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Let's talk about MEEEE!
So my estranged husband does not seem to be any closer to a decision. We're supposed to meet up and talk on Sunday night.
I'm kind of leaning toward telling him if he really has not figured out his thoughts or felt like he wants to make this work, then he can go fukc himself and let's get on with the divorce. I know we said he could take up to three months, but now I'm like, WTF am I supposed to do during this time? Just keep thinking you're a great husband and I love you? Am I supposed to be happy when you finally get around to making an effort? Am I supposed to feel flattered? To want to have a baby with you?
I feel like I'm starting to resent him and feel done with the whole thing. But then I think about the first four and a half years and think, Well yeah, I want to save THAT. But can I ever really get that back?
I need internet people to tell me what to do.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Re: Let's talk about MEEEE!
I'd tell him exactly what you're saying here. Honestly, if his reaction doesn't include something along the lines of "i understand, but hope you can be patient" then that would be a good indicator that he's just waiting for you to pull the plug.
-from inept relationship navigator
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
Have you met with the therapist again?
I don't want to be Debbi Downer, but everything he is doing seems to be saying he's done and just doesn't want to pull the trigger. Telling you he might not love you, giving vague problem reasons like "no similar interest," saying maybe he was never head over heels, moving out. Those don't strike me as someone who is invested in making his relationship work.
Whatever you decide, I think you should at least make it clear that he is not the only one who has a decision to make about whether he wants this marriage to go forward.
I can understand your feelings. I would be at an end point emotionally as well wondering where is this going, but having a hard time to let go of the good times. But, I have a hard time ending relationships when they have gone past their time in the past.
I would say that your resentment is not going to go away. You are going to have to decide you want to learn to manage it or give into it and end things, so that is something you need to think about going forward.
What is the legal requirement for a divorce in Missouri (this is not a trick question). Is there a required separation period anyway?
I love being able to tell people what to do with their lives because I have all the answers, but I honestly don't know what to do in your situation.
Part of me thinks that he obviously has a problem and it would suck to give up on him when he's in a time of need (although his time of need involves being a giant manbaby jackass who blames you for his problems and pushes you away). The other part has already set you up with Mr. Spiderman's rich friend who likes to eat at fancy places. The problem with this whole thing is that there's not a damn thing you could have done to prevent it (it's not like you married the wrong man or had unrealistic visions of marriage or whatever) and there's nothing you can do to solve it since it's all on him. That's what makes the whole thing extra fvcked up.
I will say that I'm leaning toward you telling him that you're not willing to wait around while he finds himself. But there's still a part of me that wants him to turn this whole thing around and spend the rest of his life making this mess up to you.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I think I'd ask him what concrete steps he's taking to come to a decision, and what else needs to happen to get him there. If he doesn't have a good answer, I wouldn't wait for the three-months to run. It's unfair to you otherwise, and it doesn't sound as if there's anything you can that you haven't already done do to spur him along.
I told him this is exactly what it seems like. I've said, "If you know you going to leave then just DO IT ALREADY! Let me off the hook so I can get on with my life." But he said, no, he hasn't already made up his mind.
He is supposed to meet with the counselor alone on Friday, then we're meeting up to talk on Sunday. I have told him that the longer he takes to make his decision, the more I'm disconnecting from him and by the time he makes a choice it may be too late.
He sees this as giving him an ultimatum, saying, You have to make a choice NOW. He thinks if he feels backed into a corner he's going to say let's end it, because he doesn't want to feel bullied into staying.
I keep trying to tell myself that I have to swallow my pride a little bit since this is a marriage not just a boyfriend. But I don't know how much longer I can keep an open mind and not hate him. I know that this board is very "you made your vows! stick it out, weakling!" and I thought if I was being too emotional and demanding, you guys would knock me back in line.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I know that this board is very "you made your vows! stick it out, weakling!" and I thought if I was being too emotional and demanding, you guys would knock me back in line.
Only if you've been cheating on your H with your married-with-children coworker. So you're safe there.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
This isn't good for my rage.
He doesn't want to feel bullied into staying?
I think this is excellent advice. I am very curious if he's just chilling at mom and dad's eating home-cooked meals every night and having "Me (him) Time," or what. If that's the case, then this is all pretty pointless.
Cali, that's what's holding me back. If this is really all just a subconscious panic about supporting kids and eventually he realizes it and snaps back to reality, I could see myself getting over it. I'm not counting on that, though.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I'm of the opinion that when they hem and haw about it like this, they're often just to chicken shiit to actually say they want it to end. At least this was the case with my ex. He said things that made it impossible for the relationship to not end, but then wouldn't just pull the plug. Pulled this bs, "I just can't decide what I want and what would be best for me". So, I made the decision for both of us - take your crap and leave.
He didn't use the word bullied. I think it was "backed into a corner."
And you want to feel rage? He called me the other day and said, What are all these charges on the credit card for different restaurants every night?
I had to go outside to finish that phone call because I was not going to be able to keep my voice down. Yeah, sorry, the first week I spent alone in my house I got a lot of take out food for dinner. If you want to have your mom also make me food every night and bring it over, I'll stop!
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
And we talked about getting separate credit cards. I told him to apply for one, just in case. And he said, what address should I use? and I said he should use his parents'.
So of course he uses our address. So the card is at my house and that's where the bills will be sent.
I think he wants my head to explode.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I'm coming from this perspective too. I don't necessarily think Twan has decided consciuosly what he wants, but I think all of his actions are pointing in that direction.
I'm curious as to his reasons for moving out. I've never actually found that running away from my partner was a good way to fix problems. It was always the way out.
You know I'm one of the more vocal "you made a vow; you work your ass off to keep it" but, dude, you have and are clearly trying your best. There's no shame in walking away from a partner who refuses to keep his vows to you. Marriage cannot be one-sided.
I agree that it sounds like he's checked out already, unfortunately. I know you want to do everything you can to save your marriage, but you can't save it on your own. If you're still determined to try, this book may help you find a way to figure out why he's doing the things he is. http://www.amazon.com/Desperate-Marriages-Healing-Relationship-ebook/dp/B0017SYOLA/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1291914171&sr=8-3
So you have decided that you don't think you can/want to do THIS (exactly like it feels now for you) for 3 more months. How much longer would you do this? I guess I'm asking if you know what your own threshold is.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
yeah, what Kristen said.
This situation sucks so much balls. I'm sorry Fent.
I think that you're doing the right thing by trying to keep your heart open just a little longer. My gut instinct is to say save your pride, kick his asss to the curb and move on. But when you've invested years of your life with someone you love, and someone who, until now, was a loving and positive part of your life, it's not that simple. It sounds like what you're holding onto right now is the chance that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with some serious issues that he has personally. And that he could return to being the man you married.
I don't advocate clinging to the past and using good memories as an excuse to stay in a crappy situation. But I do think that the peace of mind of knowing that you did everything you could, and knowing that you loved and supported him and gave him a chance despite what he was doing to you, will allow you to move on without any regrets, if the situation should come to that.
All that being said, it sounds like you have been dealing with this situation with more strength and humility than most people could. And if you are at a point where you feel the situation is beyond repair for you, then you should trust that and move on. You deserve so much better than the situation you are in right now.
I really don't know. In a way it's getting easier, because I care less. But then that's not really a good thing, right?
Fallin, I think he left because he was trying to figure out if he felt ambivalent toward me after being away from me, or if he'd miss me. I think he also wanted to not talk about it which I was physically incapable of going along with while in the same house (I could give him a day or two break, but not days on end)....I don't know if he really needed time to sort out his thoughts or just wanted to avoid the situation.
I'm sure his responses on Sunday will decide how I react. I'm just trying to be as prepared as possible. In the scenario he says he feels nothing for me at all and hasn't thought much about it, I'm trying to work up the balls to really end it.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Winged, if the defendant (whoever doesn't file) doesn't agree the marriage is irretrievably broken, then there are some separation requirements. If both people agree, it's pretty quick and easy, from what I can tell.
If this happens, he is going to be PISSED when I go after half of the 401k $ saved during our marriage. I'm not sure if I'm entitled to half of his contributions or half of the earnings. However, I hope there's no way for him to come back and make me responsible for his old college debt (I'll accept that I take half the hit for anything he borrowed during the marriage, but not before it).
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton