Sex & Romance
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Husband keeps asking for this particular act, I am against it
I agree with some PP's. I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that someone who loves you would be able to continue to be turned on by doing something to you that you dislike so much. If I had to pressure my husband to do something over and over and over again, just wearing him down until he accepted, by the time we actually did it I would feel like I was raping his or something.
No wonder you feel like anal sex is so much about control. It seems like in your and your husbands relationship, it would have to be.
I had heard about it and couldn't see any virtue in the activity. However DH was curious and I was somewhat. Plus there was the thrill of the "forbidden".
We did everything right with lube and took it slow. It will probably never make me orgasm yet it doesn't hurt either. Then again DH never lasts long enough to really know. A few strokes or just a couple if I squeeze, brings him to an instant O.
Degrading? We are married and have children, that has pretty much explored "human folly and loss dignity".
We in the modern west seem to be unaware or have forgotten. That it was anal sex, sex during your period, oral sex or have yet another baby. Since the dawn of recorded history. And still to this day for the poor in the 3rd world.
While I have to respect that he is getting his sexual desires out there (which I think is healthy in any relationship) he is obviously going about this in ALL the wrong ways and he sounds like an a**hole. When my DH wanted to try anal, he treaded on the subject lightly and we found ways to work up to it (lubed up finger was the first) and it was probably another year after using a finger every so often that we tried anal (which was on a drunken new years night) I used to enjoy it but ever since my pregnancy and those lovely hemorrhoids, its just a no go anymore, so even though he really likes it, he RESPECTS that it is now painful for me. He would never EVER say that if I loved him I would give him something that is painful (physically or emotionally) for me.
While in most situations I would say to find a compromise (Maybe using a small butt plug?) but he's being such an arse that I wouldn't want to negotiate lol.
Your response really hit home. His reaction to this has indicated there are some things that he doesn?t understand why I feel a certain way or that I don?t need detailed logical explanations for how an action, behavior, or statement makes me feel. I don?t know if this is a fundamental difference of the sexes? My feelings v. his want for a logic/action plan has also come up in another issue I wrote about in another post that I am struggling with right now. I know that DH is fundamentally a loving and good person, I just become so frustrated when I explain how I feel about something and it either isn?t enough or he wants me to tell him how to ?fix it.? We are recently married with a 1 yr old, so the marriage is not something I can give up on because of minor issues.
I wonder if this specific thing is less about me and more about him. I also feel like I can say this here because it is pretty anonymous. When DH was a child he was molested and sodomized by his cousins and uncles. He actually wants me to use my finger or vibrator in him there and has hinted at this many times, to which I told him I am not interested in that for either him or me. This is the main reason why I don?t think his fascination with this is from an awful purposefully controlling place, but more of a damaged place.
Then I think he needs to seek therapy. But it does sound a bit controlling still. Like he felt helpless and out of control when he was being molested, so in turn he wants to feel in control for once. Classic victim logic.
First things first, he's a jerk. I've been in a relationship where anal has come up before and I broke down and did it, it was horrible and painful. He kept telling me it will feel better once I'm used to it. Buy, why should you have to get used to something for it to feel good?
I agree with Zinger37, ask him if you can stick something up his anus. If he says no, ask why? Also, add in that you want to love that part of him and you can't help what turns you on.
If he won't back off, try therapy. If therapy doesn't work, you need to decide if you can live with him pestering you for the rest of your life or not. And, I am sure you know what you will have to do if your answer is "not".
I'm a little late responding on this but I wanted to post.
The "reason" that men want anal sex so badly is because they're pretty selfish. That's the best way to explain it. The way I've had it explained to me by exes is that when a woman orgasms, vaginal spasms feel great for your man, and your anus mimicks those spasms and tightness consistently without having to actually put forth the effort to get you off. Boys like anal because it's easy.
Now, as for how to handle your tactless jackass of a husband (sorry, it's just TRUE), I agree with a lot of the ladies- if he continues to insist, you should insist on doing something equally awful to him. You're humiliated by anal sex, right? What humiliates him the most? Does he have a fear of being naked in public, is he vain about his hair, etc? Trade off. If he shaves his head bald, or walks around your neighborhood naked, or even allows you to use a toy on him, then you'll give in. The guy honestly seems to up his own ass (no pun intended) that he would never agree to something that would humiliate himself, no matter what the pay off was.
Do keep us updated on how this turns out.
Maybe it's also the boys with their toys in the sand box? They all want what the other have and they don't.
Some men beg for but are never allowed to have sex with the lights on, sex other than the missionary position, BJ's, going down on his women, two piece bathing suit on his honey. nudie photos, anal or what ever.
I'll bet there are some men out there that beg for something other than the missionary position in the dark. As much you DH wants to try a "new place" that "everybody else" gets except him.
The man who wants more than the missionary position in the dark is probably complained about and considered a pervert by his wife.