Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?

myheromyworld89 · December 2010

I changed my name to my DH's last name. Not because he forced me, because he certainly didn't, but because (for me) I'm proud of him and proud to have his last name. I don't feel like changing my name gives him ownership over me at all. Do I do what I want when I want? Not always because I now have someone else's feelings to consider when I'm making choices but that doesn't make me a doormat, that makes me respectful and he respects me in the same way. I have no intentions of trying to pick a fight but to be honest its a little insulting to those of us who have decided to change our names that we're, in a sense, seen as conformists. To be clear....I'm not my husbands doormat nor is he mine. I changed my name because I am a woman who does like tradition ,and I'll admit that, but I understand that tradition is not for everyone and thats fine. But when I look back and see everything my husband has done for me and sacrificed for me, and I'm sure most of your DH's do, I don't see taking his last name as a big deal. My name does not define my personality simply identifies me as my husbands wife. If you want to go back to your maiden name, or any other name, for business reasons or even just simply because you like another name better, then do it....but I don't think that your reasoning should be because you feel like you've lost a part of yourself in taking his name....Yes your name indentifies you but does not define you or your marriage.

surewood · December 2010

the name on your marriage license is your maiden name. or whatever your legal name was when you got the license. at least that is the case in my state.

surewood · December 2010

a male friend of mine who was never on good terms with his father chose to take his wife's last name when they married. i thought this might be relevant to you as you said your FIL is not in your lives...

myheromyworld89 · December 2010

1. I agree with you.

2. I think it's that way in Indiana also...infact after changing my name on my SS card I believe I was only given 30 days to change it on my license too. Something like that....they only give you 30 days to do anything after you get married.

Molissa10 · December 2010

srgw:

And even if I hated my FIL (which I don't), I love that I share my last name with my H and whatever kids we have someday because that's my family. Just a thought.

I totally agree. And really, it's just a name! Personally, I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

bonkers144 · December 2010

I proposed a "complete name change" with my husband before our wedding, but he didn't want to change his name. He said he didn't care if I changed mine, but that he would like me to, but that it was MY NAME. I thought it would be fun to take all of the letters of my maiden name and all the letters of his and mix them up and make a new name. Anyway, that didn't happen, so I kept my last name and added his, no hypens, I moved my maiden name into the middle, keeping my middle name too (it is my mother's maiden name, and I did not want to get rid of it either), so my new name is FirstName MiddleName MaidenName HIsLastName. So we are still Mr & Mrs. Hislastname, but I still feel like "me". I have considered keeping my maiden name for business use, as I have an article published in a prestigious journal and have multiple degrees with my maiden name, but I haven't decided yet on that. Legally I have 4 names, so I didn't lost any, I gained one! I think it was a great compromise, my husband is happy that we share our lastname, and I am happy because I didn't have to lose a name!

stevie1968 · December 2010

KellyLovesJames:

After reading this post and a majority of the responses... I can see why there is a break down in the morals and traditions of our country.

but creating a new name or asking your husband to change his?? Crazy. What kind of ballless man does that?

OK, I really have to comment on this one. I have a friend who married a man who's father abandoned him (and his mother) as a child. His mother then married an abusive man who adopted him. She later divirced him. My friend's husband has no relationship with either of the men who called themselves his father and feels no connection them either, tho he has carried each of their last names. When he and my friend got married, he asked to take my friend's last name becasue he finally felt he had a name that he connected to family.

Ball-less? Hardly.

june3631 · December 2010

I chose to keep my name when I got married, and was pretty surprised at how many people have such a strong opinion about it, even people I hardly know. Acutally, especially people I hardly know.

I want to have the same name as my future kids, so I'm going to use my maiden/current name as a middle name and change my last name to his. I have no plans on doing that until I get pregnant, and knowing me, I'll be doing online between contractions :P

My husband was a little hurt that I didn't want to change my name, but I've had it my whole life, and I don't want to change it. I'm usually very sensitive to judgement, but for some reason, my critics really don't bother me on this one. Other than my husband of course, but he loves me, so he doesn't judge, and tries to understand.

Don't get too carried away with the sexism part of it; it's just a name, not the deed to your life. Just make sure you're comfortable with whatever you choose. Whatever it is, it's better than Princess Consuela Banana Hammack

KellyLovesJames · December 2010

stevie1968:
KellyLovesJames:

After reading this post and a majority of the responses... I can see why there is a break down in the morals and traditions of our country.

but creating a new name or asking your husband to change his?? Crazy. What kind of ballless man does that?

OK, I really have to comment on this one. I have a friend who married a man who's father abandoned him (and his mother) as a child. His mother then married an abusive man who adopted him. She later divirced him. My friend's husband has no relationship with either of the men who called themselves his father and feels no connection them either, tho he has carried each of their last names. When he and my friend got married, he asked to take my friend's last name becasue he finally felt he had a name that he connected to family.

Ball-less? Hardly.

I don't know... there is definitely an argument to be made there, but I'm still sticking with my original thought.

There are many of us with sob stories, me included. My dad was horrible to my mother, he abandoned us when I was very young (mom, me and sister) and left my poor mother broke and never paid CS. She passed away shortly after due to an auto accident and he didn't want us. Luckily she had family that stepped up and took us in. I still had his last name until I married. It was the name given to me at birth, but it didn't define who I was...

DonnanJay · December 2010

For professional reasons I also kept my last name, which was my maiden name, and added his, without a hyphen. I was married and divorced after 27 years. I was so happy to be able to use the name of my family again. So, a disclaimer, I am older and from a place in the world where your family name is honored but also wanted to appear united as a family. I feel your family name is similar to DNA, not really something to change. I struggled with the "name decision" but am very happy with it, I am able to use either/or.

DonnanJay · December 2010

I agree, I have a great career but there is something warm about being called Mr and Mrs. The day we were married a new family was created.

hippyveg · December 2010

I also consider myself a feminist and didn't want to completely give up my name. Plus, I don't think it's so much a picture of "two becoming one" as me becoming him. So when we got married a year and a half ago, we combined our names. I was McDaniel, he was Morris and we are now "McDarris". I love it and I have never regretted it once!

Just be wary that your family, mostly his, will probably not be warm to the idea. Ours weren't. But it is your marriage, not theirs. It's also a lot of work, legally changing names for both of you, but well worth it in my opinion. And everyone but our families thought the idea was awesome! I think it's a beautiful picture of coming together and starting anew.

Jane_Birkin · December 2010

hoo boy. I have to respond because so many posters are acting as if this is absurd question. one of my friends is in exactly the same position. she changed her name (to one which is extremely common) but realized later how attached she had been to her ethnic last name. she is grappling with whether to change her name back and thinking about moving HisLast to her middle name.

i am totally a feminist and for me there wasn't a question about whether i was going to change my name or not. i wasn't going to change it--i think my husband would have been disappointed if I decided to take his name. Keeping your name is very common in my profession and my social circle as well....to the point when I am actually a little surprised when I meet a woman who has changed her name to her husband's. I don't judge it though, because have all kinds of reasons for doing things they do, like my friend who changed her name to get rid of the name of her abusive father.

It often seems to me, though, that people who think it is "just a name, what's the big deal' are people who freak over the idea of the dude changing his name instead. Culturally names are a HUGE deal--hence immigrants who take on American names or give their children American names rather than ethnic names, or descendants of slaves who change their last name so they no longer have the same name as their ancestors' slavemaster.

My parents and my MIL are completely perplexed by my keeping my name but I view it as a generational thing.

elk571 · December 2010

First to address the issue abt your name being changed (and the ppl talking abt the "fraud"): I was in law enforcement for several yrs, several different types in fact, including those w/ Social Security- no matter if/how many times u change your name, any name that used to be yours will always be. It will either be listed as an alias, maiden, or alternate name. This will include SS, taxes, police computers, even on credit reports. So changing your name never really gets rid of it completely, as you'll always be that person, and not changing it legally still makes u both ppl as well b/c you're using both names (as in the "fraud" woman, it will depend on WHY you're using one at one time and one at another to determine whether or not it's fraud, regardless of whether or not it's "right"- you're still both ppl). As an example, DH is military and when we decided to claim residency in the same state as each other so taxes and things were easier (b/c in the military u just keep a 'home of record' no matter where u go) his new driver's license got messed up and his first middle and last names were in the wrong spots. He got it corrected, but every time his name is run he has to claim his "alias" even though he didn't even do it himself! It will always be there. So I guess what I'm saying is that changing names or not, whatever makes u/him happy, u will still have your DH/FIL's name, and your husband will always have his original name...maybe not in social circles b/c you'll choose how to introduce yourself, but ultimately u can't get away from it...

micgater · December 2010

I had a hard time giving up my last name and thought about hyphenating it and I remember my best friend begging me not to. She was given a hyphenated name at birth and throughout school, appointments, college and so on, it was a complete pain. People couldn't find records or made the first part her middle name, even though she had a middle name. She's a very practical person and not one to complain, so I took her opinion seriously. So that's an opinion from somebody who did not chose it.

If you plan to have kids, I would have the same last name as your husband. I talk to kids everyday and work in a school and it's just nicer for everybody, INCLUDING your children, when the parents have the same last name.

I'm not including my feelings about how we have to change our names and I could go on about that--- this is just my practical answer.

jhaustin@buffalo.edu · December 2010

With that attitude, you can just wait a few months and take the name of your second husband...

lindsayanng · December 2010

I am so confused as to how this whole system is sexist and even more so how keeping your maiden name is sexist!! Yes, it would be sexist if it still signified ownership, but it doesn't.

What about racism? I don't know about your lineage, but a lot of names that have originated in this country have deep roots in racism. Many african americans are keeping their last names every those are the last names given to their ancestors by their owners! Yet many african americans kept their names for a million reasons. They don't feel "owned" by their names and it can be considered a badge of honor as well as direct line to your past.

Why would you want to completely erase any connection to any struggles. What if your great aunt helped to lead women's suffrage rights movement? If you remove any connection to your lineage by coming up with an entirely NEW name it's very possible that your children and grand children will never learn about your family's history.

Hyphenating is fine, I can even understand keeping a married name if you have a career (but since when does a new name really kill your career?? If you are that well known you will be fine)

Name merging isn't just about your new family. Its about lineage - both yours AND your husbands. Just because there's one person in hundreds of years of lineage that you don't like isn't a good enough excuse to not want to take it.

I have to also say that I changed my name for my husband and I'm not particularly in LOVE with my FIL or MIL (even even the rest). I also lost my dad the year I got married. I had a moment about 1 year in that I wanted to go back.. but you know what, it was a moment.. So maybe sit on it a while. I still miss my maiden name, but I know it's never entirely gone.. As someone pointed out earlier.. You are what you were on the birth certificate and married names are still technical aliases/

I think some feminists over think everything. I would consider myself feminist in that I dont do ANYTHING because I am forced but I do love to make my husband happy (and he does the same for me). I am strong and educated and my husband and I own a business together. Its one of those things..

KiTX · December 2010

It's YOUR name, and it sounds although your husband wanted you to change it, it wasn't the most important thing in the world to him. If he doesn't go for a new name, then you have to respect that, and it sounds like you will- after all, that's HIS name that he has a connection to just like you connect to yours. I commend you big time for not sticking with something that makes you unhappy on a daily basis- just be sure to talk it out with your husband first and have a united front on it so he doesn't feel uncomfortable or resentful when the annoying questions inevitably come from friends and strangers!

wegoromo · December 2010

" "I changed my name on my licence and kept it on my social security card and passport. So I fly (domestically) on my married name and bank and pay taxes on my maiden name. "

I did this as well, more as an oversight in regards to the SSN.

BUT, be prepared for the IRS to contact you, it took them a few years but I did receive a letter that my taxes would not be filed as the name on my taxes was different that what was with my SSN. So at that point I had to change my SSN. "

Yes that doesn't quite make sense. I had an interesting situation in regards to this as I hyphenated my name on my marriage license and when I went to change my name everywhere ran into some problems.

Basically the SSN office has limits for the length of the names:

First: 16 characters

Middle: 16 characters

Last: 21 characters

My last name was 22 characters and the incompetent people at the office and on the phone could not help me. I mean there's got to be others out there with the problem of having too long of a name. Anyway, eventually I found someone at a SSN booth at a college who seemed competent and explained that if I just keep everything in my maiden name then I'd be fine and for tax purposes and everything else so I just kept my same name even though my marriage license has it hyphenated.

So long story short, even though the MN people say I'd legally changed my name, for all intensive purposes it had not changed.

I too grappled with the decision. I like my name, it was mine, and I wanted to keep it so it was either hyphenate or keep it. I concluded that since the two of us were becoming one that I should hyphenate it. Plus my mom kept her name and sometimes it was confusing for people which can be a good thing sometimes and a bad thing sometimes, but anyway, with the hypenation I could keep my name but also share my name with my husband and eventually my kids. Alas, after I had finally come to being good with that decision, I couldn't even change my name!

It can be costly to change your name, depends on the state. But it will be time consuming as you probably know from changing it in the first place.

jackieom4 · December 2010

I changed my last name to my husband's after getting married over 2 years ago. I knew it was the wrong decision for me even before getting married but I did it anyone. I have been wanting to change it back the whole time I've been married...I have my reasons...Not for anything pertaining to resentment toward my husband or the typical marriage name changing stuff, or anything like that. I haven't done it yet because I wanted to make sure it's what I wanted. And I know for sure it's what I want! So, I decided I'm going to just add my maiden name back in, not hyphenated. Your husband needs to realize that this is an important thing to you, so even if it doesn't make him particularly happy, he should support you and have a conversation with you about it. Good luck!

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

Five_letter:

Wow, I could have written this myself. Down to the complicated name and hating the FIL.

I broke down in tears to my husband a few weeks ago.

We're at a stalemate over what name to give the children.

Exactly! I *really* don't want my children to have his last name due to the issues with his dad. So, there's the problem. He won't change his names and I won't name my kids with that last name. :-(

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

april77056:
SocialWorker2B:

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I'm really into the ideas of getting a new last name or BOTH of us hyphenating our last names.

I think my problem is that everyone I do involves ONLY ME changing something. If we both change our last names, it doesn't feel as antiquated. (sp?)

Thanks again, I really appreciate it! :-)

So he sure as hell can't tell you what to do with your last name, but you're going to tell him what to do with his? You said he never forced you, so why are you going to try and force him. He isn't going to change his last name, you said it already. So just worry about yours. Seriously. Being a feminist means wanting EQUAL rights for men and women. Right now you're saying your wishes trump your husbands wishes. That's not being a feminist.

If we both change our names, that IS equal.

Me changing MY name is NOT equal. I am the only one who is sacrificing. Plus, it still leaves the kids' last name issue.

AMD1216 · December 2010

My opinion comes from the fact that I grew up with my mom have two different last names and everyone constantly calling her by my Dad's last name. I did not want my children to go through that, and although, I think people are more careful about it now, I want to give my children pride in their last name.

My husband wanted me to keep my last name because he appreciates how society is changing and thinks it is very admirable when a women keeps her last name, especially for career purposes. So I compromised and hyphenated my middle and my last name. This is also because I want to name one of our children that name one day. (My maiden name is Taylor).

So to keep it short, I think you have several options not just hyphenating or going back. I would find something, that you and your husband are comfortable with and tailor it to compromise the situation. I hope this helps and good luck figuring out what works for you!

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

Emerald27:

But aren't last names about families? When my husband and I were married, I took his last name and had no problem with it at all. I don't see it as belittling women in any way - it isn't about the man-woman issue, it's about family! I think it is really wonderful - the change of name symbolizes the connection between your two families and the lovely creation of a third. It's a beautiful thing!

If you prefer to hyphenate, that works well too, equally symbolizing the joining of two families and the creation of the third, you and your husband. Keeping your own last name is definitely okay too, but it lacks that symbolism.

Marriage isn't a complete "breaking away" from your families, and it shouldn't be. Yes, you are a new, independent family, but within the special relation between both of your extended families. It seems sad to throw away the special importance of being a part of your extended family by not sharing your last name. Just a thought.

But, how is it not sexist when YOU are the ONLY one changing names?

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

tevagirl:

I kept my name, DH changed his name to mine. I wanted to keep mine, he wanted us to have a common name, so he changed. When the minister introduced us at the wedding, there was an audible gasp - everyone thought she had made a mistake. We got lots of cards/checks addressed to Mr & Mrs DHoldlastname. One of my college friends gave us this beautifully hand lettered calligraphy scripture verse with DHoldlastname on it, we still have it hanging in our home.

Honestly, It would hurt my DH's feelings if I changed my last name and a year later wanted to change back. Have you talked to your DH? How does he feel about this?

he is NOT happy. he says I can change my name to whatever I want, he's not overly thrilled about it but still. but, he will not change his name and I don't want the kids to have his last name

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

AaronKara:

I find it odd that you want to do something you know will upset your husband.

I'm the furthest thing from a feminist, but I'm an incredibly strong and independent woman none the less. The fact that you "hate" your FIL shouldn't affect how you feel about your husband's name. If he (FIL) isn't in your life, why do you feel the need to associate the name with that negative aspect.

I'm proud to have my husband's name, and wouldn't have it any other way. Changing your name is not, in any way, a sign of weakness (imo) so I don't get people not wanting to do it.

My main concern, however, is my initial statement...if your husband is going to be upset (and who can blame him) why would you do it?

If he's happy, I'm unhappy and vice versa.

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

KellyLovesJames:

After reading this post and a majority of the responses... I can see why there is a break down in the morals and traditions of our country.

I don't consider myself "the little wife" and I have a serious career that I have built for myself and I changed my last name to my husbands. I can understand hyphenating your name... but creating a new name or asking your husband to change his?? Crazy. What kind of ballless man does that? Maybe I just love tradition too much... but I think when you're in love with someone you look forward to sharing his last name and possibly starting your own family under that name... carry on tradition. (If kids are your thing... hey, they're not for everyone)

They ONLY way I can see taking on a BRAND new name is if you're in a same sex relationship... even then, I don't think it's that impressive.

Have people lost all sense of family or traditional values?? You can be a "strong, independent" woman and still hold onto family values. Being you're own person doesn't mean trashing tradition.

Just my two cents.

On a side note... in the State of Texas, you can't have a different last name on your SS card and your DL. I'm surprised any state would allow that and I'd consider that fraud if you could.

Tradition = sexist.

Why doesn't the man take the wife's name?

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

lady09nmb:
How about... just picking a new last name for yourself that's neither your maiden nor married. Then perhaps later if your husbands thinks it's cool and comes around, you can celebrate by changing his on your wedding anniversary. The metamorphasis of the coupleship.

I want a whole new last name but H won't do it.

SocialWorker2B · December 2010

hippyveg:

I also consider myself a feminist and didn't want to completely give up my name. Plus, I don't think it's so much a picture of "two becoming one" as me becoming him. So when we got married a year and a half ago, we combined our names. I was McDaniel, he was Morris and we are now "McDarris". I love it and I have never regretted it once!

Just be wary that your family, mostly his, will probably not be warm to the idea. Ours weren't. But it is your marriage, not theirs. It's also a lot of work, legally changing names for both of you, but well worth it in my opinion. And everyone but our families thought the idea was awesome! I think it's a beautiful picture of coming together and starting anew.

THANK YOU!

This is exactly what I want to do! :-)

Edgedancer · December 2010

Many folks missed the most important part of this question. Names aren't about ego, they're about history. The name itself isn't important, but the ability to know one's family and cultural history (and especially one's MEDICAL history) is critical. It's also important to children to have the same name as their parents whenever possible - when they don't, they often feel like "outsiders." Whatever you decide, make sure you have all the respective histories of both sides of the family written down for your kids. (And I suspect you'll be VERY appreciative of all the people who came before you who didn't change their name except through marriage!)

Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?

Re: Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?

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