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am I crazy (no, for real)?
So some peeps on the politics board are trying to tell me that attachment parenting involves nuturing your child, balancing your needs with theirs, and asking kids nicely to do things or behave, and only discipline them if they don't listen.
I'm like.....uh....This is just parenting. What makes it "attachment?"
I also went and looked up a "what's your parenting style" quiz. The questions and options were all phrased as follows:
Your kid spilled his milk on the floor, what do you do?
a) Fly into a rage and smash his face into the puddle and scream, "I will never love you, you stupid worthless klutz!" and then make him lick it up.
b) Tell your child it's OK, it was an accident, but tell him that he still needs to clean up the mess and help him by getting a rag.
c) Congratulate your prodigy child on his groundbreaking milk art and take a picture and stick it to the fridge. Call your mom and brag loudly to grandma about how wonderful this milk puddle is and how proud you are to have such a gifted milk artist for a son. Clean up the milk after your child goes to bed and weep silently to yourself with guilt. Make a note to ask your child's therapist how this might impact his self esteem.
And you have to pick just one! Good luck!
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Re: am I crazy (no, for real)?
This would be a valid question, if this were the premise of attachment parenting. It may be in the non-bump world, but that's not what it is on these boards.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Yeah see, there's no real "AP" way of doing things. Every time there is a debate over there about someone using an exersaucer (or baby holder - ha or ceasing to breastfeed before Jr is in kindergarten) people throw that out. "There's no rule! Do what is best for your baby and you!" Ok so.... ?
There are so many debate as to what it is and what you're supposed to do/not do.I think every parent is sort of doing an attachment thing. I think the term attachment parenting is absurd because it implies there is an opposite. I'm a detached parent because I don't wear Jo 5 hours a day or sleep with her beside the bed?
It's very strange.
I don't know anyone in RL who needs to label their parenting this was so new, its fascinating to me. Dr. Sears was someone I laughed out loud at. I felt so condescended to and part of his book was downright ignorant. He's a very odd man. I'm not a fan of his writing .
I do think at least part of the "AP' movement is parents using the term to excuse somewhat controversial decisions to family members etc... So it looks like they're some guru when the MIL questions why their 3 year old is still in their bed. KWIM?
Okay so I'm not a parent but I'm pretty sure the only real answer in that is B.
I guess I am going to be a SUPER awesome Mom.
Obviously the correct answer is a. Duh.
I don't even pretend to get attachment parenting, and I have a major problem with an old man telling me how to be a good mother. I just always thought that the ultimate goal is to raise a child without attachment issues, but that's just me.
It is just parenting. Common sense and using your instincts.
The "attachment" allows these ladies to mount their high horses and marvel at their superiority to the uneducated masses. It's a clever phrase, much like "pro-life" implies that if you aren't pro-life you must be anti-life and killing babies, AP implies that if you aren't AP, you must be a cold, detached non-parent.
But at least it sells a bunch of Dr. Sears books and spawned the baby carrier cottage industry.
I was talking about this with some friends over the weekend. There's also room in child rearing for "benign neglect." In fact, it's as important for their development as being able to form emotional attachments. MC is like Ethan, she needs time to chill on her own as well.
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
Just yesterday Maggie was stuck trying to get a toy that was wedged between her little folding table and chairs and a big play ball. For a split second I thought about getting up to help her, then I realized I wouldn't be doing her any favors by not letting her figure out how to get out of this little puzzle. Too many parents these days are too quick to fix everything for their kids. That's something I imagine a lot of AP parents do.
Of course, Maggie's still stuck behind the ball, but hey, she's learning a lesson.
You left Maggie stuck behind a ball? Way to teach her a lesson.
Seriously, I love watching Ian trying to solve problems.
I'll confess that I had read all this crap spewed by AP-type people about issues children formed when you didn't hold them enough or didn't answer their cries at night.
I know that contributed to my sleepless child. I was so anxious and she was so anxious and it was this horrible vicious circle where I essentially never taught Jo how to sleep on her own without help. As soon as I read Ferber's book I understood more about sleep cycles and BOOM trannnnnnnnnnnnnsformation. My baby needed to be put down. That's what she needed. And I was too busy feeling guilty and making it all about being the awesome receptive jump-at-every-cry mother that I forgot that.
Next one is getting completely ignored.
Yes! Exactly. And Jo is now at the stage where she wants to figure it out on her own. Don't you dare touch her puzzle if she's having trouble, or help steady her blocks. She freaks out. "NO touch a my puzzle mommy! I do it myself." I like that.
I hear you on the sleep thing, Lanie. Part of it is how they are hardwired but part of it is how you respond to them. Maggie is an early bird, light sleeper and needs her routines. Even when she was Owen's age I had to do things a certain way, couldn't move her if she was asleep, etc.and I think we fed into those poor sleep tendencies even more by some of the things we did to respond to her.
Now Owen, that kid sleeps like the dead anytime, anywhere. Maggie lifted up his eyelid yesterday while he was sleeping and it didn't faze him. The only issue we have is that he's certainly what Ferber calls a night owl. He sleeps 8 hours at night, wakes up to eat at 7, and sleeps another 3 hours until 10 AM. Though with an early bird sister it's OK because it lets the two of us spend time together in the AM before he wakes up.
I already see Miles trying to figure out stuff. Of course, it's much more basic things, like in the tub last night. I could see him thinking, "I really want the rubber ducky to be in my right hand but he's currently stuck under my left leg. How do I get this whole dilemma resolved?". It was somewhat frustrating for me, but really funny/fascinating at the same time. He just had such a determined look on his face.
I agree that kids need to figure these types of things out from an early age. Problem solving is a really important skill and I'm noticing that it starts much earlier than I would have thought.
I liked Dr. Ferber's book. We never used a method to get Ian to sleep through the night, other than trying to create good habits and a bedtime routine.
That's great that Dagger can fall asleep on his own.
This always cracks me up. All those debates end with "I'm not judging; everyone should do what's best for their baby and family." Bullshit. If that's really what they thought, they wouldn't be throwing out "statistics" and engaging in 5 page posts pushing their view. They think they are right and people who make different choices are wrong and not doing the best for their children, which is normal. I suspect strongly, though, that if they didn't have deep fears that they weren't doing the best, they wouldn't be nearly so defensive-aggressive about it all. Like the sling girl, I suspect that the need to be the end-all-be-all expert on slings is an attempt to feel that she's at least doing this one thing perfectly.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
Nest this. The AP board makes my blood boil. If you question (or laugh at) their parenting decisions, then you're just uneducated & HAVEN'T DONE YOUR RESEARCH. Tthese are the same chicks that are judging you on the style of baby carrier you use, or GOD forbid, if you use a stroller and don't BF until the kid is 12.
Parenting is common sense. you love your kid and do what feels right. it's not rocket science
I dare say if they were doing the exact right end all be all solution to child raising there wouldn't be so many high maintanence kids who hit them etc etc. I have never heard of so many kids like this. It is like high maintanence infant is their ADHD or asperger's. In fact, I am sure later they will find a way tonn diagnose the kids with that too.
ETA: I would say it is probably the quality of time together over the quantity. Great, you wear your kid for 5 hours. But, since you are always on the internet, are those 5 hours spent surfing the web? becuase then is that really interaction with the child or have you just become a piece of furniture that types.
These are all things I keep wanting to say when I get into the attachment debate, but since I don't have a kid, I know the reaction will be, "Look at you miss know it all! You've babysat some kids. Great! You know everything now. Please, share your wisdom."
Buddha, by the way, what you're doing IS attachment parenting. Anything you do that doesn't make your baby scream is AP. So congratulations, you're enlightened.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Oh absolutely. I have to imagine that anyone who has business cards with "wrap expert" on them needs a few pats on the back in other areas. ::waves to ncbelle::
But I have also realized that somewhere in its depths, the literature of doctor sears mimicks the pre WWI crazy eugenics literature. The kind where the woman was responsible for every mistake the child ever made. Where children became sort of god like soldiers and we were there to do their bidding? And I see a lot of anti woman sentiment in it. Dr. Sears is no friend of feminism I can tell you that much.
You should be. That's a big accomplishment!
Actually its a warning sign. A warning sign of detachment. I wonder if there's anything to do about this now. It might be too late. I'll pray for him.
The first time I heard that I should check with my local "baby wearing group" about a toddler carrier for Jo, I laughed my ass off.
COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNN NOOOOOOOOOOW. She's 2!
Another sign that my child will need extensive therapy. He's been STTN for a week, and he's not even in the same room as me. It's obviously a horrendous crime that should be addressed.
Maybe I need a badge for the nest.