Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: How to deal with his Porn Addiction?
Sweetpea, I think you come across as a very mature and smart individual, and I think you're heading in the right direction. I totally agree with your decision to get professional help, it's really the best way. The impartial opinion will do wonders on calming the situation and healing the relationship.
Good luck! I think you've got a good start on fixing this
Thought preceeds action, and so to look at another sexually, you may as well go out and be with another physically. Either way your heart has strayed.
Uh, no. Porn has nothing to with his heart...
"Thought preceeds action, and so to look at another sexually, you may as well go out and be with another physically. Either way your heart has strayed."
Uh, no. Porn has nothing to with his heart...
Sorry for the double post.
lifeguard,
You don't need to put down my beliefs. I think it is wrong and I will not put up with it. I did not make this up, I was simply sharing my story in support of someone in a similar situation. I am not going to leave my husband for masturbating, if I left him it would be because of the porn. It is disrespectful to me and it is adultry.I know my husband has needs, but he does not need to gratify them on the spot in this way. I am available for a hand job or sex, whenever he needs.
I don't disagree with your beliefs about loyalty,adultery and virgins marrying. I knew my DH would masturbate so I made a boudoir book with myself from mild to wild.
Quote" I know my husband has needs, but he does not need to gratify them on the spot in this way. I am available for a hand job or sex, whenever he needs".Unquote.
You sound like you like being in control. And while you are not horny or in sexual need. You will take on the "job" of servicing DH on the defensive. Wow, how sexually provocative and arousing. No wonder DH likes masturbating. Going to you for sex is like a two year old going to Mom to have his bum wiped.
Dear, I'm not your enemy or here to made your feel bad.Your DH should not have been looking porn. And you are trying your very best to make a good marriage. Men by nature are an odd creature and don't always do what they should. He has to smarten up and you need to be more sexually appealing. I'm certain you and DH will get this worked out with some prayer and some honest communication..
LG
First off I wanted to say I'm sorry! I know how it feels. My husband and I are actually going through the same thing only I walked in on him... We both were virgins going into our marriage (because of religious beliefs) and were together 4.5 years before getting married in June.
The best advise I can give you (we had dealt with this problem in the past too) is to be patient. I know it makes you feel like... ugh... but be calm about it... If you explode.. things will just get worse! Praying for ya!
As someone who has had this happen I first want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I know how hurt and betrayed you must feel.
My husband came to me before we were married and confessed to being addicted to porn and masturbating. That became a big focus for us as we went through marriage counseling with our pastor before the wedding. One of the things my pastor stressed is that porn is an addiction just like drugs, alcohol, eating, etc. The draw of porn never really goes away.
It is not your fault that your husband has this addiction and don't let anyone tell you that it is. There are ways to help him but taking the blame is not one of them.
Here is what we set up at our house...
1. First your husband has to realize and accept that this is a problem. Once I explained to my husband how hurtful his addiction could be he was more interested in conquering the problem. He realized that porn was the equivalent to an affair in that he was looking outside our marriage for fulfillment. He also realized on his own that he was seeking to gain some control by masturbating or looking at porn so his temptation usually hits when we fight. I would encourage you to encourage your husband to find the root problem that he seeks to fix by viewing porn and brainstorming ways to help him.
2.Since my husband's addiction was to internet porn we set up a monitoring site that our pastor recommended. I get emails every 2 weeks showing me any questionable sites that have been visited. I can't remember the exact web address but if you google "xxx church" you can find the site and there is a free download of the software. It is really sensitive too. Just going on a website with undies will spark the website to show up on the list.
3. I occasionally just ask my husband. He was at first upset when I routinely asked but then he realized that part of accountability is having to answer the hard questions. Twice I have not liked the answer but we have dealt with it and moved on.
3. I made a promise to never deny my husband intimacy unless there was a medical reason to do so (such as after our son was born) or if I was sick or hurt. I do not mean to imply anything by saying this.
4. We read through "Every Man's Battle" together. Once you understand it from the man's prospective it helps you to better help them.
5. Help your husband to avoid things that bring back the temptation. We do not watch movies that have sexy dancing orscenes because of this. We also cannot stay at my sister's house because her husband leaves playboy magazines sitting around and they cause my husband to take a step back.
It was tempting to me to give up and not try anymore when my husband admitted to masturbating and looking at porn. I would encourage you to tell him your feelings but also forgive and thank him for coming clean. After all make up sex can be awesome.
It's not an easy road but I pray that you and your husband can work through together. If you'd like someone to talk to who has been through this feel free to email me at hickmanfamily7137@gmail.com.
It's been some time since my last post, so here's a quick update:
First, Thank You SO very much for all the wonderful, supportive replies. I can't tell you how much they meant to me and helped me get through the past few months. It is truly comforting to know that I am not alone in this and that other couples have come through these trials successfully.
We have read through "Every Man's Battle" together and I highly recommend "The Sexual Man" as well. DH has been meeting with our pastor weekly and it has really helped him to have an accountability partner who has shared in his struggles.
After much communication by ourselves and together with our pastor, we decided to see a sex therapist and it has been amazingly beneficial for us. He has been making an exemplary effort and I am so proud of him. Time, patience and forgiveness have been key in the healing process for me and I thank you again for all the wonderful advice I recieved. While speaking with our pastor's wife who is also a close friend and was a bridesmaid at our wedding in June, I had to laugh as she joked that she was amazed at how remarkably well I was handling the situation and that her husband who has also struggled with pornography, was lucky he "escaped with his eyes intact". A little dramatic yes, but the compliment was still very appreciated.