Money Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: how is the work/home balance in your household?
Help. He is oblivious sometimes though and if we are having a bad week I have to point blank tell him what to do.
Dh does everything outside, which in thankful for because cutting grass means I can't breath for 2-3 days due to my allergies. I think it's just one of those things you have to find what works for you both. It isn't about income or hours worked for us, some of it is I will do this because I want it done a certain way.
And Katie I hope this is a permanent change in your dh. Because if it isn't, you deserve so much better.
Seriously though, first thing you've got to stop keeping score. How many hours of work, whose debt is whose and DEFINITELY how much money each person makes are tallies that are detrimental to the happiness of your marriage. And I say this as a person who is mostly the You in your relationship: I brought in no debt, work more, handle more childcare, project manage our lives, take off more work for kid- related things, and do more work around the house. He makes way more money than I do. But we both have full time jobs, and if one day, our earnings swap, I hope I could be as good as he is about never ever suggesting that his work life is more important than mine because he makes more money.
I'm hardly perfect at this, but here's what's helping me be happier with things:
1. Whenever you start tallying things in your head, shut those thoughts down. Find something positive to think about him instead that you can be grateful for. maybe it's the fact that he has a graveyard shift job? That sounds awful to me.
2. Accept the fact that you have different standards and a choice about how to act on them. He just doesn't see mess and I can't stop seeing it. However, I have a choice about how to spend my time in a way that makes me happy. I'd rather play with my kid than do dishes. Done. I leave them. Or if there's a night that doing dishes will make me happier than playing with my kid, I do that. I'm the go-getter so by default I have first pick of what I'm going to do. He gets the other task.
3. Identify responsibilities you don't care so much about and leave them entirely alone. For me it's the yard and DD's Halloween costume. I disavow all work related to those things. If they don't happen, whatever. He does care, so he does the tasks. Don't be tempted to step in and take over. Last year DD didn't get a costume because H never got his shit together to do it. She was only 1, so she didn't care, but he did. You better believe he was on it this year! Lol.
4. Two of my best friends are more like my H at home, and I'm more like their husbands. Talking about this helps us all understand our spouses WAY better. They learned from me that having to be the project manager at home is still exhausting and annoying, even if the spouse does the tasks. I learned from them that I can't have all tasks done the way I want them unless I do them myself. It's discouraging and disempowering to do something around the house, only to have your spouse give you "helpful tips" on how to do it better. Next time they won't bother doing it at all. (Guilty as charged)
Sorry that turned into a novel! I have strong feelings because I am in your shoes too, but you can only be responsible for your own happiness. And I find changing my own mindset to be a lot more effective than trying to get him to act like I would.
My previous "mom days" were spent playing with my kids, teaching them new things, doing household tasks, etc. If I didn't get the laundry done, no big deal. I really think kids change A LOT of things.
H and I have no problem getting clean laundry out of the laundrybbasket and tossing it in the dryer with a damp towel to get wrinkles out. We don't always get the floors scrubbed on Saturdays, etc. We don't keep track of who does what.
H typically does yard and car maintenance. I typically balance the budget, meal plan and do grocery shopping. Ultimately we work as a team to get things done.
Prekids, H worked midnights. He would come home at 730/8am and sleep 8ish hours and get up for the day. So he was up just before I got home. We did tasks together even then. Sleep is important!