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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?
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There are lots of things that would make me happy that simply will never happen; therefore, I tolerate the best alternative. That is the situation she is in. Philosophically saying that you like you like the idea of combining or creating a new name best doesn't mean that you're going to force your husband to do it or be miserable about it. That's the nuance you're missing.
It varies greatly by county/state. I changed my name by court order in Virginia and it was easy-peasy. Just had to file the application (and it was MUCH less than that), had no hearing, etc. Just got the order signed by the court. VA also had different forms for if you were a convicted felon, etc., so I probably had the easy, non-criminal form. But it was a super easy process.
I kept my name, DH changed his name to mine. I wanted to keep mine, he wanted us to have a common name, so he changed. When the minister introduced us at the wedding, there was an audible gasp - everyone thought she had made a mistake. We got lots of cards/checks addressed to Mr & Mrs DHoldlastname. One of my college friends gave us this beautifully hand lettered calligraphy scripture verse with DHoldlastname on it, we still have it hanging in our home.
Honestly, It would hurt my DH's feelings if I changed my last name and a year later wanted to change back. Have you talked to your DH? How does he feel about this?
But aren't last names about families? When my husband and I were married, I took his last name and had no problem with it at all. I don't see it as belittling women in any way - it isn't about the man-woman issue, it's about family! I think it is really wonderful - the change of name symbolizes the connection between your two families and the lovely creation of a third. It's a beautiful thing!
If you prefer to hyphenate, that works well too, equally symbolizing the joining of two families and the creation of the third, you and your husband. Keeping your own last name is definitely okay too, but it lacks that symbolism.
Marriage isn't a complete "breaking away" from your families, and it shouldn't be. Yes, you are a new, independent family, but within the special relation between both of your extended families. It seems sad to throw away the special importance of being a part of your extended family by not sharing your last name. Just a thought.
I did the same thing, kept my maiden name at work. DH understands that it took me a long time to build my career (I was a journalist for a long time and continue to freelance. My name is my byline and would hate to lose any clear lines of communication brought around by a name change). That part of my life is mine, he didn't help me build it. On the other hand, I have changed my name legally because I love my DH intensely. I want our kids to share our last name. As much as I would like to carry on my family's name, my husband lets me win on everything. The least I could do was take his name.
My licence says DH's last name, but my business cards are all mine.
I find it odd that you want to do something you know will upset your husband.
I'm the furthest thing from a feminist, but I'm an incredibly strong and independent woman none the less. The fact that you "hate" your FIL shouldn't affect how you feel about your husband's name. If he (FIL) isn't in your life, why do you feel the need to associate the name with that negative aspect.
I'm proud to have my husband's name, and wouldn't have it any other way. Changing your name is not, in any way, a sign of weakness (imo) so I don't get people not wanting to do it.
My main concern, however, is my initial statement...if your husband is going to be upset (and who can blame him) why would you do it?
"I changed my name on my licence and kept it on my social security card and passport. So I fly (domestically) on my married name and bank and pay taxes on my maiden name. "
I did this as well, more as an oversight in regards to the SSN.
BUT, be prepared for the IRS to contact you, it took them a few years but I did receive a letter that my taxes would not be filed as the name on my taxes was different that what was with my SSN. So at that point I had to change my SSN.
In the state of Massachusetts you are required to enter on the marriage license how your name will appear after you are married.
I guess my question would be, why would you only change your license?
Will your credit cards be under your old name? What if you are asked for an ID to go with the credit cards?
Sorry I am not trying to pry, I was just curious
L
I also never understood what's "sexist" about changing your last name to your husband's. I have friends who have kept their maiden names for various reasons, such as they are already well known professionally/are published under their maiden name, or they don't like their new husband's last name, and to me that makes sense I guess. I personally think picking a totally random new name for both people is ridiculous...it just seems unneccesarily hard, and it's basically telling your new husband that you think his name isn't good enough for you, which seems at least as "sexist" to me as if you took his name.
I switched to my husband's name because it was easy, he had a better last name (I got to move way up in the alphabet!), and I want us all to have the same last name once we have kids. I don't particularly like my in-laws, but my new last name is "my" family's name, and has nothing to do with them.
I think the more important thing at this point is that if you change your last name back NOW, you are going to have to deal with lots of friends/ family/ coworkers/ neighbors wondering if your marriage is on the rocks. Plus, from the way you are describing your husband's feelings on the issue, it sounds like if you do this it might cause your marriage to actually BE on the rocks. I guess you have to decide if it's worth it to you to open this can of worms and add this issue to your marriage. Maybe you can consider changing your middle name to your maiden name, and that way you can call yourself "first maiden new" if you want.
I consider last names to be a part of a persons heritage and culture. To me it has more to do with where someone is from than be associated with a specific person or "ownership". Maybe think of it that way?
I have my maiden name as a second middle name. That way I don't have to sign both names every time but it's still connected to me. I'm not a feminist so I only kept my maiden name because we are the only family in the U.S. with that last name. My grandpa was also always big on keeping that name alive and sadly, most of the grand kids and great grand kids are female. After he past, I wanted to do it in honor of him.
I know it can be a touchy subject for a guy but whatever you do, both you and your husband should be happy.
What I'm going to say may sound harsh, but I truly don't intend it that way. You think too much. Lots of things we do today had incredibly unfortunate origins -- things we may not even realize. We can choose to wallow in the past or we can move forward and make things what we want in the future. While at one point taking a husband's name signified his ownership of the wife, we have to remember at the root of it all was basic social organization -- keeping track of who's connected with whom in a familial sense.
That said, do whatever the hell you want for a last name, just don't expect your husband to be happy about it or to jump right in there with you. As much as you're attached to your original last name, he's probably just as attached to his. And I doubt he's putting as much intense thought into it as you are.
On the separate topic that arose regarding the legality of a partial name change, this is very dicey. Generally speaking, we only get to choose one last name, whether we treat it as two words (as is traditional in Latino cultures) or a hyphenate. Whatever's on your social security card is your last name. Some states haven't caught up with that yet. One example is that North Carolina never required proof of U.S. residency until a few years ago. If it's been working out for you so far, that's great. Just keep in mind that if someone gets the wrong idea about it, you could end up on the no-fly list or something equally crazy.
We just got married this past August, and I haven't changed my name. Truth be told, I was never one of those people who ever thought of, "Oh I can't wait to be Mrs. Gray!" It was never a concern of mine, really, and I never really wanted to change it. It was, at first, a big deal to my husband, but we came to the compromise that once all of my legal documents expired and needed to be renewed (license, car registration, passport, etc.) that I would change it then. That was our first compromise. Since then, we've discussed it more and he said that he is not concerned with me having the same last name as him until we have children. He understands that my last name is important to me (technically, my younger brother and I are the only ones from our lineage who have the last name still, as my father's only brother passed away 15 years ago and all of his cousins have daughters) and, honestly, it would take a while for me to get used to being called by a new last name. I also don't have a great relationship with my in-laws (my husband doesn't either, he's very different from his parents and sister) so I really didn't want to jump into having the same last name as them right away.
Wouldn't it just be easier to go by your maiden name again? It's just as easy as changing your last name in the first place, and you don't have to go through the hassle of coming up with a brand new name. It also keeps your heritage and culture bound to you, which is important (I think).
I moved my former last name to my middle name, and took my husband's last name to my last. So we still have the same last name (his).
He actually approached me prior to the wedding and said he'd decided he also wanted to take my name- so he too took it as a middle name. We both kicked out our former middle (yes, family) names. It was a way of both letting go and both taking on something new. It was really interesting to see him go through the process. It felt so much like we were doing it "together". It was really hard for both of us, but we're happy with the decision.
Your husband might not like what you choose- but as long as you're open and communicative I think you can make the decision you'd like to make. He doesn't have to agree or be happy about it. It doesn't sound like you're doing it to be hurtful or vindictive (which I think a lot of partners might assume in a situation like this), so as long as he's clear on why you're doing it and feels confident in your love and care for him, I say go for it!
I was married in my 20's and changed my name. My H's name was fine, but a bit generic and I never loved it. When we got divorced after 9 yrs, getting my maiden name back was a pain in the you-know-what. I swore that if I ever got married again, I'd never change my name.
Forward 6 years and I did get married again. And I did NOT change my name. This has nothing to do with preparing for another divorce/name change. I simply worked hard to get my name back and am too well-established professionally to go thru the name-change game again. My H has no problem at all with my not changing my name. Every legal document has my maiden name.
My compromise however, is that socially, I am Mrs. Hislastname. We have a son and he has children from his first marriage too, so this way we all share the same name for their sake. When I call the school, it's as Mrs. HLN, and the kids friends all call me that too. It works for us and we have not had any confusion. The only person who seemed to have a problem with it was my step-MIL. But since I recently unfriended her on FB, it's not really an issue.
Oh, and I have never had a problem depositing checks into my account with his last name. I just sign as Myfirstname Mylastname Hislastname.
My mom started using her maiden name as her middle name or as a hyphenate when she was in her 50's. She had gone back to school and developed a feminist streak. Never bothered my dad in the slightest.
You do need to talk to your H now tho. It's a conversation you should have had before the wedding, but you should still have it and be honest about your feelings. If this is giving you this much grief now and a potenial relationship issue, I can only imagine how you will handle the really big problems later.
My husband and I have a really egalitarian relationship. So, when we discussed name changes it made sense that either both of us would change our names or neither would, so that one of us didn't take precedence over the other. We are both close to our families and enjoy the symbolism of keeping our family names. In the end, we agreed to ditch our given middle names and take each other's last names as our middle names.
So, now I'm Myfirstname Hislastname Mylastname, and he's Hisfirstname Mylastname Hislastname.
We got some grief from his family. His parents are old-fashioned and didn't really understand. It helped to tell them that just as I was joining their family and taking their name, he was joining my family and taking my name.
It confuses people who don't know us well. We get mail addressed in all sorts of combinations. I've seen my name with my own last name, with his last name, with both in either order, with and without a hyphen. He also sometimes gets mail where he is Mr. Mylastname. We expected this and have just decided not to let it bother us.
A previous poster mentioned expense. In my state (North Carolina), it costs nothing to change your own last name to your new husband's last name when you get married. However, if you want to do anything else with your name, there is a lot of paperwork, and I think it cost about $100. Same for a man changing his name at all. Sexist, I know.
I love how you replied to this post. As an un-published academic I chose to add my wife's last name to my maiden name w/o a hyphen. We also plan on having children and I want limited confusion when that does happen. Having two last names has made it so I can use my maiden name at work and married name for other purposes.
ditto!
Hi
I also thought changing my last name was sexist (yes, I realize that keeping my paternal last name is also seen by many as sexist). Anyway, I'm a big fan of the hyphen... To me, it unites both of us, it symbolizes the beginning of a new family; our family.
I spoke with my H very seriously regarding the last name thing long before we got married and he agreed to also hyphenate his last name to include both (it's only fair) and I don?t want our kids to have a different last name.
Bottom-line, talk to your H, I?m sure you two can come to an agreement? Maybe hyphenate your maternal last name and your H?s last name? Just a suggestion!
Good luck!
I have always thought of myself as firstname lastname. When required to complete a nametag I always used both names, while many people only ever use a firstname. This I think is the key to whether people think a last name is important or not -- whether you think of yourself as firstname only or not.
My DH did not care what I did with my name. I chose to have two last names - two words no hyphen. I married for the only time at 40 and have a world of people who only know me by maiden name. I have a new world of people - DH's peeps - who will think to find me under his name. I have both names to solve confusion when we have children with his name. Some "helpful" people add a hyphen.
The back of the wedding program clearly listed our names on two lines, and I made personal cards using vista print with my new address, new name and new phone information on it to include in thank you notes and wedding announcements to my peeps.
In Maryland marriage licenses/certificates only have the names as they were at the time the license was purchased. Your legal name in the United States is what is on your social security card. In Maryland motor vehicles confirms your name via computer against the social security database. The social security office even told me I had to wait two days before going for a new driver's license to be sure that I was in the system.
People are mostly confused about how to address envelopes. We recently got a letter address to M&M my two last names.
I am estranged from my father (no contact in over a decade) and never met by FIL.
After reading this post and a majority of the responses... I can see why there is a break down in the morals and traditions of our country.
I don't consider myself "the little wife" and I have a serious career that I have built for myself and I changed my last name to my husbands. I can understand hyphenating your name... but creating a new name or asking your husband to change his?? Crazy. What kind of ballless man does that? Maybe I just love tradition too much... but I think when you're in love with someone you look forward to sharing his last name and possibly starting your own family under that name... carry on tradition. (If kids are your thing... hey, they're not for everyone)
They ONLY way I can see taking on a BRAND new name is if you're in a same sex relationship... even then, I don't think it's that impressive.
Have people lost all sense of family or traditional values?? You can be a "strong, independent" woman and still hold onto family values. Being you're own person doesn't mean trashing tradition.
Just my two cents.
On a side note... in the State of Texas, you can't have a different last name on your SS card and your DL. I'm surprised any state would allow that and I'd consider that fraud if you could.
10-10-10 here we come!
Kelly's BIO-Hazard