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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Married 14 days...and homesick!
I have been married just 14 days and already I feel homesick! Not enough to leave my H alone and go crawl into bed at my parents but almost! Obviously I know that is not the right thing to do!
Any suggestions for how I can get rid of these sad/lonely/missing feeling? Should I stay away from my parents or go there when ever I can? I have no idea....
Re: Married 14 days...and homesick!
How old is your H?
When I married my husband I moved 2.5 hours away. It's not very far, I know. The first three weeks of my marriage everything was new and different; new town, new people, no job... I was overwhelmed and missed familiar things and people like crazy! My parents came to visit for the 4th of July (three weeks after our wedding) and after that things just seemed a little better. Yes everything was still new, but it wasn't as overwhelming.
So, it will be better. Keep yourself busy, make your house a home, sleep at your house with your H, and invite your parents over for dinner or something.
So much of this post makes me cringe. IMHO, it is absolutely essential to live on your own, independent of your family, supporting yourself, etc. before you get married.
The best advice i can offer is to treat this phase of your life as an adventure. Decorate your place and make it your own. Go visit new businesses, shops, etc in your new town, etc. Learn and get familiar with your new surroundings, and then it won't feel so strange.
I have no help because I can't even imagine feeling like that. I also cant believe how many other women have felt like that...makes me feel like im in the twilight zone.
::looks around:: is it 1955? Did I go back in time again??
In all seriousness and since you can't go back and do thing differently, OP, yes, you'll get used to living away from home.
I totally agree. I lived, traveled, worked, moved on my own for so many years before getting married. I can't even believe people feel this way. Did any of you go to college?
agreed!
Wow, I'm sorry you feel this way, but I too am having a hard time understanding why at 23 you have never lived on your own. By the time I was your age I had lived on my own for 5 years.
On another note, when I first moved out it was a bit overwhelming and I was a bit homesick. Once I got into a routine, made friends, and got involved with things I no longer felt as homesick. I actually found myself getting lost in what I was doing and being independent, and having to make the time to go home and visit family. It will pass, you just need to find your niche where you are.
I have to go ahead and agree with the others. I am 23 myself and got married last month. I don't think 23 is too young to get married. I do think that some 23 year olds are too immature to be married though. I moved out at 18. I cannot fathom wanting to live with your parents. I love my parents and love spending time with them. But I will never WANT to live with them.
Why is it that you don't want to share a home with your husband, cook your own meals, do your own laundry, etc? Don't you want to be independent? I hate to be harsh but you definitely have some growing up to do.
It may help if you begin seeing where you live as home. Since you don't - then start making it home, including ways to involve your parents/family in your new life and home in ways that are fun and spportive for you.
My sister was a bit miffed that I wasn't "homesick" more when I moved out of town. But I was very busy and excited to jump into my new life. That first step was my home. I have always felt that my home was here. Not my childhood home.
Where are you spending Thanksgiving? DH and I got married on Oct 15th and we were really excited to spend our first holiday together, in our own, new home. Both sets of families declined our invitations to join us. And we had th e very best day making the holiday our own. And it still is one of my favoites.
Ewww. Ewww. Ewww.
So you moved from your parents home to your old-enough-to-be-your-parent-H's home? Yeah that's not at all messed up
Yeah I agree with the others, I'm shocked at how many women feel like this.
I get that it's an adjustment, but why aren't you excited to set up your own home?
Were you anxious about leaving your parents before you moved out? or did it just hit you after the fact? If it was beforehand, what did you do about that?
Obviously maintain contact with your parents, but don't go sobbing on their shoulder.
Spend time with your HUSBAND, making your house a home, creating your own routines together.
Also spend time creating a life of your own that doesn't revolve around your husband. Maybe join a club, start a new hobby, get fit etc etc etc.
Oh geez...are your sure it is homesickness and not regret?
23 and 45 is a HUGE age difference. I was in a relationship when I was 19 with a person 12 yrs older. I ended it at 23 and looking back I am embarrassed at how much I missed during that relationship. It may seem great now, but deep down you must know that something is not right?
Just to clarify, the 23 and 45 age difference isn't the original poster, it's a response to the OP.
Do you have a spare bedroom? If so, move and replicate your room at your parents' house to be exactly the same, right down to your four-poster bed with the canopy and lace-trimmed bedspread.
Are we good with the sarcasm? Good, and now...
Are you kidding me? I mean, I get being close with one's parents and wanting to not lose connection, but good LORD - I moved out when I was 17 and relished the independence, even when I was making major screwups and learning my way through being an adult.
Go talk to your mom about it, I guess. Ask her how she coped with it, since perhaps she can identify with you since back in her day she may have felt similarly. Maybe you can squeeze it in after asking her if she's ever had that not-so-fresh feeling...
Damn that sarcasm.
AMEN! Age 18 to 27 I lived on my own, went to college, established my career... Before I met DH I had some of the best experiences of my life that helped me grow and mature as an independent and confident young women. Wouldn't change it for the world!! That time helped me understand what kind of man I wanted to share the rest of my life with, and I found him and he's amazing! So sad to all those who go straight from the comforts of home into the comforts of a husband. So blah...
It could be a cultural thing. Many of my Indian friends lived at home until they married - it was just the way things were done.
How to deal with homesickness is somethiing I work with as I work with kids at an international school. What I suggest is finding the positives of being where they are...living in the moment and finding things to enjoy. For you it can be about making your new place your home, going shopping for little bits that personalize it...learning to cook new dishes. And realizing that it's okay to be homesick, but don't let it take over every minute of every day - it will get better though you may have moments when it rears up again. Those of us who move internationally deal with this regularly...even if we've lived away from home for years.
lolol cracking up at the responses! And hearing the twilight zone music.
I kind of feel bad for you but many of us aren't really going to know what to say. In this "day and age" most women are out of Mom and Dad's house way before marriage, ya know?
OP, it isn't unusual to be homesick when you leave your parents' house. I left when I was 18, I was totally ready and eager (as were they, by the way), and I still spent many nights crying about it. After a couple months, I was fine. Time helps. Visit if you can, but not too often.
I think you're grieving your primary identity as their daughter. I get that. The effect of very strong families (and I include mine) is that you learn to identify primarily as a child, spouse, sibling, or parent. That can be a rewarding way to live - there's a value in community and family that independence doesn't replace - but it needs to be balanced by an ability to be you, without reference to your relationships, when necessary. It would be tempting to replace your role as daughter with your role as wife, but it would be a mistake. That's what the earlier posters are talking about when they say you should have lived on your own first.
What's done is done, though, so I'd focus on developing some independence within your marriage. Work. Volunteer (really, it's good for the soul, and it puts your problems into perspective). If you've got the money, travel alone, even if it's just to the nearest tourist attraction for the day. Go out to eat and see movies by yourself. Go do that thing your husband isn't interested in doing; take a friend or just go.
In the meantime, work with your husband on making your house a home. Pay attention to what makes you happy (soft sheets, or decent cooking equipment, or pictures of your family), and figure out how to make that a part of your home. Look for inexpensive creature comforts (favorite foods, a Netflix subscription, used books, whatever). Stay busy.
I've moved around a lot, with and without my husband, and these things have always helped me. Homesickness will pass. Just make sure you don't replace your need for your parents with a similar need for your husband. You should love being around him, want to be with him, but be okay on your own. That will make you a better wife and a happier person.
It does get better with time and sooner than you realise.
My mother and I are very close. Growing up my immediate family was a very tight knit little nucleus as all the extended family lived overseas.
When I first moved out years ago into a new area, after a few months, I invited my mother to stay for the weekend. We went and explored the new neighbourhood together. I had a wonderful time showing off my cooking skills, shopping with her, etc. It really helped the transition enormously.
Do you and your DH own or rent your new home? Have you bought furniture yet? Put out all your new wedding presents? Had the opportunity to use your new wedding presents yet? Just arranging your new home is a fun project. Learning to cook new recipes can also be a fun challenge.
How far do your parents live from you and DH? Speak to your DH about having your parents stay for a weekend in a few months time.
I think it's possible that part of what you're feeling is post wedding blues.
As you've only been married 14 days there would still be a lot of post wedding stuff to do - Thank you letters to write, your wedding album to assemble.
Focus on those things, make your new place with your DH your home, telephone your parents when you feel like it, arrange to visit them and have them visit you. These feelings of being homesick will pass.