Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Dilators..anyone used them? HELP!
The scar from my appendix is right on my bikini line, so I kinda consider it the pelvic area.
The doctor didn't say I had actual vaginismus. She just said to keep on with foreplay and everything. Our goal now is to buy my husband the book "sex begins in the kitchen" (meaning stuff you do during the day, etc.) I think a major problem of ours is the prep. Throughout his teenage years, I was his only girlfriend, we were both virgins till we wed, and he was in the more "odd" group, because he wasn't a jock/popular, etc. So since being a teenager, he was never really learned "the ways of the women" if you want to call it that lol He is learning about the whole foreplay thing and all kinds of stuff (especially what happens to his lovely wife when it's that time of the month and she turns into a hormonal mess haha). I've heard this book is great.
So together we're both trying to take it slow and learn as we go along. I think the initial shock factor is what has made this worse. You don't expect to be a newlywed (who waited for marriage) to not be able to have sex. When people make "newlywed/sex jokes" I kinda just have to shrug it off..inside it kinda makes me feel bad, but I'm trying to think positive and work on it.
I suggest that you get a second opinion on this. We like to think we can trust our doctors 100% but that's not always the case. I know how emotionally exhausted you must be from all of this
At the end of the day the basic facts are this: if you can't have penetrative sex and you've had a full medical work up it's most likely that you have vaginismus. I hate to see you put all of this on your husband or for you to put your hope in these different self help books when following a vaginismus program could have you cured in a matter of under 2 months. I really hope you can find your solution to this. It's so draining when you're on the road to fixing this. Best of luck to you and your husband. I hope everything works out really well for you. 
Thanks !
Yeah, I don't want to place "all the blame" on my husband.
Before I go trying any more things (treatment, etc.) I want to see how we do, after we first gain better education.
In a previous post I said I've been buying books and things that I think are good for us to read (She Comes First, Sex Begins in the Kitchen).
Even my MIL said it would be very beneficial (and yes I can talk to my MIL about this subject just fine lol!)
I think we're still in the awkward phase, because we're not as educated as we thought. We knew some things about sex we'd have to work on, but I guess we didn't think it could be this much.
I don't want to think "oh I must have vaginismus" or anything. If we don't make any progress within some time, then I will go back to the doctors and check again.
I have been using dilators since March and I've made wonderful progress!!
My husband and I also waited until we were married (Dec. 2009) to have sex. He was previously experienced, but I was not. The first couple of times we tried to have sex it was extremely painful and he felt like he was hitting a wall. We both thought I had vaginismus. When I finally called my ob/gyn she immediately referred me to a doctor at the Pelvic & Sexual Health Institute in my area. This doctor informed me that I had vestibulitis (inflamation of the vestibulus gland near your opening) and pelvic floor dysfunction (basically, my pelvis was misaligned on one side). She confirmed that this was treatable and that a glass of wine was not going to solve my problem. I was so happy that I wasn't crazy!!
I've been using a combination of dilators (dipped in Lidocaine), vaginal suppositories, physical therapy, and Singulair since March to help stretch me and alleviate the pain. My specialist also gave me some shots to help with the vestibulitis. In October, we finally had sex with about 75% penetration! It's not entirely comfortable, but it was a huge improvement!
My doctor told me the trick with the dilator was to do it everyday. I slowly progressed from the small to the large. Using the lidocaine on the dilator helps numb the area and makes it much easier to get in.
My advice, keep dilating and find a specialist who can help you. I've been very fortunate to find a great specialist and physical therapist to help me. Both of whom are very pleased with my progress.
So, I haven't been on this in a while to respond to anyone..oops!
We have had a lot of progress since I last wrote. We have been able to penetrate and thrust at a slow/medium speed (not as fast as my husband feels he wants to naturally, but we are getting there).
I have not had an actual orgasm through intercourse, but I have come close, which makes me feel better :-)
I am actually switching birth control, AGAIN! Grr!! Part of my problem with this last type of pill has been exhaustion, fatigue, depression, missing periods etc. I did take a pregnancy test to make sure, since I was worried about it a few weeks ago, and it was negative.
Like I've heard said many times before, it's often not being fully educated that can cause problems. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 months now. We are getting much better at our "sexual comfort" levels with each other, if that makes sense. We understand things a little be better now and are continuing to work on it.
I have been reading "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" and "Sheet Music". The author is a doctor who explains things in an easy to understand way, and it does help me feel better when he uses examples that I can relate too...making me feel like I'm not the only one with these problems :-)
The "new" problems are 1. My husband "going" after just a few minutes of thrusting (knew it would happen lol) and 2. When we penetrate further I can feel the skin on the bottom is really tight...have to work on stretching that now. Overall we are much happier and satisfied that we can tell we are making progress.
Thanks for all the support everyone :-)