable with and if he respects you and your marriage, he'll keep the situation in check. You monitoring who's in the room with him will come across jealous because it is.
It's pictures, they were taken in front of others. This isn't a big deal and you are blowing it into one. You really are going to spend your vacation stalking her, waiting for her to do something? What are you going to do? Break her phone? This is ridiculous, she took a picture with a friend and he jumped into another photo with her. She didn't ask him to put his face by her boobs. Calm down.
I can see why you would be annoyed. But I do think you may be overreacting a bit.
If you don't like her, or don't trust her, that's fine. But the real question you have to ask yourself is do you trust your husband. If you do, then you have nothing to worry about. You don't have to make sure they aren't left alone together, you don't have to follow them around, etc. You just have to touch your husband.
Have a conversation with him about it and let him know how you're feeling. I do think he needs to know you're uncomfortable.
And if a line is crossed, I actually don't think its your place to step in. It's your husbands.
Now if you for some reason don't trust your husband, that is a different issue. But as long as you trust him, I think you are okay.
Dude. You're talking about 2 PICTURES that were taken at weird angles. And from that, your SIL is seeing "longing", and now you think you can't let them be alone even though you trust your DH.
Which is another thing- if you trust your DH, then it doesn't matter if you trust her or not. If he wouldn't ever do anything wrong, then you don't need to always be there watching them like a hawk! If she tried something, HE would take care of it. That's how it works.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Even if the descriptions of the pictures are tame on the surface, that doesn't mean that the subtle details aren't flirtatious in nature.
Flirtation can permeate so many 'innocent' actions that it's a little odd no one might have thought these pics could be a little inappropriate. Even if the second pic isn't her fault, she didn't have the discernment to not post it publicly.
I do agree that this issue has more to do with the trust in your husband than this attention seeking girl though.
DH most likely doesn't see anything amiss with these photos because he isn't trying to flirt or anything.
What I would do in my marriage is to give my DH a head's up that I'm uncomfortable with the type of attention this girl is giving him and that he should just avoid opportunity for misunderstanding with this particular girl.
Many people here might think that's overboard and territorial but my DH is actually very good in spotting passive aggression and subtle actions in other people so he wouldn't be shocked or bothered if I noted it from my viewpoint. We also, from the 'get go' have a mutual agreement on opposite sex friends. If the spouse feels anything uncomfortable from the friendship then the situation will have to change, even if it's just in consideration for the spouse's comfort level.
My concern is that you feel like you would need to step in to put her in her place. That is your DH's job at the moment she crosses the line.
I know alot of males try to avoid that because it draws attention to a situation that he'd probably rather avoid in the first place.
Let him know how important this is to you and how the issue is more about how he acts about her than how she acts.
A little update. Came back from vacation and I am glad to report she did behave respectfully and did not DIRECTLY try get my husband's attention. But I definitely confirmed she is a very attention-seeking girl. I was a little annoyed at the fact that out of the 5 girls there (me included) she was the only one that looked like she had a swim suit that was a bit too small for her top. Seriously, they were out there BIG time.
And for the most part I did not act jealous or show it. One thing though...before vacation when I was a little green, I went through her pics and realized my DH had liked way too many of her pics. And 99% of those likes were directed towards pics of her by herself. She loves to have her girls out (as I have said many times) and take many pictures in seductive poses. I mentioned this to my husband yesterday asking him how he would feel if I was liking one of our single male "friend's" pictures all over FB... say pics of him shirtless. He said it would not bother him unless he noticed a pattern and the guy was being flirtatious towards me and it made my DH uncomfortable.
I explained to him that is exactly how I was feeling, uncomfortable because I did detect a pattern of him liking her pics (Something in my opinion a married guy should not be doing---I mean some of these pictures are just of her looking seductively at a camera- come on!) Also, there was that incident at the party that seemed a little off to me and I did not like (especially the fact that she felt the need to make it public).
He understood that it made me uncomfortable and agreed to stop liking her pics from now on, but did not understand my reasoning for acting like this. He kept saying I was being irrational, even though after he stated he would feel uncomfortable in a similar situation! Honestly, don't think the problem is resolved. I am dumb to think he won't continue to look at other girls (online or not). I understand he is a guy and they all do this. Fine. I can also admit that one of my flaws (we all have them) is that I can be jealous, but I just feel like I am justified in believing there is some wrong-doing in by DH's part here, and he is simply not seeing it.
You are putting down her swim suit, trying to paint her in a bad light? Swim suits are fancy underware. She's got it so she is flaunting it. What she has that you don't is confidence. Go get some of that and then re read your BS and laugh at yourself.
News flash: HE PICKED YOU. Clam the fuck down.
Also, what is with this? Did he cheat in the past? Have an emotional affair? Goes to strip clubs on the reg?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I learned the other day that adults should have a 2pm curfew, and now I'm learning that married men can't "like" pictures on FB of pretty girls.
Um, o.k.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't think being mean to you will help you at all. If anything it will make you feel closed up and defensive and you won't post anymore when you're seeking advice.
So let me just say this. I completely understand how you feel because I've felt it before. I'm sure everyone has at some point. There are certain times in a relationship that something just feels off. I think it's important to be honest and open with your husband about your feelings. If he cares about you and is working to make your marriage a good one, he'll try to work with you to find out how you can feel more comfortable.
I will say that if you continue picking at little things like what he "likes" on facebook, you're in danger of destroying your relationship. Maybe what needs to happen has nothing to do with his facebook habits or who he is in photos with, but getting you to know this girl better and making you more comfortable with her. I think you are overreacting, but I also know that you can't just put these feelings away. Work together to find a solution.
You know we can curse on here now
Seriously though, there has to be some deeper issue here between OP and her H if she is so worried about this other girl.
I don't understand the STRONG blow-back that the OP is insanely jealous and low in the self esteem department. If I was in the same situation, I think I would react partly in the same way. I'm not low in self esteem. I don't think I'm a jealous person, but that's possibly because I haven't been put in that situation. I do know that I'm pretty confident and straightforward about what I find appropriate and inappropriate in regards to my marriage and it's boundaries, so I would have absolutely no problem in letting my DH know that I did NOT like his manner of friendliness with a female, if I had a problem with it.
All I can share is my perspective and my opinion; but if the OP is getting a gut feeling on this then she needs to address it. It looks like DH doesn't 'get' your concerns even if he's giving you lip service about it. In my opinion, I think you should trust yourself. You have feelings in regards to this and you two need to work it out together.
I also, think that the mixed messages that your DH is giving you is in part because you seem slightly unsure of IF you should be uncomfortable with his actions or not. He can probably sense that a bit and will also be more likely to question your right to be uncomfortable.
I think he probably doesn't get it because although he's being inappropriate, he probably has no intention of directly flirting. Instead, he's doing a soft indirect 'flirt' with no follow through behind it.
BTW, in my relationship, I'm the much less rigid one in regards to appropriate boundaries, but I respect my spouse's comfort level and find no real need in pushing past those boundaries.