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I need advice..
My husband is the most wonderful man I have ever met. He is good to me and always wants to make sure I am happy. I love him so much too and when I am not with him, I think about how much I miss him and can't wait to see him and be with him! The problem is, when I am with him, I treat him like crap! I feel super annoyed and always want to make fun of him! I feel horrible and I have been working on being loving and kind. But I just don't get why I feel this way? I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful person to be with and I really need some advice on how to be more loving and kind instead of naggy and bitchy.
Re: I need advice..
Your feelings could be part of the adjustment process of living together.
I wanted to ask...do you respect your DH? I am not asking in a Gup fashion (mega religious, "wives must respect their husbands no matter what" kind of way) but do you feel that he is more attached to you than you are to him. When you deep down don't respect a person, everything that person does will drive you crazy!
Is this your first marriage? Did you live on your own and were independent before you two got married?
I ask this because I'm 27 and I married my XH when I was 19, we split when I was 23 and since then I have become this very independent person. My last boyfriend moved in with me and I was use to having things done the way I wanted them or in the place I wanted them and my XSO coming in and altering that was annoying to me. It definitely takes some adjusting and flexability on your part if that's how you are. Guys are usually not as organized as we are and usually have a more "go with the flow" attitude compared to us females.
Do you love him or the idea of him? I had a boyfriend once who I fell in love with... when he was out of town. I realized after the fact that he wasn't at all the person I was in love with. When I read your opening post, I got the impression that he just annoyed you generally whenever you were togehter. So I'd suggest you seriously consider what your annoyance is.
If it really is just annoyance over the house not being exactly how you like it, and this leads to you "nagging," you should probably consider your communication style. And remember (1) that you can have a discussion about the household without being a nag - I hate that word and how often it's used as a cop-out (by men as a way to ignore their wives); and (2) have that discussion with your husband.
How's your self-esteem? That may sound like a corny question, but your post reminds me a lot of my ex husband.
He swore up and down that he loved me and that I was awesome, but he treated me like crap. He criticized every little thing I did, belittled me, tried to control me, etc. It was total emotional/verbal abuse.
During counselling, our therapist said he had terrible self-esteem (he did!) and didn't feel worthy of happiness. Therefore he was unconsciously sabotaging our relationship. It's the only thing that ever made sense to me, especially since he did the same thing to his first wife (though I didn't know until we were already married), and he ended up doing the same thing to the woman he married after our divorce.
I doubt he's ever changed because he refused to continue therapy or get help for himself.
Anyway, I'd suggest speaking with a therapist before you do irreversible damage to your relationship.
Ding, ding, ding!
Exactly what I was thinking. I went through this as well. I had grown so use to dating losers that when I got a good guy, I didn't know how to act. I would pick on them because I didn't know how else to behave and my self-esteem was so low that I didn't believe a good guy could love me. Needless to say, the only thing that helped me out was counseling.
dont feel bad about any of this right after my fi got engaged i treated him like this. im laid back i do like things done my way but im not all that bad. but he has COD i think everything has to be done perfectly. so we talked about what was going on made a list of what annoyed me and him. mine was much longer. but it has worked. we are in the process of buying our first home and we both live with our parents but we were house sitting for his grandmother during the winter due to she leaves august through February. we were living in her house at the time so i completely understand. so we just knew that we needed to work on it so it didn't affect or marriage. so talk to your H if hes as great of a guy as you say he will be more then willing to help fix all this.
p.s there will always be thing that you get annoyed by from him. i have learnd to not worry about all of them just the major ones. good luck and congrats on the recent wedding.
shes not bi polar she just is new at living with someone and is trying to adapt so stop jumping to conclusion.
Something similar happened to me after we got married last year. I was so irritated all the time. It passed after a couple weeks. I honestly feel it was something I refer to as "post wedding depression." For the year we were engaged, there was so much excitement and so much to look forward to. After the wedding, it was like going through withdrawl.
Also, you might have had unrealistic expectations for what marriage was going to be like. Maybe you are disappointed that it is basically the same day to day life you had before.
I hope you work things out!
You're welcome =0)
I personally don't believe you're bipolar either. Now, if 6mos to a year down the road things are still like this, then you might want to do some further investigation.
THIS!! So true! I just got married March 27th and in the last few weeks I am finally getting out of this post wedding depression/ withdrawl! It made me irritable with DH as well and all the little things we do differently. Don't worry. It will pass. Just keep communication open- that is key!!!
no problem people on here are so quick to jump down someones throat but i hope everything gets better!
I read this and immediately I got nervous. I do the same thing to my fiance and we've been together for almost 3yrs, getting married in 2weeks. At first I thought I was pmsing.. or now they have this new PMDD thing but our counsellor suggested I might be bi-polar.
Coming from a culture where any kind of mental illness is stigmatized I brushed it off and said no its just mood swings. Took me over a yr to eventually come to terms with the fact that i might be bipolar and close to another year to really seek help.
Im not saying you are, but you really should seek help from a professional, not necessarily a psychologist/psychiatrist w/e but just a counsellor to first establish if its just an underlying issue that you need to talk about or if there really is bipolarism present.
Also if there is any history of any mental illness in your family you might be at risk. - mental illness is not like off your rockers crazy, cause people can be sick and ignore it as an "eccentric personality"
Anyhoo.. seek help, and I hope it works out for the best. It sounds like you love each other a lot and that goes a long way. I thank G_d everyday for my fiance's patience with me and he tells me everyday "youre crazy, but Im not going anywhere"
good luck
I am sort of the same way, and it seems almost natural at times to speak to DH in a demeaning way or to always be annoyed with him. I would always beg and plead to get him to just do what I asked him to (put your dirty dishes in the dishwashers, don't throw your laundry on the floor, etc) because I just would think to myself, if only he would stop doing the things the irritated me then I could stop nagging/yelling/complaining and all would be good. But in the end I think I have begun to figure out that my expectations are not reality and I need to come to terms with the way life really is. It was hard for me to reach this point where I can give up on the thought that one day he will "learn" to do better, or in other words that I could "train" him to do better, and just accept him the way he is now and work on those things as we go along.
As far as the bi-polar thing goes, it was always in the back of my mind that the reason I acted so mean and annoyed instinctively and had to fight myself to be normal was due to bi-polar because it does run in my family. My mother, her mother and numerous other extended family members have been diagnosed with it and battle it everyday. So I wasn't sure if I was acting that way because I was raised in a house where my mother acted that way or if I actually had bi-polar disorder myself. I had always thought of bi polar as extreme highs and lows and I never really felt those extremes, just a constant feeling of being a b*tch. And I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it literally was like I had to fight my own self to stop it.
But anyways, it doesn't seem like that is the problem you have. I agree with whoever else said that you have to catch yourself doing it and stop yourself in your tracks. You just have to gain control over yourself I guess. Good luck!
Living with a new DH can be a trying experience. My DH has the habit of throwing his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor EVERY morning. The hamper is literally 20 inches away. It used to annoy the crap out of me, now I'm used to it. I always pick up after him. When I'm PMSing I'll throw a jab about me not being his maid and he apologizes but he'll keep doing it. I focus on all his amazing qualities instead of all the annoying ones. I'm annoying too and he loves me and puts up with me. It's really a give and take. Pick your battles and don't be mean to him, words can never be taken back.
Good Luck.
Lots of great advice has already been posted and I'm hoping you are figuring things out. Your post struck a chord with me and I thought maybe you are like me.
I've noticed when I treat my husband poorly it usually stems from a bigger issue that we aren't dealing with. For example, I will be upset about lack of snuggle time, but choose to yell at him about not helping me sweep, or leaving all the cooking to me. See what I'm getting at?
If the issue really is that you like things done a certain way and he seems to do things "the wrong way", take this as an opportunity to learn compromise and also remind yourself that dishes will still get clean if he puts them in the dishwasher backwards, and life will go on if he folds the t-shirts instead of hanging them up.
Good luck!
ITA. Also, maybe I missed it in my skimming, but I have found it really helps if I find out WHY my dh is doing something the way he's doing it. Sometimes knowing more about something, even if it's just why he puts the TP under instead of over, is helpful in understanding it and either accepting it or coming to a resolution. For my DH it doesn't really matter whether the TP is over or under, he puts it under because a previous cat would play with it, and for me it bugs me so much I will change it around, so our resolution? It doesn't matter to him, but it does to me, so when he puts it on he'll put it on over.....although he still occasionally forgets and does it his old way and I just change it over.
Good luck, keep up a strong line of communication, discover new ways to communicate and I am sure you two will be fine. It's quite an adjustment living with a person.
You mentioned that you're only married a month and that you didn't live together before so I say that this is a completely normal part of the adjustment.....and, add this to the fact that the post-wedding and post-honeymoon time is often a little anti-climatic since you've had these incredible experiences that you spent months (maybe longer) looking forward to and planning for and now it's all over in a blink of an eye.
As for how to deal with it, I think that the first year (give or take) is the hardest year of marriage. You know each other well but you're also REALLy starting to get to know each other in ways that you've never thought about before. Little things can really add up--he rolls the toothpaste wrong, leaves dishes in the sink, gets in the shower wrong, however little or stupid the offense, it can be hard to deal with at first. All I can say is that with time and communication is DOES get better. There are a lot of things that each of you will just learn to live with and it won't bother you as much. There are others things where one or both of you will learn how to compromise and/or do it differently. In the meantime, just really hard to make an effort not to snap at him. If he's on the couch lounging while you are tired from work and making supper and then doing the dishes, instead of snapping at him, try to calmly tell him that you feel exhausted and underappreciated. (As one example) Also, keep in mind that sometimes men need to hear something multiple times before it sinks in. The trick is to tell them multiple times without nagging. (I'm still learning that one.) Finally, now that you're married, remember to keep dating. If money is an object, check out the free/low cost things that your area offers. But, make sure to keep doing the things that you did while you were dating/falling in love. That will help to keep the relationship alive and growing stronger while you deal with the transition phase at home. (Also, most likely, you're not as annoyed by him in public as you are at home so the nagging/bitchiness won't be a factor.)
DH does this thing with his socks: when he takes off his shoes, he leaves both of his socks laying on the floor (or the arm of the couch) beside his shoes. When we first moved in together, it annoyed me like crazy. I would see them and go "REALLY!? YOU CAN'T CARRY THESE TO THE DIRTY CLOTHES HAMPER?!?"
Total b**** of me. But now it doesn't bother me anymore. It's just a thing that he does with his socks, and it is actually kind of funny.
If it is things like that that you are having problems with, I would suggest taking a deep breath and thinking before you start nagging or yelling or picking on him or whatever. Figure out what you are really mad about, if it is even worth being mad about and then talk to him. It'll all be okay if you just relax and keep those communication lines open.