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Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?
Hi everyone,
I changed my last name to my husband's after marriage a year ago. I am now having second thoughts. I would consider myself to be somewhat of a feminist and even though my husband did not force me into taking his last name (although he definitely wanted me to), I feel that the choice wasn't mine, it was made by societal pressure (at least in part).
So, I either want to hyphenate my name or, preferably, have both my husband and I chose a new name - a practice growing in popularity. The problem is I HATE my FIL, he is not in our lives and I really don't like having the same last name as him, it is impossible to spell and I hate spelling it out for everyone plus the whole sexist thing.
However, I also have a problem with keeping my maiden name because that's also sexist, my dad's name and all.
So, basically, I know I want both of us to chose a new name. However, I know my husband is NOT going to want to do it. I guess I am looking for others' experiences or opinions.
Thanks everyone! :-)
Re: Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?
I'm hyphenated. I'm also married to a woman. DW kept her last name. The reason I hyphenated was mostly because I didn't like how my new name would sound un-hyphenated. I wanted us to have a common family name, especially when we have kids. I'm not sure if we're going to hyphenate our future child's name or not - we haven't gotten to that point yet.
I agree that there is kind of an expectation that women will change to their H's name when they get married. I think it's becoming more common (at least in my circle of friends) for women to keep their maiden name after getting married, though I do know of quite a few friends who felt like they were making the wrong choice due to pressure from relatives, etc. But really, it's your name, so do what makes you comfortable. I don't think that having the last name as your H makes your marriage more/less special or valid than anyone else's.
I do know some couples who have chosen a different last name entirely, but I'm not sure if you can do that without going to court to get it changed. I've also had friends who have reverted to their mom's maiden name (either by itself or hyphenated).
How does your H feel about you hyphenating? Maybe you guys could take his mom's maiden name (or you could take a hyphenated version thereof).
Just an FYI: any name you choose is going to be a man's name even if you two choose a new name together because you won't be the only family with that new name.
And even if I hated my FIL (which I don't), I love that I share my last name with my H and whatever kids we have someday because that's my family. Just a thought.
H's best friend from high school changed his last name to his W's maiden name when they married.
Oh, and I haven't changed my name back or hyphenated.
I kept my name for professional reasons, and the fact that I find the whole tradition antiquated and rooted in sexist tradtions.
Other women change their names for a variety of reasons, like those noted above.
You have to do what feels right to you. From the sounds of it, you want to have your old last name be a part of your new name, and that's okay. I would say that it's rare for a married woman to change her name again, but that doesn't mean you can't do it.
I think I was just trying to say that either my maiden name or my married name are both, to quote the person below you, 'rooted in sexist traditions.'
I think the whole thing just makes me angry which is why I didn't keep my maiden name to begin with and argh, it's just all wrong. :-)
But, yes, happiness is the key. The problem is that my husband is NOT going to be happy. :-(
This could be a whole different issue. Would he even be unhappy if you decided to hyphenate? I can understand him being hesitant or not wanting to change to a completely new name, but you hyphenating your own last name seems reasonable. You said he didn't "force" you to take his name, so there seems to be a disconnect between what the expectation actually is.
I kept my name for professional reasons, and the fact that I find the whole tradition antiquated and rooted in sexist tradtions.
Same for me. I wanted to keep my name. my H had no issues with it at all. we are still a family even if we have different names. A name doesnt make a family.
DH and i both hyphenated, mine-his. i know another couple where they both took a new last name. i think their families were hurt by that, but that was the decision they went with. i'm not sure what their reasoning was, though. we've faced some annoyances with our choice, but noone else seems hurt. the names are both very short, so it's still not that long of a last name. there was a lot of surprise and comments, as well as a few tries from DH's family to just address us as mr and mrs hisoldlastname (which we put a stop to ASAP).
for us, this was definitely the right decision. at first we discussed creating a new last name, but decided on this for two main reasons - we both already had business/academic stuff in our old names, and it's really expensive in the state of PA if you want to do anything other than keep your name, take the new one, or hyphenate. everything else involves a court date, posting notices in the newspaper, etc.
that's what i would be worried about at this point in time if i were you - since you've already changed your name for the marriage, and the ensuing change isn't due to a divorce or anything, i would imagine that it's going to cost you more cash no matter whether you change it back, hyphenate, or create a new name. and it's likely to cost more money if you go with #3 (particularly for two of you to do at the same time). just something to consider before you make a decision.
I changed my name on my licence and kept it on my social security card and passport. So I fly (domestically) on my married name and bank and pay taxes on my maiden name.
At work, I use FirstName MaidenName MarriedName. At my old job, I used FirstName MaidenName - but picked-up the MarriedName when I started here. It's what is on my business card and I use the whole long thing when introducing myself, even though it doesn't flow the best. I don't hyphenate but some people do when I see my name in registrations/forms.Funny thing, even though I have never submitted a drop of paperwork (health insurance, bank info) with my MarriedName on it, I often get expense checks with my last name hyphenated. The banks still cash it, I've never had a problem.
To me, being a feminist means I do what I want, for my own reasons. I am not using my father's name or my husband's name for sexist reasons- like out of a belief/acceptance that they own me. I do it out of a sense of family (even if I don't like all of the family members) and community and nationality (my maiden name is ethnic). It's MY name. Just because the use of sir names was (but not always) rooted in sexist or capitalist reasons doesn't mean I can't enjoy the tradition NOW, for my own reasons.
Afterall, I would never participate, support or benefit from slave labor. But if invited to the White House, I would certainly accept and particpate in whatever way I was called upon. Even though it is well documented that slaves were used as cheap labor to build the White House, the symbol of Freedom and democracy. Ironic, right? But I wouldn't abandon the residency for our President or refuse to participate at the site. Rather, I fully embrace and acknowledge a dark and painful part of our history and appreciate and celebrate how far we've come.
I changed my name on my licence and kept it on my social security card and passport. So I fly (domestically) on my married name and bank and pay taxes on my maiden name.
At work, I use FirstName MaidenName MarriedName. At my old job, I used FirstName MaidenName - but picked-up the MarriedName when I started here. It's what is on my business card and I use the whole long thing when introducing myself, even though it doesn't flow the best. I don't hyphenate but some people do when I see my name in registrations/forms.Funny thing, even though I have never submitted a drop of paperwork (health insurance, bank info) with my MarriedName on it, I often get expense checks with my last name hyphenated. The banks still cash it, I've never had a problem.
To me, being a feminist means I do what I want, for my own reasons. I am not using my father's name or my husband's name for sexist reasons- like out of a belief/acceptance that they own me. I do it out of a sense of family (even if I don't like all of the family members) and community and nationality (my maiden name is ethnic). It's MY name. Just because the use of sir names was (but not always) rooted in sexist or capitalist reasons doesn't mean I can't enjoy the tradition NOW, for my own reasons.
Afterall, I would never participate, support or benefit from slave labor. But if invited to the White House, I would certainly accept and particpate in whatever way I was called upon. Even though it is well documented that slaves were used as cheap labor to build the White House, the symbol of Freedom and democracy. Ironic, right? But I wouldn't abandon the residency for our President or refuse to participate at the site. Rather, I fully embrace and acknowledge a dark and painful part of our history and appreciate and celebrate how far we've come.
I'm toying with the idea of going back and hyphenating my name. I loved my maiden name. It was a very rare name that represented my ethnicity and I was directly related to everyone in the US with it as only one family immigrated here with that name.
DH's last name is VERY common. There are 5 women with my name in this city alone, which scares me that there might be mistaken identities at doctor's offices, etc.
Right now I have both last names on my driver's license.. as if I were Hispanic and included both parents' surnames. I don't want to hyphenate any hypothetical offsprings' names though; they'll have two middle names.
Um, pretty sure what you are doing is illegal. Whatever name is on your marriage license IS your name, and to go by a different one on legal documents such as your driver's license, passport, or SS card is fraud. Just thought I would let you know.
No, suesue does it, too. And it's been a while, but I don't recall that I had to declare a new name on my marriage license.
our marriage license had no place for new names. we signed under our unmarried names, and then submitted the license with applications to have our names changed.
Okay, but no matter where the name change occurs (on the license application or on a separate application), it should be a legal name change. I'm just saying that you either legally change your name or you don't. You can't just go by whatever name you feel like depending on your mood each day. I mean, I guess you could with your friends casually, but certainly not legally on legal documents.
Thank you everyone for your advice.
I'm really into the ideas of getting a new last name or BOTH of us hyphenating our last names.
I think my problem is that everyone I do involves ONLY ME changing something. If we both change our last names, it doesn't feel as antiquated. (sp?)
Thanks again, I really appreciate it! :-)
How did you do this? I'm struggling with this now. I was married this spring and did not change my name. We've recently started receiving holiday cards addressed to "Mr & Mrs Husbandsname." Thus far, these have been from friends of his (since it is more common among my group of friends/colleagues to keep one's name), some of whom I haven't even met yet. I'm not sure how to go about correcting this in a way that isn't rude...
Any advice?
Meh. I kept my last name, but we get cards, etc. addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName. When we send out our Christmas cards, we have both our last names. Some people get the hint, some don't, but I'm not going to worry about correcting people. It's not that big of a deal to me.
I think if you want to do this, you might want to come up with a better reason than you dislike your FIL. So that you can better explain to your DH why you changed your mind.
I have always been a bit confused as to how keeping your own last is feminist.
But, take what I say with a grain of salt, I was the girl who doodled my name with whatever BF i had at the times last name when I was in school.
I loved taking my DH's name, now we are a unit. We are the ourlastname's. I don't think a last name change makes you any more or less married, or any more or less happy of a couple.
But I sure do love when we are invited places saying "The ourlastname's will be there"
You just keep saying your name and sending things in your name. People will figure it out or not. It's not a hill I choose to die on.
The only time I specifically said something was when my grandparents and his parents sent me checks for my birthday, since the bank wouldn't cash them.
it depended on who the people were, and whether their motivation was innocent or passive aggressive. the ones who really just didn't realize, we mentioned when next speaking with them or just let the address label clue them in.
DH's sister, though, knew better and chose to keep using the wrong names, even going so far as to write DH's name incorrectly in her wedding program. she's his older sister, and was generally used to getting her way. DH told her that if she didn't start acknowledging our new name, we'd be returning-to-sender future mail (we don't see her regularly anyway, as she's many states away). she got the message.
Wow, I could have written this myself. Down to the complicated name and hating the FIL.
I broke down in tears to my husband a few weeks ago.
We're at a stalemate over what name to give the children.
So he sure as hell can't tell you what to do with your last name, but you're going to tell him what to do with his? You said he never forced you, so why are you going to try and force him. He isn't going to change his last name, you said it already. So just worry about yours. Seriously. Being a feminist means wanting EQUAL rights for men and women. Right now you're saying your wishes trump your husbands wishes. That's not being a feminist.
She could get a court order to get it officially changed.
I didn't change my name at all. My IL's hate it and make snide comments, and I just smile and say "Amazingly enough we're allowed to be married anyway."
If you want your name back then take it back.
Yeah, you're reading way to much into what she said. She never said she was going to try to force her husband to change his name. Good grief.
I know some people who kept their maiden name as a middle name - my mom didn't have a middle name, and my friend just has 2 middle names now. In my friend's case, she always writes her name as Susan Jones Smith, as if it were hyphenated. Just another option.
Well, my story is a little funny. . .
Many of my friends either never got married or kept their maiden names. I was speaking to someone while dating MH and said, "Uh, if I get married BEFORE I graduate med school I am totally changing my name and if I get married after I am totally keeping my name."
. . . yeah, we have been married for a year and a half and I graduate in two weeks. I will have my married name on my diploma but I did send off announcements in both the married and maiden name.
Am I mad about my decision? Nah, not really. Do I want to change my last name back to my maiden name? Nah, I am having too much fun with my new last name as his brother married a woman with the same name as me two years prior so we totally throw people off on fb. LOL!!!
She said she didn't like the idea of her maiden name or her married name and that what she wanted was to have both she and her husband change their last names. That makes no sense to me. Why should he change his last name? She clearly states he will never go for it, so why is it the only option that will make her happy? I don't think he should have any say in her last name since it is HERS, but I think that door swings both ways. She needs to figure out what last name she wants and just move on.