Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Dining does and donts
So the other day was my 1st time to go out to eat with my MIL, it was us three including fiance. To my horror when she was out of coffee creamer & she dangled the empty creamer bowl with two fingers in a snotty way for a very long time every time, our waitress was helping the people behind us the diner was fairly busy, yes a diner nothing to fancy. It was long enough for me to try to change the subject & hide behind a magazine. I was in utter disbelief! LOL, there was away to be polite. My face was red!
Re: Dining does and donts
Ugh - nothing like rude, entitled people; even if it was McDonalds, tact is usually nice.
Your FI probably should have told her then, to call for the waitress' attention in a more polite and lady-like manner. You should let FI know this bothers/embarrasses you; after all I'm sure it won't be the last time the 3 of you have dinner together!
Well I would have addressed it but addressed another pending issue that was more touchy-race. I am mixed & last mothers day we gave her tygers eye flowers to plant in the garden and she recalled how her grandparents called them N*gg** toes & that people cant say that these days, I was in total Horror I couldnt believe she said that since then I havent been to there home but a few times. Then they have a poodle that is black w/ a white patch & he has a pet name centered around Obama, she says cause he has a little white in him & they dont know where he was born yada yada. My fiance gets my apprehension but his mother is older and he doesnt pay attention to her, yes the waitress happened to be African American. I didnt say anything about it cause I see his mom a few times a yr we where stuck on a medical trip so there was no escape. I didnt express anything til we where discussing world hunger & he said people in Africa where lazy & stupid for not irrigating & building better homes to protect against the elements ect... so I wailed on him he said he didnt mean it that way so I told him if we have a kid we can name it the dogs nickname & to do the chores that evening cause I am to stupid & lazy to do them. I told them they arent bad people they just havent been exposed to culture, & I cant win for loosing cause I look Latino & he is down on Latino's if anything I told him maybe he was right people where lazy & stupid enough to be enslaved & then others cause they want to be like Americans not to be mean but I could have the same attitude but why, it bothered me to hear people talk like that infront of my kid who looks white hazel eyes n everything, but if I make any complaints then it is viewed as being moody. He was in a bad mood for a couple of days & today I complimented his mom on her work with animals & he was acting touchy. We have been together for 3 1/2 yrs. They do have friends of different races but I dont think thier friends know how they are behind closed doors. I also brought it to his attention that on holidays I eat with the kids, we dont have to go to thanksgiving thank god but maybe a birthday....
Why are you with this guy if neither he nor his mother respect you?
First of all, GIANT WALL OF TEXT. Paragraphs, please.
And second...
His fiancee knows how he is behind closed doors and still plans to marry him anyway. Why is that? Are you really that desperate to have a man in your life?
You know he's a racist jackass now so that means when he continues to be a racist jackass after you marry him -- and he will -- you lose the right to complain about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
wait. so the man that you want raising your child(ren) is a racist spineless ***, who doesn't stand up to his mother and continues to spew the trash he learned from her growing up?
really?
Uh... yikes, Xiola. Really? If you're going to let FI's behavior slide, you're letting MIL's behavior slide ad the same time.
If the family can't be respectful, I don't know why you would want to marry into them.
Living in a different not so liberal area can be trying at times. He does respect me I dont make excuses for other peoples ignorances If I did that I would be here all day. He has opened his eyes to alot of things all in all I think his humanitarian work from past to present speaks for itself no matter what color, he isnt like his mother. Loathes it.
My mother & I have commented on how culture is viewed thru the ages. That generation is dying off. There are is also a regional thing it seems in southern states it can be trying. I think it works both ways I have heard many people of diff cultures with the same attitude. My own parents went through alot, & I explained to him. My aunt I love her to death she gave me the gift of European dual citizenship, yet when my parents 1st got together she hired 'black' maids. I dont think its necessarily a color issue I think especially where his mom is concerned its a class issue. They are fairly wealthy even though they are he is the most humble & kind person I have ever met.
When we 1st met I took him to an activist camp. Its not more Latinos its the attitude alot of people had towards immigration, & I have proved my point about my family coming here from Europe & Africa & have made very valid points.
My father has a pro black attitude but I love him. Love knows no color.
Is English your first language?
They do have friends of different races but I dont think thier friends know how they are behind closed doors.
That was the CLASSIC "But Im not racist, I have a black friend" comment. And you yourself, a person of color delivered it. Honey, he doesnt need a token, you're it.
The fact that you're not appalled and offended by his blatant racism is most disturbing.
I think to continue to remain with him is the most self hating thing you can do.
To all Thanks so much for your responses:
@Dirty red: He does respect me, & by the way his mom lived in a tee pee.
I think she was talking about her parents, I think she realized what she said & has been extremely nice since. They are republicans & do the tea party thing.
@Zitiqueen: sorry my edit button wouldnt let me edit,
I know he is kind and he has def treated me better than any other man,
not just the expensive things & showering me with constant gifts
but with unconditional love. He is not like his parents
It seems like for awhile alot of people had varying views on immigration.
I try to stay out of politics especially when I am Liberal & his family is ultra concervative.
-Those are the only instances & parts of conversations,
we discussed it & how it wasnt exceptable he respects that.
No Im not that desperate if you new him you would be smitten, I think he realizes alot of stuff
& loves me for not being like them.
@festivegal
I think some of the responses where just as harsh as
the experience. My dad has a pro black attitude sometimes
but he isnt rascist. He thinks white people are land grabbing thieves.
We are Native American, African yes I do have actual family directly from africa, My mothers side is from Italy so I know what dego & wop is.
@EastCoast
All in all he isnt extreme he just has a few political views that I dont agree with, again alot of people where passionately discussing immigration not to long ago some good points where made by both sides.
@sapphire
I think its more of a class issue his family is very wealthy yet he is not like his family some things he doesnt condone, I can think of alot of my family that I feel the same way.
I dont think putting him in the middle would be a solution. I can think of alot of ignorance that arguing doesnt really solve anything. I have many times extended myself to alow other people
to re-evaluate their stereo types its not my job, I dont really have to deal with his family living a few towns over does help.
@renegade
I dont appreciate your demenor and assumptions aka put downs let alone your psych evaluation.No he doesnt look down on me because of my race.
He could probably have any women he wants he is all that and a bag of chips to.I do have family directly from Africa, sometimes I respond with sarcasm to prove a point to show people what an ass they are being
I dont think I gave an explanation in my previous post about low standards of living in Africa, if I did go into great details of alot of things we would be here all day.
@JM1982
He isnt rascist, there are plenty of people that are my friends that have varying views on immigration
that I dont agree with. He isnt spineless she threatened to take him out of a multi million dollar will & he stayed with me. How you like those apples?
The thing is he knows and is actually trying his recent friends are real friends different orgins & he loves them there isnt anything he wouldnt do for them.
@Karen2905
I didnt let it slide its been addressed he really didnt let it slide he took me over a multi million dollar will that she threatened to cut him out of- did she NO. He also loves me for the fact that I dont want anything from him or his family. Sure I may have esteem issues because I am not the prettiest girl but he is handsome & 7 yrs younger than me he does have some class & is actually quite charming.
Since mothers day that one incident he has come around alot but the table manners where embarrassing.
----
Alot of times I can see how race for some reason certain problems are not about race it is more ablout class, I just wish some people had more class.
Without some solutions someone has to extend a hand and I think communication is a great key. Furthermore some of the comments I could do without as much as some of the issue I was trying to discuss. I wasnt trying to incite a witch hunt. I was just saying how rude it was.
Why are some of you so apprehensive & negative? Assumptions & things?I dont know why all the put downs, I would never come over to any of you & do those things. I dont understand the 'is English your 1st lang.' whats that all about? All in all everythings groovy, Im looking forward to our trip to Italy yes he is paying.
When someone says you are the token, it seems like I am always a shoe in for those better paying jobs, is it right dont know, just like I see both ways where affirmative action went wrong & I like the Green Party. I wouldnt hire someone based on race or vote for someone based on race but but I know people who have. Enough of discussing politics.
WHAT?!
you literally make no sense. i think you're putting together random words in a basic sentence structure, but with no regard to what they mean.
a tee pee?! a multi-million dollar will?
a trip to italy he's paying for?
you've got bigger fish to fry than the racist thing...
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You are just making stuff up as you go, aren't you?
Please keep entertaining us with your posts.
hahaha, i think she TOTALLY cares how much he spends. makes those blinders a little easier to wear...
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i'm slowly but surely trying to take over my neighbor's backyard....
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Wow. Your IL's are awfully ignorant of the world beyond that which they have personally experienced. Of course, you're also pretty ignorant of proper grammar and sentence structure, and I think that makes the lot of you equally incomprehensible.
Every time they say or do something offensive, I think you should go by the assumption that it's based in ignorance and that they truly don't understand why they're being idiots. Instead of flipping out, why don't you calmly explain to them what they're missing and WHY what they said was pretty offensive.
what the what?
Honestly, some of what you write is absolutely incomprehensible.
And your DH is racist. Stop kidding yourself.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm glad to hear that you were being sarcastic when you told your fiance that poverty and lack of infrastructure in Africa is due to the fact that Africans haven't been exposed to culture.
@renegade
oh, thats ok, I was just talking about how you know when you walk into a conversation & only hear part of it.
@askmetosta
The person I was responding to has a pic & at the bottom the caption reads 'I slept in a wigwam'
why yes his mom when we 1st got together threatened to take him out of the will, & he stayed with me.
As for the trip to Italy I found out where my grandfathers parents came from! It was an exciting find, my mom has been searching all of her life.
All of our elders have passed, it would be such a wanderful thing to connect that way it is located a few hours from Rome. My mothers health hasnt been so good & I want her to see in this lifetime.
@LarissaAnn
No he does not hate Latinos, you only heard part of the conversation
there are always 2 sides. So why do people live in poverty?
I have done work at homeless shelters for more than 15 yrs sometimes its frustrating when you see the same people yr in & yr out I could very well say they braught it on themselves but that would be arrogant, sorry to be disappointing Im not arrogant.
I could very well pass for Latino, I even work on art shows that focus on culture.
Out of all the men I have been with no matter what color, they have had thier flaws & some the same issues, he has treated me the best.
Its not the money he spends I am frugal & dont ask for anything its his unconditional love, at least I know if I have a problem I can talk to him
& he would listen alot of people dont even do that.
he offered to buy me a mini cooper I said no alot of things from my engagement ring was vinatge & inexpensive alot less than what was offered. Simple is good.
when our dog was sick we both paid over a thousand for the vet bill.
@lilmadison
if you would like I could send you a link for pics I think you would like the one of the private estate that has waterfalls & horses. Sorry it really has been a fairy tale of some sorts. I only spoke of mannerism & perhaps 3 occasions.
@askmetosta
I never take anything though. no extravagance actually, that is why he likes me. we go out once a month to a dinner or movie, do alot of exploring things with wilderness, if he buys me roses or trees to plant and sets me up a greenhouse that has been recyled that is fine. He does stuff for the abor association.
he i such a giving person he is prob happy he didnt end up with someone who would take advantage of that.
Everything is equal, Ive paid for a few trips myself, the trip to Italy is just a nice gesture.
@lipstick
I really dont get the quote button it is so easily to take things out of context,
look up the musical group 'The last Poets', my dad was very fortunate & worked with Jewish Lawyers and Doctors
I had a grandfather that was lighter than me & more native american
but his birthcertificate read 'colored' that was from the one drop rule & the Jim Crow laws.
Im sure alot of people have been bitter with race relations.
I had a friend from Iran & she is Muslim when 9-11 people taunted her & called her alot of things some people do say things out of meaness, but even though people made those remarks no matter how wrong they didnt lose any friends over it.
People love drama for some reason, I was disappointed cause one was agood friend of mine I never looked at that the person the same again.
That person had a diffrent back ground to. I dont see where all the hate comes from.
I dont understand it. I do know my dad has that sanford & son humor, he actually does stand up comedy retirement suits him well.
@askmetosta
thats funny no comment.
@lawright
I do calmly explain & have only had to say something once.
------
I have friends that are into queer rights, just because I hang out with them doesnt mean Im queer. My friend ran for mayor got a good percent of vote a great triumph for his age & he is also pro 'pot', I dont smoke pot. Even though I am for decriminalization I dont do drugs.
Please remember if you are driving past me & cut me off no offense you are whatever comes out of my mouth LOL.
@renegade
oh, thats ok, I was just talking about how you know when you walk into a conversation & only hear part of it.
@askmetosta
The person I was responding to has a pic & at the bottom the caption reads 'I slept in a wigwam'
why yes his mom when we 1st got together threatened to take him out of the will, & he stayed with me.
As for the trip to Italy I found out where my grandfathers parents came from! It was an exciting find, my mom has been searching all of her life.
All of our elders have passed, it would be such a wanderful thing to connect that way it is located a few hours from Rome. My mothers health hasnt been so good & I want her to see in this lifetime.
@LarissaAnn
No he does not hate Latinos, you only heard part of the conversation
there are always 2 sides. So why do people live in poverty?
I have done work at homeless shelters for more than 15 yrs sometimes its frustrating when you see the same people yr in & yr out I could very well say they braught it on themselves but that would be arrogant, sorry to be disappointing Im not arrogant.
I could very well pass for Latino, I even work on art shows that focus on culture.
Out of all the men I have been with no matter what color, they have had thier flaws & some the same issues, he has treated me the best.
Its not the money he spends I am frugal & dont ask for anything its his unconditional love, at least I know if I have a problem I can talk to him
& he would listen alot of people dont even do that.
he offered to buy me a mini cooper I said no alot of things from my engagement ring was vinatge & inexpensive alot less than what was offered. Simple is good.
when our dog was sick we both paid over a thousand for the vet bill.
@lilmadison
if you would like I could send you a link for pics I think you would like the one of the private estate that has waterfalls & horses. Sorry it really has been a fairy tale of some sorts. I only spoke of mannerism & perhaps 3 occasions.
@askmetosta
I never take anything though. no extravagance actually, that is why he likes me. we go out once a month to a dinner or movie, do alot of exploring things with wilderness, if he buys me roses or trees to plant and sets me up a greenhouse that has been recyled that is fine. He does stuff for the abor association.
he i such a giving person he is prob happy he didnt end up with someone who would take advantage of that.
Everything is equal, Ive paid for a few trips myself, the trip to Italy is just a nice gesture.
@lipstick
I really dont get the quote button it is so easily to take things out of context,
look up the musical group 'The last Poets', my dad was very fortunate & worked with Jewish Lawyers and Doctors
I had a grandfather that was lighter than me & more native american
but his birthcertificate read 'colored' that was from the one drop rule & the Jim Crow laws.
Im sure alot of people have been bitter with race relations.
I had a friend from Iran & she is Muslim when 9-11 people taunted her & called her alot of things some people do say things out of meaness, but even though people made those remarks no matter how wrong they didnt lose any friends over it.
People love drama for some reason, I was disappointed cause one was agood friend of mine I never looked at that the person the same again.
That person had a diffrent back ground to. I dont see where all the hate comes from.
I dont understand it. I do know my dad has that sanford & son humor, he actually does stand up comedy retirement suits him well.
@askmetosta
thats funny no comment.
@lawright
I do calmly explain & have only had to say something once.
------
I have friends that are into queer rights, just because I hang out with them doesnt mean Im queer. My friend ran for mayor got a good percent of vote a great triumph for his age & he is also pro 'pot', I dont smoke pot. Even though I am for decriminalization I dont do drugs.
Please remember if you are driving past me & cut me off no offense you are whatever comes out of my mouth LOL.