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Sisters engagement
My 22 year old younger sister just got engaged last week and it is tearing my family apart. I am sure I will make some people mad by my post though. I have been predicting for YEARS that my sister and her boyfriend would get engaged when they reached the end of their college years, and telling my parents they needed to intervene. I am pretty traditional, and believed that my parents should be the ones to tell her that. I mean her now fiance has spent christmas with us for the past three years and his family doesnt even live in the same state!! Regardless, she has always been pretty much a crowd follower and just graduated from a bible college with a kindergarden teaching degree. She changed her major because all of her sorority sisters were doing so. She has been on the MRS track for a while now and her fiance is her first love/ boyfriend. All of their friends are also engaged.
Anyway, now that they are engaged I have expressed my humble oppinion that they need to wait a while after college graduation to experience the 'real world' before being married. I also have told her that both she and her fiance need to find out who they are when they are in the real world, not when they are in college. (because lets face it college is not the real world, especially at a private bible college.) My now Husband and I waited three years after college to get married, and we are now 26. We saved up for our own house and bought it all on our own, with no parental involvement.
Now that I have told my parents and my sister that I think the whole situation is unreasonable, they are telling me I am the crazy one! My mom said that she thought it was strange my husband and I didnt get married right after college. My parents are also refusing to talk to me about my sister, and question weather or not she is ready for marriage. In fact whenever I try to talk to them they respond through my husband!! last week my mom tried to sign my husband and I up for counseling after I told her that I want my sister to experience life as a single 20 something before she is a wife. My husband and I couldnt be happier, and we just got married three weeks ago. Lol, there hasnt been any time for a fight even!! I am so furious at my family right now, and dont know what to do. They think I am being the backwards one, by wanting my sister to have her own identity, save her own money, and just live life while she is young! I dont know what to do. Advice please?
Re: Sisters engagement
First post... I'm going to need some convincing this isn't MUD.
Anyhow- what exactly is the issue? Your sister isn't on the same timeline as you, so therefore it's wrong and she shouldn't get married?
Uh... she's an adult and can make this choice on her own. You need to MYOB. it's fine to be concerned if you really think she's just doing this because she "should", but really... this isn't your choice or your life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Here's how this conversation should have gone.
"Sister" (...not parents...), "Congrats on your engagement! I will support you in whatever you decide, but don't you think it would be smart to wait a year or two? (Enter reasons here.) I know you're excited about getting married, but I think that waiting a year or two will add happiness to your marriage."
Of course, that wouldn't have changed her mind. But at least you will have thrown your warning out there.
Your only job is to be there for her.
You said your opinion to your sister, you said your opinion to your parents now back off and let them lead their own life. Trying to talk about it any second that you get with your parents would be incredibly annoying and even though you might have good intentions after you've already let them know how you feel and they disagreed what exactly do you think you're accomplishing? Your sisters relationship has nothing to do with you, you let her know what you think now be supportive, be there for her and just stop the negativity, if he's not the right one then it's now up to her to figure that out herself.
I agree with your concerns. It's perfectly fine to be concerned. But you have to remember that they are adults, and that it's not your life choice.
You've spoken your peace, and your sister has heard your concerns. She's still getting married. Now it's time to accept it, and start being supportive.
I'm missing the point where any of this is directly related to you. She may be making a mistake, but it's hers to make. I don't understand why there is so much judgment coming from you as if her personal choice is somehow reflected poorly on you (you telling her what you think, you telling your parents to tell her what you think).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Personally, you havent made a case as far as to WHY she shouldnt other than you just dont agree with it.
She's an adult, she graduated from college and unless he's some crazy meth-head necrophiliac, I dont see why she shouldnt be able to live as she pleases. It might not be what you would have done for yourself, but you are your own person and so is she.
She's an adult, and you really cant control what she does. You gave your opinion, it was unappreciated - move on.
Ummm... wow.
1) If you two are not close, you had no business making any statements about her marriage plans in the first place.
2) Do not judge her. People who do differently than you do are not to be looked down upon. Nobody knows anyone's true potential, and you don't know that by getting married and being a stay at home wife that she won't end up benefiting the world some how. And you don't know that she won't end up with an outstanding career in the future. But you DO know that she's happy making this decision. Support that.
3) You can be supportive by not harping on her to put off the marriage. You can support what makes her happy by being there for her. You can support her by treating her like an adult and letting her make her own choices. It could be that someday she'll come to you and say, "Sister, I made a huge mistake." You can support her by helping her through that if the times comes.
Not everyone follows the same path in life. You aren't even close to her, so how well do you REALLY know her? This really has nothing to do w/ her getting married- this is more about you not accepting that she is a different person than you.
She doesn't have the same goals in life you do. That doesn't make her WRONG, it makes her DIFFERENT.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow, to be completely honest, I think you sound like a beyotch.
Just because she's making decisions that aren't what would be right for you doesn't mean they aren't right for her. It's her life, not yours and you can't tell her what to do.
If she wants to be a stay at home wife and that will make her happy, then you should be supportive not "heartbroken." Some women really enjoy being a stay at home wife and stay at home mother. There's nothing wrong with that choice. Just because a career isn't her first priority doesn't make her any less of a person.
Get over yourself.
I'm beginning to think so, too.
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As one who IS a hardcore feminist, I'm saying that now you just sound like a jerk.
It doesn't matter if you feel she is wasting her life. She has the right to do that. Again, you've expressed your concerns, and she has chosen to go ahead with the wedding anyway. There is nothing else you can do. There are no magic words you can use to make her suddenly see everything from your perspective and realize that you are right. You be supportive by being as excited about her wedding as you would be if you agreed with what she's doing. You show interest in her life and talk to her about things aside from her relationship. You know, treat her the way you would treat a good friend.
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your attitude toward her is a major factor in the lack of closeness between the two of you?
I think PP's have hit on all the main points, but please explain this sentence to me:
I mean her now fiance has spent christmas with us for the past three years and his family doesnt even live in the same state!!
I'm so confused as to what it means or what it has to do with anything.
i agree with everything you said however you've given everyone your opinion. now shut your mouth. you've said your piece-that's ALL that you can do. drop it and be happy for her-dont do your best to ruin this for her. let her make her own mistakes.
and not for nothing i dont think waiting until 24 to get married is anything special. i actually think it's still too young.
gross.
seriously, it's one thing to think these things...but you seriously typed them out. gross. gross. gross.
i went to a southern bible belt christian college. i got married young. i'm fine. and perfectly happy.
stop being such a jerk. no wonder you don't have a close relationship with your sister.
I bet she wont listen because she is soooo jealous of you and your perfect life and the choices you made. I bet she is trying to be better than you because she is so jealous.
wow..it must be hard being you.
Ditto, Karen.
And to top it all off, your parents tried to push you and your DH into going to counseling? It sounds like you're all way too involved in each other's lives.
Wow. I got engaged two months after I graduated from college (at 22) and married 8.5 months later (at 23).
Because your sister and I wanted to get married right out of college something is wrong with us? We can't live life, have our own identity or save money while married?
MYOB. Until you've walked in her shoes you don't know what's right for her. Be supportive and keep your negativity to yourself.
I am going with MYOB. You need to lay off her decisions.
There is nothing wrong with SAHW/M. What job is more important than your kids?