Sex & Romance
Future.Mrs.Carter
member
In a world of crazy we need as many hugs as we can get.
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Do you have higher sex drive than your husband?
I never thought that when I got married my husband wouldn't be able to meet my needs. You always hear about women who say no on a regular basis but I figured that men are always ready to go.
Sometimes he just can't because of stress. But I'm starting to think our biggest problem is that when it's prime time for me it's his lull. Does anyone have this problem or just mismatched libidos? How do you deal? (Masturbation is not an option for me it weirds me out)
It hurts my self esteem to be turned down so often even though I know it's not meant in that way.
In a world of crazy we need as many hugs as we can get.
Re: Do you have higher sex drive than your husband?
"It hurts my self esteem to be turned down so often even though I know it's not meant in that way." I agree completely with this statement. I feel the exact same way.
I too am in this situation with my husband. I would love advice as well. Also, I seen your sticker, Is your husband an airman?
My husband and I have struggled with this for the entire 6 years of our marriage. He just isn't a guy who needs a lot of sex. The best advice I have is to talk openly about what turns each other on and then use that. A lot of times when one of us isn't in the mood we know how to turn each other on and are excited that the other one made the effort. Also I realized that my half hearted attempts at sex were really making it worse. I didn't want to give a 100% effort for fear of rejection so I was timid, a major turn off for him. We had to have several really hard talks about it and now we are at a great understanding of one another.
We compromise. I'd like sex probably 5-6 times a week, and he's okay with 2-3. We meet in the middle at about 4.
But I talked to him about it. I flat-out said - when we weren't in bed, mind - that I wanted to have more sex than we were, and asked him what he'd be comfortable with. Yes, I initiate a lot, but in general, he doesn't turn me down very often because we had that conversation and I don't pester.
Yes! And I agree with everything you wrote!
I was very suprised today when DH wanted sex today, not once, but twice! That never happens. If I want to get some lovin' it's always me who has to act. He doesn't seem to have a high sex drive at all. I don't know why this happens to some men. I always thought they were up for nookie anytime!
Good luck and I hope you get some tonight!
My DH is starting to think that he has low testosterone. Which could completely be why he's not feeling like having sex much.
Check out the link on low testosterone and see if this sounds like any of your hubby's issues:
http://www.medicinenet.com/low_testosterone/article.htm
Masturbation weirds you out? That's a new one...
I've tried it and beyond the psychological barriers there's also the mechanics of it that pose a problem. I sort of lose control when I get close to the big O and I can't finish by myself. I find toys intimidating.
It looks like at some point I will have to get over these issues though. It will happen in my own time.
To all the other ladies,
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who deals with this. Some how that helps a little.
Hallelujiah!!!!!!
My girls! I am relieved to find real women who share my pain and sorrows. We should have a live meeting and have the women who have dealt with this the longest and have overcome it help us get through this! One day...
It amazes me how we all feel the same about this unexpected turn of events. I know it will take some time for us newbies to adjust, but it's downright heartbreaking. I've made it a point to take a little bit from each suggestion I read and act on them until they fit for us.
It does help to talk about it and try to understand, yet that doesn't solve the problem soon enough. This leaves me screaming "What gives?" quite often.
We all should stick together and seriously try to develop a support group, because it's hard to find women who share this problem. How can we get through the stresses of marriage if all the other boards are directed to the cookie cutter relationships?
Please ladies, email me. I really think we should do something.
ajohnson723@hotmail.com
DH and I had our talk AGAIN. He's going to see a doctor and find out if it's something physical. We both felt a lot better afterwards and I got a little shower nookie the next day. So I should be able to maintain sanity for about a week. Now I'm just crossing my fingers that we can see some progress long term.
I think it's kind of sad that we all feel so alone in this. It seriously helps just knowing that I'm not the only one. We go through our lives feeling this way about all sorts of stuff and we forget that others only seem normal. When we ask how someone is, it's easier for them to just say 'just fine' or 'great.' We've reduced our selves to small talk in the real world and lack personal connections because we're all too busy or worried about what everyone will think about our "secrets." It turns out that they aren't such big secrets because we aren't the first or the last to have this problem.
A must read: The Sex-Starved Wife by Michelle Weiner Davis (she also wrote the Sex-Starved Marriage but I thought the one specifically to the wife was talking me!)
I cannot say how much it has helped me not be so angry and frustrated!!
YES this is definitely a win. Try it and I bet you get some in 30 seconds or less.
So thankful for this board, it feels so much better to know I'm not alone. I feel kind of like an ungrateful jerk staying so upset over it, especially since my DH is such a great husband in so many other aspects. I know I have a great guy, but it still does not make the feeling of rejection and heartbreak hurt any less. I've had a friend tell me to use my vibrator, and that would be great if I just wanted to get off, but it's not about that. I want my husband to want to have sex with me, and no piece of plastic with batteries is going to fix that. Thank you everyone, for sharing your feelings, it's nice to identify with others in my boat.
We sound exactly the same... sad...
BFP #1 6/10/2011-EDD 2/19/2012-Born 2/10/2012!
BFP #2 1/6/2013-EDD 9/19/2013-CP
Wow, there are a lot of women with the same problem! I'm there... and it is soooo frustrating. I agree with those who say they always thought it was the man who wanted it all the time and it was the women who turned them down. I thought that too!!!! My fiance thinks i'm sex craved...I tell him maybe I wouldn't be if he threw me a bone every once in a while! It does do a number on the self esteem and self respect when you are being denied all the time.
With my situation, I was always the initiator, but even then he'd only give in maybe 25% of the time. He has maybe initiated once or twice in the 4 years we've been together. I'm only 24, and he was the one I lost my virginity to, so for the first 2-3 years I thought what was happening was normal... that me being frustrated was my problem, and I had something wrong with me. Then I finally started talking to friends about that, and they said, nope!! Its not a healthy sex life to have sex only once a month or once every other month. But thats what he told me, was that it was fine.
I masturbate like the world is going to end, and he masterbates too when i'm not home, and that pisses me off. I feel like he'd rather masturbate then be with me. Anyway thats a tangent.
long story short.... i definitely feel your pain....
My husband and I we've been married for 10 years and I have the same situation my husband does not be in the mood, this have been going on for the last 8 years. I thoughtI was alone,I was ashamed,it was very embarassing. but also, I do have a very high sex drive. in the beginning of our marriage the first few years we were like rabbits.now he so relaxed, I go to work when I come home he go to work and he get 2 days off. but he would watch tv, on the computer,or playing ps3 its so fustrating.we talked about it he would say it gonna get better I promise. but nothing so when I go to him then I feel bad because now I feel like I'm pressing him or begging. and I feel so silly I say I'm the woman why do I have to beg for sex. man, I thought I was so alone. and let me tell you alot of the time I would cry myself to sleep. one, I don't want to masturbate. why, I have a penis in the house. but thank-you for sharing you'll stories it really do help and I do agree with the other writer we need to have a support group.
Hey ladies,
You have no clue just how good it feels to know that I am not alone. We've been married for 2 months and it really hurts me so much that he doesn't want sex with me. I know that its just his preference but it feels almost as if I'm no longer attractive enough for him. I just wish I was one of those ladies who has to beg their men to lay off. Hahaha!
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Thank you for this thread. As I am writing this, it has been more than 7 weeks since we have had sex. I stopped asking for it at 5 weeks because I couldn't take anymore rejection.
We have had numerous conversations about this and, like many of you, he says that he will try harder but it never gets any better. I am at a loss.