GTKY / joint finances

lakeview22 · August 2016

Hi everyone! I am new to the site and just wanted to introduce myself. Do most of you guys manage your finances jointly or separately from your husbands? I am a newlywed and we just fully combined all our finances. Overall, it has been good since it allows us to only have a couple accounts to manage and focus on joint financial goals, but there have also been some challenges with different spending styles. I'm interested in what has worked well or failed the trial and error test for you ladies!

als1982 · August 2016

Hi there and welcome!! Congrats on your wedding, and getting your newlywed finances in order.

We combined and manage our finances jointly. We are really big into budgeting in order to meet our financial goals of paying off debt and retiring early and well. We talk about, review and update our budget together at least once a week. As part of our budget, we each have a line item for our own "mad money." This is a chunk of money that we can spend on whatever no questions asked. My husband uses his for sports tickets and beer. Mine usually goes to happy hours and clothes. We brown bag it and cook at home, but if we forget our lunch or want to eat out for lunch or dinner separate from each other, we also have to use our mad money.

Might this be something that would work for you?

As for trial and error, learning to budget and work together is a process, it will take time to get into a rhythm, and then life will throw you change (a different job, new house, growing family, unexpected major expenses, etc.) and you'll have to readjust your budget accordingly.

vlagrl35 · August 2016

we have the same spending styles so it works for us to have everything joint as far as a joint checking and joint savings. Our credit cards, business accounts, and IRAs are all separate.

jtmh2012 · August 2016

We've combined just about everything that can be combined. Still have a couple of investment accounts that need to have the other added, but that's it other than things like 401k and ira accounts that can't be merged.

lakeview22 · August 2016

I love the mad money idea! My husband and I are very similar with big picture spending/saving/investing, the big difference we have is he tends to buy things/ do activities for himself or with his boys less frequently than I do but in a more expensive way. I love shopping/traveling more often but I am really budget conscious and always try to do things for a bargain!

AprilZ81 · August 2016

We've been married 2 1/2 years and have merged everything. We also have fun/mad money and that works for us. Any activity we don't do together but doesn't fall into another budget category gets allocated to that category. As long as we each don't go over our allotted amount we don't judge/criticize how that money is spent.

I am the one who does all of the bill paying but we are in agreement on the budget.

bmo88 · August 2016

@lakeview22: Welcome! This a great board to be a part of, with lots of great advice. I hope you stick around for a while.

To answer your question:

Well, it's a bit complicated for us. Lol.

We have been together for 13 years, married for 3 years (celebrated this past week). We opened a joint high yield savings account about 1 year ago. We just opened a joint checking account in June 2016. But only because Chase offered a $300 bonus if we did it. So we only funnel about $500 a month to it and then transfer to our high yield savings account. Therefore, the account doesn't really do much.

So all that to say, we do not really have joint accounts, other than savings. However, all money is treated as "our" money and we communicate a lot about money. We don't spend over $100 (unless its groceries or a standard expense) without talking to each other. We also have a joint financial budget/plan. So we tackle all debt (including each other's student loans), investing, saving and expenses together. We also have each other's passwords to accounts.

Part of the reason we do not have all joint finances is because we cannot agree on which bank to use. I have had Wells Fargo for 15 years and don't want to switch. DH had one bad experience with them and refuses to go back to them. He also prefers small local banks (where his main account is), whereas I like large national banks (easy to access anywhere).

At the end of the day, our finances work out just fine and we will continue with this strategy.

Mustard76 · August 2016

We have mostly joint accounts, save each of our allowance accounts. We made sure to add each other as beneficiary on our sole-owned accounts, though. We each have a checking and a savings for personal use funded via direct deposit. The bulk of our checks goes into a joint checking. From there I pay bills and transfer to various joint savings accounts. The system has worked for us for the last five and a half years, so as long as nothing catastrophic happens, we're in good shape. We do one thing differently than what I would assume to be the majority, though. If either of us has a car payment, that is to come out of allowance funds, not the household account. We each hold the title to our own vehicles individually, so that's the reason for it.

Edited for spelling and grammar.

formerlyjessica490 · August 2016

Congrats and welcome! We also have all joint savings/checking accounts except for our 401K/Roth accounts which are separate. It's easier for us to have these joint accounts because we can each see everything as a complete picture. We get paid bi-weekly so when we get paid we pay our bills, put some $ to savings, leave about $150 in our checking account for gas or anything else that comes up, and we each take out an allowance for the 2 weeks...it's usually anywhere from $60-$80 each. If there is a larger purchase that we want/need we save in advance or if it's a last minute "deal" we will just put it on our credit card and pay the bill once it comes in.

cbee817 · August 2016

Welcome to the board! We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and finally combined checking accounts over the summer. Not sure why we took so long to do it, but it helps a lot to have just 1 account. We go over larger purchases and give each other freedom to buy smaller things (usually $200 or less). We also have a large savings account as well as retirement/529 plans for our girls. We stay honest with each other and have been on the same page with finances from before we were married to now- communication has been key.

brij2006 · August 2016

Welcome and congratulations!

We combine our finances. Although, we sit down and do a budget together every month and plan for the upcoming months' expenses. So if he wants to go golfing and I want a manicure, we put our budget together and then see if we can fit those things in while still meeting our other goals.
We have a rule that if it's over $100 (except groceries) we have to consult each other first, and we have to sleep on it for at least 1 night.
We also have fun money budgeted in for each of us. When we were trying to get out of debt we only had $20 each. Now it's $50 each, but we can spend it however we see fit. It is not to be used on clothing, eating out, nor groceries, or entertainment. Our thoughts are that those budget items should then be increased if we're needing to use our fun money toward them.

So mostly, I hoard mine and save it up for a flight to California to see my BFF. My H uses his toward car parts for his toy car.

labro · August 2016

Welcome!!

My husband and I have been married for almost two years and I feel like we've really hit a comfortable stride within the past year in regards to budgeting. After we were married we both maintained our original accounts because of the various advantages we get out of them but we added each other as joint owners of the accounts and it's all treated as "our" money. We use YNAB (You Need A Budget) to track our spending, set savings goals, and maintain a budget. Being able to see with a quick check of the app on our phone how much money is left in say...my personal spending (mad money I guess) or our restaurant budget has helped me a lot. When we got married I had very very very different spending habits from my DH. He's a saver and I am/was anything but. Through YNAB and some very serious habit changes I've been able to cut back and we're well on our way to hopefully achieving early retirement some day.

hoffse · August 2016

Welcome.

We have joint accounts and trading authority on each other's investment & retirement accounts.

We don't do the mad money thing. Some months we spend more on him and other months we spend more on me, and that's fine. We figure that it all washes out, and we haven't experienced resentment issues because we spend differently. The only time we've discussed setting an account like that up is for gift-giving purposes, because we really can't surprise each other anymore with everything combined.

In terms of getting on the same page, I think part of it is recognizing that things that are important to you may not be important to him, and vice versa. And even if you guys disagree on things like drinks with friends, neither of you are wrong. I think a lot of couples lose the forest for the trees - they get annoyed by smaller, habitual purchases and forget that money is a really a long game. As long as your big picture goals are lining up and you are both making progress toward them, I think it's fine to spend that extra money differently from one another.

short+sassy · August 2016

Welcome! My H and I lived together for over 10 years before we got married. We kept our money separate then and we still do, more out of habit than anything else.

However, he's been unemployed for a long time. So I pay all the bills anyway, although he is on one of my checking accounts. If/when he does get a job again, we'll probably re-evaluate how we handle money and have more of a game plan. Plus that would be a big positive shift in the budget. But, in the meantime, other than discussing really major purchases (ie trips, real estate, cars), we don't make it a point to talk about other things.

Though it will sometime come up in conversation anyway. For example, my H likes looking at the electrical bill because we installed solar panels about 3 years ago and he likes reviewing how much we have saved.

julieanne912 · August 2016

We've been married almost a year. We haven't fully combined finances, not sure when we will, since we're in a good spot right now. I have my own checking and savings, he has his own checking and savings, and then we made my second checking account into a joint account, mainly because he banks with USAA and they don't have branches, so it's easier for him to deposit checks at the joint account, which is at a local credit union. He also put me on as an authorized user on one of his credit cards, but I don't ever use it.

As for our budget, I created both of our budgets, with input from him. However, we control them separately, meaning, I don't go in and pay things that are on his budget, or vice versa. Also generally, we have set "spending" categories. For example, I pay for all the groceries, and he pays for anything required to maintain the house (lawn equipment, tools etc). I pay for day to day pet expenses (food, treats, medication etc), but he pays for vet visits. He pays the mortgage, I pay the utilities, etc etc.

We're still working on communication in regards to large expenses. He tends to like to plan things, and then tells me "you owe me X amount". I've informed him that that will not work, and when he wants to plan something, to let me know, and I'll tell him what I can afford to contribute so he can plan accordingly. Now, I make significantly less than him so this probably isn't as big of an issue to people who are more equal earners, as I'd assume they can afford equal amounts for things.

julieanne912 · August 2016

Oh and I forgot, I just got a new car, and we are both on the loan and the title to it. Also when we refinanced, we put me on the title to the house (we purchased before we were engaged), but I'm still not on the mortgage, which is fine by me.

blondie42107 · August 2016

Welcome! H and I have been married over 9 years now. We kept our original bank accounts but added each other to them. We use one as our primary (all direct deposits/pay checks go in there) and the other we just toss money in occasionally. As far as other accounts, we are all joint. We don't do mad money. Typically if we want to get something that's over $100 we check with each other but there have been times when we talk something through for less than that - depends on the item/situation. We just really prefer to have one main checking account.

LillibetteV · August 2016

julieanne912 said:

We've been married almost a year. We haven't fully combined finances, not sure when we will, since we're in a good spot right now. I have my own checking and savings, he has his own checking and savings, and then we made my second checking account into a joint account, mainly because he banks with USAA and they don't have branches, so it's easier for him to deposit checks at the joint account, which is at a local credit union. He also put me on as an authorized user on one of his credit cards, but I don't ever use it.

As for our budget, I created both of our budgets, with input from him. However, we control them separately, meaning, I don't go in and pay things that are on his budget, or vice versa. Also generally, we have set "spending" categories. For example, I pay for all the groceries, and he pays for anything required to maintain the house (lawn equipment, tools etc). I pay for day to day pet expenses (food, treats, medication etc), but he pays for vet visits. He pays the mortgage, I pay the utilities, etc etc.

We're still working on communication in regards to large expenses. He tends to like to plan things, and then tells me "you owe me X amount". I've informed him that that will not work, and when he wants to plan something, to let me know, and I'll tell him what I can afford to contribute so he can plan accordingly. Now, I make significantly less than him so this probably isn't as big of an issue to people who are more equal earners, as I'd assume they can afford equal amounts for things.

The bolded is the #1 reason we joined all of our bank accounts when we got married. We would owe each other money when we were dating and I hated it - he felt more like a roommate or a friend than a life partner. We still have some separate credit card accounts (mostly out of laziness in making them joint) but the main card is joint and with our joint Personal Capital account we can both see everything. If we have a large bill we'll check in with each other to make sure we keep enough cash in the checking account, something like "hey babe I'm paying the Amex on Friday and it's $2k - you don't have any big bills going out this week too do you?".

We are still working on dealing with each other's spending habits because I tend to want to save more money that he does - even though he still saves more than the average person so I shouldn't complain! Lately it's been more about the clutter than the actual cash outlay when he shops and he's not putting us in the poor house so I need to learn to relax a bit (and start secretly throwing things away.....)

julieanne912 · August 2016

@LillibetteV and that kind of thing is why I'm not really into combining accounts! He's not as good with his spending... like, he pays all his bills etc., but he tends to overspend on "fun" stuff. So at least this way, he's only overspending with his money, and I know my money is safe and I'll have enough to pay what I need to pay for. It's not good, but I just don't trust him just yet with my money, even though it's way less than his.

short+sassy · August 2016

julieanne912 said:

@LillibetteV and that kind of thing is why I'm not really into combining accounts! He's not as good with his spending... like, he pays all his bills etc., but he tends to overspend on "fun" stuff. So at least this way, he's only overspending with his money, and I know my money is safe and I'll have enough to pay what I need to pay for. It's not good, but I just don't trust him just yet with my money, even though it's way less than his.

Not quite for the same reason, but we had family friends growing up who did this. The H was an attorney who made 4-5x what his wife did. However, she was the one who had always insisted that they keep their finances separate and pay for everything equally from their own money.

It was not his preference, because it meant he had to live more frugally than he would have otherwise, but it was very important to his wife so he went along with it. The only thing they didn't split costs on was vacations. He paid for all their traveling expenses.

LillibetteV · August 2016

julieanne912 said:

@LillibetteV and that kind of thing is why I'm not really into combining accounts! He's not as good with his spending... like, he pays all his bills etc., but he tends to overspend on "fun" stuff. So at least this way, he's only overspending with his money, and I know my money is safe and I'll have enough to pay what I need to pay for. It's not good, but I just don't trust him just yet with my money, even though it's way less than his.

And I think that is just a fundamental difference in the viewpoints between joint accounts vs. separate accounts. Neither is better than the other, but for me I wouldn't see it as overspending "his" money - it still affects me and our long-term goals as a family. If he spent every extra penny he had while I saved mine I think we would have serious resentment. We also don't think in individual salaries anymore; even though my salary is higher I don't have a right to spend more money than he does.

jtmh2012 · August 2016

LillibetteV said:

julieanne912 said:

@LillibetteV and that kind of thing is why I'm not really into combining accounts! He's not as good with his spending... like, he pays all his bills etc., but he tends to overspend on "fun" stuff. So at least this way, he's only overspending with his money, and I know my money is safe and I'll have enough to pay what I need to pay for. It's not good, but I just don't trust him just yet with my money, even though it's way less than his.

And I think that is just a fundamental difference in the viewpoints between joint accounts vs. separate accounts. Neither is better than the other, but for me I wouldn't see it as overspending "his" money - it still affects me and our long-term goals as a family. If he spent every extra penny he had while I saved mine I think we would have serious resentment. We also don't think in individual salaries anymore; even though my salary is higher I don't have a right to spend more money than he does.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with this thought. It's not my money or her money. It's our money.

brij2006 · August 2016

jtmh2012 said:

LillibetteV said:

julieanne912 said:

@LillibetteV and that kind of thing is why I'm not really into combining accounts! He's not as good with his spending... like, he pays all his bills etc., but he tends to overspend on "fun" stuff. So at least this way, he's only overspending with his money, and I know my money is safe and I'll have enough to pay what I need to pay for. It's not good, but I just don't trust him just yet with my money, even though it's way less than his.

And I think that is just a fundamental difference in the viewpoints between joint accounts vs. separate accounts. Neither is better than the other, but for me I wouldn't see it as overspending "his" money - it still affects me and our long-term goals as a family. If he spent every extra penny he had while I saved mine I think we would have serious resentment. We also don't think in individual salaries anymore; even though my salary is higher I don't have a right to spend more money than he does.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with this thought. It's not my money or her money. It's our money.

Soooo agree with these. H and I lived together for 5 years before we got married. Money was his and mine. It was pretty brutal. I saved, he spent. I made more money than him yet had less things than he did. It did cause quite a bit of resentment on my end because I came into the marriage with a savings and paid for our honeymoon in cash, and he came in with $900 on his credit card bill and was asking how we were going to pay it off.

However, we did discuss finances in depth before getting married. We know/knew that the #1 cause of divorce is money fights/problems. So we knew that we had to get that stuff straightened out, and the only way we would work as a team was if everything was "our" money and "our" debt.

I'm a huge advocate for Dave Ramsey's principals, but even if you don't follow his 100% debt free philosophy, he has great teachings on how to work together as a couple with finances. How to approach them with each other, how to set goals together, and how to do a budget together. I wish we would have found him early on in our marriage.

julieanne912 · August 2016

Well, as I said, it's something we're working on, and slowly making progress. But at the same time, we were also a bit "older" when we got married, I didn't even meet him til I was almost 30, we got married last year when I was 33. I guess that I don't see why I should have to combine finances with him when I was on my own for so long, just because that's what you're "supposed" to do when you get married. My mom and I have actually had a few heated discussions about this, because she doesn't think it's right either. Everyone has different viewpoints, and one is not better than the other.

But, that being said, I wouldn't be living a comfortable lifestyle if it weren't for him. He pays for a way larger portion of shared expenses than I do, and pays for most of our entertainment and vacations, and if I were on my own, I'd probably be living with roommates, eating ramen, and not ever going anywhere since hypothetically, that's all I'd be able to afford to do if I were responsible for all of my own living expenses. So while things aren't 100% shared, we're not 100% separate either.

LillibetteV · August 2016

@julieanne912 we were 29 and 30 when we were married and both had established households prior to merging. I think it definitely makes it a bit trickier than say being 19 and opening your first checking account together.

My husband wasn't 100% on board with full combination at first because he thought getting a new system set up would be a pain - he had the same argument as you that his system had already worked for him for 10 years so why change? My counter-argument was that it no longer worked for us as a couple so I wasn't spending the next 50 years using a broken system just to avoid an annoying transition for a few months. And the transition WAS annoying and a pain, but now it works perfectly and we stress less about our accounts. When my MIL thought it was weird we were totally joint my husband was the one to start telling her all the ways he thinks it's best for us. I don't think the set up of the physical accounts matters as much as the mindset of "what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours".

als1982 · August 2016

I'm sorry but the age thing is a total cop out. We got married at 30/31 and had zero problem combining finances. We started with a joint account to pay for our wedding and then after the wedding we made that our primary. Easy.

julieanne912 · August 2016

als1982 said:

I'm sorry but the age thing is a total cop out. We got married at 30/31 and had zero problem combining finances. We started with a joint account to pay for our wedding and then after the wedding we made that our primary. Easy.

Easy for you.

You know, sometimes the judgmental tones on this board get really old.

abrewer5 · August 2016

julieanne912 said:

Well, as I said, it's something we're working on, and slowly making progress. But at the same time, we were also a bit "older" when we got married, I didn't even meet him til I was almost 30, we got married last year when I was 33. I guess that I don't see why I should have to combine finances with him when I was on my own for so long, just because that's what you're "supposed" to do when you get married. My mom and I have actually had a few heated discussions about this, because she doesn't think it's right either. Everyone has different viewpoints, and one is not better than the other.

But, that being said, I wouldn't be living a comfortable lifestyle if it weren't for him. He pays for a way larger portion of shared expenses than I do, and pays for most of our entertainment and vacations, and if I were on my own, I'd probably be living with roommates, eating ramen, and not ever going anywhere since hypothetically, that's all I'd be able to afford to do if I were responsible for all of my own living expenses. So while things aren't 100% shared, we're not 100% separate either.

My H and I don't combine finances either and we got married young and have been together since we were 15. Both of us manage money completely different.. We talk about major purchases and generally have an idea of where money goes but other than our joint account which gets an allotment from us every pay check to cover the major expenses we don't know what the other does with left over money. It works for us. If we have something joint we need to save for or a goal we are working towards we'll just increase our joint account allotments.

I'm also incredibly independent and can't stand the idea of H ever paying for anything that is "mine" like my student loan debt or my vehicle. So I think that is another reason why I refuse to combine finances. It took him months to convince me that it was OK to add me to his health insurance to save me $100 a month versus going on my employer plan. I still really want to send an allotment to his account to cover my portion of the health insurance thou. That's just how my brain works.

You should do whatever works for you guys and it sounds like you are!

julieanne912 · August 2016

abrewer5 said:

julieanne912 said:

Well, as I said, it's something we're working on, and slowly making progress. But at the same time, we were also a bit "older" when we got married, I didn't even meet him til I was almost 30, we got married last year when I was 33. I guess that I don't see why I should have to combine finances with him when I was on my own for so long, just because that's what you're "supposed" to do when you get married. My mom and I have actually had a few heated discussions about this, because she doesn't think it's right either. Everyone has different viewpoints, and one is not better than the other.

But, that being said, I wouldn't be living a comfortable lifestyle if it weren't for him. He pays for a way larger portion of shared expenses than I do, and pays for most of our entertainment and vacations, and if I were on my own, I'd probably be living with roommates, eating ramen, and not ever going anywhere since hypothetically, that's all I'd be able to afford to do if I were responsible for all of my own living expenses. So while things aren't 100% shared, we're not 100% separate either.

My H and I don't combine finances either and we got married young and have been together since we were 15. Both of us manage money completely different.. We talk about major purchases and generally have an idea of where money goes but other than our joint account which gets an allotment from us every pay check to cover the major expenses we don't know what the other does with left over money. It works for us. If we have something joint we need to save for or a goal we are working towards we'll just increase our joint account allotments.
I'm also incredibly independent and can't stand the idea of H ever paying for anything that is "mine" like my student loan debt or my vehicle. So I think that is another reason why I refuse to combine finances. It took him months to convince me that it was OK to add me to his health insurance to save me $100 a month versus going on my employer plan. I still really want to send an allotment to his account to cover my portion of the health insurance thou. That's just how my brain works.
You should do whatever works for you guys and it sounds like you are!

You said it better than I did. I'm really independent too (even though I do have to rely on him for living expenses, which annoys me, but that's a different topic about how I don't make enough money LOL). The idea of him ever having to pay for my student loans or my car really doesn't sit well with me, especially the student loans since those were something I accrued years before we met. I'm not even crazy about him being on my car loan now, since he doesn't pay for it, but we got a much better interest rate because of him being on there.

LillibetteV · August 2016

@abrewer5 and @julieanne912 do you ever get tired of "keeping score"? I'm honestly curious because it would drive me nuts. I bought our house and he bought our car before we were married - we are still technically the only owners on each thing but they are "ours" and we pay the mortgage from the joint account and we worked together to pay off the car loan early. I don't understand the desire to keep things separate if it would cost you more in the long run. I jumped on to DH's insurance when I switched jobs because it saved us $300/month over what my new job offered - it wasn't even a consideration for me to stay on my own plan.

brij2006 · August 2016

LillibetteV said:

@abrewer5 and @julieanne912 do you ever get tired of "keeping score"? I'm honestly curious because it would drive me nuts. I bought our house and he bought our car before we were married - we are still technically the only owners on each thing but they are "ours" and we pay the mortgage from the joint account and we worked together to pay off the car loan early. I don't understand the desire to keep things separate if it would cost you more in the long run. I jumped on to DH's insurance when I switched jobs because it saved us $300/month over what my new job offered - it wasn't even a consideration for me to stay on my own plan.

I wonder this too.
We had everything separate until the marriage, but we lived together and shared the household expenses. We were even to the point that if we went out to eat we'd discuss who's "turn" it was to pay. When we traveled together, we each paid our portion of the trip. It was definitely a roommate agreement, not a joint partnership.

Whether finances are combined or separate, the biggest thing I think a lot of people on here are trying to get at is that there has to be very open communication about each others' goals, dreams, retirement, etc. Things do need to be planned for as a couple or there will be resentment.

@julieanne912 I don't think anyone on here is making judgements, we've just read your posts in how the finances are in your household and many of us on here have been in your shoes. We know and understand how difficult it is and are trying to give you ideas and options in how to correct it before it gets worse. It's very obvious that there's some frustration on your end as to how he handles his finances, and that's definitely going to only get even worse as time goes on.

GTKY / joint finances

Re: GTKY / joint finances

Choose Another Board

Search Boards