Joint finances - questions and help, please

valencienne · February 2014

I need some insight, please. My fiance and I are getting married in 9 months. Last July, we bought our first home together and that's in both our names. Prior to that, we had been living together for 2 years and we maintained separate accounts. For reference, he makes $37,000 more than I do but overall, we both have decent paying jobs. He also has the potential to make $20,000-$40,000 in annual bonus but that's not guaranteed, of course. After we bought our home, we decided to do the following:

- open one joint account into which all income gets direct deposited and all bills get paid from

- each maintain our old individual accounts into which we would deposit a previously agreed upon sum of money to serve as our fun money (no accountability). This fun money would come out of the joint account

We talked about the fun money amount and figured that he'd take $800/month and I'd take $1,300/month. The reason for the difference being that he just doesn't have much to spend on in terms of 'upkeep' (for example, I buy clothes, shoes, makeup, skincare, hair stuff etc). The only thing he does is eat out/drink with friends. He probably buys clothes once a year. So we figured this should work.

So this is the first issue that came up months later. He seemed upset about the difference in fun money even though at the time he was ok with the set-up. I suggested he also take $1,300 then but he said no, it's ok. So we dropped it. Well it came up again recently and he's saying that $800 is just not enough each month for eating out/going out with coworkers and friends. I realize now that this was probably not a good idea all along. We should just have set it up to be equal from the get go. So I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow and insist that he take $1,300 out.

Here's the second issue. He's anticipating getting a $20,000 bonus soon. It's going into our joint account. He said that he plans on leaving $10,000 in our account and taking the other $10,000 into his personal account (partly to pay for a trip that he's been planning). I knew about the trip and have no issues with it but I was under the assumption he'd been saving his fun money each month and had budgeted for this trip. I went to NYC a few months ago and used my fun money for the trip. Anyway we talked about it and he thinks that his bonus is his to do what he pleases with. And that he wants to keep $10K and leave $10K in our account. That took me by surprise because I thought of bonuses as being income as well and to be treated like any other regular income. My job doesn't have a bonus structure but his does. So I guess my question is...am I wrong about bonuses being regular income? If I'm wrong, that's totally fine...I just honestly don't know! I found out later that he planned to use $4,000 for his trip and the remainder on a VERY generous gift for me. But I don't want the fact that he's getting me a big gift to influence anything...I just want to know what the right way is to approach bonuses. I'm not looking for equality at all but I want things to be right and fair for BOTH of us. I am very open to honest opinions but please be kind as I have good intentions!

vlagrl29 · February 2014

some of the other girls on here can help better than me, but all I can say is my jaw dropped at $1300/month in fun money. Dang I wouldn't even know where to begin with that much money to blow a month.

hoffse · February 2014

Well my first reaction - which is probably going to be a reaction of others on these boards - is that you two need $2100/month combined of unaccountable funds? For what? What on earth are you guys buying that's separate from joint expenses that costs that much every single month? You're talking about over $25,000 per year in discretionary spending that's not joint. Sorry but that blows my mind.

As for the bonus, there's not single right answer to this. H and I put everything into one checking account (except his law school loans, simply because we want to use as little of that as possible). We don't do the whole, "this is your money" vs. "this is my money" thing. It's all just ours. And actually, since I have a job and H is in school, I currently make about 95% of our income. He still spends it. That's NBD. We do talk about non-grocery or gas purchases over $50 usually. But it's more to make the other aware we're about to buy something large - it's not asking permission or anything.

I think you and your H need to come to an agreement with how bonus money will be used in the future. You might also want to think about doing things truly joint instead of this mish-mash you have going on. Why? Because then you might cut back your spending since every purchase- both large and small - is joint. I know for me, knowing that H can see every penny I spend really makes me consider what I'm buying and whether the purchase is something I've been planning or an impulse buy that I probably won't use. I know he feels the same way. Typically when people on these boards talk about discretionary "no judgment" accounts, they mean something like $100-$300 per month per person for little splurges like happy hours and pedicures a couple times a month. Nothing at the level you are describing.

To that extent, and because this is the MM board, please take a step back and re-evaluate your spending. I am in a profession where people tend to burn money (law). I get it. But like... what you're describing is still blowing my mind.

vlagrl29 · February 2014

I'm so lame I would be putting that money in savings/retirement or investing it in something that could bring me more money. Yep, that's exciting for me.

hoffse · February 2014

I should also ask - are you two saving for retirement at all? Do you have credit card debt? Student loans?

I'm just thinking of that $25K per year and what that would do for you guys if you put it in the market or used it to pay down debt instead of buying make-up and eating out all the time.

I don't think the problem is whether your spending is equal - it's how much spending you two are doing in the aggregate. You might find that your financial issues diminish in your marriage if you pool the money, find a common goal, and then work together to get to your goals and to NOT spend over that. And then you can celebrate (with dinner and a movie IN) when you reach your various goals. Seriously, my husband absolutely does not notice if I wear make-up or not. He does notice when we come in way under our budget.

ambrvan · February 2014

I once supported my family of four on way less than your combined "fun money." My jaw didn't just drop reading this. It flew down the street... I probably shouldn't, but I have to... How is $800/mo not enough to eat out on and have a beer with the guys or whatever it was he said he didn't have enough for? And where in the hell do you shop that you spend $1300/mo on clothes, shoes, makeup... Seriously? If you're buying that much, you're going to need to start saving some of that "fun money" to add an addition to your house just for closet space. O.O

Here is an idea, totally not trying to offend you: Instead of upping his "fun money", why not donate $500 of yours to charity? Or downsize how much you spend to be comparable with him.

Even on a MUCH MUCH smaller scale of dollar signs, I know from dealing with my husband (who likes to spend more than me), it can build resentment to see the other party spend more money, even if it is "fun money." I would never spend as much as my H would like to, but when I see him go buy something that he doesn't need or eat out when he could packed a lunch for work, it really used to bother me. It has taken a lot of communication and prioritizing what is important and letting go what isn't to mesh our different financial personalities.

On another note... I MUST be in the wrong line of work.... wow.

valencienne · February 2014

Thanks for the responses. Please keep in mind that I only mentioned the aspects of our financial situation that are relevant to my question. Giving to charity and how much is irrelevant to this particular question. And obviously we set aside money for retirement and everything else that responsible adults do

We have no debts, just a mortgage. Like I said, we do have decent paying jobs and our spending/saving is in line with it. I can see how it seems OTT if you don't have the full picture of total income etc!

ambrvan · February 2014

Even if I did have the total picture, it would always seem too much to me because I could never even comprehend having that much money to blow, even without any debts. My H and I have careers that are very satisfying to us, what we have wanted to do our entire lives, but your FI's higher bonus is closer to our joint annual income.

And I honestly wasn't meaning to offend with the charity thing. I was just suggesting that when one party spends more (even it if LOOKS like they are spending more, multiple things versus one big thing), the other party can become resentful. If you donated it, then you'd be doing something good with it AND not overspending your FI. If you're living within your means, what you do is your business. Hey, it's your business even if you DO overspend, ya know?

Also something to think about, I don't have any statistics to back this up and I'm sure some people can totally work it out, but I know a lot of people and know of a lot of people who have had a lot stress in their marriage when there was a lot of separate spending. Personally, and this is just personal, I find that it is easier to accept the other's spending if they are communicating with you before they make that big purchase. As someone above mentioned communicating about spending anything over $50, not to ask permission, but for communication's sake. Any amount would work as a line in the sand, but it would be a communication point.

I think you did the right thing saving your "fun money" for your trip, and I would have expected him to be doing the same with his if I were you. I don't think your expectations of the bonus is unreasonable. But I also think his half-half idea is a good compromise if you don't have any common goals you are working toward (rapidly paying that mortgage off with that extra $25k/yr). I say common goals because if you have goals but it's not a priority for him, then his half-half idea is a good compromise.

I get a Christmas bonus, and I was really wanting to go buy some new winter dress clothes (most of my winter wardrobe consists of jeans and sweaters from high school, with almost all of my new clothes being work clothes), but alas, I ended up keeping $0 of it and put it towards family items and bills. And when H worked overtime on Christmas and got a bigger check, I reminded him ever so sweetly, that I spent my bonus on everyone but myself so he could contribute his extra as well.

Xstatic3333 · February 2014

My jaw is on the floor as well, but that aside...my H and I split finances similarly and I'll tell you what we do. In addition to 100-200 a month each for fun money (officially it's 200 but I choose to save about half of mine) we have separate short term savings accounts. These also get 100-200 a month each, which is where travel funds come from. Windfalls for us (usually $50-$200 from my side job) would not be spent on individual things. Right now they're going to our DP fund, and in the future might be used for joint travel. That said, I think we are probably much lower income earners than you, and more in an "every penny counts" situation.

hoffse · February 2014

Look, I'm going to be honest. Once H starts his job in September, we're going to be a two-lawyer family in a relatively LCOL area. We will both be working for big firms. We will have student loans, but we both got scholarships so they our loans will be about half of what our peers' loans happen to be. We would have no problems affording to do what you are doing.

But I still think you're spending way too much. Or rather, what you are spending your money on is too heavily skewed toward these individual things that each of you do, as opposed to common goals.

The things high-income earners spend money on is of course entirely their business. But you asked for advice. I have seen so many marriages among my peers get strained around money. Keep in mind, I work in corporate law - so it's basically me and a bunch of men. In general, they would rather spend money on experiences instead of things. Except for spa treatments, the few women in my office seem to be the opposite. So what I experience every day is a group of men whose significant others outstrip their own spending on things that the men don't value to begin with. That builds resentment, even if they do make six figures.

My husband certainly falls in this category. By his own choice, he can fit every item he owns (except for furniture) in his car to move in a single trip. For me it would take several truckloads. I am much more likely to spend on material things than he is, but in an effort to respect his feelings about money and "stuff" generally, I try to keep myself on a short leash. Your husband might appreciate some similar efforts.

Instead, H and I have agreed that our "fun money" will be used primarily on travel until we have children. That's something that both of us really enjoy, and it puts our money to work for BOTH of us as a joint goal. We're planning on going to London this year, and tentatively Spain and Costa Rica next year. When we have kids, our splurges might change to house remodels, nicer furniture, etc. - but always something for the two of us jointly. As a result, we don't fight about money. Rather, we celebrate NOT buying overpriced make-up and instead adding another $100 to our travel fund.

So if you want to spend $25,000/year+ on discretionary spending, knock yourself out. I know plenty of people who spend way more than that. But I think you would find that some of these issues went away if you guys focused on joint goals instead of individual fun money. My co-worker whose wife managed to produce a $14,000 credit card bill in a single month was not happy about that, even though he makes seven - yes, seven - figures per year.

Xstatic3333 · February 2014

100% agree with the above. We're sort of in the reverse situation-I hate to shop but H is a technology buff who loves gadgets and devices, and it does breed resentment. We've spent a lot of time getting on the same page and I'm so glad we did! We still have the separate accounts, but the same goals. It is possible! H has decided not to buy a new Mac because our DP savings is a higher priority, I've knocked my pre-TTC travel bucket list from 3 trips to 2, etc.

maple2 · February 2014

Basically, it sounds like you need to have a discussion with FI and make sure you agree to what works for both of you. Decide as a couple about what should be done with bonuses, where individual vacation spending should come from, and how much each person should get for fun money. Whatever works for you is the right answer.

In my relationship, bonuses (or inheritances or other sources of extra income) would be considered joint income. It would go into the main account and we would decide together how to spend/save it. We don't really allocate specific fun money because neither of us is a spender. If DH goes out to lunch with co-workers that just comes out of the eating out portion of our budget. Since we don't track it very carefully, we don't care all that much if one of us is spending more than the other on "fun" stuff. We would also jointly set aside money for an individual trip since neither of us has a pot of fun money that we can choose to save up for big items.

In your situation, I would prefer to have bonuses as joint money, have individuals save for their own vacations out of fun money, and make fun money allocations even so there is not resentment, but there are plenty of other couples that operate with more separate finances and that works for them.

ambrvan · February 2014

hoffse said:

Look, I'm going to be honest. Once H starts his job in September, we're going to be a two-lawyer family in a relatively LCOL area. We will both be working for big firms. We will have student loans, but we both got scholarships so they our loans will be about half of what our peers' loans happen to be. We would have no problems affording to do what you are doing.

But I still think you're spending way too much. Or rather, what you are spending your money on is too heavily skewed toward these individual things that each of you do, as opposed to common goals.

The things high-income earners spend money on is of course entirely their business. But you asked for advice. I have seen so many marriages among my peers get strained around money. Keep in mind, I work in corporate law - so it's basically me and a bunch of men. In general, they would rather spend money on experiences instead of things. Except for spa treatments, the few women in my office seem to be the opposite. So what I experience every day is a group of men whose significant others outstrip their own spending on things that the men don't value to begin with. That builds resentment, even if they do make six figures.

My husband certainly falls in this category. By his own choice, he can fit every item he owns (except for furniture) in his car to move in a single trip. For me it would take several truckloads. I am much more likely to spend on material things than he is, but in an effort to respect his feelings about money and "stuff" generally, I try to keep myself on a short leash. Your husband might appreciate some similar efforts.

Instead, H and I have agreed that our "fun money" will be used primarily on travel until we have children. That's something that both of us really enjoy, and it puts our money to work for BOTH of us as a joint goal. We're planning on going to London this year, and tentatively Spain and Costa Rica next year. When we have kids, our splurges might change to house remodels, nicer furniture, etc. - but always something for the two of us jointly. As a result, we don't fight about money. Rather, we celebrate NOT buying overpriced make-up and instead adding another $100 to our travel fund.

So if you want to spend $25,000/year+ on discretionary spending, knock yourself out. I know plenty of people who spend way more than that. But I think you would find that some of these issues went away if you guys focused on joint goals instead of individual fun money. My co-worker whose wife managed to produce a $14,000 credit card bill in a single month was not happy about that, even though he makes seven - yes, seven - figures per year.

I think this said what I was trying to get at. Reading back, I was no where NEAR getting my point across. lol

smerka · February 2014

If, we for discussion purposes, knock off a zero from your fun money so it's $80 and $130 I think people wouldn't be having as hard of a time with this. If you're doing the appropriate things with your money like saving and staying out of debt, I don't really care how many zeros you have. The discussion is still the same. I can't tell you what you and your husband should do. You guys have to work this out between the two you. But I would suggest keeping the fun money equal. You could start paying for haircuts and make up out of joint money since they could be considered necessities. If my husband got bonuses, I would consider them part of his income. It will be reported on his w-2 as income. We were just talking yesterday about what to do with our tax refund, which would be as close to a bonus as we get. We have a lot of things we could do with it, but in the end, we will probably split it between some fun money for each of us and either a new furnace or savings for the rest of it.

KatieCutie05 · February 2014

HOLY COW - You get 1200 a month "fun money" ... heck 800 "isnt' enough" LMAO I get 40 and don't even use all of it half the time. So please count your blessings... most of us would kill for this "problem".

ALL money is BOTH of yours - regardless who earns it or its amount. That includes bonus money. You should have a mutual agreed on place to put it. Fun money is good but I'd actually take more out of joint then fun money. Why not move all clothing and cosmetics into joint and then both take a smaller "fun money" amount. Fun money isn't for taking car of yourself... its literally for "fun"... like purchases that you WANT - not need. Needs go in Joint - Wants go in Fun money.

And he's right - fun money should be the same. If he doesn't "need" as much as you then he can save it for one of those big trips or something.

brij2006 · February 2014

So I'm going to start with this statement, which I know isn't going to make a difference. But you aren't married yet. So everything should still be separate. Even how the home was purchased, but it's too late for that. So I will give advice based on if you were married and that's why your finances are combined.

It sounds like you both need to take a look at the last couple of months' bank statements and put together a written budget. Yes, you make ends meet just fine, don't have debt besides your house, and are contributing to retirement (hopefully at least 15% of your gross income). But high income couples/families need a written budget too. Sit down and figure up exactly how much you each spend in a month on eating out, gas, clothing, makeup, traveling, etc. Then add those categories into your joint account for such purchases. The high amounts of untitled spending money will definitely cause resentment on either end. That's $2,100/month that you're spending combined that neither one knows what it bought. Which in turn makes him not like that you receive more, and you not like that he isn't using his blow money for traveling.

The "blow" money should be a minimal amount that is for unbudgeted purchases. Mine is always spent on sending a friend a special gift or higher valued nail polishes. Something H thinks is crazy for me to spend $20 on and is uneeded, but something I enjoy and don't want to have to justify to him. FWIW we're a 6 figure income couple, and each of our blow money is only $40/month. Everything else is part of the monthly budget and is accounted for.

As far as the bonus money: Tithe 10% straight off the top, put 50% toward your mortgage to get it paid off, and spend the rest on an agreed upon/discussed purchase.

Correct, you don't have any other debt but the mortgage. That is awesome, and I commend you for that. But do you set aside amounts each month for future car purchases, travel, wedding expenses, etc? Also, you still do have debt. A mortgage. I would focus on paying that off with the extra windfalls and part of the spending money. Then you can "live like noone else" with a paid of mortgage.

valencienne · February 2014

Hmmm...I think my real question got lost in the discussion. A lot of focus is on the numbers involved. A couple of you did answer my questions so thanks for that.

My question was two fold. Should fun money (regardless of amount) be equal for both partners? We didn't start out that way and now I regret it. I think we should get the same amount regardless whose 'upkeep' lol is higher

So this issue is semi-resolved now. I have to talk to him tonight about it.

The second question was...do bonuses count as joint income? Or does the person who earns it get main say over how it's spent?

We have plenty of common goals. Obviously we are planning a wedding. We have a separate account where we have saved for the honeymoon and wedding. We bought a home and have been furnishing it over the last several months. We travel once or twice per year. Once we are done with the wedding, honeymoon and home furnishings...all that money will go towards savings and such. We also believe in letting loose and living a little as well. We work hard and while saving for the future is important, the present is also very important. We don't want to continually plan for life, we want to LIVE it as well. And so far, we are enjoying the balance we have created. Everyone's budget is different!

CuriousKiddosMama · February 2014

Okay simple answer. Yes, fun money should be equal. Entertainment (him going out and drinking with his friends) could be budgeted just like clothes could be budgeted for you so you lose the resentment.
I've never earned a bonus, so I can understand how you feel about the bonus issue. It depends upon what we are doing at the time to be honest. Sometimes, I've actually had to encourage him to go buy himself a toy with that money and then we use the rest for something we both want- the last one was used to finish paying off the mortgage last year. I've always believed though that he earned the bonus (it's not his fault teachers don't get bonuses) so he needs to spend some of it for himself.
I'm going to second what Brij said above, this is why you don't combine finances until you are married. Money issues are the biggest reason for divorce, so if you can't figure this out on your own before the wedding you should maybe consider seeing your pastor for some pre-marraige counseling. We did this because our church required it, but it really opened some things up that we hadn't talked about- for instance he wanted me to be a SAHM when we had kids, but didn't know how to bring it up. His mom had been a SAHM and he loved it as a kid, and wanted that for his kids. I never thought I would have the opportunity, but always wanted to, again didn't know how to ask how he felt about it. I felt guilty about NOT working since I started working when I was 16 and have always been pretty independent. It was a great thing for us, and maybe can help you too.

brij2006 · February 2014

I'll re-answer your questions:

1. Fun money should be equal, but the things you listed that you both spend your fun money on, should be accounted for in the monthly budget. Not coming out of the fun money.

2. Bonuses count as joint income. It's still part of the income and is still joint.

Don't get us wrong OP, we all love to live life also. But there are so many other things to "living life" than spending every penny of your income. You and your FI should sit down and set out some goals you have. Is it to have the house paid off before TTC, or for you to be able to eventually SAH, have $30k saved up for the next car, or to take a dream 1 month long vacation to Europe? Whatever the goals are, they should be agreed upon jointly and worked toward.

Also in all of this. Make sure you have 6 months of expenses saved up in an emergency fund.

The book called Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach might be something you and your FI would benefit from reading.

Erikan73 · February 2014

I get your point, but I also see his. It is his bonus that he has worked hard for and he should get something fun from it. But I also see where you would want to put the money aside in your savings for future expenses or your wedding planning fund. I think this time around let him split it 50/50 because he was planning on using that money for a trip that you were ok with him going on. Then have a discussion on how you guys want to handle bonus going forward. Do you want to split 50/50 like he wants to do this time, or maybe 75/25 for savings/fun or 100% into savings. I think it will be less of a battle to let him do as he planned this time around and try to come to an agreement on bonsus going forward. This way he knows what to plan for & you know what you can plan for and things will go smoother for you both.

daisy662 · February 2014

I personally don't think finances should be combined until marriage. But, since you have already gone down that path...I will share with you how my DH and I handle things. I think that your boyfriend making 30k more than you is marginal, that isn't a ton of money if you are higher wage earners. My DH and I both make over 6 figures. I make more than double what my DH makes. Our finances are combined and we do not separate who has how much for fun money. The bucket of fun money is for us. As far as the bonus goes, I will receive a bonus larger than what your boyfriend is getting and I plan to pay off my DH's car and a portion of his student loan with my bonus next month, so to answer your question, I count bonus money as "ours" not "mine". I came into our marriage with no debt, and my DH came in with some debt. I consider his debt, my debt and my money is our money. Best of luck!

Sisugal · February 2014

I am with daisy and think it is best to not combine finances until AFTER the wedding takes place - that goes for buying a house together as well.
Smart Couples FInish Rich by David Bach is an excellent book to help you get on the same page financially - lots of exercises to do separately and then get together and talk about the answers. It helps you learn more about each other's emotional relationship with money - not just the nuts and bolts of budgeting.

Also - just because you can is not sufficient reason IMO to do something. You need to ask a few more questions about whether it is in line with your values and goals. Do you have 6-8 month's expenses in an emergency fund? Have you considered paying off the mortgage sooner than required? Do you plan to have children?

Since this seems to be a re-occuring issue for you, I would consider a few premarital counseling sessions as money is the primary reason for divorce. Get on the same page NOW.

omgladypirate · February 2014

Sorry if what I say is a repeat of others. I got tired of reading about how peoples' jaws were dropping and how they felt you should be spending your money. Totally none of their business.

I'll tell you what I do/did and what works/worked for me. Doesn't mean it'll work for you, but our situations sound similar. When we got engaged we opened a joint account for monthly bills (my house but we lived together) and wedding expenses. We've always had a set amount from each check that gets direct deposited into the joint and anything over that is fun money for our separate personal accounts. (except when we were saving for the wedding, then most of the extra got dumped into the joint.) I make $30-40,000/year more than H does, so I end up putting twice what he does into the joint. Our goal is to each have around the same amount leftover for fun money (~800-1000/month at the moment). Any overtime is our own. We don't get bonuses, but I imagine that if we did and they were significant they would go into the joint for vacations/savings and whatnot. Cash gifts and other unexpected monies go into the joint.

sillygoosegirl · February 2014

This is entirely up to the two of you to decide, but I would not be okay with having different amounts of fun money, especially not such different amounts as described.

I don't know how much of your combined household income this represents, but I don't think the fact that he was also getting you a fancy gift really makes any difference.

I think to a large extent, who controls the money becomes who has the power in the relationship, especially as the years go by. I would not accept being other than equals.

sillygoosegirl · February 2014

I guess I didn't answer the core question. I don't think the fact that it's a "bonus" should make any difference. Some companies structure pay that way and others don't. I don't see why that should mean he gets to keep more of his income for himself than you get to keep of yours for yourself.

SFT917 · February 2014

1. Should fun money (regardless of amount) be equal for both partners?
My husband and I budget fun money together. Some months I spend more, some months he does. We communicate our spending and that works for us.

2. Do bonuses count as joint income? Or does the person who earns it get main say over how it's spent?
Bonuses should be considered joint income. My opinion for this bonus let him spend the $4k on his trip. I know you mentioned you budgeted your NYC trip out of your fun money, however if you had equal fun money from the start his could have been covered through his too.

ToastieSimons · February 2014

Good for you that you and your fiance are in a positive financial situation prior to marriage.

I would be more willing to drop my fun money amount down to the same thing as DH's so that he isn't resentful. I also would have made an outline of what fun money is. Is it used to save for trips? Extra groceries? Dinner out together? Gifts for one another? Also, prior to this did you agree as to what his bonus is considered? I think his 50/50 is a fine idea, if you don't need the money for bills, debt, etc.

Now, I don't like debt and a mortgage is still debt. If I were the both of you I would challenge us to spend as little of our fun money and bonuses for 6 months and send it all to our mortgage. And then I would reward us with a trip when our mortgage is paid off. Sometimes it seems when couples don't have a financial goal to work towards then things can go haywire. I'm not saying that the amount of "fun money" you've set aside is wrong or anything. I just find, just like life, that you need goals to work towards or you realize your money is going places you never could have imagined and you and your H could end up in totally different places like you are.

Your #1 priority is to make a list of rules. For my DH, this is a physical list. One that I have both of us sign. This is our contract. Neither of us has fun money since we're paying off our debt. But if DH says he needs or wants something he asks me. If it's something I don't feel necessary we talk about it and either he ends up saying it can wait or we talk about how we can afford it. If I want something, he does the same thing with me. It just sounds like you both had different expectations of how to save/spend money and you just need to have an honest conversation with each other.

Remember, what's done is done. You can only make a plan to control the money going forward. You can't be mad at how he SPENT his money, same as he can't be mad at you.

HarryCanary · February 2014

In my opinion, each spouse should receive the same amount of fun money each month (regardless of how much they earn) and bonuses should be considered joint income.

For fun money to work, my husband and I have found that we need specific rules about what spending has to come from fun money and what spending is included in our budget. You'll have to iron that out.

In our case, our fun money is equal and is a higher amount than I would like. However, my husband requires a certain amount of discrentionary spending for an expensive habit that I have insisted not be included in our joint budget. So, I get more fun money than I need and I often end up spending it on things for both of us, such as trips or things that are "wants" instead of "needs." And if my husband requires additional fun money one month, I am happy to transfer some of mine to him to keep our joint budget intact. This is what works for us.

VadersValkyrie · February 2014

After I pay the bills each pay check, I tell my husband half of what is left over, and he takes it out of our joint account to put into his own. The money is to cover whatever: gas, doctor co-pays, snacks, etc. It's evenly split, but no one is accountable to the other person as to how it is spent.

I don't work in a field that gets bonuses, but my husband did get one at the end of the year. He kept it in his personal account, which I didn't begrudge him, but we also hadn't finalized our post-marriage budgeting plan, either. His next bonus we might discuss a little bit more closely.

Wulfgar · February 2014

1) Fun money when possible should be split equally if your finances are combined like they are.

2) Bonuses should have been discussed long before this. For MW and I, she gets bonuses that we discuss as a team what to do then we do it.

As others have said, the two of you need to get on the same page on your finances and come to a common agreement.

moonprincessd · February 2014

Okay if you have that much fun money, why would you care if he took $10,000, like dude, my husband got a bonus, but it was only $2,000!

We don't have a "fun" money account though. We discuss ALL our finances. I think in this case, if you're that wealthy, it shouldn't matter. The fact you are concerned, makes me think you're spending more than you should... are you putting enough in for retirement (depending on when you retire, you need around 1 million dollars saved up)? Do you have a savings account? Kids college fund? Etc....

Joint finances - questions and help, please

Re: Joint finances - questions and help, please

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