Married Life
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Is this inappropriate?
I did wind up staying with this guy after all because space was really limited at my aunt's house and other family members were staying with her too. DH had the opportunity to come with me, and didn't. If he ever worried about anything inappropriate happening he sure didn't let on. He saw nothing wrong with me staying at this guy's house. When I told one of our other mutual friends from college where I was staying his response was, WTF. He couldn't believe DH was fine with it.
He realizes now that my lines are in different places than his, and is able to respect that. Just because he would be fine with me doing X doesn't mean I would be fine with him doing the same thing, nor does it mean I don't trust him.
He is not redirecting any blame. He is taking responsibility for his part in this, and is asking that I take responsibility for my role also. I am not seeing how that is a bad thing, because you know what? I am not innocent here either. I have been putting a huge strain on the relationship and when he directly asked me to get help I put it off and ignored him.
I am just not seeing where he has somehow effed things up beyond repair. He has been 100% honest with me from day one. He has ended the friendship even though he didn't understand why it bothered me, and we are both committed to moving forward and dealing with our other issues. I think the "what's in it for me" attitude is a pretty crappy one to take. You don't just dump your spouse the moment things get tough. I don't care about the no sex, but I do want the affection back. There has never been any sex. I knew about it within the first month of dating him. If it were a deal breaker I'd have never stayed involved.
http://thatbadadvice.tumblr.com/
1) I am excusing what he did.
2) That he has not and will not accept responsibility for it.
3) That I am not holding him responsible.
If you have to ask what I have done wrong here then you obviously have never had to live with a mentally ill person who is refusing to get treatment. I have, and it fucking sucks. Looking back it was wrong of me to put him through that. He's been much more patient with me than I'd have been in his shoes, and what he was asking of me was not unreasonable in the slightest. He understands why I hate being on medication, seeing as how he deals with it every day himself, and he hesitated to even bring it up because of that. Just because he did one shitty thing that does not mean he has no right to voice his concerns again, after having them ignored for months. That is not equitable. I don't know how in the holy fuck, "I will do my part to rectify this, but I need you to do you part too" turns into "It's your fault I did this, because you are crazy." Some of you all are so far off base it's not even funny. Thus this thread has ceased to be helpful to me. Some of you seriously need to check your arrogance.
The problem here is that after breaking this thing (If you refuse to call it an affair, which I still strongly believe it is, call it a thing. Whatever.) off, you said yourself it felt like he was laying a giant guilt trip on you and basically bitched about you to the woman who was the PROBLEM in the first place. Pretend he never said a damn thing about needing meds again. Just concentrate on the fact that he made YOU feel guilty about asking him to stop HIS inappropriate behavior and then had the nerve to talk shit about you to the woman he should have cut off immediately in the first place without you ever having to ask. That's just a horrible thing to do to your wife. Whether or not he's sick. Whether or not you're sick. It's just a flat out horrible thing to do. He seems manipulative and like he uses your mental health issues to his advantage so he can get away with shit other married men couldn't do. There's something really wrong with that.
I'm not saying you need to divorce him and that seeking therapy isn't a good idea. I'm just not convinced the therapist you're using right now is the right one if they have you thinking your H isn't being an asshole and treating you like crap.
Wow. He sounds shady. Protect yourself and protect your assets. And if you guys don't get things figured out, be ready to find someone worth your time.
The reason people, myself included, are saying that he seems like an irreparable jerk and you're letting him off the hook is that he's bringing something completely irrelevant (your mental illness) into this argument and saying that you're both wrong, so oh well, no one needs to have any consequences. This is manipulative and cruel, and the fact that you're agreeing to this irrelevant false equivalence means that he has you completely snowed.