Update

amhill87 · July 2015

Vlagrl29...I will talk to my bf about that. We are planning on going to Aruba for the honeymoon. But I still think family members would be sad to not see the ceremony.

lbonga1 · July 2015

@AprilZ81 We're planning on going to a Sandals resort for the honeymoon, and if you stay 4 nights (I think? It used to be 6) or longer, they give you a wedding ceremony for free. So no extra expense in that sense.

AprilZ81 · July 2015

lbonga1 said:

@AprilZ81 We're planning on going to a Sandals resort for the honeymoon, and if you stay 4 nights (I think? It used to be 6) or longer, they give you a wedding ceremony for free. So no extra expense in that sense.

That is great that it is a free ceremony, but the party at home should be just that, a celebration party. There is no need to recreate a wedding ceremony just so people don't "miss out". They did if they didn't attend the actual ceremony.

A celebration of an elopement or private wedding is 100% okay in my book but it shouldn't be a wedding re-do with a dress, ceremony, photographer, video and all of that. Throw a kick ass party with awesome food, cake and a DJ if you want just leave the wedding trappings out.

I'll step off my soap box now, but I know I'm not alone in thinking that multiple "ceremonies" and fake weddings are rude. If I wasn't important enough to you (general you) to invite to the wedding then I will be happy for you without being insulted by viewing a staged recreation of what I missed the first time. This is 100 time more true if no one you invited to the fake wedding doesn't know you are already married.

Xstatic3333 · July 2015

AprilZ81 said:

lbonga1 said:

@AprilZ81 We're planning on going to a Sandals resort for the honeymoon, and if you stay 4 nights (I think? It used to be 6) or longer, they give you a wedding ceremony for free. So no extra expense in that sense.

That is great that it is a free ceremony, but the party at home should be just that, a celebration party. There is no need to recreate a wedding ceremony just so people don't "miss out". They did if they didn't attend the actual ceremony.

A celebration of an elopement or private wedding is 100% okay in my book but it shouldn't be a wedding re-do with a dress, ceremony, photographer, video and all of that. Throw a kick ass party with awesome food, cake and a DJ if you want just leave the wedding trappings out.

I'll step off my soap box now, but I know I'm not alone in thinking that multiple "ceremonies" and fake weddings are rude. If I wasn't important enough to you (general you) to invite to the wedding then I will be happy for you without being insulted by viewing a staged recreation of what I missed the first time. This is 100 time more true if no one you invited to the fake wedding doesn't know you are already married.

I can agree with this. What I would probably do is have a beautiful, simple ceremony connected with your party at home. Then, on your honeymoon if you want to renew your vows privately knock yourselves out! But, it's really important to many friends and family to see the first/real/legal ceremony, even if they don't say it to your face. Not meaning to come off as harsh.

I've also seen people do the private elopement with just a kick-butt party at home after, no ceremony. That works great too and doesn't hurt feelings.

amhill87 · July 2015

So good news. I was able to talk to the bf and get our budget down from 20-30 to like 10-15k. I will still try to make it less than that when it comes time for vendors.

als1982 · July 2015

amhill87 said:

So good news. I was able to talk to the bf and get our budget down from 20-30 to like 10-15k. I will still try to make it less than that when it comes time for vendors.

I'm sorry to continue to be negative about the situation, but IMO it's unhealthy that you're so focused on planning and budgeting for a wedding that you've indicated is more than three years away. Do both of yourselves and your future relationship a favor and consider redirecting your energy to getting yourselves out of debt and charting a successful course for your financial futures.

lbonga1 · July 2015

Xstatic3333 said:
I can agree with this. What I would probably do is have a beautiful, simple ceremony connected with your party at home. Then, on your honeymoon if you want to renew your vows privately knock yourselves out! But, it's really important to many friends and family to see the first/real/legal ceremony, even if they don't say it to your face. Not meaning to come off as harsh.

Exactly, we're going to have the ceremony and reception with our family and friends first, then have the small ceremony with just us while on our honeymoon. That wasn't being harsh; I should have been more clear.

@Amhill87 I must have missed where you mentioned that your wedding isn't happening for three years. I agree with @als1982...with having that much time, you should focus on getting out of debt for now, and plan for the wedding once it gets closer to the actual wedding date.

formerlyGDaisy09 · July 2015

I vented about this before, but if you do the destination wedding please refrain from referring to your celebration back home as a wedding, reception, or anything remotely wedding related. to those guest invide the invitation ends-up reading...you weren't special enough to watch us get married, but please come celebrate our specialness with us.

We had a friend who recently got married in Aruba, then two months later had a reception at home (she wore her dress, they hired a photographer, got a cake, basically did everything they would have done at a reception) everyone was quite upset by the whole thing, if she was going to spend all the time and effort (and money) planning the reception back here, why not just have the ceremony here too so all of us who were so "special" to her could have witnessed her marriage? then go to aruba on your honeymoon.

simplyelise · July 2015

lbonga1 said:

Xstatic3333 said:
I can agree with this. What I would probably do is have a beautiful, simple ceremony connected with your party at home. Then, on your honeymoon if you want to renew your vows privately knock yourselves out! But, it's really important to many friends and family to see the first/real/legal ceremony, even if they don't say it to your face. Not meaning to come off as harsh.

Exactly, we're going to have the ceremony and reception with our family and friends first, then have the small ceremony with just us while on our honeymoon. That wasn't being harsh; I should have been more clear.

@Amhill87 I must have missed where you mentioned that your wedding isn't happening for three years. I agree with @als1982...with having that much time, you should focus on getting out of debt for now, and plan for the wedding once it gets closer to the actual wedding date.

Yes, they've been together two months.

amhill87, so happy that you've found a great guy. I remember that it was a pretty hopeless situation with your ex and I'm glad you're back on your feet emotionally and financially. I encourage you to enjoy the new relationship and don't worry too much about that possible wedding in the future. Wedding planning can be a really stressful thing to bring into a relationship. Actually, the first fight DH and I had was a month before we got engaged and it was over what city we would get married in. You just don't need to bring that kind of stress into a new relationship. The whole reason we even have engagements is to allow time once you're betrothed to plan the wedding. Use this time now to accomplish individual goals and encourage each other and get to know each other even deeper. If you each start paying off debt and saving for emergencies now, saving for a wedding in a couple years will be much easier.

MommyLiberty5013 · July 2015

amhill87 said:

I know...but I am a perfectionist, so anything I plan has to have all the details planned to perfection. All the guests loved my first wedding plans so I have an idea to beat. And I know that is not right of me to pit my second wedding over my first because they are both 2 different people and my current boyfriend has a much more compatible personality with me than my ex husband.

You seem obsessed with weddings. I fail to see how relational compatibility with a man has to do with wedding plans/style/type. You seem to be saying that because you have relational compatibility with one man over another, that your wedding day is the determining factor for your success. I agree with PPs. Get financially stable. Get your financial house in order first and then plan a wedding. You have the cart before the horse...this is one day. And, if you have a crappy financial nest to come home to after your honeymoon, then you will spend the rest of your lives trying to dig out and feeling emotionally (but at least you will have had a great party that everybody else thought was kick butt????) bankrupt and possibly resent one another. If it's in October 2018, then take the next 18 months and do the hard monetary work of paying off debts, savings and doing other things to manage your financial house. After 18-24 months of financial preparation, THEN plan a wedding.

Xstatic3333 · July 2015

simplyelise said:

lbonga1 said:

Xstatic3333 said:

I can agree with this. What I would probably do is have a beautiful, simple ceremony connected with your party at home. Then, on your honeymoon if you want to renew your vows privately knock yourselves out! But, it's really important to many friends and family to see the first/real/legal ceremony, even if they don't say it to your face. Not meaning to come off as harsh.

Exactly, we're going to have the ceremony and reception with our family and friends first, then have the small ceremony with just us while on our honeymoon. That wasn't being harsh; I should have been more clear.

@Amhill87 I must have missed where you mentioned that your wedding isn't happening for three years. I agree with @als1982...with having that much time, you should focus on getting out of debt for now, and plan for the wedding once it gets closer to the actual wedding date.

Yes, they've been together two months.

amhill87, so happy that you've found a great guy. I remember that it was a pretty hopeless situation with your ex and I'm glad you're back on your feet emotionally and financially. I encourage you to enjoy the new relationship and don't worry too much about that possible wedding in the future. Wedding planning can be a really stressful thing to bring into a relationship. Actually, the first fight DH and I had was a month before we got engaged and it was over what city we would get married in. You just don't need to bring that kind of stress into a new relationship. The whole reason we even have engagements is to allow time once you're betrothed to plan the wedding. Use this time now to accomplish individual goals and encourage each other and get to know each other even deeper. If you each start paying off debt and saving for emergencies now, saving for a wedding in a couple years will be much easier.

I missed that too. I definitely agree with the advice to enjoy the dating period and have fun together! Get your finances straight, run lots of races, enjoy a little time as a single person with a loving BF. My H and I have great memories from that time period. We took about a year to wedding plan, but made a point not to let it take over our lives for that year.

blondie42107 · July 2015

I've been married 8 years. The wedding is an extremely special day. We're spiritual so our church ceremony was extremely important to us and we had a great reception after. But here's the thing. It really is only one day. Marriage for us, is forever.

Don't plan a wedding until your engaged. And don't stress about when an engagement might happen. Be in a relationship with this person. Enjoy getting to know each other. Work on your goals. Live life.

A future wedding should not be a competition with your first wedding. There are so many options for weddings. Personally when the time comes, you and a future husband have to really think about what kind of wedding you want and why it's so important to you.

I've been to big and small weddings. Elaborate and simple. First weddings and second. I've also received a simple photo wedding announcement in the mail from a couple saying "we're married and just wanted to share the news!" - no party, no gifts, etc.

hoffse · July 2015

Agreed. You need to get your finances in order. You need to get past the butterflies/rainbows/puppies phase of your relationship and make sure you guys still love each other even during those times you might not like each other very much. Get some of your debt knocked out and then worry about a wedding a couple years from now.

And personally, in lieu of a big wedding I would do a kick-ass vacation. You could drop your budget in half and go somewhere truly awesome. I mean, I'm sure Aruba is great, but I would take the opportunity to go somewhere like Thailand if we were spending that much time/energy/money planning a celebration. I think the beaches in parts of Florida are just as nice if not nicer than some of the Caribbean islands, and it's much less expensive to get there. That's just me though. I also hear Aruba and think Natalee Holloway because her parents live close to us.

amhill87 · July 2015

I plan on having all of our other financial issues taken care of before we start saving for the wedding. We are not getting any help financially with the wedding compared to what we had with our first weddings. We are enjoying our time together, and while we have only been official for 2 months we have been friends since October. While we were discussing our budget for next year when we are living together. I asked him what his debt was and I disclosed mine, this way we can make a plan to fix all of our debt.

vlagrl29 · July 2015

my own personal thoughts after my failed first marriage - I was grieving it before I really left about 6 months before I left really now I think about it. So it was a good year and half before I started dating again and that's when I met DH. Up till that point I really hated men and loved being by myself and taking care of myself. So, I still had some minor issues I was trying to work on with my counselor when I met DH and I still went to counseling even thru the time we dated. I was wanting to make sure I had someone reaffirming my choices. We dated 11 months when he proposed and I basically went with my gut although I was wondering if I could go thru another wedding/marriage at that time. He was my true best friend and someone that I knew I would never have to worry about. Then we were only engaged 5 months before the wedding and 9 months married before I was pregnant with DD. So I feel that if you truly know in your gut this is the guy and he is treating you like a princess then go for it. I personally didn't want a long engagement because I/we wanted to get on with out lives (I was 29 and DH was 33 at the time). If he had been married before with a wedding ceremony and what not, I firmly believe that we would have went to the courthouse. It's more important to focus on the relationship rather than the wedding. You probably don't even really have to start planning your wedding for 2 more years if you are going to have a 3 year engagement period.

simplyelise · July 2015

amhill87 said: I plan on having all of our other financial issues taken care of before we start saving for the wedding. We are not getting any help financially with the wedding compared to what we had with our first weddings. We are enjoying our time together, and while we have only been official for 2 months we have been friends since October. While we were discussing our budget for next year when we are living together. I asked him what his debt was and I disclosed mine, this way we can make a plan to fix all of our debt.
------SITB-----

Sounds like you're on a great track. I think others are just encouraging cautiousness because throughout your posts on the board over the years, you've frequently gotten derailed from big and worthy goals by crummy life circumstances. Also, as neutral observers who don't know you IRL, it can be worrying to see you in a similar relationship pattern as before (you posted: "Met H in Dec 2010, started dating Feb 2011, moved in March 2011, got engaged end of April 2011, married June 2012, and told him I don't love him and want a divorce in January 2014"). The first half of that is very similar as the pace you're moving at now. We don't know the new guy of course, and we don't know how different things are now. But from what we do know, we want to just make sure you're being careful and taking care of yourself.

I hope you get involved again in the monday posts and keep us updated on your progress!

amhill87 · July 2015

Simplyelise, I agree with the others about proceeding cautiously with this relationship, I have a history of moving fast in relationships, but for some reason this all just feels different. In terms of my relationship with my ex husband, we worked conflicting schedules so we didn't get to have much quality time together and then we got engaged, then married and got on the same shift and realized then we had different personalities.

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