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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Can we discuss
You all know that I'm not hung up on biology, but here's my take. I didn't marry my husband because that made it possible to have kids. I didn't look for a man because I wanted someone to provide me with children and help me parent. My relationship with my husband is about we make one another feel, exclusively. Any children we bring into this world and/or raise are a different matter. I could never toss my husband away because of children--with the exception that he became abusive or neglectful of our children. The two simply are not related beyond that.
I haven't read the ML post yet, but it sounds to me like the OP must have some misconceptions of adoption and sperm donation, and is making her mind up based on isolated cases and stories she heard/read/saw on TV. It's not unusual for in the early stages of finding non-biological ways to build their families to have fears based on misconceptions.
I also think it sounds like she married her husband with it in mind that part of the deal was that he was to supply her with children. Now that he can't live up to that expectation, she's ready to cut and run.
2013 Calendars and More!
She has basically said that is what she would do.
Maybe I don't have a heightened sense of smell, but I've never smelled any vagina on my pants. -- TSD
Bloggity Blog - You know you want to...
That is just crazycakes to me.
And how many years will she waste in relationships then have the guy get tested and find out his sperm isn't good enough. Then she has to start all over.
I can never ever imagine leaving Joe if he was not able to give me Ben. Kids were just icing on the cake for us.
2013 Calendars and More!
As the person in the relationship who "the problem" in regards to having kids, I would be devastated if my husband even considered leaving me because of it. I also cannot imagine leaving him if the roles were reversed.
In fact, we have been discussing our options (fertility treatments vs. adoption) and when I posed the question to him about getting an egg donor so that he could at least have a bio kid, he said something along the lines of, "I don't look at this as me having my kid, but rather as us having our kid. If you can't have a bio kid, I am not hung up on that." I feel the same way about him.
ETA: although I am open to having a kid however we can, I think it would be awesome to have a mini-version of my H running around because I think he is adorable as an adult, I just can't imagine how cute he was when he was a littlin'
11/11/11 = 5 years. Woah!
I think she sounds incredibly selfish. If the tables were turned and she was posting that her H was wanting a divorce because she couldn't have kids, they would all be screaming about how horrible he was.
He is supposed to be the person she wanted to spend her life with, there was no * in the vows about his sperm count. The whole thing just makes me sad for them both. I can see leaving him if he suddenly decided he didn't want kids but this is so different.
I have had friends who both agreed no kids, then he changed his mind and wantedkids, they divorced, 15 months after the divorce, she was pregnant with his child, they are now living together with their son.
I also can't picture her explaining why she was divocred to potential dates. "My husband couldn't have kid so I ditched him".
This is what I was thinking. What if it takes her years to find someone... and then she may run through a few guys who split when she asks for them to squirt in a cup. Now she's in her 30s, and maybe the "right" guy wants to wait a few years to try for a kid. Maybe she won't be so perfectly fertile at that point.
Plus, even if she finds someone willing to jump threw her hoops and they do get married, that's no guarantee that she'll be able to get pregnant quickly or easily, or carry a pregnancy to term. So far as I know my husband and I have no fertility issues, yet I had a miscarriage.
Maybe I don't have a heightened sense of smell, but I've never smelled any vagina on my pants. -- TSD
Bloggity Blog - You know you want to...
... "so please take this cup and this dirty magazine and I'll wait here for your sample."
Maybe I don't have a heightened sense of smell, but I've never smelled any vagina on my pants. -- TSD
Bloggity Blog - You know you want to...
While I agree with this (anybody remember Jules getting dumped by her FI while she was in the middle of some serious woman issues because there was the potential she may not be able to pop out some kids for him?), it sounds like they both are on the same page about this. I just think it's a very sad conclusion to make, especially since they're still so young.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
It's too bad we can't hear it from him. I guess I have trouble believing that because I just can't wrap my head around that thinking.
I just wonder if that's how he really feels or if he is just so insecure because he can't get her pregnant he is saying whatever she wants to hear.
Of course it does, because she's telling the story! He may be saying, "Go ahead; I want you to be happy," but that doesn't mean he's not hurting and won't resent her for it.
Example: My ex was great at playing the martyr. He had it down to a science, complete with his motto, "nice guys finish last." He was convinced that no good could ever last for him, because he was such a good guy he always put everyone else's needs first. Finally, I came to realize that he wasn't such a good guy because of his shitty attitude.
Just because her husband is saying he wants her to be happy, does not mean he's not dying inside that she would even think to leave him over this. I'm sure he's already checked out of the relationship because he's been so hurt. In fact, I'd garner that even if she decided now she'd rather have him than kids, their relationship would never be the same.
2013 Calendars and More!
2013 Calendars and More!
There has to be other stuff going on.
We had discussed this prior to even being engaged, because we had friends going through some serious (7 year long) fertility issues. We had agreed if we tried and were unsuccessful that we wouldn't have testing done. We would potentially adopt, or just be a couple who got to vacation frequently.
To wangers question, I am sure there are men out there that I could fall in love with and could make me happy. But I could never find another K.
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
Why don't you guys go ask some of your questions over there?
This is making me feel squicky, especially some of the snarkier comments about how "precious" it would be if she were IF (which I'm guessing she's not, since I assume they were both tested for various issues when they had trouble conceiving) and how she's in for a rude awakening when she starts dating.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
My aunt cannot have biological children and it out a huge strain on her first marriage 25+ years ago and they ended up divorcing. I think it was a situation where they knew she couldn't have children, he said it was ok and they would figure something out, then he changed his mind and wanted biological children. There had to have been other issues going on though.
I don't think I would ever find anyone else that "gets me" like my H. I might be happy with another but it is hard to imagine I would ever be this happy. My MIL does not date and she lost FIL 9 years ago. She doesn't rule out the possibility in the future but says no one will ever compare to her H so for now she is happy living her life the way it is.
So with that time line, did they start trying the nanosecond they got married, or did they get married even younger that 21? It's possible that having kids was more important than the marriage to her from the start.*
*I realize this is a broad assumption based on little more than an age
I thought it was pretty ridiculous, especially since Captain admitted she didn't even read the post. Did y'all hear they're building a mosque on Ground Zero with a big statue dedicated to Osama bin Laden?
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
This exactly. I post over there from time to time, but I don't know this girl any better than any other random whose post gets C&Pd. As I stated before, I wanted to know what people here thought just as an interesting discussion. I didn't want to antagonize her by putting it over there.
Yeah, that was my thing. The not reading the post. Sorry I didn't specify that. Cold meds are a hell of a drug, Cali.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
And that's fine and understandable. It's when it got kinda snarky coupled with the "I didn't even read the post, but ..." Before that it was a discussion of "What would you do if ..." and wasn't personal.
I dunno. I like a lot of the MLers so I get protective when it takes that turn. Especially, as Cali said, when judgments are formed after not even having all the information.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
So then say, "It's dumb when people don't read the whole post and comment."
I've read most of it, though it's hard to know on that board if I've missed one or two of the gazillion posts on any given topic. I think she's in for a rude awakening.
I did:
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
I really do too. I just don't think it's going to turn out the way she is envisioning. I'm hoping that the trial separation shows her that he's more important to her than she realized.