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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?
Women these days choose to do all sorts of things with their name - change it, not change it, hyphenate it, or combine it with their new husband to make a new name. But IMO, this is something that you should have addressed BEFORE you got married. At this point, it's going to look (to your hubby and everyone else) like you are having second thoughts about the whole marriage. I don't know, maybe you are? In which case you should just wait until you get divorced to change your name.
I don't really get the hangup about your issue with naming your kids your new name. Just because he is estranged from his father doesn't mean the name is tainted or cursed. I highly doubt your kids are going to suffer due to the fact that they share a name with someone it sounds like they will never even meet. Maybe it would help if you stopped thinking of the name as his father's name and start embracing it as YOUR name - you and your husband are a family now, and it is the name of your family unit.
Tradition = Sexist? What? Why change everything just for the sake of change??
Traditional women give birth... is that sexist to you too?? Can you change that?
Why can't you be a strong and independent person without forcing everyone around you (including those you love) to change?? Why can't you just be strong and independent in your surroundings and enjoy tradition? A woman can become the President of the United States WITH her husband's last name.
10-10-10 here we come!
Kelly's BIO-Hazard
My mother and father both kept their own names when they married. My mother and father have multi-syllable last names. For their kids, they each took part of their name and combined them together to get a new last name. Therefore, my last name is different from both of theirs but still part of theirs.
I don't think many people think about this option when they have kids. Of course, your kids could have hyphenated last names too.
When I got married I kept my last name. I kept it only because it was such a part of me that I couldn't see parting with it.
I wouldn?t worry too much about sexism or feminism driving your decision. Feminism is ultimately about choice so whatever you go with, it will be in the spirit of feminism. A friend of mine changed her name completely, separating herself from her family name before she married and kept her new invented name even after she married. Her husband was fine with it, though I don?t know how her family felt. It defiantly makes a statement (to your family above all others), which may or may not be your intent. This friend of mine, as long as I have known her, has not been close with her family and will have no children to carry forward either hers? or her husband?s name.
I was given my mother?s maiden name at birth and was completely indifferent about changing my name when married. I asked my husband if he had a preference. He said he?d like me to take his if I didn?t mind. Since I liked his name I took it without a second thought. It just wasn?t important to me, though maybe it would be if I didn?t like his name.
Part of marriage is learning to respect the other person... giving up a little to make the other happy. If you think your husband will have a problem with this then is it really something causing a big issue over. Having a man's last name is not unfeminist or sexist, that is taking the issue way to far. We, as women, are no less important because we take on our husband's last name. All that is is respect, which is something that men still deserve.
I'm hypenated. Maiden Name - Married Name.
I chose to keep it that way, because I was adopted by a stepfather and he passed away. I was used to it, it meant a lot to me.
I just recently used Married Name at work when signing papers. My DL and SSC is hypenated.
When I got remarried 7 years ago I decided to take my husband's last name and drop my last name from my previous marriage. This gave us the same last name but my son from a former relationship had my maiden name. This didn't seem to be a problem as my new spouse expressed a desire to legally adopt my son (the only Dad he's known since he was 2, he's now 13).
Well, things have not gone well. Never did adopt our son, and because of my feelings that it might have a negative effect on his sense of belonging I changed my name back to my maiden name. My H never mentioned whether it bothered him or not. I did consider hyphenating my maiden name and his but it would have read B.J. Ball-Hunter! Didn't really conjure up the right visual!
Having a totally different last name has never been an issue with us or anyone else. Easier now I guess since he's decided to leave us. A whole different drama.
Just pick something that is meaningful to you. In response to someone who mentioned medical issues or possibly needing info about relatives, It's not a bad idea. My son is mixed heritage and when a school project came up about his ancestors, because I knew all his biological father's family members names, he was able find out alot about his lineage. It meant alot to him at the time. Good Luck!
SERIOUSLY?
You are an idiot. Get over yourself or you are going to have a lifelong unhappy marriage.
This what marriage is about: adopting compromising. You are going to make your husband change his name after you already changed yours? You seriously going to make everyone go through this trouble because you have feminist notions?
I am sorry for your husband. I am sorry you don't feel the love and beauty of becoming one and feel the need to be independent of his name.
You *** I feel sorry for you.
I simply added my husband's last name to my name, thus giving me four names isntead of three. I did not want to give up my ymiddle or my last, but I did want to take my husband's last name for the unity of our new family. I am a professional as well and therefore keeping my last name as an additional middle name cuts down on the confusion and problems that can occur when changing ones professional name. I did not hyphenate, my maidenname is just a second middle name.
As for the sexist nature of changing your name or keeping your name, it is what it is. It has been doen that way forever and is merely a way of identifying with your family. Don't read into it so much.
As a feminist I?m not telling you what to do? Your choice after all.
Seriously? You refuse to have children and give them your husband (THEIR FATHER'S) last name? Seriously? You're a piece of work, but don't you worry, I suspect with that attitude he will divorce you before the kids come along. You are what give feminists a bad name because you don't believe in equality, you believe in women having more.
Hi Julie324.
Is that your name? (Just trying to keep it light - not making fun). From my point of view, names are convenient labels by which to identify ourselves. I know the historical reason we take our fathers' name and the wife changes her name, is rooted in sexist traditions, but boys, too take their fathers' name. I have yet to see a boy/man be bothered by it. You will say - that boy gets to have his "property: one day, too, when he gets married, but, nevertheless, the boy is considered "property" too.
I chose to keep my name because I just feel that is the name by which I am known by my friends and colleagues. That is the person I have been for 41 years and being legally bound to another person does not change that, in my opinion. My husband agrees and encouraged me to keep my name. My family automatically assumed I would take my husband's name - I think they still do - but, at the most (still have not decided), I will hyphenate, but probably will just keep the name (mostly for professional reasons). I guess that would be considered changing the name. My friend needed to hyphenate because we live in a very Christian-oriented society and her boy was being discriminated against due to the assumption that his parents were not married. It's terrible, I know, but she compromised, thereby changing her name to a hyphenated one, for her son.
I also know people who changed their name by taking elements of both names and combining them. This worked out just fine. The most extreme case I have encountered is a friend that changed her name to one she extensively researched, not because she got married, but because she simply hated her dad and did not want to be considered his property.
I guess the point is, you need to come to this decision with your husband, make sure it is a win-win situation, and do not think too much about who else has the same name you happen to sign on documents. If the name makes you cringe, you need to change it, otherwise you will come to resent your husband in addition to hating your FIL. But if you want to change your name for stubborn reasons, I think it would be counter-productive for your relationship. These types of decisions should be made using our heart and not our head.
Take care.
It seems like Nashville, TN might be one of the cheaper places to legally change your name. The filing fee is $157.50 and it's not required to place an ad in the paper or put signs in your lawn like it is in some other states. However, if you're a woman changing your name to your husband's (or hyphenating) because you just got married, then you don't have to go through the "legal" name change (you don't have to pay the fee). All you have to do is sign your new name on your marriage certificate and use the official copy to notify the DMV, SS Administration, etc. Does anybody else find it unfair that if the man wants to change his name, there's no free option for him? Even though the women's options are seriously limited, at least they're there.
Both my husband and I will be changing our last names to a new name. I REALLY didn't think he would change his name when we first started talking about names, and neither did he, but we both realized it was important to us to have the same last name as our future kid(s). If we weren't going to have kids, then we probably just would have kept our own names. Hyphenating wasn't a good option for us because our names don't flow together well and it makes for a really long name (What happens if two people with hyphenated last names get married and want to hyphenate? Do you have 4 last names? I've always wondered about that...). Neither of us wanted to take the other's last name, so the fair thing to do is to pick a new one.
We?re leaning towards using a family name that?s died out or the first (or middle) name of a close relative that?s passed on. We?re not fans of mixing the letters of our names to make a new one or picking something arbitrary; we want a name with meaning already attached. I know this may sound weird to some of you, but it's what works for us. 
Since we figured out what we want to do only a couple weeks before our wedding and didn't want to rush into a big decision (especially in the middle of wedding craziness), we've given ourselves till January 1st to decide on our name. This'll also give us a chance to talk to our families so they know what we?re doing. I'm seriously looking forward to figuring it out because I'm sick of getting mail/gifts as ?Mr. & Mrs. Smith? when that's not our name and it's ridiculous trying correct people because it's such a huge explanation. It really blows my mind just how many people just assume I've taken his name. I've heard that most people will sign their new names on their Thank You cards, so that's what I plan on doing and hope that people get the hint. Phew? sorry for the novel! And good luck!
I lived in Latin America for 10 years.....supposedly the land of the "machista" or as we say sexist. The tradition is for women to keep their maiden name when they get married. They hyphenate their maiden name with their husbands name. The children also are born with both last names. I have 2 daughters and they love having both last names. Although they do have to choose one last name for purposes like class at school in the USA.
Now I am getting married for the second time and I have decided to have only one last name....my maiden name. My fiance agrees that its better so that I don't have a last name different from my children. Not too mention...he has a really long complicated French last name.
In the end....it is up to you. It seems it depends which country you are from to determine if society will pressure you.
I kept my maiden name from the beginning. It is an ethnic name and part of a heritage that I am quite proud of. I also go by my last name in my job, and besides all that...it's MY NAME! He also has a name of a DIFFERENT ethnicity, and that just seemed weird to me to have such a different name.
We discussed hyphenation, but decided not to hyphenate because of what would happen long-term. I.e, we have a kid named "Smith-Jones" and they meet and marry someone...what name do they have then? "Smith-Jones-Brown"? Or just drop the name all together? Anyway, we haven't yet decided what to call our kids, although in this state they automatically get my husband's last name. Argh! But we don't have any problem with people hyphenating.
People in general are TERRIBLE about my last name, though. Especially my co-workers and my in-laws. They all think it's so very funny to call me by his last name, especially when sending us mail. Or they lecture me about how awful it is that I didn't change my name. It's gotten old and it's just not funny anymore.
Here's the best thing, though - you know how you get those free address labels in the mail from charities? We just received a bunch that say "Mr. & Mrs. MYfirstname/MYlastname" !!! So we are using them to send on our Christmas cards to all those people who just won't call me by MY name!!!
Seriously, what's in a name? I actually changed my middle name to my maiden name and have my husband's last name as my last name. And honestly I couldn't be happier. I know it makes him happy and I think it's what makes a marriage - the willingness to compromise. Also, eventually, when you do have children, don't you want your children to have the same last name as you? To me, its more of a family thing than a feminist thing.
My belief is when you get married you take your husband's name. You become "one flesh" and that's how God planned it to be from the very beginning. I feel as though my commitment to my husband is taking a huge step and it's about trust. Taking his name, living out in actions, and serving him helps show him that I belong to him. My love is shown through my actions. Taking his last night is a step in that. Now, I'm not judging you, but that is just my opinion and belief.
My question to you is this....
If you hyphenate your name what happens when your child falls in love with someone with a hyphenated name as well? Will they have four last names?
Just something I've been wondering with all these hyphenated names.
I'm not really sure how name changing has been correlated with sexism over the years. I'm as feminazi and anyone, but taking my husband's name wasn't even an issue for me. I was well established academically and professionally with my maiden name, so I simply moved that to my middle name. When we were engaged, he asked me once if I was going to take his name. I said "yes, of course." He looked relieved, and told me that it was really important to him, even though he'd never told me. He then proceded to talk smack about this "poor sap" in his unit (he's in the Army) who's wife pitched a huge fit about the names, and the guy ended up taking her name to make his wife happy. This guy apparently gets picked on constantly, and usually gets called Mrs. Herlastname by all his COs.
It could just be military, but those guys are PROUD of their names, and I don't see why if you love someone, it would be an issue?
That said, I'm a banker, and constantly have women coming in with their court documents for name changes to ridiculous things like Princess Gold-Star Sunrunner or Beautiful Rose Flower
do what makes BOTH of you happy
yay for compromises!!
So you really don't see how name changing can be associated with sexism at all. Really? You just illustrated it. Why is there need to talk smack about the guy? Because what he and his wife did isn't stereotypically masculine. If name changing were truly a sexism-free issue, there wouldn't be a need to pick on him.
I find it to be ironic that you expect your husband to change his name when you clearly resent changing yours. The reason he isn't going to want to do that is because it is stupid. Since you changed your name he now to has to sacrifice his. Is it always tit for tat with you? What a lucky fella you have married. You also have chosen to focus on the fact that you dislike your father-in-law rather than your love for you husband. That makes me very sad for him. If you didn't want to be married then you should have stayed single. I married at 33. My last name is very much a part of my identity. My husband is a bigger part of my identity. I feel sorry for your husband. You seem like a very selfish and immature person.
OMG. Ultimately, I really don't care what any one person does with his or her name. I don't look down on my friends who chose to change, keep, or hyphenate their name. Their reasons are their own and I don't judge them for it.
But this is the reason why we still need feminism in this country. Because people like you think a man changing his last name is makes him less of a man. I've been on the nest a long time, and I've read a lot of stupid things, but these types of comments take the cake.
I know that comment I made sounds harsh and not proper at all... but I stand by it.
I even asked my husband about this to get a guys perspective... he said if one of his friends took his wife's name, they would pick on him to no end about it.
Like I said in my original post. I'm very career oriented and definitely not the "little wife", but there is just something about a guy being a guy and a girl being a girl. What is the ultimate goal of ultra feminist people here? For us all to be asexual??
There is nothing that makes you "property" by taking your husbands last name. Maybe some girls are insecure about this.
10-10-10 here we come!
Kelly's BIO-Hazard
What my husband and I ultimately agreed to do (after a lot of frustrating discussions wherein I was very grumpy about the tradition of the woman taking the man's name and my keeping my name being more important to my profession and so on) was focus on the fact that we agreed that we really wanted most was a united family name. Neither of us liked hyphenation because it leads to so many complicated screwups in databasing and borrowing whole syllables of either last name to make a new one didn't really work out to anything simple. So, we both changed our names so that we have my maiden name as our middle name and his bachelor(?) name as our last name. It's not perfect but it's a good compromise between the traditionalists in our families who we want to please and our own desires and needs for unity and equality.