Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: step-children
The problem is that you and your husband are not on the same page with regard to child-rearing. His children act that way because that is how he raised them. Nothing you do is going to do any good, especially when you're trying to change longstanding habits, if your husband is not reinforcing the same behaviors. He has let them act this way for years, and now you come into the picture and suddenly it's a problem. What you're focusing on is not the source of the conflict. Work on the dynamic between you and your husband, and you will probably see better results with the kids. The two of you need to sit down, identify some specific behaviors that could use some improvement, and devise a plan- how to talk to the kids about it, how to reward good behavior, how to discourage bad behavior, when constructive criticism is warranted v. a punishment, etc.
You and your husband need to be working as a team. It shouldn't be you trying to undo years of your husband's parenting. Good communication is the key here, which is why a third party might be helpful to you.
First of all, you and your H have to be on the same page about discipline, etc. I find it hard to believe that you haven't mentioned their behavior to your H at all (or did I misread that?).
I'm a step-parent and my H and I were together for quite some time before I met my SD. When we decided to live together, he only had partial custody, so discipline wasn't a huge issue, but we knew that there was a possibility of her coming to live with us. It was discussed, in depth.
Once SD moved in 2 1/2 years ago, we made sure she knew what we expected of her and vice versa. It was a hard enough time for her since it was her first year of middle school, etc., but it's worked out just fine. Yes, I tell her what to do in terms of chores and things like that, but most of the actual disciple needs to come from their biological parent. Now, before I get flamed, that doesn't mean you don't have a say. That means you need to have a serious convo with the H, get on the same page, sit the kids down and discuss house rules, etc. and go from there.
If I were you I would listen to what posters are telling you and come up with a game plan because I have a little reality check for you... THEY ARE YOUR KIDS NOW. You are the mother of the house, you married into a FAMILY so start parenting these kids. Learn to like them or fake it till you make it because tomorrow when you wake up they will be there and the next day and the next.
EVERY child has the right to feel loved and secure in their own home; to deprive them of that is abusive. O and with their ages they will remember every sh!tty comment you make and form an opinion of you based on your actions.
Kids are also like little sponges they absorb everything. They know when someone likes them or loathes them. Welcome to your new life, I suggest you adopt a positive attitude or get out.
I am a SM by the way.
ETA: There is a Blended Family board on the bump if you are interested in pulling this family together.
With KIDS in the picture? there's ABSOLUTELY a time frame. Because you're not getting a husband, you're also getting a new role as 'step-mom'. and your kids are getting a new role as step-siblings. his kids are getting a new role as step-kids.
and you expect bonding to already happen?
If YOUR kids were trying to adapt to a new family without YOU, what would you want the mom, who feels like you do, to do?
family therapy, ASAP
You did not stop and take your time and make sure you and the kids from his marriage was a good fit?
I suppose you thoght it would be "The Brady Bunch" or "Cheaper By the Dozen" and it would take care of itself. Right?
If there was a true problem with his kids' behavior and it pretty much was because their dad was their doormat and he didn't discipline them or teach them that certain manners were appropriate in certain situations, then you should have made sure you moved on and did not pursue continuance of the relationship with him.
I also think he moved way too fast after the death of his wife. 2 and a half years is a bit too soon to be remarrying -- and cheez, his wife was dead how long, maybe a year when he started dating you?
He moved way too quickly.
He should have dated you for quite awhile -- when there are kids, it is essential you take your time -- before he even considered marriage or a serious relationship.
Patience, patience, patience. That's what these kids need. Unfortunately, it seems to be something you and your DH have in short supply. I am appalled by your hasty decision making, but mostly because you seem to have no understanding on how your children (all of them) feel about this.
They've undergone major life changes, the loss of their mother, and they're going to need LOTS of affection and learning how to live with you. Yes, they will take time to adjust to your rules. You need to be a role model in patience and take the time to remind them of proper behavior. Kids do not learn in an instant, and with all they have to process right now, relearning social graces is probably not at the top of their list either. I'm not at all suggesting you excuse poor manners or behavior, but that you don't expect everyone to move at the same warp speed as you and your DH. You will have to repeat yourself, and reteach, and repeat. Be patient, for once.
Most what I wanted to say has already been covered, so I just wanted to point out how amazingly easy it is for you to steam roll over anything/anyone that doesn't agree with your paradise, and they just have to deal with it. Your comment about your son (who clearly is not supporting your decision)...."well, he's just a teenager"...is unbelievable to me. You just completely disregard him. Basically, whoever is not on board with your new "love life" gets stepped over and pushed aside. You say you're not in your twenties anymore, but based on your actions, I'd say you're in your teens.
You people have got to be real winners. I would not want you to be my mother, that's for sure.
You show complete lack of compassion, regard or consideration for any other human being involved in this, except yourself. You seem very entitled and selfish. This will bite you in the behind and it serves your right.
Your son will remind you of that later in life, btw.
lots of patience!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I know there's a blended families board on here, and I think maybe you could learn something from the people on there. Further, I'm going to suggest family counseling from a blended family therapist - or one who has (a lot of) experience in that sort of thing. And for god's sake, don't tell your H that his kids annoy you - that's mean, petty and selfish, and it accomplishes nothing except making you look like a brat.
I am appalled by your lack of compassion. If those twins are now 8, that means they were about 5 when their mother DIED. Since she died of cancer, she was likely sick for a few years (just a guess, but the people I have known that died young of cancer fought it for at least 2-4 years). So those kids have NEVER, in their memories, had a normal household with a healthy mom and dad whose primary focus was raising them and teaching them manners, etc.
Instead they had a home life in which their mother was DYING, probably fighting with everything she had to not leave her children so young. Their father was probably totally overwhelmed with caring for them as best he could, while holding down a job so he could still support his family, and also caring for his wife, who might have been sick with chemo. I am making all of this up but it is a likely scenario.
So why don't you cut them all some slack if they don't have proper manners? You seem horribly self-centered. You even brought up how you are a product of divorce and how you can relate to their situation with a step-mother. Their mother DIED. It is totally different.
You should be ashamed of yourself for not educating yourself more on possible issues, and on not putting the brakes on your marriage and taking it more slowly.
Well you sure acted like you were didnt you!!
You married a man whose kids drive you crazy....yep that was very mature of you.
Yes, everyone is different, most dont marry men whose kids they cant stand!
What is it that these kids are doing that is so terrible and annoying? I need to know that before giving further advice. Is it really things like chewing with their mouths open? Have these children received any counseling for the loss of their mother? How much did you and your H actually discuss what the family dynamic would be and how you two would run your blended family?
Everyone else covered what you have done wrong in the past, and I whole heartedly agree. However, what is done is done, and at this point you need to work out a plan within your marriage to either make it work or walk away.
You clearly refuse to accept any responsibility for your part in this situation. It is beyond me why you can't see that you moved way too quickly. I feel so sorry for all of the kids involved in this mess.
Honestly, I think this marriage has an expiration date. He re-married a year & 1/2 after his wife died, to me that screams rebound. That probably sounds horribly harsh, but IMO that is not nearly enough time to even start to date, much less re-marry. I think he was looking for someone to keep his bed warm & help parent his children.
If your serious about making this family work I would recommend counseling of every variety- individual, couples and family.
This was beyond the speed of light: FAST is an understatement.
I second the blended families therapist -- and there are also blended family support groups -- go to the ones that meet in person as opposed to one on the web.
This is a ginormous adjustment for you all -- you and he have to get acclaimated to living together and so do all the kids.
The dating relationship that you and your H had needed a good 2 or 3 years' worth of nurturing before even considering marriage -- and once it was deemed you and he were a committed couple --- this would be at least a year's worth of dating --- THEN have your kids meet each other.
What I also suggest:
Rules for all the kids.
These rules would be things like: Keep your sleep area of your room neat, pick up after yourself, put your dirty laundry in the hamper, stay out of trouble in school, clean up after yourself if you've had a snack, no food in your room, maintain a decent bunch of grades, do your homework on time, no backtalk to either you or their dad --- and get along tolerably with the rest of the kids in the household.
If the list of to do's has to be contingent upon an allowance, I strongly suggest give them an allowance.
Family meetings come in handy. Start instituting them -- and have them once a week. (not a tall order or a bad idea to have the kids take turns writing the minutes)
Agreed, 100%.
You didn?t say ?she asked? you said you gave the choice. As for talking with their mouth full/chewing with their mouth open (are you serious?.. this is what?s driving you crazy?)?. Politely tell them over and over and over again.. (Johnny honey, please don?t chew with your mouth open) eventually they?ll get it.. or eventually your H will get it and get on board with it... BUT don?t harp ridiculously. You?re a parent.. you should know all this. You NEED to have more patients with them and guide them lovingly. If you can?t do that ? get out now! They?ve been through too much already. Stop adding to it. Get all of you into counseling. The kids especially need it ? but family counseling will help you blend better with him and his children ? and hopefully help him get more involved in the manners department. If ever in your life there were a time to have compassion.. it is NOW and for those children.
When, in this lightning-fast courtship and hasty marriage, did you sit down and discuss your parenting styles? Your goals and expectations?
When did you talk to your children about this transition? What assistance did you provide them in dealing with these massive changes?
Since you say you're annoyed and irritated by his children's behavior, how do you react to them? Are you calm and patient, or are you snappish and brusque?
What is his reaction to their misbehavior? How does he correct his children?
I've seen plenty of families who've dealt with the severe illness and/or loss of a parent. It takes a toll on the children. An immense toll. All of the energy in the family is focused on the ill party. Whenever the parent is feeling well, the family is all about spending quality time together, not in correcting behavior and "normal" parenting. The kids veer from having tons of attention from their parents to little attention from their parents. Other caregivers feel sorry for the children and cut them a lot of slack in their behavior. They aren't getting consistent discipline.
And then the parent dies, and the other parent is grieving, and the children are grieving, and they're all trying to sort out how they're going to continue on as a family with this huge gaping hole in the middle.
And now there's a new stepmother in the picture who wants to whip things into shape, after having been part of their lives for less than a year before she and her children moved in? How clueless and heartless are you?
After all the angry condemnation, I hope you are still reading the boards. To the angry people, you need to work out your own feeling with your parents and stepparents before you yourselves implode.
Okay hooch2010, calm down. This situation is workable. You have options. Because of the speed of your courtship, neither you not your husband have had the opportunity to connect with the other's children. You need to each build that connection with 1 to 1 time with each child. Yes it will be difficult. It will take time and there is no instant fix. It is worth while. Find out what each child is interested in. To connect with my step son, I learned an obscene amount about about Pikachu to bond with him. I found out I really dislike card games especially Pokemon; but developed a connection with my stepson. It was about sharing and working within his 8 yr old sphere of interests.
Now that he is virtually grown, we discuss cooking because he developed an interest in cooking. These conversations would not have happened if I had not learned about Pokemon. He is looking at colleges maybe Johnson & Wales or the Culinary Institute of America...hopefully with scholarships. Even after we lost his dad (my first husband) three years ago, my stepson and I stayed connected. Since we were both grieving, this was an especially hard period of our lives. This was important since for three years, I was the only parent to a child that is not biologically mine.
His biological mother is a not well in many ways and is a source of disruption in his, his father's and my life. Since my dad is also not with us anymore, my step son gave me away a few weeks ago to my new husband. With luck, the three of us will maintain that relationship as we go forward. My loving husband is building a relationship with my stepson over baseball. Fortunately I get a few months reprieve from baseball......Good luck with your step children.
lol at the way to tell people to sort out their own blended family lives and then launch into a story about your own.
Thanks for sharing, I guess we all have a story to tell don't we. Thats why people give advice BASED ON EXPERIENCE.
I am wondering how much time his kids had to mourn about their mother.
This moved way way too fast. The both of you ---no, all of you --- should have slowed down.
Asked you to get married in 3 or 4 months?? That's not even long enough to see if he's dependable, financially secure, etc. and certainly not long enough to get to know each other.
And certainly not long enough time dating to see what he is like when you and/or your kids are having a crisis.
I am still assuming this is MUD since who in their right mind would call themself "hooch"! And I have not read all the replies but how is he everything a woman could want if his kids are annoying as hell and are so horribly behaved that you cannot go in public with them? And why the hell would you move in with a man that has 3 kids and only lost his wife 2 1/2 years ago (I assumed they were still together but the same can be said about moving in with kids you do not know whose mother passed away 2.5 years ago.) And are these kids in therapy? They lost their Mom and that is very tramatic (sp) and with a non-loving hooch like you in the picture they will not be spontaneously behaving better!
Exactly! You aren't in your twenties therefore you should know better! I am shocked. Shocked. You are an incredibly selfish person and so is your H. But you both made the decision to FORCE these children into a family and so now you need to suck it up and be patient and loving and compassionate and read all the books you can get your hands on about blended families and child grief and get into some family counseling. You have NO RIGHT to be "annoyed" by these children. You need to start acting like the adult you purport to be and live up to the responsibility you took on so breezily. You do what it takes to make these children feel secure and give them a happy family. You aren't in your twenties? Then start ACTING LIKE IT!
There is a lot of good advice on here from pp's (many with experience in this area) - I suggest you take it very seriously and follow through. Give all the kids in this train wreck some security, acceptance and love. They clearly need it and you don't seem to have given it up to this point (this includes your own children btw).
I have to say I am shocked so many people think it is wrong that man decided to start dating 2 1/2 yrs after losing his wife. There is no "rule" for dating again after losing a loved one and no one knows the situation they were in (how long she had the cancer, what kind it was, what they discussed before death...). I was in a similar situation. My Late DH passed away from Pancreatic Cancer after a short 8.5 mos battle. We knew from the very beginning that his was a death sentence and we grieved from the very first day. I think that is what helped me to heal so quickly after his death. We had the time to sit and talk, grieve together, accept what was about to happen. Talk to the kids. Make the plans that were needed. So until you have been in those shoes NO ONE has the right to judge how quickly someone moves into a new relationship!
That said, I am not one to judge about moving quickly. Life happens and you know when something feels right. Do I think you need to be more sensitive to the Skids? Yes. While they may seem annoying, remember that dad had a lot on his plate and most likely let some things slide in order to deal with the other stuff (I know I did). All you can do now is reinforce the proper behavior and remain calm.
1 - She has been gone 2 1/2 years and they have already been married almost a year and dated briefly prior to that so it was a lot sooner than you are realizing.
2 - If it was just him then that would be totally his call and maybe he would be ready to date/marry a year after losing his wife but there are kids involved and she point blank said they didn't spend time with each others kids.
3. "Feels right"? Really? Did it feel right to the FIVE kids involved, 3 of which had lost their mother only months prior??? And does it feel right now when she can't stand the kids?
Sorry - your arguments don't work. I am genuinely sorry for your loss but this situation is not parallel to yours. There is overwhelming evidence that this was an epic fail on the part of these two parents.
FWIW I know someone who lost his wife to a long battle with cancer and ended up marrying someone else almost exactly a year later. I didn't have a problem with it. They were both in their late 50s/early 60s and all the kids were grown and gone and had families of their own. So I am not judging the husband's "moving on" time frame. I am judging the utter lack of regard for the well being of the children.
But you do not know the children are still grieving do you? My DD was 7 when her dad died. Did she grieve, yes as all kids do. But you know what, the day he died she insisted on still attending school. To her, she lost her daddy many months before then because he was in and out of the hospital and watched him wither away. My DS has had a harder time with the loss and has been in counseling. He is a teenager and it was hard on him as his dad did everything with him sports wise. Was he upset I started dating, yes. But he said one thing to me and my SO: he just wants me to be happy again. So you might as well burn me at the stake too because it was 2 years ago when DH passed away. And yes, SO has 2 children as well.
If it was as perfect as you all think it should be we widows/ers would not date until the kids left the nest. Sometimes we need a little happiness and love in our lives again. And yes, we do need to think of the kids needs. But we also need to think of our needs too. It is hard to balance it all and make everyone happy.